http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=He3qmXo0oww

I looked outside the window. It was so dark outside. I'm not afraid of dark. That's apparently not in my list of phobia. I have many phobia in my life. One of them is philophobia. I didn't use to have this kind of phobia, but now, exactly after that day, everything change. If you don't know what philophobia is , then first option is go Googling. But if you can't or anything, then I'll tell you what it is. Philophobia is a name for the phobia to love, to fall in love. And I have that phobia. I'm afraid to fall in love.

Only hope. You know Only Hope? It's the song from Seconhand Serenade and a song sang by Mandy Moore on her glorious film, A Walk To Remember. I love that song, and also the movie. I watched it on my first date with my only hope. Only Hope is our song. The song that start our journey together, accompany us in our way, but this song also there where our journey ends. You know the song Breaking My Heart from Michael Learns To Rock? Our journey ended not the way that song told. Yes, he broke my heart, that time, and everytime I thinked of him. But that's not the way he broke my heart. Not the way you thinked it is. He broke my heart by left me for good.

I turned my head to faced the whitered flower in a ceramic Chinese vase. I walked towards it and smell it. The scent still lingered on it even though years has been passed. I touch the flower with all my soul. It was more fragile than the ceramic vase it self. I don't care if he ceramic crash as long as this flower still here.

So, once, my friend asked me why I kept that whitered awful flower and why not bought a new one, I answered with a story. A story that should made her see the answer. A story that should make you understood why. 

I was walking to my class from the library. I was studying in business economic major so I have to borrow some books from the library, because I can't effort to buy it. I hummed to myself, the song Only Hope by Mandy Moore while walking. Sometimes I would greet people who walk by. Usually the professors, but sometimes just some seniors. Suddenly, I felt a hand pulled me. It was Kai, my best friend. Actually, he's my boyfriend's friend, but we're so close that no one would see that we were just friends.

"Ya! What are you doing here all alone, Babe?" Kai said. I just chuckled. He always like this. This is why people misunderstood. But he was a fun friend, and I like spending times with him, when my guy wasn't there to be with me.

Before I can answer, another hand pulled me into a warm embrace. I took a deep breath, and I recognize that scent. The scent that I missed the most. The scent of cheddarwood and Armani's parfume, Luhan. My only hope. "Kkamjong, you can take any girl in this room. But not this one. She's taken," he said with his kind of deep voice that's just made me melt into the ground. The way he talked about me like I'm his, and he's mine, that's just mind-blowing. I know I should at least felt a bit offended by the way his talking, like calling things, not person, especially a girl. But I couldn't. Because I also think that I'm his. "Babe, do not fell into this jerk, okay? I'm trying to save you here," he whispered in my ear, made me shivered in delightful.

I nodded slightly. Being in his embrace just made me lost all my energy. I could not even stand on my both feet stable. He pecked my cheek, and I was burned from H to T, head to toe. My feet just turned into jelly in a flash. He just kissed my cheek, and I already gave this reaction. Oh my, I am so embarresed.

"Dude, get a room. No PDA here," Kris, out of nowhere, suddenly showed up with a blonde girl. Guessed that his new girl. No, not girl, just toys. But don't blame him. It was those girls fault who fell into his arms, volutarily, even when they knew the consecuences. "Public Display of Affection is against the rule, ya know?" he added. I laugh while Luhan tighten his hug and shot Kris a glare, and Kai just rolled his eyes.

Kai chuckled. "Just get a mirror, Kris. You should have one at home since you're so rich, right?"

Kris just laugh while the faked a laugh. And I laugh because of it. "Babe, somebody doesn't like we being here, so should we get more private place," Luhan suddenly said under my hair. His voice wasn't that clear, but I can hear it. I giggled and nodded. He smiled at hug me thighter.

Just when we was about to turned away, I remember something. I got class! "Sorry, Honey. Professor Kim is directly waiting for me right now. Late for five minutes!" I said while trying to loosen myself from Luhan's embrace then gave him an apologized smile while running backwards to the class.

When I was turning into another hallways, I heard Kris's voice, saying, "You haven't told her yet, Dude. Do you wanna to come or not?"

I ran faster, I just knew what was Kris talking about. Another climbing.

I was eating my meal at the campus cafetaria. I always like the food here. The ahjummas were nice too. I was enjoying my soup when Luhan and the rest of exo, his friends, joint in. They were making the spaces full. But nobody's mind. They were kingkas here. At Seoul National University, the kingkas weren't boyband members, or athletic, or volley team, or basket, or anything. The kingkas is exo, the most professional mount climbers with high record of climbing. Has taken down the Fuji Mountain a few times, the Jaya Mountain in Papua, Indonesia, already done that. Their target now is the great Mount of Everest. But it was just too far away. What hard isn't the climb, but the way to get there. I know that.

"Hey, guys. Not eating?" I asked casually. Yes, I'm close with these guys. Not that I'm a queenka or anything. I don't have the materials to be one as well. I was just one of them girlfriend from highschool. Luhan, that apparently-not-so-lucky guy, nuzzled in my neck. He took a deep breath and I was shivering beacuse of that. "Chagi, don't do that. It tickles," I lied, I'm actually to shy to do that in front of the whole school. Hellowww... Public Display of Affection, remember?

He stayed there. "No, I won't. Just let this be for a moment, Babe. Just let this be," he mumbled againts my neck. Now, it really was tickling. I struggled to get away from his nuzzled slash tickles. But his hand gripped my waist and pulled me to stay still. "Stay still, Babe," he whispered.

"Arghhh...!!! Luhan, it tickles!!! Ahhh... Hahaha!!! Arghhh... guys... haha... help... me... huahahaha... please," I literally begged exo for help. They just shook their head. "Friends!!! Hahahaha!!! Luhan, God, please...!!! Okay, okay, no more nuzzled. Seriously, it tickling!" I yelled in desperation because of the tickling. Luhan realeased me with a wide smile on his god-like face.

"Ya! Neon jinjja!" Suho chuckled slash scolded. He can't get angry, or be angry in the right way. He just to anglic for it. "Really, Public Display of Affection is forbidden," he said.

"It was his fault!" I shouted.

"Baby, sit here and continue eat," Luhan said while hiding his laugh. But I known better. This brat is getting on my nerves.

"What do you want, Xi Luhan?" I sat.

"How about you?" he asked with a smirked. . I couldn't resist that smirk. I blushed, hard-red.

"Serious, Luhan. What do you want?"

"Okay, Babe, okay, okay," he said while raised his hands, pretending to be defeated. "I know that we haven't spend much time together. This is a chance that wouldn't come the second time. This is a very rare opportunity," he said.

I shook my head in disagreement. "Oh, just cut the crap, Xi Luhan. Which mountain?" I yelled out of annoyance. I was furious. Every week. Every weekend, every holiday, he has to went else where beside right here. Accompany me for shopping in Myeongdong, Gangnam, Cheongdamdong, anywhere. It doesn't have to be shopping too. I'm fine staying at home, at least he's with me. Not in some mountains. Hiking or climbing. Or any place where I couldn't tell if he's fine or not. If he has been injured or hurt. If he has been eating or not. I hate this anxious feeling, waiting him to come home. So I decided. "Whereever it is, I need to go with you," I said.

"Oka... Wait, what?" Luhan's eyes widened. His mouth was open, because of the shock. I don't care. If he want this relationship to continue, he has to agree to my condition. "No, Baby. You can't. The mountain is a dangerous place. That's the place for guys, not girls. Girls belong here. Shopping. Not climbing. So, no, you cannot."

"Okay, then, I won't let you go," I stated. Again made him and the rest of exo in shock. I don't care. I want him to know that I always worry sick because of him. And I wanna to be there, so I won't be worried again.

"But, Baby..."

"It's me or those mountains, Xi Luhan," I said and then I left the cafetaria. Could he just understand my feelings?

"Hey, what's wrong?" Kai suddenly appeared beside me. I was sitting on the bench in the campus backyard. I love this place. Cozy and what's best is, no one here, except for me, and Kai, of course. This is my hiding place. Only Kai could find me here. I couldn't figure out how, but he just did.

I rested my dizzy head at his shoulder. "I..." I couldn't say anything. The wind breezing. It felt so comfortable. I close my eyes. Trying to find peace. I was so angry and mad and angry. I don't want to loose Luhan. I love him too much, to loose him.

I could feel Kai's palm on my head. Caressing my hair softly. Making me feel more comfortable. "I love him so much, Kai," I whispered. My voice wouldn't come out. So I just can let out a weak whisper. I'm so ashamed of myself.

"Ara, ara," Kai mumbled. He knew me best. He knew about my feelings towards Luhan. My anxiousity, my worries, my everything. Not like Luhan, he understood. "That's why I never confessed to you, anyway," he suddenly said.

What was that? Did he said... confessed? To me? No it can't be. "What?" I must be delusional. Imaginating things. This must be because of my headache. I rubbed my head, trying to threw away the pain.

"I like you. From the start, I like you. But you've already became Luhan's girlfriend and it was impossible to get close with you beside from being friends. It's still impossible until now. I know that. So you can relax now. Chill, Girl. I have no intention of stealing you from Luhan. But I just want you to know my feelings and I want you to understand and remember that I'll always by your side. And you can spill anything to me, arasso?" he said. "Oh, and also, you don't have to worry about me. I'll move on really quickly that you won't remember my crush to you."

I opened my mouth and closed it again. I was shocked by Kai's confession. Deep down I felt a bit guilty for not realising his feelings, but I sighed and did what Kai told me too. Forgot what he just said and do not have to feel guilty. I closed my eyes. "Okay, whatever you say, Chingu. But seriously, I'm sorry. How could I not realise?" I said, more because I'm amused with how ignorant I could be.

"You're too busy with Lu-deer-han, Dahling. You know that you and him are being all lovey-dovey after the summer-break, right?" he asked, retorically.

"Really?" I furrowed my brows.

"Oh, puh-lease. You can't tell? From the way exo and the whole campus looked at you, you can't tell? We're sick at your acts. It was making us jealous, okay," he said while acted like diva.

I rolled my eyes. "Oh, Kkamjong, jebal. Do not be a diva. Kai-diva equals ewww..."

"Ya!" He started to attacked me with his finger. Tickling, I meant. Not something else. Pleaseee... this is not a rated M scene. We both laughing crazily.

The next day, Luhan picked me up from my house and we went together to school. The trip was filled with absolute silence. None of us wanted to open the conversation. But then, when the silence started to choking me, he opened his mouth and finally spoke, "Honey, I'm sorry. But this was huge opportunity. Don't force me to choose, like that. You know that I can't," he said softly.

I rolled my eyes. It's a boring and disgusting reason. Even from Luhan's mouth, it's still felt weird. I closed my eyes tightly to chased away the headache that started to attacked my head again. "Then, just let me to come," I stated. I stared at his side figure. He was driving, so he can't return my stare. I always know that he is gorgous and handsome and hot and also fragile, but I know better. He maybe looks fragile on the outside, but he is as masculine as Brad Pitt. And you know Brad's pheromone.

I was admiring his masculine side figure when he suddenly turned his head to faced me. "Like what you see, Darling?" he asked. That playful smile playing on his lips. I could feel my heart was beating so fast that I'm afraid that Luhan might hear it.

Then I looked away. "Lu, just answer me. It's wether you let me come with you or you can leave me forever. It's not that I didn't support you for your activities. You know I do. But, it just, tha... I can't stand feeling worry and anxious when the one who is myobject of worry doesn't even bother to care about my feelings. It's feels like being wasted, Lu. All my energies, I spend it to pray for your safety up there. When I was about to eat, I always think, 'has he eat yet or hasn't he'. When I was about to go to sleep, I thinked, 'Is he sleeping yet? Where is he sleeping? Is it comfortable or not? It must be cold out there, is he okay?'. But you don't care. You think I'm having fun letting you went every week, like that. Yes, I am dissapointed that we can't spend time together, but I also worried about you. That's why, if you still wanna to go, then let me come with you," I spilled everything in my heart.

He pulled me into his embrace and hug me tightly. I took a deep breath. His scent made me calm. His cheddarwood slash Armani's scent. I could feel his hot breath on my neck and then he buried his nose in my hair. "You know I always love how your hair smell like, right? It's like greentea. I love it, Babe," he said and took another deep breath, well I did the same thing. "I'm sorry. I don't know. Yes, I am too ignorant. But I love you and I want to protect you from any harm. That's why, I can't take you up there. Because I don't want you to being hurt. But I'm also cannot leave mountains. It was the half of my life, while the other half is you. I can't choose," he continued.

I looked down. I laid my head on his chest. "But you need to choose. I'll give you five days including the next climb. You have to give the answer on Monday. I'll wait for you. And so, for the meantime, le's not meet each other," I said and pulled my self from his hug. I glanced outside and realised that we're already in the campus area. So I opened the door and walked outside.

He left yeasterday.

This is Sunday morning and I'm lazily laying on my bed while my laptop in front of me. I was watching A Walk To Remember. I know it sounded , but I love this movie. Beside it was a really great movie, we used to watch this movie at our first date. Me and Luhan, I mean. It was a long time ago. I still remember all those details of that night. It was the most perfect night of my life.

When I was in second grade and he was my sunbae, he suddenly asked me to went out on a date. I am so surprised that day. Luhan is always  a popular guy. Not a kingka, but he is handsome and y, also the football team captain and the MVP of basketball team and the most active member of Nature Lovers Club, not to mention his grades and his personallity. If there is a perfect word on the dictionary of human, then he is perfect. So, I was asking, why would 'that' guy asked 'this' girl out?

I never been a popular girl. I find it hard for me to fit in to some sociality, completely. I have no bestfriend, just ordinary friends. I was a nerd back then. I wasn't that pretty. I just have average face, my feature is my two big eyes and have different colour which I covered with brown lenses. My only achievement is I was the president of Science Club. And that's not made me a popular student as well.

But, I only could say yes. He semed so happy about it. He said, "I'll pick you up at straight eight. We're going to watch a movie tonight. You like movies, right?" I nodded and he went away with a big grin and his fangirls glaring at me. I shook my head a few times, but it wasn't a dream.

When the night came, I was ready at my front door since seven o'clock. I was wearing a simple green loose tee ovesized shirt and broken white short pants. I waited for him by the front door. After a long one hour, he finally arrived. He looked so cool and handsome and relax with his green polo shirt and jeans. We were wearing the same colour of shirt. I noticed that, and I guessed he notice as well because when I arrived in front of him, he said, "Wow, I knew we are perfect for each other, we even wearing the same colour shirt."

I just smiled and then realised, how could he know where my house is. "Ah, I got my way for that," he gave me his playful yet charming smile. I thought my legs was turning into jelly. "So, should we go, now?" he asked while opening the door for me. I smiled again and climbed to the front seat. He then closed the door after made sure that my whole body is inside and there was nothing left behind.

He drived. The way he drived making me relax. I spend the time of silence by observing his side figure. He is indeed gorgeous. The way he drived the car, the way he looked at me from time to time, and the way he chuckled when he caught me looking at him. Now, I know why those girls were dying to get his attention. When we were spending more time inside the car, I smelled cheddarwood and I just knew that it was coming from him. I love the way he smell. It smeelled so masculine and strong.

We arrived at one of the most luxury mal in Seoul. We went in. I stared at his big bag a lot of time. What is the content of that bag. Was it a bomb? He pulled me to one of the elite cafe inside the mal. I had no idea why we were there when he said that we were going to watch a movie. Shouldn't we went to the cinema and not the cafe. 

Luhan grabbed something from his bag. It was a laptop. What is he doing, brought a laptop here? You don't say... "You're not thinking that we were going to watch some movies at the cinema, right? It would be too boring. Beside, here, we can order anything and wouldn't have to afraid of missing the movie," he said, once again reading my mind.

I just nodded, helplessly. We watch A Walk To Remember from the three options. The other two were Phantom of The Opera and Titanic. Phantom was too scary while Titanic... well I watched it a billion times, not litarlly. We watched it and enjoyed it and I cried at the end. Well, it was an angst and sad movie. We were awkward at first, but when I cried, Luhan grabbed me into his arms. And I felt my heart beatings so fast and my cheeks were red.

We ate dinner and we went for some shopping. Eventually, it wasn't me who's shopping, but him. He bought a lot of things, expensive things, actually. We ate ice-cream and drank bubble tea. It was a perfect night.

He drived me home. I opened the door and said thank you. He grabbed my hand. "I like being with you. This night was so perfect and I want to spend the rest of nights and days with you. So would you let me to be your boyfriend?" he asked that. In his eyes, I only find sicerity, but I still can't trust him fully. I was afraid that I was just a toy or even wore, an object of bet like on those dramas.

"Sunbae, I also enjoy the night and I am thankful for taht. But I guess, I don't want to be an object of some kind of bet. So, it was enough to spend this night with you, but I can't be your girlfriend just for toy. I'm a human too, who have heart and feelings. I am sorry, Sunbae-nim," I said and pulled my hand softly. I bowed and walk to my house. I heard him screamed my name, but I just walked. Then I heard the someone of door opening and closing. Just in a flashed he was in front of me. I looked at him with wide eyes.

He seemed angry about something. Maybe because of me rejecting him or maybe because he has to lost in a bet. He looked me in the eyes and I was sure, if looks could kill, I'll be dead right now. "How can you say something like that? I asked you to go on a date wasn't bacuse of any stupid bet. It was because I always wanted to but I have no courage to do that. This is my last year here, so I thought if I'm not doing it now, then I will regret it for the rest of my life. I already like you from the first time I saw you at the park. You were so nice to that kid. And I can see your sincerity when you gave her your doll. That's when I like you. Eventually, now, it's not like anymore, it's more like love. And you just rejected me because you thought you were somekind of... OBJECT?!" Oh, he was pissed.

"I... I don't know what were you talking about," I lied. Actually, I remember that day correctly. It was May 2005. I was walking back home from school. My route is always the same. And it was trough the park. Before that, I bought a big bear doll. I always wanted that doll, that is why I was saving all my money for that bear. When I was at the park, I heard the sound of someone crying. That was a little girl. Her name is Jinah. She cried, so I went to see her. I asked her if she needed any help. And she told me that she always wanted a bear doll like what was in my embrace, but her parents died in a car accident when they went to bought the doll. Her bruice healed as time goes on, but earlier that day, she walked passed the same shop where I bought the doll and it reminded her of her parents. She wanted to bought it but she got no money. I cried with her that day, and in the end of the day, I gave her my doll. But then, when I thinked of it, there was something strange happened that day. I found, the exact same doll in front of my front door when I got home. "Are you the one that...?"

He smirked and said, "So, you do remember. Yes, I am the one who gave you that doll. I love you. So, do you believe me now?" And I said yes.

Ahhh... I missed the entire movie because of day-dreaming. I always remember those details. Those details of that night, the night when we went out for our first date, and the night when he confessed to me. I grabbed a big bear doll from my bed's head-rest. Yes, this is 'the' bear that Luhan gave to me nine years ago. I hugged it tightly. I missed him.

Ding dong, my house bells is ringing. There someone outside. I ran downstairs, wishing that it would be Luhan with his answer. I opened the door and who I saw wasn't who was I expected. It was exo, without Luhan. I don't know why, but I just know that Luhan is not okay right now. I cried with no reason. "Guys... where... is.. hiks... Luhan?" I asked in my tears.

Kai, stepped forward. On his hand there was a whitered flower, a whitered edelweiss. Luhan never told me a single story about what happened up there in the mountain, but he always brought me an edelweiss. But now, why is it on Kai's hand and not my Luhan? I cried louder and I fell to the floor. I wasn't passed out. I'm still concious and I stopped crying. But I have no energy to move. I only could said, "Where is my Luhan?"

The day after, Kai told me that Luhan had an accident. There was a huge rocks falling. But Luhan wasn't aware of that because he was picking edelweiss for me. The others tried to warned him, but it was too late. The rocks fell right on top of him. When the rocks was removed, he was still alive. He gave Kai the whitered edelweiss and gave him his last note. "Give this to her. Say to her that I will always love her," and then he breath his last one.

So you know now why I couldn't move on that easily. You also know why I have philophobia. You understand why I kept this whitered edelweiss in my room and stare at it every single day of my life. He was there, but he will always here, in my heart.

16-03-2014

9:40

PrincessErza