A/N: This is all fictional ok. i dunno what i just wrote. but junmyeon is my baby 

the first time you feel completely and utterly hopeless is when your brother gets accepted into snu. it's part betrayal, part realization, and part desolation, because he's your hyung and hyung isn't supposed to leave to somewhere you won't be able to follow. he needs to teach you how to not fail school and how to not fail at girls (you always try to mimic that little smile he gives that makes whoever it's shining on feel like they're the center of his universe— you draw up the corners of the mouth and push your lips together, avoiding any hint of teeth, but it just looks like a grimace on you) he needs to teach you how to not fail at life because you've lived your whole life as junmyeon, not as 'the brother of the boy who is attending snu.'

your parents are all smiles for three days and then they turn to you and ask you about what you think of going to that same university, the sinking feeling in your stomach escalates like its a leaden boat and you have no life vest. but you just say that sounds like a great idea and smile, pressing your lips hard together as if you can lock that lie inside yourself and it will become true.

you get your first C on a literature essay a week later. you don't tell anyone.

they say maturity comes with experience and exposure but you've lived under his protective shadow long enough that it's absolutely terrifying to see the sun because the light and realization that you will never be as good as your brother burns you, quick and ruthlessly. you aren't made of the same substance he is and your walls were always thin and easy to bend from pressure and expectations were always the greatest weight you've fought.

you wonder if you've ever felt this empty before

you run away.

you pass an idol trainee audition. you return home, but they don't look at you the same when you tell them about your failing grades and you no longer care, or so your brain insists at their frowns and furrowed brows.

they still look at you like you're a failure when you tell them about sm trainee life. but you smile and you don't know why.

they still look at you like you're a failure when you're given voice and dance lessons and when you're asked to move into trainee dorms.

they still look at you like a failure five years later, even when you tell them you've been put in a preliminary group, that you're friends with some of the most famous men in Korea, that you can sing and dance and smile in a way that girls would swoon for.

five years become six. you aren't so sure anymore (because you thought this was your way out of failure, but maybe you are falling and delusion is your only lifeline)

six years become seven. 

you start keeping a resignation letter in your bag, although you've never had the guts to give it to anyone.

you shred it apart the day you learn of suho. staring into the mirror (long brown hair, styled up with gel, and bb cream and eyeliner- you almost don't recognize yourself) su-ho you whisper the syllables, taste the leadership and stability the name demands and pretend you have it. can you even be a guardian when you couldn't even save yourself you don't ruminate these questions, you tell yourself. you can't afford to anymore, so you tear apart every insecurity and uncertainty until you convince yourself they are as inconsequential as the scraps of paper in the trash bin in the bathroom.

when you meet your group, you smile and nod, the same way your brother must have at his first day at snu. you're used to filling his mold, to assuming the void he left when he disappeared from your life.

but this time you show your teeth.