I don’t know when it started.

It might have been at that one interview, when the MC picked me as the person to pick on for that day, as they usually do.. and when you chose to stand up for me, to look me in the eye and say you think I’m just perfect.

… or it might have been that time, when we had to drive for hours for that recording. The car was so small and cramped,  our manager insisting for the n-th time that day on how important it was for us to act like the script said. You were so tired that day too, we weren’t yet wearing make-up and I could see the dark rings under your eyes, how your eyes would unfocus from time to time. But you still put me first, pulling a blanket over us and offering me your lap to sleep on. It was the best rest I’ve had in weeks.

… or that time when they told us to diet, ‘girls like thin guys’ was what everyone said. Yet you chose to ignore that and sneak food in. We shared a large pizza that night and we had so much fun that we all ended up sleeping on the floor in the living room.

There’s a thick stack of memories that never fails to make me smile. You’re beautiful, on the outside and more importantly, on the inside. I don’t love you only because you are the perfect Adonis in tens of flashy pictorials, I love you because you are the guy that listens to others, the guy that loves his family and struggles to protect those around you, the guy that sneaks out to feed the two street cats living somewhere in the back street of the building… I love you because your soul fills me with warmth.

Every so often I feel guily. Dirty. Am I taking advantage of you? I know you’re nothing but good but would you feel angry at this betrayal. Would you frown in distaste at how much I love every bit of affection? You tuck me in at night often, complaining that I should sleep early because I always look tired, that the make-up noonas always have to add more concealer but it’s not that what makes me restless, sleepless.. I can’t but stay awake and wonder..

I cry each time they tell us to do fan-service… if not on the outside then surely my insides feel like there’s a needle stabbing me often and with malice. After those words I can’t but spend that event in a hurricane of mixed feelings and nausea. If on days when it’s not planned I can fool myself, I can think that maybe that hug isn’t for them, the thousands of fans, but for me … for us, then in days like those I cannot. You’re doing it because they told you, because fans expect it, because it’s in the idol’s job description. Or maybe.. do you hold my hand because you want to? Is that light caress you do with your thumb when you feel me move just a little detail or is it from you? You hug me tightly and my heart beats fast, too fast for you not to notice but you just lean in closer, making me feel your breath on my neck. I shiver, it's involuntary and I can't but cheer up when you whisper a heart warming 'You were great' before flashing a blinding smile, first for me then turning to the audience, back to the camera.

It breaks me. How many times have the lines between fan-service and actual feelings has been blurred in my mind? I live a lie that feeds itself, that others feed and that sometimes, I myself feed… I keep it alive for it to keep me alive.

Then I met someone who told me it’s not wrong. At first I was filled with fear… this person would tell the world, this person will ruin me… But exactly the opposite happened. It seems like all I needed, all this time… was for someone to tell me it’s okay.

It’s okay to love someone kind.

It’s okay to love someone your heart tells you to.

It’s okay to love with all your heart and hope for your love to be returned.

It’s okay to love a man.

I’m better now. I love you and I don’t want to be the weight that pulls you down, that one person who foolishly ruined your career… no, I want to be the man that loves you, your pillar. It doesn’t matter if you don’t see my love as it is, all what matters is that I love you and because of that I want you to be happy, above all else.

And who knows… maybe one day tell you all this and close my eyes tightly and wait because..

It’s okay to put all your faith, in love.

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I have no idea what made me write this... I was just looking through some videos and a random comment mentioned one-sided (or seemingly one-sided) love and my thoughts instantly flashed to the idol industry. We know there must be some gay idols out there so I couldn't but think of how they handle it. Considering one cannot chose who they fall in love it this whole picture flashed before my eyes and I had to write it down.

Well, if anyone happens to read this -waves awkwardly-