When I am depressed I resort to the old fashioned methods to cope. I cry, I vent, I write, and I draw.

 

But it's never enough.

 

At school I am expected to keep all my emotions together and act like every thing in my life is wonderful.

 

The one person I shared all my problems with told me this: I know you're depressed, but you shouldn't show it at school. That will just bum your friends out too.

 

Why should I be the one to hold my feelings and problems in when I gave to deal with every one else's crap?

The one person I trusted betrayed me. I thought he would understand. If I was going to ever get over this (which I now think is unlikey) I would need my friends support, because honestly my family's no help (I'll get to them later).

 

Then another day during lunch at school, I was stressing about a test that I didn't study for. One of my "friends" questioned why I cared so much. Obviously I would, I mean I wasn't prepared at all and to my mom, grades and school are everything.

I said that I hated school and to "kill me now". She got mad at me, defensive even. She asked me follow up questions. "Really, you rather be dead?" I said yes. She took it as a joke. I bet she thought, "Wow just because of some stupid test she's stressing, what an idiot. And to joke about dieing." But as you probably know by now, I wasn't joking. But she just ignored my true feelings.

 

And guess what. After our little "conversation" ended she started talking to my other friend. She said something like this: "I can't believe she cares so much. I don't really care about my grades. All my parents want is for me to try my best. How ridiculous."

 

She said that. Outloud. Right next to me. After she ignored my obvious plea for some consolation.

 

You know, I try my best when I can. During school, with my friends and family, during club time. But I guess not many appreciate it.

 

Take this other girl for example. Before I met her I had a bad impression of her because of what I heard about her. That she complains about something good so that she's basically bragging. After I got to know her, that little quirk of hers never showed up, and it still hasn't. But something else did. And now I don't know what to think of her anymore.

 

In one of my clubs I'm friends with a lot of people. I like people, I honestly do, as long as they're nice to me. A lot of my friends are upperclassmen and the like. The girl I just mentioned told me this when we were talking about the club. "You know, you're really popular in the club right? Everyone knows you and likes you." ( It may seem like I'm doing exactly what that girl's quirk is but hold on a second, keep going)

 

"But it's only because you're friends with a lot of guys. I'm jealous."

 

What the hell? It's not because I'm a likable person, but because I have a few more guy friends than you? Now the reason I am friends with a lot of guys in general is because guys are a lot easier to talk to than girls, a lot less sass, gossip, and backstabbing, and a lot more fun in general. All in all guys speak their mind. Now the reason why I hang out with a lot at the club is because there are probably less than 10 active girl members than and more than 30 active guy members. How is this my fault?

 

Instead of being jealous, stop hanging out with the girls so much and talk with the guys. I mean she knew them before I did. They went to the same middle school for Christ's sake. I did not.

 

Of course I just held this all in. You're jealous? I'm sorry. Blahblahblah. I put on a fake smile and just thanked her for "complimenting me".

 

A fake smile I use everywhere, all the time. So often, I don't really remember what it's like to smile for real.