You won’t remember much.

Actually, you won’t remember anything at all.

Your name is Do Kyungsoo.

You were born on January 12, 1993.

You must be really confused right now, so I’m going to clear everything up, okay?

Well, I’ll try.

I’m you.

I’m the you you used to be.

And you still are that you, you’re just… a little lost.

Do you even know what your voice sounds like?

You should try reading this out loud.

Surprise!

That’s your voice!

Smooth, right?

You can sing, and if I can put in my two cents, I’d say you sing well.

I wonder how it feels like to be in your body right now.

It must be such an empty shell.

Doesn’t that sound depressing?

You’re an empty shell.

But that’s literally all you know.

Do you even know what depression is?

Ah, I’m sorry; I’m getting ahead of myself.

You don’t remember anything.

I’m not too sure how it works, okay?

All I know is that your head is empty.

Except for one thing.

You’ve probably already seen it, haven’t you?

The moment you closed your eyes?

There’s a man, right?

He’s tan, nicely built.

He’s smiling.

There’s a sunset in the background I think.

You’ll probably remember sweating profusely at one point.

You look down as he pulls something out of his pocket.

It’s a blue and white checkered handkerchief.

You love that handkerchief.

You might have seen it already.

It’s lying around somewhere.

Please don’t throw it away.

Anyways,

This man,

He’s smiling.

You’re smiling too but it hurts doesn’t it?

Your chest, I mean.

It’s weird though.

It doesn’t hurt because you’ve been stabbed or something.

It hurts because your emotions are just so overwhelming.

It starts hurting even more when he raises it to your forehead and wipes some sweat off.

“What are you doing?” You say, “Do you want to dirty it?”

He laughs.

He says he doesn’t mind.

Right now your eyes will leave the man and you’ll probably notice you're standing on a deck overlooking a beach.

You’re at the cottage and there are several others, but right now it’s just you two.

You’re his time and he’s yours.

He leans closer,

I’m not too sure if it was on purpose.

Your shoulders brush but neither one of you makes an attempt to change that.

He shifts his arms and your knuckles end up brushing too.

Your face feels like it’s on fire, huh?

There’s a pounding on your chest and it feels like your hearts going to smash through your ribs at any second.

I’m glad it didn’t.

It would’ve ruined the moment.

The sun is so bright.

It’s setting.

It’s disappearing, but its presence is still so strong, marked boldly along the tops of the rolling waves.

You look at him and you notice his face has also trapped some of the glow under its skin.

He’s so beautiful.

God, I wish I could see him again.

You’ll wish so too when you begin to realise who you are.

He senses your stare and turns his head to look at you.

It’s the longest, heart wrenching stare you’ll ever get.

It’s the stare that finally tells you:

I’m in love with him.

It’s anti-climactic but life isn’t a drama and you’re first love isn’t going to show up at your front door on a white horse and declare his love.

I don’t think you’ll ever feel this way again in your life.

I promise you, even if you fall in love with someone new ten years from now, it’ll never be so sickeningly sweet.

His name’s Kim Jongin.

Remember that name.

Burn it into your heart because he’s the reason why you’re here now.

He’s the only memory you have.

You confidently chose him over yourself and don’t you ever regret it.

Let me tell you about your love story.

Shortly after the cottage, he confessed.

He said he wanted to be with you and you’ve never been happier.

You agreed.

That was on the 24^th of August.

On the 2^nd of September, he took you on your first date.

He lavished you.

It was a typical movie followed by dinner.

He held you hand there and fed you popcorn during the movie.

He wanted to pay for the dinner but you argued for your 50% of the paycheck.

It was a month later and by now you were sure he thought this relationship was a mistake.

It would just be a ‘whoops’ to him.

You went on a few more dates but he started to act awkward.

You were hugging but there was always some kind of invisible wall.

One day, on your doorstep, you were sure your days were numbered.

That’s when he grabbed you by your shoulders,

And on the 5^th of October,

He finally kissed you.

“Sorry I’ve been acting strange… I’ve never kissed anyone before.”

You start laughing but you were also kind of crying.

Without another word, you burry your face into his shirt.

He starts to be a lot more open.

You help him out though.

It was less than a year and you were inseparable.

Two years in and you move into a small but adequate condo in the city center.

Four years later, after graduating, he mentions marriage.

“I want to spend my life with you Kyungsoo.”

You know neither of you are ready yet, but you still get lightheaded at the thought of walking down the aisle.

He says he’s saving money and the moment he gathers enough, he’ll get down on one knee and propose.

You tell him not to rush, ‘you have time’ you say.

He agrees but mentions he’d rather get it done sooner or later, ‘you never know what might happen.’

He gets a job.

It’s fine because you’re still seeing each other on the weekends; you’re still spending every other minute together.

But he starts working overtime.

He starts getting busier.

“Jongin, we haven’t gone out for dinner in a while, let’s go.”

“I’m sorry; I have to head back to work later tonight.”

He mentions the engagement ring.

“Jongin, you have time.”

He simply smiles.

He’s smiling, but why does he look so sad?

I should have paid more attention.

He starts working even more.

“Jongin, you need to stop.” You tell him.

He doesn’t listen.

He keeps working and working and soon he’s overworked.

He’s in the hospital and through a test you find out he needs at least a week of rest.

You also find out he has Creutzfeldt–Jakob disease.

His brain is basically turning into a sponge and there’s no cure.

You stay by his side but time is running out.

Cases of dementia start appearing.

He barely even remembers who you are.

You come into the room and he says “Hi Ki bum.”

Who’s Ki bum?

You’re trying so hard.

Please don’t forget yet.

I thought we were going to get married.

“Remember this? It was Valentine’s Day. I said I always wanted a giant teddy bear as a kid and so you ended up buying me one. It took us so long to decide where to put it. There was no space.”

He shook his head.

“I’m sorry.”

You start to panic.

Maybe he’ll remember something more recent you tell yourself.

“What about this? It was the last weekend before you took on overtime. We went to the park and we sat in the grass the whole day trying to figure out how to make a flower wreath. You finally managed and put it on me. You taught me how to do it and then I put one on you too.”

You explain, pointing to a picture of you two lying in the grass in each other’s arms, wreaths on.

He shakes his head once again.

You go home that night and you’re starting to lose hope.

Options are running out.

Frustrated, you grab a piece of paper.

You jot down angry words and sentences, half of them left illegible.

“Why can’t they fix it? He was fine before, so why did this happen? I dreamt of that ring on my finger every night and now I have to dream about being in his arms one last time?”

You’re not really sure what you’re doing when you fold the paper up into a plane and throw it out your window.

Who’s going to read it anyways?

When you’re this desperate, logic doesn’t matter anymore.

You’re crying on the edge of your bed because happiness seemed to disappear just as fast as it came.

You tear at your shirt and tug on your hair.

Your eyes are too blurry to first notice when a paper plane lands at your feet.

Spotting it, your sobs fade and your tears come to a temporary halt.

You look around for where it could’ve come from.

The doors are locked and the windows are shut.

There’s not even a single breeze for it to have ridden into here.

Hesitantly, you open it.

There are four neatly written words in dark ink.

“It’s his brain, right?”

You look around, shocked; astonished.

Had someone read your letter?

There’s no way.

That’s impossible.

But this,

This was just too convenient to be a coincidence.

You leave it to the side for a half hour, contemplating it in the darkness of the night.

At somewhere past three in the morning, you kick your covers off and head to your desk.

You take a new paper and write down a simple

“Yeah.”

Repeating your actions, you creep to the window,

Opening it,

Throwing the airplane into the stars.

A few minutes later,

Another one comes out of seemingly nowhere.

“Would you do anything for him?”

Tears begin to fill the corners of your eyes again.

“I would. I would do anything I could, no questions asked.”

Your hand writing is messy, but they seemed to be able to read the chicken scratch in the first one so you didn’t care.

You count, and it’s seconds this time, before the next one comes in.

This paper was different.

It was gold.

“Then I’m willing to strike a deal with you.”

You read it over several times before cupping your mouth.

You mumble a ‘what is it.”

At this point, you’re willing to do anything.

Even believe a paper airplane appearing from God knows where.

Without needing to write the reply, another one lands only centimeters away on the bed.

“He’s losing his memory. He’s losing his brain. He’s dying and there’s no hope. Technology can’t help him.

But you can.

Would you be able to lose everything you know for him to not lose everything he knows?”

You nod, and I’m not bullting you when I say this,

The page illuminates and the writing changes.

“Then here’s my offer. In return for me saving him, you have to give up everything you remember.

But,

I will let you keep a single memory.

Deal or no deal?”

You sit there for a few minutes.

In all honesty, it was probably an hour.

Basically, it’s your brain for his.

You think about it long and hard.

You look at everything around you.

You’ll not only lose your memory,

You’ll lose your family,

Friends,

Your childhood,

Your elementary school and high school years.

Suddenly it seemed like a huge deal.

Then it clicked.

But you won’t know you lost it.

What you don’t know can’t hurt you,

Or in this case,

Make you sad.

You think about it from this fresh point of view and I think that’s when you decide,

“Deal.”

You read the new message.

“Then please, think about the memory you want to keep. I’ll give you a few minutes. When you think about it, think about it hard because that’s the only thing you’ll have left of this life.”

And you do.

You sit there and wonder which memory outweighs the other.

You think some days are better than others when you’re living them,

But looking at it from this perspective, you wouldn’t want to replace or lose a single one.

You look at all the picture frames around the house,

All the happy moments you’re going to throw away,

But one catches your eyes especially.

You’re standing there and he’s standing beside you,

Arm around your shoulders.

You’re both making peace signs.

There’s a sunset in the background and a used fire pit to the side.

The sky is a bright orange.

The sun is there too.

It’s so bright.

It’s setting.

It’s disappearing, but its presence is still so strong, marked boldly along the tops of the rolling waves.

That’s when you decide that’s the moment.

“I want to remember the moment I first fell in love with you, because that’s the moment that made this all happen.”

You explain as if Jongin’s listening.

Closing your eyes, you relive it.

You relive it over and over until you’ve replayed it about a hundred times.

Realising how much small things like that mean,

You realise how much it hurts to miss out on them.

The paper glows again.

“Good choice.

You have a final hour to prepare until everything changes.

Use it wisely.”

Just as mysteriously as it had appeared, the note vanished into thin air.

You don’t know if you should take it seriously or not, but it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Picking up the telephone, you dialled the hospital.

A nurse picks up.

“Hello?”

“Hi, this is Do Kyungsoo speaking. May I please speak to patient Kim Jongin? He’s in the west ward, room 452.”

Your voice is shaking.

“It’s very late as you may know, so I can’t make any promises. I’ll put you on hold.”

Not too long after, a different nurse picks up.

“I’m sorry; Kim Jongin is sleeping right now.”

“But this is really important.”

“Yes, I understand, but he needs his rest. If you are close, you know his condition and the stress his body is under.”

“Then can you please- I beg you, can you please just put the phone to his ear?”

With a little bit of discouragement and groaning, the nurse finally agrees.

There was a muffling sound and you hear a ‘you can go ahead’ in the background.

You can’t find your words at first so you just sit there in silence.

Your hands are trembling and sobs are racking up and down your body.

You take a deep breath because you’re wasting time you don’t have.

Slowly,

Breath,

You can do it.

Go.

“Jongin-ah…

I love you…

I love you so much…

You’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me…

I… I shouldn’t have taken our time together for granted…

I thought we’d have a forever…

You can’t blame me for that… can you?

I just...

I want to be with you forever...

I don't know if you can hear me..."

You take a really long pause,

And for the first time in your life,

You feel like you're drowning out of water.

You cry and your head hurts,

Your eyes are swollen,

Your lips quivering,

But most importantly,

You're hearts shattered.

"Jongin-ah, this is probably the last time you'll ever hear from me or see me...

I want you to know that these have been the happiest years of my life.

I'll never understand how I managed to live without you.

I'll never know how I'll manage to live without you.

But it's okay...

Because in the end,

I'm starting my life again

So that you can continue yours.

Thank you for all the happy memories,

I'll always treasure them all in my heart.

Do you want to know which memory I chose…?

I chose the one of when I realised I first fell in love with you,

So I can keep falling in love with you for the rest of my life.

No matter how cold a heart,

It can never forget a love this warm.

It hurts a lot...

But if you're with me,

Then everything's alright...

I'll be yours forever.

I hope you have a great life from this day onwards,

I'll love you until the end of time.

Jongin-ah...

I love you so much...

I have to go do something now...

Good bye...

I love you..."

You hang up the phone and your body is broken.

Nothing is functioning anymore.

The waterfalls of tears cascading down your cheeks are overwhelming.

I wonder, how could you just forget so much pain?

So much happiness?

You go to your desk and you look at the clock.

It's February the 14th as of three hours and twenty eight minutes ago.

You grab the nearest pen and paper and you write.

You wrote like there's no tomorrow because you don't want to forget,

 Because you have no tomorrow.

You want to wake up with Jongin by your side as if nothing happened.

There's no thought in your head that maybe this is all fake and these paper planes were a hallucination.

You're a psycho praying for a miracle.

And guess what,

Now you're here.

You're reading this right now just as I am writing it.

You're reading about the life you've left behind for the person you love.

I don't know how long it's been since I've- or well, you've fallen asleep.

I hope it hasn't been too long.

But I believe the last words on your lips were his name.

It pains me to have to write and believe that I have no idea where Jongin is as of the moment.

You- I love him.

I love him so much.

I'm so scared.

And I don't want to be alone...

Maybe one day,

In some life time,

You'll meet him again.

Please, if you recognize him anywhere,

Grab him and never let him go.

Hug him and tell him how much I love him,

How much I miss him,

How much I miss his hugs and kisses and the loving way he looked at me.

Let him know that until the very last moment of my consciousness, I was as in love with him as the first time we met, the first time we kissed, the first time we slept together.

Tell him I love him more than the world,

And that's why i gave up mine to save his.

Let him know that in some deep crook, somewhere far past time and space,

I'll be waiting for him to wake up, take the phone from the nurse, and say I love you back.

 

P.S: Good luck with your new life.