I always thought I was meant to fix people. Like the way I fixed Luhan, but I never imagined it would happen to me. Meeting him was the best thing I ever did, even if it took away something so private and real. Everything was real to very moment he put himself in front of me and said all those things. I knew it got real when my scars began to fill up my legs and my arms. I wondered how much the world will change if I kill myself.
Then, when Kris came to me and started whispering all those promises I believed, I realize I could have a happy ending… But then I was gone.

You won’t stop running while your legs are still strong, you won’t stop while your heart feels the need to get away of everything, even me. You won’t stop because I asked for it. You won’t because if you stay you will lose yourself, and Lay, that is my last wish for you.

I want you to remember me while you are at the run. I want you to know how important still are for me, even if we have to sneak to talk, even if we have to wait years to catch up again but if you don’t go alive, then I won’t either. I need to know you’ll be alright otherwise, I’ll die. I couldn’t forgive myself if I lose you.

That ghost of your past is here now, between the both of us. And we know you’re not safe, for this solitude is heavier for you than for me. I’ve always got away with it and all becomes bittersweet for your closeness and my helpless aid. I never imagined he got you with his words, with threads, but you kept smiling.

Lay…

I wish we had more time with each other. A year wasn’t enough, more; we needed a lot more than that. I would’ve liked you to tell me your deepest thoughts, your fears until they were gone. I wanted you to see me by who I am.

Tell me, when was the first time that my father abused you? Why didn’t you tell me when it began?  Did you break once you got trapped in his lies and own world? Weren’t you scared at all? Why you and not me? I desire your scares to cure them. I desire your sunsets to wake you up accompanied in a morning, but before that, become the ashes for this world and don’t let him find you.

While you’re gone and start all over, I’ll stay here thinking of the many times I held you in my arms, in the infinite times you were my thoughts. Many of the nights I watched you sleep and never realize you were slowly dying, and his blood, running through my veins, it’s a disgrace.

Getaway and don’t look back, don’t think of the tremor of your heart, please, never give a single thought on the way he touched you, think he never kissed you in the way he did, never think of his bare-face because that’s giving a face to your real fear. Let him die in the bottom of the abyss. He’ll never look at your eyes and realize the pain and chaos he created in your loins, he mustn’t know because it’ll never change.

Yixing, don’t come back to Hell.

Let the smoke of his cigarette goes between his nostrils, let the alcohol smell be one with his decease but never think he was innocent.

That wasn’t love. That was an abomination. Go away and don’t come back because that monster will wait you.

These four walls couldn’t protect you; it all was too much for you. And when I was drunk of you, you were only planning your getaway. Everything had to be perfect.

I want to have my hands on your back, kiss your lips to forget the trace that he left, and heal you with my fingers in your broken skin. Make love with you, so you can know that wasn’t love.

I love you. He doesn’t.

I’m Kris now, yesterday I was Yi Fan and tomorrow I’ll be a memory in your grave. Be free Yixing.