A/N: Part 2 has been added!

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June 23, 2016.

 

    “And now, for the moment you’ve all been waiting for. Here to lead this panel today is none other than Jaemi Kim!”

    Deafening screams fill the room as Jaemi Kim- the Jaemi Kim, famous YouTuber and beauty guru extraordinaire, strides into the room, sheepishly grinning at the crowd as she takes a seat in the plushy black chair sitting in the center of the stage. The enormous screen behind her reads, YouCon 2016: YouTube Stars!

    “She’s even prettier in person,” one girl breathes to her neighbor.

    “I love you, Jaemi!” a chorus of pubescent male voices squawk.

    “Jaemi, also known as JaemiBean, has over 12.7 million subscribers on her YouTube channel. Her videos have been viewed over 856 million times. She boasts an impressive 9.4 million followers on Instagram, 6.1 million followers on Twitter, 5.3 million likes on her Facebook page, endorsement deals with three different cosmetic companies...,”

    As the announcer continues rattling off Jaemi’s accomplishments, her eyes are scanning the crowd. The voice inside her head is telling her no, there’s no way he could be here, are you absolutely insane?

    It has been five years.

    He practically disappeared off the face of the earth.

    Why would he be at something like this? Something as trite as YouCon, something as trivial as this ridiculous panel? Duh, Jaemi tells herself, trying to ignore the painful throbbing of her heart. He’s not the type for this stuff anyway.

    But still.

    No matter how many events Jaemi goes to (where he’s not there), no matter how much time passes-

    There is always a faint flicker of hope burning inside her.

 

July 8, 2011.

 

Jaemi is bored.

    She’s opened and reopened Tumblr a million times; she’s clicked around on a few Nigahiga videos, listening to the first few seconds before her restlessness overtakes her and she closes the tab. The clock sitting on her dresser blinks, 3:41 AM. Her eyes dart to her phone screen every so often. Nothing.

    This was your choice, she reminds himself, typing youtube.com in the search browser (again) for no reason. You could’ve been over at Marie’s right now. You could’ve have Calvin cuddled up next to you. You could be Skyping with someone.

    But she’s exhausted.

    Not physically, of course; if she was, then she would be asleep right now.

    No, she is tired in another way.

    For the past twelve years, Jaemi has lived the same farce with the same people who think they’re all that as they upload group picture after group picture on their Instagrams (just so everyone can know that they’re all hanging out!) and posting long statuses on Facebook about how much fun they’re all having together! It was tolerable for a while. For a few years, Jaemi could trick herself into thinking that she loved her life and she loved her friends and everything was perfect!

    But it took too much effort to keep up that facade. And naturally, like a piece of old tape stuck onto a wall, her mask peeled away, leaving a girl who despised the people around her and despised what she had become.

    A sigh leaves Jaemi’s lips. She jumps from recommended video to recommended video, trying to find something-

    “,” she mutters, accidentally pressing a video titled “My first vlog! :D” instead of “Girls are Like M&Ms”. Why the is this video even on the sidebar of a KevJumba upload? What does “My first vlog! :D” (uploaded by some rando channel named seventeen) have anything to do with “DRUGS”? Jaemi is about to click on another link- when the video starts playing.

A tall, black-haired boy with a strong jawline and a cocky half-smile is smirking at the camera.

“Hey, guys,” he says in an odd voice. Okay, the voice isn’t... odd, per se. It’s just nothing like Jaemi would have imagined this boy to sound. Instead of being, you know, normal, it’s a deep baritone, with a raspy, mischievous drawl to it that makes Jaemi blink hard.

“So, as the ingenious title of this video has already informed you, this is my first vlog.” The boy leans back in his chair. “My name’s Wonwoo, and the guy filming right now is this er named Jun-,”

“Hey!” a voice yelps from off-screen. “Don’t say out my real name on the Internet!”

The boy snorts. “Fine. This er Junbaby-,”

“Junbaby? You little -,”

“-and he thought it would be a good idea to start a Youtube channel. He thinks it’ll help his chances with the ladies.”

Whoa. This guy’s so... charismatic. He has a certain aura to him- some type of easy confidence that Jaemi can’t help but feel drawn to. She scrolls down to check the upload date.

December 8, 2010.

So this Wonwoo guy’s her age, huh? Weird. Jaemi props her chin up on a palm. She wonders what life must be like for him. Much better than her’s, for sure. She’s only half a minute in and he already seems way more interesting than she is.

The boy- Wonwoo- clears his throat. “Anyway. My name’s Wonwoo. I have weird friends and nothing to do. So all of you are going to be subject to random videos about my life.”

“Filmed by me!” the voice offscreen- Junbaby?- interjects. “I, future Oscar-winning filmmaker and director-,,”

Wonwoo smirks. “Junbaby?”

“Shut up! I’m not using that name!” There is a pause, and then a groan. “Okay. I’ll just say my name. It’s Jun! But none of you stalkers better come after me!”

“You’re implying that people would want to stalk you,” Wonwoo snarkily remarks, and Jaemi has to cover to stifle her snort.

“Hey, it wouldn’t be the first time. Remember that freshman who followed me for, like, all of junior year?”

“Ah, yes. Our odd Miss Odeng.” Wonwoo’s eyes move back to the camera. “For those of you who don’t know why we call her that, it’s because she dumped her entire lunch of odeng soup on Jun’s head after he rejected her confession.”

“It tasted really good,” Jun says. “Like, some of it dripped down my face, so I my lips, and I could tell-,”

“Ew,” Jaemi gags, giggling with laughter.

“Anyway.” Wonwoo rolls his eyes. “Yeah. This is our introduction of sorts. Next week, Jun will be performing a little for all of you.”

“You wish!”

“Oh, please.”

The video abruptly ends. Jaemi is left staring at the screen in mild astonishment.

What did I just watch?, she wonders. It’s nothing like the funny skits that her favorite YouTubers upload. This seems more... real. Personal.

She clicks the “Subscribe” button on Wonwoo’s channel.

 

June 26, 2016.

 

    “Thank you all so much for coming!” Jaemi exclaims, and the crowd goes wild once more. “I’m so happy that all of you are here today! I’m happy to share my story with you all.”

    “When did you find out about YouTube?” the announcer asks her.

    “All the way back in 2011. Someone posted a video on their Facebook by sWooZIE, and I just kept watching and surfing and it kind of took off from there.”

    “Nice! Hey, we’ve all been wondering: where did you get the username JaemiBean from? Your viewers have been asking you this question for years!”

    The audience bursts into laughter.

    Jaemi blinks.

 

July 9, 2011.

 

    Jaemi is officially obsessed.

    In the past 17 hours, she has watched every single video on Wonwoo’s channel. Twice. If someone gave her a quiz on Wonwoo right now, Jaemi could answer every question in a heartbeat with 100% accuracy. She feels like- and as Jaemi is thinking this, she knows she sounds like Miss Odeng- she is a part of Wonwoo’s life. His vlogs feature him and a circle of his close friends, doing stupid things while making stupid jokes and giving each other stupid dares.

There’s stern, handsome Jeonghan, who looks like he’s about to kill someone half the time but has a soft spot for baby animals.

There’s the infamous Jun (who finally makes an in-person appearance in vlog #19), whose appearance is befitting of his spastic behavior.

And then there’s the amazing dancer duo Vernon and Dino and Twix-loving Joshua (who eats 20 slices of pizza on camera for a challenge) and Gemini Hoshi (who Wonwoo rips up for being a Gemini) and goofy DK and Mr. Perfect Minghao and dog lover Mingyu and sassy Seungkwan (who is a little too amazing at girl group dances) and at the center of it all is wry, sarcastic Wonwoo, smirking with that Cheshire Cat smile the whole time and adding sardonic commentary at every turn.

She has never felt like this about anyone in her life. Wonwoo is so... multifaceted. He’ll make a parody almost cruelly mocking a music video one day, but then the next day, he will post a 10-minute video giving advice to kids who feel lost or confused in life. He’s an . Jaemi knows it.

But she thinks he is amazing.

And then one day, when the clock has almost struck midnight, he uploads a cover of Bruno Mars’ “Grenade”. It only has 2 views when Jaemi clicks on it.

If Cupid’s arrow had not already struck her heart before this, it has firmly embedded itself in the center of her chest for all eternity.

She posts a comment, half hyperventilating.

JaemiK: You’re absolutely incredible, Wonwoo.

 

When she wakes up the next morning, she is greeted by an email.

Wonwoo has replied to your comment.

 

Thanks, Jaemi Bean. ;)

 

The username JaemiK is gone in approximately eleven seconds.

JaemiBean sits in its place.

 

June 26, 2016.

 

    “Someone I know called me that, and it kind of just stuck,” Jaemi laughs. “The only problem is that every time I hear it, I start craving jellybeans.”

    “I love you more than jellybeans!” someone hollers from the crowd. Jaemi turns red in embarrassment.

    “Oh, please,” she says, ducking her head. “A jellybean is worth more than I am.”

    “Next time you come to YouCon, you’re bringing us all free jellybeans,” the announcer jokes. “Promise?”

    “Hmm. I think we should move on to the next question.”

    “Well, speaking of jellybeans, you recently launched your own line of lipsticks in collaboration with ColorBurst! How do you feel about that?”

    “Awesome! I can’t believe that I got the opportunity to work with them. I’ve been following ColorBurst for years now. My first lipstick was from ColorBurst.”

    “Ah, perfect transition to my next question. You’re credited as being one of the first ‘beauty vloggers’ on YouTube. Why did you decide to start making content about makeup and fashion?”

    Jaemi blushes.

 

July 18, 2011.

 

Jaemi’s phone beeps at 3 in the afternoon, while she is still passed out on her bed. After a few groans, she wills herself to glance at the screen.

New upload from Wonwoo: Vlog #31: ideal types???? (Happy 200K!!)

Jaemi nearly topples out of bed.

“Yes,” she breathes, tapping on the video. Jaemi knew that Wonwoo would reach 200K soon- when she checked his subscriber count last night, it was at 199,897. She can’t believe he has this video up so quickly!

That aside, this has been the video that Jaemi has been waiting for since she started watching this channel.

“Hey, guys,” Wonwoo drawls, sitting on a sofa in the middle of his living room. He is surrounded by his friends. Sunlight streams in through the windows of his house; is that a palm tree? Does Wonwoo live in California? He keeps his location, real name, and age completely private. Hours of Internet searches and Facebook stalking have only yielded LinkedIn profiles of 50-year-old men named Vernon Choi and addresses of doctors named Minghao in Huntsville, Alabama. So Jaemi has no choice but to scavenge whatever information she can.

    “First of all, we hit 200K subscribers. Thank you all so much!” Wonwoo grins, and Seungkwan loudly remarks, “Why would that many people want to watch you?”

    “Hey, genius, you’re in most of these videos,” Seungcheol retorts.

    “It’s because of my awesome cinematography skills!” Jun yells. “See? The mark of a true professional. No wonder I got into NY-,”

    “Okay,” Wonwoo says, hurriedly cutting off Jun. Jaemi’s eyes widen; NYU? Jun’s going to NYU? So that means these guys are her age.

“Can I start talking about hot girls now?” Jeonghan asks.

Wonwoo irritably rolls his eyes. “What a wonderful way of putting it. Yes, you bastard. We’ll start.” He clears his throat. “So a lot of people have been asking who our ideal types are. Some of us already have girlfriends-,”

“Me,” Joshua says loudly. “Me. I have a girlfriend. She’s perfect. Baby, if you’re watching this, I wuv youu-,”

“Oh, god, please stop!” Hoshi shrieks, smashing a pillow into Joshua’s face. “It’s bad enough we have to deal with you two and your PDA-,”

“Hey! You should be honored!”

“If I wanted to watch , I would go on .”

“Jesus christ,” Jaemi snorts.

“-but the rest of us will answer your questions.” Wonwoo turns to Jun. “Why don’t you go first, Junbaby?”

“Shut up!” Jun yelps. “Okay. My ideal type is tall... skinny... long, thin legs.... a large, flat head with different types of locking nuts-,”

“Are you describing a tripod?” Woozi says. Jaemi bursts into guffaws- oh, god, Jun, why are you so dorky? The indignant look Jun gives Woozi makes Jaemi laugh even harder.

“O-Of course not! I mean... a tripod would fit that description, but-,”

“Okay, moving on,” Wonwoo says. “Start talking about your ideal type, DK Maybe that’ll make us forget the fact that Junbaby over here’s ualizing a tripod-,”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about!”

DK lets out a long hmmmm. “My ideal type?” he says in his soft, mellow voice. “Uh... I don’t know. Someone who likes to sing, maybe. Or someone who likes music. Oh, having a baking buddy would be pretty cool. And they need to be nice.”

Wonwoo turns to the camera. “There you have it, folks. Just be Johnny Mo the Musical Chef and you’ll pull DK in no time.”

“Hey!”

“You go next, Mingyu!” Dino calls. “Everyone thirsts after you in the comments section.”

“ me up, daddy!” Seungcheol wails in an imitation of a fluttery-voiced girl. “I love you, Mingyu!”

“Alright, alright!” Mingyu crosses his arms. “First of all, please stop calling me Daddy in the comments section. I am not your father.”

Wonwoo snorts. “Straight up.”

“My ideal type? Well... actually...,”

His face slightly reddens. The boys break into howls.

“Yooo! Mingyu has a crush!” Hoshi hoots, pinching the boy’s cheeks. “Spill! Who is it?”

“Shut up!” Mingyu slaps Hoshi’s hand away. His cheeks are even darker. “I don’t have a crush! But... if I did... it would be a cool girl who I see at the gym all the time... and I could spot her as she does bench presses... and she always looks so serious...,”

    “The next time we go to the gym, we’re finding this girl,” Jeonghan says.

    “Oh, yeah, like you go to the gym-,”

    Impatience overtakes Jaemi, and she skips around in the video, trying to find the part where Wonwoo talks about his ideal type, because that’s what she really wants to know- that’s what everyone really wants to know. Finally she jumps to a part near the middle of the video where Jun says, “Why don’t you go, Wonwoo?”

    Jaemi straightens up.

    “My ideal type?” Wonwoo smirks at the camera. “Hmm.”

    “Don’t hmm us,” Vernon says. “We need answers.”

    “Yeah, all the girls you’ve dated have been completely unrelated to each other,” Minghao comments, and Jaemi can’t help but feel a little twinge at this information (dated? I mean- well- it totally makes sense, though, because Wonwoo is Wonwoo). “There was that cheerleader-,”

    “And then that art girl.” Dino furrows his eyebrows. “The one who made those murals.”

    Wonwoo shrugs. “It’s simple. The number one thing I’m attracted to is-,”

    “Drumroll, please!” Jeonghan shouts.

    “-confidence,” Wonwoo finishes. “When a girl’s confident in herself, and likes herself... that’s the best. That’s what I’m the most attracted to.”

    The boys break into hoots and hollers. Jaemi pauses the video.

    Confidence.

    Jaemi is jolted back to the real world.

    How long has it been since she was content with herself? How long has it been since she stepped out of the house and actually had fun?

    Her eyes dart up to the mirror hanging on her wall.

    A pale girl with dark circles under her eyes stares back at her, her face bloated from all the junk food she has been shoveling into her body, a week-old tshirt and pair of shorts hanging on her body. She looks unhealthy. Unhappy. Unwell. Anything but good.

    Confidence.

    And it’s at that point when something snaps.

 

Jaemi’s mother is staring at the number typed onto her phone, biting her lip.

Her daughter has always been lively, vivacious. Always running in and out of the house, going this place and that place with her friends.

This summer, however, she has been different. She has not left her room once. All she does is sit and eat and refuse to leave the house and her mother is worried.

Haemin’s son had the same problem a few years back. He isolated himself and refused to speak to anyone. Haemin said he spent most of his time sleeping or sitting by himself.

Mrs. Kim doesn’t know what to do. She doesn’t know how to approach Jaemi about this without making things “awkward”, as her daughter puts it. But if Jaemi is hurting then she wants her to feel better-

“Mom!” Jaemi calls, running down the steps. Her mother’s eyes widen. Jaemi has washed her face and brushed her hair. “I’m going to the gym!”

“What?” Mrs. Kim shoots up. “O-Of course, honey! That’s great! Do you need me to drop you off?”

“Nope! I’m running there!”

“Wha-,”

“Bye!”

The door slams shut, leaving Mrs. Kim staring after her in astonishment, confusion, and the slightest smidge of relief.

 

There is a hope blossoming inside her chest that somehow- she doesn’t know what spurred this sudden change- but her daughter might- might- be feeling better.

 

Which grows as the days progress.

 

June 26, 2016.

 

    “I was going through kind of a rough patch.” Jaemi bites her lip. “I just... felt so crappy about myself. Then I used beauty and fashion and healthy living and positivity to completely transform my life. So I really wanted to help people learn about all that and become more confident in themselves. You know?”

    “How sweet.” The announcer claps, and the audience applauds with him. “You started uploading videos in August of 2011, right?”

    “Yeah.”

    “That was more than five years ago, which means you’ve witnessed the evolution of YouTube. Content creators coming and leaving, the format of the site being modified-,”

    The audience- including Jaemi- groans, and the announcer chuckles.

    “-so how would you say that YouTube has changed in the last five years?”

    The smile slowly ebbs from Jaemi’s lips.

 

September 5, 2011.

 

Jaemi is lounging around in her college dorm, waiting for her video to upload, when she gets a notification.

New upload from Wonwoo: Vlog #50: College!!!

“Eeek!” she shrieks, prompting her roommate, Clara, to look over at her in confusion.

“Sorry,” Jaemi says. “It’s just-,”

“Let me guess.” Clara sighs. “Wonwoo uploaded a new video.”

Jaemi’s face turns red. “Sorry. I know I’m super annoying about him.”

“No! It’s cute. Don’t worry about it.” Clara grins. “You know, when you’re, like, Internet famous, and you finally meet him, I’m going to tell him that you were his number 1 obsessive fangirl.”

“I’m not a fangirl-,”

“Yeah, you are! Goodness, Jaemi. I’d never expect a girl like you to be one of those... YouTuber-loving types. You’re so...,” She gestures wildly with both her hands. “Poised.”

    “Wow. I’m surprised you still say that after finding me eating spinach ravioli with my bare hands in the middle of the night.”

    “Uh, that was so traumatizing I erased it from my memory. So don’t worry.”

    “Okay, okay!” Jaemi holds her hands up. “Shhh.”

    “Hello, everyone,” Wonwoo drawls. He is sitting in his bedroom, surrounded by his friends. “Welcome back. Long time no see.”

    “It’s been ten days,” Jeonghan snorts.

    “Hey, we upload videos every four days between 3 PM PST and 5 PM PST, so this deviates from schedule,” Jun pipes up.

    “And why have we been deviating from schedule, Jun?” Wonwoo asks.

    Jun’s eyes light up. “Because we just started college!”

    “Which is why Mingyu here...,” Wonwoo grabs Mingyu’ arm and tugs him to the front. “...got a fresh new haircut! Doesn’t he look adorable, ladies and gentlemen?”

    If Jaemi had been a new viewer, she would have thought that the events that transpired next were completely normal. They look normal to the untrained eye.

    But Jaemi has been watching Wonwoo’s channel for months. So when Mingyu pauses for a little too long before responding, “Of course I do,” and Lay and Minghao exchange glances in the background, and Wonwoo’s smile looks a little too wide-

    Something is wrong.

    Jaemi rewinds 20 seconds, and watches again.

Whoa.

    “Does your girlfriend like your hair, Mingyu?” Joshua asks.

    Something about the way he says girlfriend makes Jaemi’s eyebrows shoot up.

    Obviously, Mingyu shares the same sentiment, as his eyes narrow and he opens his mouth, about to say something, before Dino lunges at Mingyu and goes, “I love your hair, Mingyu.”

    The tension in the air dissipates and everyone laughs like nothing ever even happened.

“All of us are splitting up.” Hoshi sighs. “What a shame.”

“Hey, some of us are staying together.” Minghao throws his arms around Jeonghan and Dino. “Squad goals!”

Wonwoo leans back in his chair. “And before you all ask, no, we’re not telling you what colleges we’re going to. I think Junbaby here already spoiled where he’s going-,”

“Hey!” Jun crosses his arms. “First of all-,”

“-don’t call me Junbaby!” the guys finish in whiny, high-pitched tones.

“That’s right! And second of all, can I just say that three people have already recognized who I am? Like, I was at orientation, and they came up to me! And asked! If I was Jun!”

Woozi snorts. “Oh, man. The fame’s getting to your head.”

“It happened to me, too.” Seungcheol rubs the back of his neck. “Uh, Paul, if you’re watching this... here’s your shoutout.”

Clara looks over from her laptop. “Yeesh. How weird would that be?”

“What?” Jaemi asks.

“You know, people coming up to you because they recognize you from the Internet. It’s gonna happen to you when you get famous!”

“Stop!” Jaemi laughs, throwing a pillow at Clara. “But wouldn’t it be flattering? Like, they’re fans of you, right?”

“Yeah, but it would get pretty old pretty fast.”

Jaemi glances at Mingyu on screen.

“Hm.”

 

October 29, 2011.

 

Jaemi’s channel hits 10,000 subscribers.

Wonwoo hasn’t uploaded any new videos.

 

November 15, 2011.

 

    26,000 subscribers.

    Jaemi’s economics professor nominates her for an exclusive research seminar. She dyes her hair blonde. The hot barista at Starbucks who her friends have been drooling over since the semester started asks her out on a date.

    She  going out with him. He’s sweet. Cute. A gentleman.

    But he’s not funny or cynical or sarcastic or a good singer and doesn’t have messy black hair or a cocky half-smirk-

    God, she has got to stop comparing every guy to Wonwoo.

    Speaking of Wonwoo, he still hasn’t uploaded a new video.

    I mean, it makes sense. The semester has just started and he’s probably busy and stressed out- Thanksgiving break is coming up soon and he should be home, though, so maybe he’ll get together with the guys and make a new video?

 

May 16, 2012.

 

    136,284 subscribers.

    Jaemi signs on with a network and monetizes her videos. She quits her job as a desk assistant in her residence hall.

    No new videos.

 

August 10, 2012.

 

151,291 subscribers.    

Jaemi’s summer is full of endorsements, collaborations, and fans. When she’s not filming, she’s exploring town with Clara, Amy, Jay, Ella, and Omar.

    This time last year, she was utterly alone.

    Her life has done a complete 360.

    Thanks to Wonwoo.

    Who is still nowhere to be seen.

 

June 26, 2016.

 

    “Well, apart from the format of the site...,” Jaemi grimaces and the audience laughs. “I’d say that one thing about YouTube that has changed is the content creators who are active on it. There are people uploading new videos every day, and then there are people who stop uploading, too.”

    “You’ve managed to keep at it for five years, which is an admirable feat.” the announcer says. “What was your motivation?”

 

February 14, 2013.

 

“What the hell are you doing?”

Jaemi looks up at Clara, full of Ben & Jerry’s Brownie Batter Ice Cream. “What?”

“It’s Valentine’s Day!” Clara takes off one of her tall red heels and threatens to chuck it at Jaemi. “What- are- you- doing!”

“I already did my job today,” Jaemi petulantly responds.

“Yeah, you uploaded a 14-minute long Valentine’s Day Makeup and Outfit tutorial! And you’re not even going out?”

“Clara, you know I don’t have a boyfriend. And I would’ve told you if I had any special plans! Now go. You’re going to be late for your date.”

“Oh my god.” Clara rubs her temples. “Look, Jaemi. We need to talk.”

Jaemi gasps, dramatically slapping a hand on her chest. “You’re breaking up with me on Valentine’s Day?”

“Shut up! Look. Jae.” Clara sits down next to Jaemi on the couch. “You’re amazing and beautiful and smart and successful as hell, but you’re always so wrapped up in work. You’ve been on five dates in all the time that I’ve known you, and you’ve never been in a relationship- and I’m not saying that’s bad, it’s just that you need to try new things, you know?”

“Yeah, I guess,” Jaemi shrugs uninterestedly.

“And you’re you! You’re one of the biggest people on YouTube! And you’re rich, ! So go... I don’t know, just have fun!”

“But I don’t want to date just anyone!”

“Just anyone?” Clara narrows her eyes. “Wait, Jaemi... do you like someone?”

Jaemi buries her head in her hands. “No! Well... it’s complicated. It’s really complicated.”

“Oh, no. Dude. Please don’t tell me you’re still hung up on that Internet guy-,”

“What! No! Of- of course not!”

Clara smacks her with a magazine. “Liar! You totally are!”

Jaemi flops facedown on the sofa. “Okay, fine! I don’t... like him. I’m just attracted to his type. And I haven’t found anyone who, uh, matches... his type.”

“Jaemi. You’ve never met the guy. You don’t know who he is. And didn’t you say that he stopped uploading videos anyway? He’s completely MIA. So even though you’re famous now, it won’t help you get closer to him.”

“I know.” Jaemi rubs her temples. “It’s just... I started all of this because of him. He turned my life around.”

“No. You turned your life around. He was just some guy who inspired you.” Clara purses her lips. “You need to move on, Jaemi. You can’t be hung up on him forever.”

Jaemi swallows.

“You’re right,” she finally says. “Okay. I’m going out tomorrow night.”

“Good!” Clara hugs her. “Now I’m leaving, okay? I’ll bring you back dessert. And tomorrow, I’m going to be your wingwoman.”

 

February 15, 2013.

 

    Jaemi meets a guy. His name is Mark and he does YouTube, too- he has a few million subscribers and Jaemi’s seen him around at a few video conventions, but they’ve never met. Mark’s confident and funny and handsome and when he asks her if she wants to collab on a video she smiles and says, “I’d love to.”

 

February 29, 2013.

 

    Mark and Jaemi are officially dating.

 

August 7, 2013.

 

    Mark and Jaemi break up after they get into an argument because Jaemi doesn’t want to do a “Couple Challenge” video this week and she asks, “Why is it always about the subscribers and views with you?” and Mark scoffs, “Why do you think we’re together?”

    Clara apologizes a million times. Jaemi tells her it’s not her fault.

    She’s back to square one.

    And she’s fine with it.

 

June 26, 2016.

 

    “Well, YouTube’s fun to do, first of all. I like beauty. But most importantly... it’s been a constant in my life. No matter what, I’ve had YouTube.”

    “And YouTube will always have you.” The announcer turns to the crowd. “Alright, folks, it’s time for one last question before our next guest comes out. Jaemi, I’m sure you’ve met a lot of amazing YouTubers. Who do you admire the most?”

    “Oh, brother.” Jaemi laughs. “You’re asking me who my favorite YouTuber is?”

    There are chuckles in the audience. The announcer laughs, “Well...,”

    Jaemi smiles. “That question’s easy to answer, though. For the past five years, there has been one person on YouTube who inspired me and has continued to inspire me all this time.”

    “Ooh. Who is it?”

    Jaemi takes a deep breath.

    “Do any of you guys know the channel seventeen?” she asks timidly. She is met with confused gazes.

    “Well, it makes sense, because they stopped making videos years ago.” Jaemi says. “Anyway. Um... I found them during a time when I was going through a lot of stuff- what I was talking about earlier. There was this one guy on there named Wonwoo. And he...,” Jaemi swallows. “I can’t even begin to tell you about the impact he’s had on my life. Everything I’ve done has been thanks to him. I wouldn’t have been inspired to pick myself up and change my life if it wasn’t for his words. He made me feel like I had a friend- hell, he was the friend who gave me the name JaemiBean. So, uh, yeah. I have no idea where he is now, but I hope he’s doing well. Sorry for my little fangirl rant.”

    There is utter silence in the room.

    And then someone says, “Awww!”

    Applause fills the room, and Jaemi lets out a breath of air she hadn’t known she was holding, and the announcer is saying, “Thank you for coming, Jaemi!” and she stands up and waves, looking out upon all the faces beaming up at her, all the people who love and support her, all the success she has attained.

Thanks, Wonwoo.

 

About half an hour later, Jaemi is taking pictures with a few fans when a woman clad in a pantsuit and earpiece tap her on the shoulder.

“Miss Kim?” she says. “You’re needed backstage.”

Jaemi furrows her eyebrows. “I was just about to go grab dinner, actually-,”

“Sorry, ma’am, but you’ve been requested.”

“Uh... okay.”

Jaemi hesitantly follows the woman to the elevator. However, instead of pressing the button for floor 2, where the backstage reception area for YouTube guests has been designated, the woman presses 3. Jaemi whips her head around in confusion.

“Sorry, but where are we going?” she questions.

“The convention directors are on the third floor,” the woman responds.

Jaemi’s eyes widen. “Wait, did I do something wrong? Am I in trouble?”

The woman shakes her head. “They just want to meet with you.”

Jaemi feels like a schoolgirl being called down to the principal’s office. Her stomach nervously churns as she is led through warmly-lit hallways, directed to a pair of imposing oak doors.

“Right through here,” she says.

Jaemi inhales.

And then opens the door.

She is in a large, wood-paneled conference room. The warm glow emitted from the lighted tray ceiling provides a stark contrast with the glass wall on the far side of the room that showcases a beautiful view of the night sky. Anaheim doesn’t have as many skyscrapers and colorful lights dotting the sky as L.A., but something about it is still entrancing.

There is no one in the room save for a sole figure whose back is to Jaemi. He is standing in front of the window, his hands in his pockets, as he admires the view.

“Excuse me?” Jaemi nervously says, taking a step forward. “I think I was called up here, but I’m not sure why- I think you have the wrong person-,”

He turns.

The breath is snatched from Jaemi’s throat.

    Wonwoo is standing in front of her, a smile on his lips- his smile, that half-smirk that makes him look like he knows everything in the most unpretentious way possible and that Jaemi loves and adores.

    “Hey, Jaemi Bear,” he says.

    For a moment, she feels as if she cannot breathe. Her chest feels so ing tight and holy , no way, this can’t be real, this can’t actually be happening and the world stops spinning around her-

    “Oh my god,” Jaemi whimpers, clapping her hands to . “Oh my- Wonwoo-,”

    “Whoa!” Wonwoo rushes forward as Jaemi precariously sways in place. His hands steady her by her shoulders and Jaemi’s face flushes a light pink when he makes contact with her. A million thoughts run through her head- do I look okay? Is my lipstick smeared? How the is he here? , did he hear me rambling on about him like a psychopath back at my panel? What if he thinks I’m crazy?

    “What the is going on?” she finally chokes out.

    Wonwoo smirks. “That doesn’t sound like family friendly content to me.”

    Jaemi reddens. Holy . This is Wonwoo.

 

    The two of them take a seat at the table. They sit across from each other, and Jaemi has to keep pinching herself to remind herself that yes, this is real, this is actually him. He watches her in amusement as she stares at him, fumbling for words.

    The first thing that leaves is, “Why did you disappear?”

    The smile on Wonwoo’s face ebbs away, replaced with a wistful look.

    “Things change,” he tells her. “My friends on Seventeen and I had been best friends since we started high school. Our Youtube channel started out as a joke. And when we actually started getting popular, and started getting money and fans and endorsements, and had to deal with network partnerships and collaborations while still putting out content- it started driving us apart.”

    Jaemi recalls the tense looks and the awkward silences of Seventeen’s later videos.

    “So that’s what that all was about,” she mumbles.

    Wonwoo nods. “College was the final wedge that drove us apart. When we came back for Labor Day Weekend, we had this huge argument about how we were going to split up content uploads. Half the members didn’t want to do it anymore. The other half wanted to come back home every few weeks just for the channel. Both groups had a falling out with each other, and that was that.”

    “Wait. Is everything okay now? Everyone’s all friends again, right?”

    Wonwoo gives her a grim look in response. Jaemi swallows.

    “Which group were you in?” she asks in a hushed voice.

    “Neither. I stood back and watched everything go to hell.” Wonwoo smiles wryly. “Jun and I were the only ones who saw what we were doing to ourselves- even though Jun was on the side that wanted to continue the Youtube channel. It was a disaster.”

    “Damn. I’m so sorry.”

    “It was interesting. Going from, uh, Youtube famous, I guess, to some nobody with no income, no support, and no friends. But what did come out of Youtube is this job. You’re looking at the head of Youtube’s strategy department.”

    Jaemi’s jaw drops. “What?”

    Her astonished expression makes Wonwoo laugh. “You know, I did dumb things on camera, but I’m not that stupid. And who knows Youtube better than one of its creators?”

    “Uh, apparently, everyone else, if you’ve been in charge of these ty updates.”

The look Wonwoo’s giving Jaemi is making heat rise up in her stomach. He stares at her underneath hooded eyelids, giving her a Cheshire-cat like smirk.

“Well, well. Miss PG videos has a mouth.”

Jaemi leans back in her chair, an eyebrow. “Well, of course. How could I make my Fall Favorites Lip Swatches videos if I didn’t? 10 shades that’ll make your lips look utterly kissable.”

Her eyes subtly flick to Wonwoo’s hands. Nope, no ring. Does he have a girlfriend? Is there a subtle way of asking-

“Does your boyfriend think they make your lips look utterly kissable?” Wonwoo says slyly.

Jaemi’s lips slide up into a smug smile; confidence surges through her veins. Okay, Jaemi. You’re a ing badass. You make loads of money, are ing hot, and have a kickass career. You can do this.

“I don’t have a boyfriend, but if your girlfriend doesn’t mind, you can tell me what you think.”

Wonwoo stands up, coolly paces over to her. He puts his hand down on the table right next to her and towers over her.

“I think the only way to tell you is if I test it out myself,” he murmurs.

“Be my guest,” Jaemi says, and yanks him down to meet her lips.

 

    Somewhere between Wonwoo nibbling on her neck and threading her hands in his hair, Jaemi whimpers, “How- how did we get from that to this-,”

    “Shhhh,” Wonwoo rasps. “Fewer questions.”

    “But I have a lot more questions. I still haven’t asked you about who you are now, and what you like to do, and- we just met, and I haven’t told you about how much you mean to me, which is weird because I don’t know who you really are, and why do you even want to- god, Wonwoo-,”

    “You... talk too much,” Wonwoo pants. “We’ll get to... all that... later.”

    “Later? So we’re going to- to be friends?”

    Wonwoo pauses, looks down at her. “Uh.... sure. We can start with... friendship.”

    “Okay. Friendship.” Jaemi comes to her wits. “Yeah, we have to start by being friends.”

    “Uhh... yeah. Okay.”

    “Okay.” Jaemi takes a deep breath and straightens up. “Okay. Friends. Just friends.”

    Wonwoo rubs his temples. “Yeah, okay. That’s the logical thing to do.”

    The two of them collect themselves. Jaemi feels like she is in some kind of acid-induced hallucination. She half expects to wake up any moment.

    She abruptly turns to Wonwoo and sticks out her hand.

    “Friends?” she says.

    He smiles and shakes her hand.

    “Friends.”