I was happy when you agreed on meeting me. I was happy to see you again, because for a short moment I forgot what happened in the past. I thought about that fluttering feeling I always had for you. Byun Baekhyun. My best friend.
But things are awkward...
This isn't you, not what you used to be. A year ago you were so much more lively. A child of sunshine and laughter and I very much loved those characteristics of you. How everything in this world was beautiful to you. How you would make my day brighter and better. How we would trick the world together, not thinking about the consequences. Just living in the moment.

But now you're all quiet and you're not going along with my bad jokes anymore.Not that I'm in the mood to joke right now, but I know you wouldn't laugh. Because your eyes are cold and filled with bitterness. And I know you.

This isn't you. The situation right now... that's not how our friendship was. It's all messed up and full of unspoken grudges that we hold.
I know you're angry but you try to keep it in. I know because I used to know you better than anyone. After all we were bestfriends for a long time and I loved you for the most part of it. I know that the way you hold your cup of chai latte in front of your mouth shows that you don't want to speak. Not even to me. You normally like your drinks sweet, but you refused to take sugar today. I wonder if you want to feel the bitter taste of reality lately? I know that the way you look at me when I move just the slightest, is so bitter and cold because you're hurt. By me.

But you met him. And I was jealous. My heart broke whenever I saw you, whenever you left me because he called you. I regret the decision to introduce him to you.
I said some things, thought things and did things that you're angry at. That hurt you. I know, you know, that it was me who said that the two of you don't suit each other. That you won't last. But you never talk to me about it. Maybe because you know I wouldn't deny it. I would tell you that I loved you and I think you're scared because you know that I'm hurt and you abandoned me. Even though I have no right to feel that way.

You don't belong to me. No human can belong to someone else. And if you would belong to someone, it wouldn't be me.
You can't meet my eyes and I can not quite meet yours. I feel sad and I regret all the things I did to you. That slip of the tongue. Those moments when I told you to back off. Looking back, it seems like it was me who pushed you away and broke our friendship. I just couldn't bear all these feelings.

I realized that the two of you suit each other, that you are good together, maybe even perfect for each other. But that realization and the wish for you two to be happy, didn't come hand in hand.
Like an egoistic child, I wanted to be your all. I wanted you to look at me and only me, wanted to be the only person that could make you smile. Like a child, I wanted my playground buddy to be dependent on me. Wanted the sweets to myself. Wanted the cat to only lie in my bed and never snuggle with anyone. But I never asked about your opinion. In the end I didn't have to. You made your own decision.

It's obvious that we both want to stand up and leave the café. Our talk is meaningless - mostly about college and exams and a good part we sit in silence. It's like you have to pick your words carefully, and instead of saying the wrong thing, you just don't talk at all. The silence is choking me and you glance at your watch all the time. I don't think you have anything planned. It feels like you count the minutes until you finally snap and I'm scared of that. Or you set a new highscore on how masochistic you are. How long you can last. Maybe you're the sadistic one of us and you want me to break. It works, because I feel like breaking. But I wouldn't leave. Maybe because I'm masochistic - I wouldn't want to miss this last moment with you, though I know that it will break me apart.

We stand up when he calls. You almost seem pleased, relieved that he called. Did you two come up with this rescue-plan beforehand? Or are your twinkling eyes a natural reaction whenever he calls? In this moment I feel like breaking your phone. I'm not sad anymore. I'm just angry and I desperately need fresh air.

It's hard to breathe when we say goodbye and promise to meet again and we both know that we'll never see each other again. This morning we said our meeting has no deeper sense, that we just want to catch up, but I wanted to apologize and you wanted to scream at me, but we both couldn't quite do that. So we smile at each other and hug and while your silence conceals your hatred, mine conceals the sadness.

You'd never forgive me and I don't think you ever planned on doing that.

On my way back I am torn between the urge to cry and to laugh bitterly. I expected to see the Baekhyun I know from the past, the toothless ball of laughter. But you were all grown up and cold, like an adult who has seen so much.
You changed. Or did I?
One of us did - maybe we both did.
I ride the bike so fast that my legs hurt. Maybe if I can ride faster, I will leave behind all these sad emotions.
I remember that my mother used to say, If there's a downhill there will always be an uphill. Uphill or downhill, to go down or to have a hard way in front of you - I wonder why they're both negative to me.