BGM: Hush Hush Avril Lavigne

(because Youtube wont give me the embed link to this.Please click on the link below and listen as you read. The highlighted text are snippets of the song)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q7pXzEgYX0Y

I was prepared....before I left my dorm that night to meet him again to resume filming, I was ready. I have made up my mind. I was very nervous, of course. It's not every day that I confess to any guy, but I have decided. There was no turning back.

I meticulously prepared every gift...planned which ones I should give first. I thought it was like paving the road so I could smoothly deliver my speech when we can finally talk in private after the filming. I was too excited I couldn't wait.

I wanted to keep you, forever next to me

I boldly linked my arms on his every chance I got, just because I wanted to. I must have come off looking like a non conservative girl, very far from my shy and innocent image, but who cares? It was the last day we had. And I meant to maximize it.

I didn't mean to fall in love…

I changed the lyrics to our song, and used Banmal to sing it to him...hoping he'd get the message I was silently conveying. Hoping he could see the truth in "Now I look into your eyes and tell you, I love you".

He surprised me with the bouquet of flowers, and the pink guitar and I was beyond ecstatic. I was lost for words. All that escaped my lips was "Ottoke?" But at the back of my head I was going crazy thinking, "we have a shot at something". Why else would he give me all that, if he didn't at least feel half as much as the feelings I had for him?

We never meant for it to mean this much

My last present was part 2 of the story book I gave him during our double birthday trip. I purposely ended it with "and they lived happily ever after" hinting in what I wanted out of this "relationship".

We bid goodbye reluctantly...or at least I was...reluctant I mean. I didn't want him to go anywhere else.

With a hug, our first (hopefully not the last) I entered the glass doors. The faster I get in, the faster the crew will leave. And I could ask him to meet.

When I entered the dorm, everyone was sleeping. I put down all the gifts I received from him on my bed and went out to the living room to send Yong Oppa a message. But he beat me to it saying the same thing I wanted to tell him.

"Hyun can you come out after all the staff have left? I have something to say."

"Ne oppa. I have something important to tell you too."

30 minutes later, I excitedly went down to where he said he'd be...the bench at the park we just sat at a few minutes ago. We found ourselves staring at each other before we simultaneously said

"Hyun, I.."     "Yong oppa.."

We smiled shyly. "You go first Oppa." I urged him to. I needed the time to calm my fluttering heart from just the way he smiled at me. I needed to remember what I was just going to say.

"Alright...I just...wanted to say thank you. I had a good time playing your husband on the show and that WGM has helped CNBLUE a lot when we were just a rookie band. Thank you, for being a good friend to my brothers. And I hope we can still continue being good friends after this." He said in one breath.

Don't, don't, don't you ever say a word, word…of what you ever thought you heard, heard

I tried to smile. 'Playing your husband' just sounded so wrong in my ears. Was it just all for a show for him? He so casually said it like it meant nothing more than just a show.

The confession that I prepared all night, where did it go? Out the window?

I smiled bitterly. "Sure Oppa, why shouldn't we be..friends I mean. I have learned a lot from this show too. You know commensalism? Benefiting mutually from the experience." I smiled again, not understanding what I was saying myself. How can I talk about ecological relationships at this kind of moment?

"Then I guess we're good right?" He smiled again with that snaggletooth and added "Chingu?!" He stretched out his hand, meaning to have a handshake. I took it. That would be the last time I'd ever hold his hand. When will I ever get the chance again?

"Ne chingu Oppa." I turned around to leave.

"Wait, Seohyun-ah, didn't you have something important to say?"

I did. I have a lot to say Oppa. Like how I dont ever want to be friends with you. I want to be your girlfriend...But I chickened out. Whatever happened to "there's no turning back".

"Ah nothing....Just, take care oppa...and thank you for everything..." including breaking my heart.

"Alright then. See you around, chingu." Did he have to reiterate?

I waved goodbye and abruptly turned away..before my tears could fall. I almost embarrassed myself from confessing love to a guy who only wants to be friends. Besides I didnt want to see him leaving. I didnt want to see him walking away from me, knowing he's never going to turn around and take a step back to me. That will just double the pain I felt.

I hurriedly entered the glass doors, this time with a very heavy heart, very different from the feeling of excitement I just had when I first entered it earlier that night.

So many questions, But I don't ask why

How could everything turn out the opposite of what I imagined it to be? How could a day start so beautifully and end so cruelly heartbreaking? 

In a day, I experienced how to be so deeply inlove to the point of taking the initiative to confess. And in the same day I experienced how it was to be heartbroken.

Someone told me before, in a situation where a guy and a girl are forced to be in that pretend marriage/relationship scenario, it is always the girl who falls in love with the guy first. I guess that someone was right.

I thought I was love smart. After reading all those books about how to be smart even in love, I realized I still wasn't prepared. I guess nothing could ever prepare my heart for this. Did I expect too much? Assumed too much? I did, didn't I? Pabo Seo Juhyun. Pabo.

What we had was so true, and somehow we lost everything

He only saw it as work. He only saw me as a work partner.

Somehow he became someone who could mean everything to me, but I meant nothing to him but a friend. Pabo.

So go on, live your life, So go on, and say goodbye

When I came back up to the dorm, I couldn't help the sob that escaped, which turned to a loud cry that I tried to muffle with my hands. I didn't want my unnies to hear, I didn't want them to see me like this. But too late, Hyoyeon unnie heard me and came out from our room.

"Oh my God Seohyunnie" she didn't even ask me what happened. If there was anyone who knew about my feelings about Yong oppa, it would be Hyo unnie. She could read me like an open book.

"Dont cry now Hyunnie. Unnie is here."

"It's over Unnie. It's all over."

"Of course not. It's just goodbye, it's not the end. Shhh. Im sure you and Yonghwa will still see each other around right?"

Thank God I didnt tell them of my plans. Unnie probably thought I was crying for having to leave the show. But I didn't have the energy to correct her. I didn't have the energy to tell her I just got my heart broken.

So many questions, but I dont ask why..Maybe someday but not tonight. Hush hush now.

Hush hush my heart. Hush. But as my sobs died down, I can hear my heart crying.  

I lost a chance at love, before it could even begin.

And I can't never let you go, no.

Authors Note:

Hello. I was having heavy feelings all afternoon so I thought I needed to translate it into somethng. And this was the result. =)

I'm sorry to give you angst when it was just YongSeo anniv a few days ago and on Valentine's day too LOL. Please bear with me. The next update will be the last chapter. Here's a short preview.

"That was it? Hnnng, I'm sorry but I think it's lame and stupid. And you're a coward, Jung Yonghwa ssi"

"But I was a bigger one."