Thinking Of You

Baekhyun watched the face of the boy who had so unbelievably stolen his heart a year and a half ago. That face was set in full concentration, brows furrowed and teeth biting down on his plump bottom lip as his hand moved, gracefully grazing the paintbrush in his hand across the canvas. Baekhyun knew, without looking, that it would be another masterpiece. His boyfriend, although not professional or well-known, is a true artist. He lets his eyes study the curve of the boy’s mouth, and the way the other had his brows furrowed in deep concentration. His ears might be a little too big but they were the ones that somehow made him, well, him.

A smile crept onto Baekhyun’s lips as Chanyeol’s face transformed into one of self-satisfaction, which could only be a sign that he liked what he was working on. Baekhyun looked over at the litter-filled floor – the result of Chanyeol’s frustration over his sketches – and sighed before he gets up from the couch with an intention to clear up the mess his boyfriend had accidentally caused. Chanyeol was so immersed in his work that he didn’t acknowledge Baekhyun’s movement but it didn’t matter; Baekhyun was already used to it. He lets his hand softly massage Chanyeol’s neck, to which the latter responded with a relieved moan. Baekhyun chuckled and turned around to pick up the crushed sketch papers abandoned on the floor.

He had just thrown them into the trash can when he heard it.

Chanyeol hummed to a song Baekhyun loved and hated at the same time. It was soft and maybe in another universe, Baekhyun would smile and hum along. The melodious tone of Chanyeol’s humming of the song ‘Really I Didn’t Know’ raised goosebumps on Baekhyun’s arms. There was an ache somewhere deep in his heart, like a wound cut open by a blunt knife that hadn’t meant to hurt him. His knees trembled and he let his hands grip onto the tabletop to support his weight.

When he closed his eyes, he could almost see a boy with light blonde hair seated over a piano, his fingers moving and creating heavenly sounds with just the piano keys. Oh Sehun wasn’t a pianist, no. He was a passionate musician with dreams he didn’t have time to achieve. Baekhyun had spent so many hours and days just sitting beside the younger, listening to Sehun’s playing to the song they both loved on the piano. Sometimes Baekhyun would sing it and Sehun would smile at the end of it, never forgetting to praise Baekhyun’s voice, complete with his confessions of love.

Baekhyun’s vision blurred when he opened his eyes again. The memory of it alone was like a stab to his heart that had just healed with the help of Chanyeol. He hastily wiped away the stubborn tears that had fallen onto his cheeks, collecting himself as he turned to face Chanyeol’s back. The younger was still humming to the song, and he couldn’t help the sob that escaped his lips because it was too painful, too hard to remember. He must have sobbed a little too loud because Chanyeol whirled his head around and watched Baekhyun, furrowed brows now laced with concern.

The taller of the two got up from his chair and walked over to where Baekhyun stood. He didn’t ask anything at first, just engulfing the shorter male in his long arms and kissing the top of Baekhyun’s head. It was three minutes later when he pulled away. “What’s wrong?”

Baekhyun contemplated on whether or not he should tell Chanyeol. His boyfriend knew of Sehun but he doesn’t know the little details that Baekhyun still remembers, still kept in his heart. He doesn’t want to hurt Chanyeol, who had been the only person who could make him smile when he was the saddest in his life. So he lied with a chuckle. “I kinda hate but love that song.”

Chanyeol only laughed and nuzzled his nose to Baekhyun’s, another gesture that painfully reminded him of Sehun. He had to bite his tongue to prevent himself from letting out another sob that was threatening to leave him. Chanyeol kissed his forehead again. “It’s really sad, huh? My grandmother used to sing it while I was young. I’m sorry, though. I won’t bring it up again.”

“No, don’t be sorry. I personally really love the song. It’s just… too sad.” Baekhyun quickly said despite really wanting Chanyeol not to bring it up again. Lies. All lies. All he could do was lie.

The younger male leaned down to kiss Baekhyun full on the lips. “I love you. You know that, right?”

All Baekhyun wanted to do then was cry. But as his lips trembled, he spoke of the only truth he could provide. “I love you, too, Yeollie.”  

Chanyeol didn’t continue his art piece after that; he followed Baekhyun to bed and held the older in his arms until his eyelids were too heavy and he soon fell asleep. Baekhyun, however, had his eyes wide open. He did everything he could to forget what he was reminded of, but even though his fingers were laced with Chanyeol’s, he was feeling Sehun’s instead. Even though he was wrapped in Chanyeol’s arms, it was Sehun’s that he felt around him. It was so wrong and so unfair to Chanyeol, whose love he really does trust. The guilt in his gut was too heavy it was as bad as nausea and he wanted to vomit it all out, wash away the memory of Sehun and just give Chanyeol the love he so deserved. It came to a point when he couldn’t stand it anymore, so he slowly took his hand from Chanyeol’s and turned so his back was facing the latter.

Baekhyun cried the moment he couldn’t see Chanyeol’s face. His chest hurt because he was trying to be as quiet as he could be, not wanting to wake the younger up and worry him. It also hurt because he missed Sehun so much; the gap in his heart was slowly expanding.

Byun Baekhyun met Oh Sehun when he was eighteen. It was typical love at first sight, for Baekhyun at least. He remembered how his heart jumped when he first saw Sehun in the school hallway, smiling and blonde just walking down the hallway with a grace that Baekhyun never would have thought he possessed. When Sehun smiled at him that day, he knew he was in love. There was no rejection to his questioning of Sehun’s feelings for him. He was prepared for it when he finally had the guts to ask Sehun out, and when Sehun smiled up at him and said yes, all he could feel was this strange excitement that could never be replaced.

He learnt soon that Sehun loves deeply. The younger had a passion in everything that he enjoyed doing. He loves music and told Baekhyun that music was his best friend. Well, until you came and became more than just that, he’d said to Baekhyun once, pulling the older closer to him as they lay on the grass and watched the stars. Sehun played the piano solely for Baekhyun, saying that he wasn’t talented enough to let anyone else hear of his crappy music but Baekhyun always, always tries to convince the younger that he was so good, so very good. Sehun only smiled.

Sehun was the first to confess. It was on their second anniversary when Sehun surprised Baekhyun with a present, complete with candlelight dinner. He had placed a slow yet passionate and firm kiss onto Baekhyun’s pouty lips before he whispered the three words that were quick to bring Baekhyun close to tears. He didn’t hesitate to say back. He had been in love with Sehun since the first time he laid eyes on the taller. He was so happy that night, and so in love, he didn’t regret the love they made on their bed in their room of their shared apartment.

It was beautiful.

Baekhyun cried when Sehun got onto one knee and asked the question he never thought he would answer. Will you be my life partner, Byun Baekhyun? Will you stay with me until whenever? Forever? Baekhyun still remembers Sehun’s voice; Baekhyun always remembers Sehun’s voice. It was their fourth year, and Baekhyun was going to marry the boy he loves. It doesn’t matter that gay marriage wasn’t supported in Korea because what mattered was their feelings. Baekhyun was content just knowing his friends would be there to witness his special day. He had never been more in love then, and he was, in his years with Sehun, the happiest in his life.

It was true, however, what people say how happiness never last.

Sehun fell into coma three months before their wedding. Baekhyun was sad but he was angrier. Angry at the careless driver who had not kept himself awake enough to see where he was going, for running into the boy he was going to marry. Baekhyun prayed for Sehun’s survival; he couldn’t bear to watch the love of his life lay unconscious forever. He was broken but he held hope, he had faith and he believed. But it was for nothing. Sehun breathed for only two more months and it was only then that Byun Baekhyun broke completely.

“Tell me, Baek. Do you still think of Sehun?” Chanyeol’s question caused Baekhyun to choke of his cup of tea as he looked up at the younger’s face, searching for some sort of anger.

“What makes you think so?” He managed to keep his voice firm, surprisingly.

Chanyeol shrugged his shoulders and sighed, stirring his black coffee. “You were calling out his name again last night.”

Baekhyun visibly swallowed. Bile rises at his throat as guilt once again filled his stomach. There was pain in Chanyeol’s eyes and he hated that he was the one who caused that pain. He tried. God knows how much he tried to forget Sehun. But it seemed that everything Chanyeol does reminds him of his dead fiancé, like he was not meant for happiness. He wanted to give his everything to Chanyeol like the latter gave to him. It had seemed so easy, though, when he first met Chanyeol and the younger asked for his number. He had thought with this budding new friendship he would finally be able to move on from something that wasn’t there anymore.

He hadn’t really planned to fall in love with Chanyeol. In fact, he never really wanted to. He was afraid that he would break again if he loves too much and have the person he cared about taken away from him. But Chanyeol made him smile when even his best friend Jongdae couldn’t. Chanyeol made him laugh and Chanyeol made him remember how it felt like to be happy. And for the first time in a long time, Baekhyun had a reason to be.

He couldn’t help the tears from streaming down his cheeks as he covered his face with his hands. He half expected Chanyeol to just watch him but then he could feel strong arms wrapping around his shaking shoulders and it didn’t help so he cried harder. Chanyeol held him until he decided that it was enough crying and time to start talking. He steadied his breathing first, though.

“I’m sorry, Chanyeol. He kept coming back. It’s haunting me and it’s making me sad all over again. I missed him so much.” He had to say it for Chanyeol to understand, and seeing that the latter seemed to flinch at his words, Baekhyun was quick to start speaking again. “But I love you. Believe me. I do. You’re all that I have now. He’s a memory that won’t go away.”

Chanyeol sighed again, leaning down just to place a kiss at the corner of Baekhyun’s lips. “I don’t want you to forget what once made you happy. He was a big part of your life, I understand. And he made you who you are today. You’re strong and amazing and I love you for that. The day will come when you’ll still have him as but a memory, and you’ll smile and not cry when you remember him.” He lifted Baekhyun’s face by his chin and looked into the older’s eyes. “And I will wait until that day comes because only then will I really have you.”

Baekhyun wanted to cry again but Chanyeol stopped him. His eyes closed at the feel of Chanyeol’s plump lips on his thin ones and there was this warmth in his chest and all over his body as Chanyeol kissed him. He sees Sehun behind closed lids, and he wanted to wash it away but it only escalated to a point that he was imagining Sehun kissing him instead of the boy who so rightfully deserves a love greater than his. But he wanted to try, because he really does love Chanyeol. He willed for Sehun’s image to fade away but it lingered.

Maybe Chanyeol was right. The day will come.

And Baekhyun will work for it to finally happen.

He will love Chanyeol. 

A/N: I know you all can't believe this. I can't believe it either. I was watching a movie and got inspired and I just had to. Sorry it's 2K words of crap and I just broke my SeBaek heart but hey, someone's gotta salute me for being able to write something I'm not even a fan of, right? Ahaha. -_- jk my first attempt of Baekyeol ending and my heart broke but I guess it's okay bc I'm writing Sebaek prompts now so Sebaek feels are satisfied. Anyway, hope you all enjoyed it. Comments, as always, are appreciated.