I’m as real as you want me to be.

---

Sehun sat crosslegged in the field of grass, concentrating on his breathing with closed eyes. He felt the warmth of the sun against his skin. The grass tickled his bare feet every time when he shifted. He once again thought about his memories, reliving them again in his mind. He remembered good memories and bad ones. There was this one time at the age of twelve, he had this enormous fight with his friend Zitao, and he regretted the fact that he had never decided to make up again. Or the one when he was eight and had his first crush. It was funny how crazy he was about her at that time yet at this moment he wasn’t even close to recalling her name.

Sehun liked doing this, remembering things. It was the closest to going back to the past.

He thought of his favorite kind of memories, the ones with Luhan in them. He liked them, not only because they included the person he loved, but also because there were memories with him he had never made before. He wasn't sure if those were actually called memories but he pretended like they were, as if the time he spent with Luhan was longer than it was in real life.

"Doing it again?" A familiar voice had said, from what Sehun guessed, were a several meters further away.

He smiled, not opening his eyes just yet. The question still echoed in his ears, the voice still sounding the same as in previous memories.

"Yeah," Sehun replied, "it's the only way I can see you."

He heard a soft giggle, and even though he wasn't exactly seeing it, he acted like the person behind the laugh smiled and stared at the ground, shaking his head.

"I told you not to do it anymore, Sehun," the voice said, suddenly a lot nearer than before. Shivers were sent down Sehun's spine by the pronunciation of the two simple syllables of his name. It hadn't been a long while since the last time, but to him, it seemed like an eternity.

"But we both like this. What's the problem? I'm fine." Sehun resisted the urge to open his eyes, because instead of seeing the thing he was longing for, he knew there would be emptiness. He'd see grass, flowers here and there, and trees in the far back. He'd see the blue sky, with small white clouds and the blinding sun. And even though he would see all of these things, they wouldn't mean anything. Nothing had a meaning without Luhan.

There was a long silence, but Sehun knew he didn't leave. He couldn't do that. It was impossible.

"I do like seeing you but not like this. Don't lie to me, you're not fine. I don't want you to hurt yourself anymore."

Sehun ground his teeth, his hands formed fists in his lap, his nails pressing into his skin. "It's worth it," he hissed. He shouldn't be saying this, he wasn't supposed to be against it.

"It's not! You fall into deeper depression every time you go to the past. You neglect everyone around you, cry for days, never leave home. You shouldn't be thinking of me anymore. It's been over six months, Sehun, there are other people who love you."

", Luhan. I only love you! I don't care about other people! You're not supposed to be like this, you're dead anyway." The last three words escaped his lips with a slight growl, emphasizing how much it hurt. Sehun bit on his lip, hard, almost drawing blood. His fingernails were hurting his skin, etching the tiniest of crescents.

"Don't act like that didn't hurt me." Luhan's voice was closer to Sehun's ears, almost like he was really there. He tensed up, back straightened and stiff when a shadow abruptly blocked him from the sun. The warmth was replaced by a sudden cooling that wasn't even supposed to be there.

"It didn't because you're not actually here," Sehun said, in a weak trembling undertone. Luhan's presence felt too real; the shadow was misleading.

The sunlight reappeared. "Open your eyes, love," Luhan said in whispers, right into Sehun's ear. It made him shiver.

"No," he replied in a shaky voice, "you'll be gone." Water came to Sehun's eyes, but they didn't overflow, yet. It was hard to resist, to stand firm. He forced himself to believe Luhan still wasn't there. He wouldn't be, at least, wasn't supposed to be.

He felt the shadow back on his face. "Can't you feel it? My presence?" Luhan said. It wasn't as close anymore, but close enough to guess it was right in front of Sehun. Close enough for this all not to be a simple made up memory.

He remained quiet.

Something touched his hand, something cold and soft, much like fingertips. He gasped and pulled his hand away, shaking. This had never happened before.

"Relax and stop being so scared."

His hand was being touched again. Cold fingers unfolded his own from his fist, slowly and carefully. "You pressed so hard," Luhan said softly, tracing the little engravings Sehun's nails made. Sehun thought of a visual image in his head that showed the long and thin fingers he used to intertwine with his own.