I didn't even know what to do with myself. I was sitting in my room in the middle of the afternoon, curled up in my bed with a box of Kleenex. By now, I had to look like death warmed over, but it didn't even matter. No one would be home to see me for a while and when my parents did get home, I wasn't going to tell them anything.

That was it. He was gone... really gone. I reached for another Kleenex, blowing my nose noisily. It had been an hour since I drove back home and I still couldn't find the strength to drag myself out of the bed.

I couldn't understand why the waves of tears kept coming back. Taeyeon and I had a special friendship, but nothing worthy of all this. I cared about him and I missed him already. Still, that wasn't an excuse. Friendship wasn't an excuse for my inability to move.

When I first got home, I could barely catch my breath. The thought of being without him, possibly forever was too much for me to bear. He had such a distinct sense of humor... no matter how I was feeling he could make me laugh. But above all, he was just a good person. It wasn't easy to find someone like that, and now he was going to Hong Kong to start his new life and become rich and famous like he deserved to be.

I wondered how long it would take for someone to see him and pull him off the streets to be in their next movie. With a face like his, I wouldn't be surprised if I saw him in a commercial tomorrow. He was going to do a lot more than that, of course, but he had to start somewhere.

Hong Kong was where he belonged, not here with me. A sob bubbled in my chest and I pressed a tissue to my nose, trying to breathe deeply to stave it off. I didn't want him here with me. What was wrong with me? I told his mother the same thing; it wasn't like that between us. I didn't know where that thought kept coming from, but I wished it would go away with all my heart. Second thoughts were the last thing I needed now.

I had made my decision and I had no choice but to stick by it.

My throat felt clogged and I cleared it a few times to try and help. It wasn't going to work. Once I had worked myself up, it would take me hours to settle down.

A knock on my door startled me so badly I nearly jumped out of my skin. I stared at it, my brow furrowed, "Yeah?"

"Jessie, honey, it's your mom."

My eyes widened suddenly, lashes still wet with the thousands of tears I had been shedding. "," I muttered to myself when I saw all of the Kleenexes strewn across my bedspread and the floor from when I attempted to throw them into the trashcan. "Uh, what is it?"

I scrambled off the bed, gathering up as many tissues as I could. "I just needed to talk to you really quickly. Can I come in?" she said.

I ran over to my mirror and saw with dread that my eyes were completely swollen and red and my skin was blotchy. There was no way in hell... "Mom, I'm not decent," I called back to her.

I heard her sigh through the door, "Jessie, it's almost one in the afternoon. You should be decent."

I frantically splashed cool water from a glass on my face to try and eliminate some of the redness. It didn't work. "I'm really not. You can't come in here."

A pause. "Are you sick?"

"What?"

"Are you sick, Jessie? You sound congested."

I cursed again, willing her to go away. Instead, I flew back under the covers, burrowing as far under them as possible. "Yeah I think I've got a bit of a cold," I responded, tucking the box of tissues under my pillows.

"Well do you want some medicine or something? I can-" The doorknob started to turn and I knew she was about to come inside.

"No!" I shouted, cutting her off. "I'm okay, I already took something. I just need to sleep is all."

The doorknob stopped turning and I mentally sighed with relief. My mom knew the difference between crying all day and being sick. If she saw me now, she would sit on my bed and refuse to leave until I told her the story... or made something up. She didn't even know about Taeyeon. I hadn't told her anything. And I wasn't planning to. Not for a while anyway.

"Okay," she responded slowly. "But you still shouldn't be in bed all day. Maybe a walk or something will help later."

"Sure, of course Mom. I'll go out later," I agreed quickly, just glad that she was leaving it alone.

She sighed and I tensed slightly, waiting to see if she would try opening the door again. But she didn't. "I won't be home until late," she said, "I've still got a lot to catch up on. But call me if you need anything."

I blinked in surprise, "I will. Have a good day."

Soon, I heard her disappearing footsteps on the stairs and not even five minutes later her car pulled out of the driveway. I was once again home alone for the entire day. My dad was almost always at work by eight and he rarely came home before seven. And now I knew my mom wouldn't be back until around the same time.

Which was great because now I would be able to sit around and wallow in my misery in peace.

I sighed deeply, my swollen eyes falling to the pile of tissues that now overflowed my trashcan. I was pathetic.

What was wrong with me? One person leaves my life and I'm a complete wreck for the rest of the day? It was just sad. I hadn't even known him that long. For a second, I feared that I was becoming like those girls in movies who sit and obsess over their first for the rest of their lives because for some crazy reason they can never let go. I feared that I was going completely insane.

This was just another testament to my miserable life. I had done so little with myself, had such a lack of worldly experience that I was losing my mind over some guy who was deciding to take a risk and do exactly what he wanted with his life. And now what? I would go to college, study my off for four years just to get into a graduate school and then go straight into the workforce? How absolutely boring.

I couldn't think of the last time I had done something solely for myself. Something that wasn't prompted by my parents or by societal standards. That was pretty damn sad, too.

As a laid in my bed, I realized that I was just setting myself up for failure by goin