Damn this stuffed toy. You release a part of your frustration together with the air you exhale. You look at it and it’s smiling widely, mocking your skills and probably at the money you’re wasting. Damn this machine. You silently hissed at everyone who looks at you like you’re a bratty princess that won’t just give up until you get what you want. Ha. You really won’t give up, you think.

So it’s a Totoro.

Inside.

And it cuts your pride and your patience because it looks so easy to get, yet here you are, dropping the nth coin and angrily holding the controller while moving the metallic claw according to where you want. You mutter something, a little threat on this machine if you still don’t get it, but there’s also a hint of hope inside of you, that this will be the last coin, that you’ll finally get it.

So you can give it to your friend later.

Cool.

Tiffany will be happy, knowing how Totoro addict she is, and she’ll somewhat feel guilty for not preparing a nice present for you. She’ll call all the girls and then...you’ll get the chance to talk to Yuri.

This should happen later. You know your best-friend. She’s like an open-book. A book you’ve memorized by years of friendship. You know what she thinks and what she feels on almost everything. You came to the point of realizing that she’s your soulmate, probably. So you tried to test a more serious relationship once, twice—okay, six times. Fine, you know Tiffany too well and she does to you, too. But the soulmate you’ve found isn't someone who would want to marry you, or...or... have an intimate body conversation with you. You can handle her random kisses most of the times and it won’t bother you because it doesn’t mean anything, other than she loves you as a best-friend. Maybe, it just so happens that your soulmate’s role in your story is to be your forever best-friend, and you’ve agreed with it happily.

You slowly press the button and closely watch it as it grips the toy. Good. Perfect position. Please, hold it tight, please, please. You have to get it. Everything has to go according to your plan. It’s your birthday, after all. You have to force the heavens to play according to your game plan because...it’s your birthday. This is what every birthday celebrant wants, right? To feel special on the day they were born, to receive a lot of love from the people around them and from the heavens, right?

Then, they should make you feel special.

So, you should have that Totoro.

You force a little smile on your lips, watching as the toy slowly moves into the small hole.

“Sica?”

You furrow your eyebrows, fully distracted on hearing your own name. A pet name you only allow to a certain person. You search for the source of the familiar voice and see her, walking closer to where you’re standing. You feel your heart sing a little off-beat, it’s faster and you panic a little. This isn’t in your game plan for today.

“Why are you still here?” She asks you and you got a little confused on what she said. Where are you supposed to be, anyway?

“Aren’t you supposed to be at Tiffany’s?” You watch her lips sway every word, the fog of coldness embracing every letter of it. You like seeing her talk like that. Like she has a hidden cigarette inside and every time she opens it, it purrs smoke. You liked her smell before when she was smoking. You thought the image of her getting lost in every breath of that little stick was hot. That’s why you got a little disappointed when she said she’d quit. It’s for the health of her little sister, she said. You remember your friends jumping, and even prepared a small celebration like it’s a big news. You just sat there the whole time, trying to hide the pout of disappointment.

“Sica?” She calls your name again. And you clench your hand into a fist, containing the emotions inside of you. It mustn’t escape. Hold it tight. Hold it. You hate it when she calls you by that name. It sounds like a sign of ownership, like she owns you, and you hate it because it’s true.

“I’m on my way.” You plaster a fake poker face in you. “ I just saw this Totoro and I thought I’d just...” You gasp, suddenly remembering the toy that’s supposed to be in your hands now. You bend your knees and look if you really caught it. You whisper a sharp curse and glance at the machine, so it’s still there, smiling.

You see her holding the controller and peeping at it, curiously looking, and it made you huff.

“Don’t even try. I’ve used almost all of my coins just for that stupid smiling fat creature.” She looks at you and smiles. It was a playful one, like she’s accepting the challenge. You look at her open palm in front of you, reading the invisible “give me a coin” plastered on it and you pout. You’ve always liked that side of her. Always ready for the challenge and excited for the thrills, only, this stupid machine isn’t that thrilling enough and it only makes your wallet empty. You fold your arms and shake your head.

“No.”

“Wha—Why?” She playfully pulls the hanging scarf on your neck and you continue to pout, trying to hide the urge to smile. “No.”

“C’mon Sica, just one.” You sigh, and you see her eyes glisten and her smile grow wider, like she saw a sign of defeat. And you want to smack her face because you hate it that it’s true. You place a coin on her palm and you feel an alien tingling sensation moving, starting from the finger that touches her, up to your cheeks. You move your hand right away and sulk at yourself. This feeling is stupid, you think. Only highschool kids act this way. It’s just a touch, like...what the heck? It’s so dreamy and it’s a total cringe material, but you can still feel it and that you can’t control the happiness inside you.

“Trust me.” She proudly utters those words as you watch her concentrate on her mission. Trust her? You chuckle at that thought. If she only knew, if she only knew what you’ve given to her without asking for assurance—is this some kind of a fail humor from the heavens? You mentally face palm yourself. She doesn’t need to say those words. After all, most of the things that affect you didn’t require any thing to say. Like the moments when she hugged you for comfort, the silly moments when she smiled at you, not knowing that she already done a prank at your back, or those silent moments while watching the stars. Those were few of the moments without words, and the moments you like the most.

She grins at you like a fool and grabs your hand as the two of you walk away from the taunting machine.

“Let’s just buy Tiffany a Totoro next time.”

And you just nod at her nonchalantly. The Totoro doesn’t matter anymore.

“You’re going to Tiffany too?” You ask.

“Yep. It’s a birthday celebration. Of course everyone should be there.” She smiles at you again, and you reply a sigh for her.

“Of course, of course.”

That best-friend of yours, so she did plan to have a party for you already, that’s why you thought her excuse of saying not in the mood of arranging your celebration is funny. Well, you don’t really care about your parties. You just want something special to happen on your every birthday. That’s why Tiffany always arranged it for you, because she knows you won’t and that you’d only wait for their normal, boring greetings, and that for you, it’s a waste of money to buy something you don’t like—cakes. You’d rather blow a candle floating on a cold noodles than those colourful, sweet things that Tiffany always chooses.

You smile and think of something to give to Tiffany’s number one suitor. You know both of them will like it.

“You’re smiling.”

“I guess so.”

“Wait, is that supposed to be a surprise party?”

You give her a re-assuring smile and pat her shoulder. Stupid, stupid Yul.

“Aren’t you cold?” You slowly remove the scarf from you and nudge it to her.

“I am.”

“Here.”

“Nope. I like it,”

“But you’ll get sick.”

She looks at it, both of you standing still until she finally accepts it but, intertwine it to your neck again. You feel your insides perform extreme summersaults, like you’ve taken a certain drug and instead of you, yourself, the effect went straight inside. Every part of your body has gone insane, especially your heart. She pats your head, just like what she’d always do and you suddenly realize how long since she’s done it to you. You realize how you missed her, a sudden splash of emotions to build up together with the ones you’re trying to hide. You want to be mad at her, you want her to stop making you feel these emotions but you also miss her and you want her this close too.

It’s a little confusing. She’s making you confused, except that she clearly knows where she stands, that she’s at the safe lane. And you’re the bratty princess who still wants to take the bumpy road. She’s like your knight in fail costume armor, who wants you to be always safe, but you know she likes adventures. You know her too, just like how you know Tiffany, or maybe more. That she likes to get wounded, to slay some dragons, before entering the worlds of gay unicorns and dizzy rainbows. But she’s scared you’d get hurt so she’d ignore it and take the boring path. But you know her, and that you want to take the risk of getting hurt too, The both of you. Together.

“I like it cold, just like you.”

“Yah! Kwon Yuri, what’s that supposed to mean?” You throw your hand for a slap on her shoulder but it missed as she starts to run, suddenly looking for something. You follow her, every step leaving a trace of curiosity and confusion, until she stops beside a light post, sitting and touching something. She motions her hand to make you walk faster, closer to her.

“You’re looking for this?” You stand still as tall as the post beside you.

“Yep. Can’t you hear them crying?” She her finger on its neck and she grins when it shows a sign of likeness. You mentally take a snap-shot of the scene.

“It’s annoying, I know.” You stare at them, and it make you feel a little sad and annoyed at the same time.

“Let’s keep it, Sica?” She looks at you, and you want to laugh at her as she shows her cute puppy eyes.

“Nah. I’m happy living by myself already. You can keep that puppy eyes of yours, together with those kittens.”

“But they’re two!” She adds another deadly move, a childish pout and caresses the kitten onto her lap.

“You’re good at counting. Now, you can keep both of them.” You chuckle a petty sarcastic tone against her, but she continues to fight with her cute expression.

“Please? One for me and one for you?”

“No.” You tightened the grip on your hand. What on chizz is happening to her? Why is she suddenly so caring about these creatures? You hear another soft cry below you and coldly stare at it. Please, shut up.

“C’mon. They look so helpless. They might die if we just leave them here.”

Shut up.

“Sica...”

You forcedly close your eyes and grunt. This is the reason why you don’t want to keep it. They look so helpless and will endlessly mew for food, for attention, that they’re so clingy. They remind you of yourself before...and you really hate it.

You sigh as you open your eyes. “You said to me that you don’t like me being so clingy and dependent, so why adopt these now?”

“You know I don’t mean it that way.” You hear the sudden change of her voice and feel the sharpness of her stare. Even if she was the one sitting, you start to feel smaller, like she’s looking down on you. “You didn’t let me finish that time, Sica.”

“What’s there to finish? Even if you turn that hurtful speech into an inspirational one, you would still have the same answer.” You bend a little and cup the other kitten close to your body before turning your back on her. You want to punch her, to shout at her, to make her feel that you were hurt and that you’re still hurting. That after your confession and her rejection, nothing has changed. You still have these feelings for her and it’s starting to escape from your tight walls.

You start to walk again and feel the soft thing moving its paws up to your scarf playfully. You look at it, and brush its fur softly with your bare hand. As much as you want to throw it away, or as much as how evil your thought is, you know you can’t do it. It’s because it reminds you of yourself and you can’t leave yourself alone. It just...feels so bad. Fine, Yuri’s good at guilt-tripping, but it’s Yuri. And you know you can’t resist everything related to her, even if it means giving up being a princess.

You feel her following you and hear a familiar ringtone playing. You pause for a while and look back at Yuri.

“Yep. Yep. Okay.” She puts her phone back inside her pocket and you wait for her to walk by your side, which she did.

“It’s Tiffany.” She says out of nowhere like she needs to explain every detail to you, “She said we better hurry. She’s alone with her number one suitor.”

You smile a little. “The others aren’t there yet?”

“By the looks of it, I think they’re purposely doing it for them. It won’t hurt, right? To celebrate your birthday a little late?” 

You nod. “They should tell us the good news later. I’ll gladly accept it as a gift from them.”

You continue to walk in silence, with a little glance from your new found pet every now and then. This is the second time you hate a moment without words, because you want to say a lot of things to her. You want to show her these emotions that she’s making you feel, and that you’ve waited for this chance, to ask her again, even if it sounds stupid.

You won’t run away anymore, you won’t hide or try to avoid her. You’ve already done it after your first confession and you know that’s what she wants. To make you walk into the safe lane but, you’re not going to stay there anymore. You’re going to show her that it’s okay to get wounded, to roll together in the mud, that she can’t prevent you from getting bruises all over your body. But you can help one another, laugh at the stinging sensations of pain or aid it with hugs and a little bit of kissing, that it’s okay as long as you’re together.

This kind of silence is not what you want.  You don’t like it because it screams cowardness, a kind of hypocrisy...that she’s going to say no to you again. Even if you haven’t brought that question, you can already smell the angst of being with her, the rejection you’ll meet again and the tears that would mix everything together, just like before. 

Maybe, you’re really being clingy, so much, that you’re actually suffocating her, giving her so much love there’s no place to breathe anymore. Maybe, you’re being delusional that she’s just being super extra nice to you, because she looks at you like a helpless kitten, that needs a lot of attention and you’ve mistaken it as love but it’s just not. Or maybe, you’re just being an immature brat, that you still insist on having her and that she doesn’t really love you.

You feel your eyes burn a little and you want to let all the confusion escape from your eyes, to let your sadness flow down but you know it won’t disappear after crying. Because if it did, you should’ve thrown these feelings away before. You sigh and try to control it. That’s what you can do for now. It’s your birthday and it should feel special. If you can’t have her then let the heavens shower you with sweet talks from Tiffany and funny jokes from Sooyoung, or a nice prank from Yoona and the others. Just...just to let your mind drift away from her, from Yuri.

“It’s your birthday today.”

“I wish it can get more obvious.” You flatly answer back. You just want to reach Tiffany’s house already.

She grabs your hand, a sign for another pause on your journey. And you feel the stern of her grip, and the softness of it and the same time. She wants you to stop but she’s not forcing you to, and that you can shrug away from it any minute. You look at it, careful not to move your gaze up to her face.

“Look at me.”

“Why?”

“Look at me, please?” You swallow hard. Please, please. Why does it look like she can order you to do anything, even the things you hate by adding the word please? What if you say, “Love me, please?” Will it have the same effect on her? How helpless you are too? You look at her, straight into her eyes and you suddenly want to turn away. You made the wrong decision because she has swiftly taken all off your clothes, torn the skin on your body and removed every bone out of you. Your insides that were partying like there’s no tomorrow a while ago, are all squirming, pushing each other and protecting your oh-so-poorly heart. You’re terrified, afraid that she’ll laugh at you once she sees her name written on it. Or maybe frown at it, like it’s a bad news and that she’ll leave you alone while you stay there. Your flesh so you can see every veins, and probably you’ll die at that spot. The end.

You see her smile and you gulp, like a cartoon character getting ready to be comically thrown out of the scene, only the difference is, this hurts, and this isn’t comedy.

“Are you mad at me?” She asks you, and you shake your head.

“I don’t have a gift for you, Sica...” You forgot the over-flowing feelings you are also holding up until now, and you feel her eyes darting your walls, creating a small crack. You can feel droplets of your feelings escaping from you.

“Consider the kitten then.” You have to run, away from her. Save yourself. You try to walk again but she tightens her grip and pulls you for a surprise act.

Her lips are against yours and you feel your whole body trembling as you feel the contact of her soft lips moving. Every movement rips your body like a zipper slowly opening, together with your emotions splashing, like blood, thick and richly red. You slowly close your eyes and let her guide you as you take a deeper plunge. She has stripped down all of your skin, and you’re supposed to feel cold but instead, you feel an unknown warmth moving around you and particularly rotating in your stomach. If you have what they call the Sica effect, then probably this is the Yuri effect. You feel her teeth scraping your bottom lip and as much as it’s supposed to make you whimper out of pain, you freed a dizzy moan of pleasure for her. An indication of losing control.

She partly removes away from you, before planting a quick kiss on your nose, while you still close your eyes and catch your breath. You’re quite a mess right now, a bloody you with some evidence of splatters on the ground. You think you need her again to kiss you, because without the contact of both your lips, your self won’t handle the coldness.

“Sica...”

You slowly open your eyes and see her panting, her other hand cradling the now sleeping kitten on her, and you stay speechless.

“I don’t have a gift for you but I have something. Will you consider it a gift?”

You feel your pet moving and you look at it. You feel it purring against your chest and it makes you smile because it’s the first time you see a kitten purr.

“I want to change my answer.” You look back at her, and from afar, you see a group of people walking towards your direction.

“Ask me again, Sica.”

You start to hear the loud voices coming from them and you see a tall figure which has the same as Sooyoung.

“Sica...” You finally look at her, preparing for the special moment on your birthday.

“Yuri,” You feel your heart singing again, and it was worse than before. It was so fast, and so loud  you wonder if the little cat can hear it. You your hand inside your open body and pull it out, together with your freshly beating heart.

“Be my girl-friend, please?”

Yuri doesn’t answer you by words, instead, she presses her lips again into yours and you thank her by submissively returning the kiss. You feel your heart continue to sing a stupid beat, but you also hear Yuri’s heart, singing the same tune you have.

You slowly smile to the kiss and ignore the familiar voices coming nearer to the both of you.

This is your special day.

And you decided to add kissing Yuri the whole night on your game plan.

And there’s no need to ask help from the heavens because it will, surely, happen.