Kibum’s POV (January 07, 2014)

                I’m watching the movie I AM where I could see all the members being interviewed one by one. Even though this movie was released in 2012, I still watch it when I have the time. It is all because I can feel them beside me... it was the same feeling everytime I listen to their songs. Blue World was nice to listen to. I felt happy to see them taking their next steps towards the wider horizon... whilst I... I just kept on to my small world. For 8 years... Super Junior had stand still... Super Junior always kept it strong. I am proud to say that these are the guys whom I was with for such a small period of time even though it’s just 3-4 years... I deemed our friendship lasted long.

                But everything became different...

                Hankyung-hyung’s immediate resignation...

                Kangin hyung’s immediate enlistment...

                And my... absence.

                To be honest after 4 years for being absent in Super Junior activities, I felt myself distance from them. I felt like I’m not in the group anymore even though the members and ELF said I’m still part of them. I feel like an outcast that’s why I rarely communicate with them... this is the path I choose for myself and my future. I know there are others who despise me ‘leaving’ super junior—but I cannot do something that I am forced to. I know my heart is in acting... I always knew that.

                 I always felt that I made a right decision because I am following my dreams—the members told me to follow what I want and they didn’t force me to stay with them. They supported me as I have supported them. I did what I want and follow my career as an actor. I am proud of it. I’m thankful to all the people who supported me... especially the Super Junior members but mostly... Leeteuk hyung. Even though I am always absent in most—no—in all Super Junior activities... he still calls me every other time to ask how I was and how I’m doing.

                I’m thankful...

                 But then... I’m not even sure if I still belong to Super Junior same goes to Hankyung hyung. Now that I think of it... both of us walked away from the band—we pursued our own dreams and as time pass by I realized that the only thing that keeps us all connected was Leeteuk hyung.

                Leeteuk hyung always tell the members and the ELFs that our number will always be 13+2 and also that we will cover the world with sapphire blue. His dream was to hold a concert with all the members on it... I doubt it will ever happen—it’s just a child’s dream. That was his dream  before he enters the Military—it didn’t came true.

                In a few months now... Leeteuk hyung will be discharged and everyone anticipates his arrival. I anticipate his arrival too—it would shake the world, I know that. Leeteuk hyung... the warmest person you’ll ever know if one gets to know him well. He’s been always there for us and takes care of us well especially me in the past.

                “My parents did not have a good relationship... they fought a lot and I was physically disciplined a lot, too. Things like that caused me to be stressed since I was young and I felt bitter towards my father, whom I was also afraid of. So when I became a trainee, I wondered if I was walking the right path and became all the more eager to become successful.”

                The interview question relates something from his past about how he lives with his family, at the start of the interview, Teukie hyung starts crying. He is too over emotional to things like this. I know he has family problems, but I didn’t hear him talk about it among us. In front of us, he’s show a brave look on his face and tells us to keep strong—no matter how everyone criticizes us. He’d show a brave smile and tells us to hold on to every trial we pass. Leeteuk hyung breaks down when he needed to...

                He shows his real emotions to the ones who’s he close to...

                He always tells us,

                I’m a leader and leaders don’t cry!

                Heh... he cries at every concert super junior make.

                There was one day... when I was criticized that I left Super Junior—that I was a bad person for doing so. It hurt me... because I did nothing wrong and yet they blamed me for everything. I was dragged down by it. I didn’t help me in focus in my acting career... I felt weak and I can’t press on forward, I can’t go backward either. I felt like I was stuck in the middle of a race. It was driving me crazy... they kept on saying that I shouldn’t have existed in the first place if I let them.

                It struck me... not because it was true... but for the reason that all I ever wanted is to follow my passion.

                In the brink of my despair... Leeteuk hyung called me.

                “Kibum-ah... gwaenchana? Don’t worry about those rumors, ignore it. It’s not worth to where you’re going.... the important is to keep pressing forward to your dreams. It’s not them who’s going to the path you’ve chose... it’s you because it’s your passion, not theirs. Don’t worry about us—we’ll back you up. And if ever you feel tired, don’t hesitate to come home and unwind for a while. You are always welcomed, remember that”

                But I felt,  I don’t belong there anymore so I didn’t visit although we see each other sometimes—I felt I didn’t belong because I choose a different path to walk. Whenever I’m with them... I felt left out. However, Leeteuk hyung always made time to call me, he listens to every word I say. He told me that he misses me, so do the other members. He told me that he’ll wait for the time when I’m already comfortable to at least... visit. And he’s still waiting... like a mother waiting for her son’s arrival.

                I’m sorry hyung... but... it seemed like your waiting is going to extend a little longer... I’m not ready and I will never be ready...

                I turn off the DVD player since the movie ended without me watching it fully. I easily get side tracked when I watch something related to super junior... I guess... I’m just not ready to face them... to face all of them... I—

                “—the deaths of Super Junior leader Leeteuk’s Father and Grand Parents deemed possible suicide as the three of them discovered in their home. A rep from the Dongjak Fire Station in Seoul told news outlet MBN Star, Currently, the situation related to Leeteuk's father and grandparents are being reported as a car accident, but this is different from what we know.  This was not a car accident; we are looking at the possibility of suicide . . . The three of them were all discovered at their house—”

                Leeteuk hyung...

(END OF POV)

...

                “...are you sure you’re going to be alright?” Kangin asks as he was the only one who’s with Leeteuk at the moment. His mother and sister were inside the funeral home while he and Kangin are out for some fresh air. The others already left for the next morning schedule, though they promised to visit him there again.

                “Yes” Leeteuk said, showing a small smile though his eyes were tired and puffy. Kangin gave him an assuring smile. Kangin pats his shoulder.

                “Be strong, hyung... the members and the ELFs are always here for you... arasso?” Kangin said before taking his leave. Leeteuk sends him off and waited for him to leave the place.

                Leeteuk’s relatives are also going home with a few members of their family helping with his mother and sister. Leeteuk went inside and greets several relatives and friends along... all of them are also leaving to retreat for the night. Leeteuk went to where his mother and sister are... his mother was still in terrible grief and his sister consoles their mother. Leeteuk settles beside his mother and placed a hand on her arm.

                “Eomma... you need to rest” Leeteuk said kindly. His mother gave a long sob and cries on his shoulder.

                “JungSoo-ah...” His mother’s quivering tone brought tears to his eyes.

                No... I must be strong... I mustn’t cry...

                He thought as he hurriedly clears his eyes from any signs of tears.

                “Noona... I think it’s best for you two to go and have a rest for a while... I’ll take over here” Leeteuk told his sister gently. InYoung nods and went to her mother’s side to support her.

                “Eomma... let’s have some rest, arasso?” Inyoung said in a soothing tone. Their mother leans on InYoung and they slowly made their way out of the room while Leeteuk sat still.

                He heaves a sigh, looking at the pictures of his father and grandparents. Until now... he couldn’t believe it... he just can’t believe it. After all these years... it had resorted to this situation and he—he didn’t know this would happen. If he had known... he would have spent more of his time with his family. He would have talked about this with his Father who seemed to be in a great depression, he would have tried to understand their hearts... he would have...

                He would have been there for them...

                But he wasn’t able to with all the work and stress he’s been through as an artist... how much time does he have to be a son and grandson?

                Leeteuk felt his throat constrict.

                He felt sudden regrets. His heart yet break into pieces again... it was as though someone kept on pounding his heart to break more. He promised to look out for his family so that they will have a good life, but looking out for the family can take something away from you too. He worked hard enough for them... but it ended this way.

                His father could have experience the joy to see his first grandson, but he won’t be able to... Leeteuk could have spent more time with him but he won’t be able to... Leeteuk could have been happier together with his father and understand him but he won’t be able to... his father could have seen him reach the top of his life but he won’t be able to...

                Because it’s too late.

                Leeteuk clenches his fists as he felt his eyes welled up with his tears.
                No! I mustn’t cry! I mustn’t! I need to be strong for them!

                “Hyung?” A voice called which seemed to stop the world from moving. “Hyung...” Leeteuk looked back to see Kibum standing by the doorway.

                “K-kibum-ah” Leeteuk’s voice quivered a little that he bit his lower lip to prevent his tears to fall. He grabs his handkerchief and dries his tears. “C-come in...”

                Kibum gets in and bows at the remains twice, after... he remains quiet as he said his prayers peacefully. Leeteuk just bows his head because he really wanted to cry but he’s just trying to avoid to. He didn’t want to let Kibum see this... he must be strong for everyone, he’s a leader afterall... he is Leeteuk, the angel leader of Super Junior. He watches Kibum with a soft smile on his face... and to be honest, he didn’t know how to handle this kind of situation.

                “Hyung... let’s have some fresh air for a moment” Kibum said. Leeteuk nodded and asked one of his aunt to relieve him.

                They went out of the funeral home again... Leeteuk kept on wiping his nose since the mucus kept on running from it. Kibum noticed Leeteuk’s teary eyes and yet Leeteuk always prevented it to fall.

                “Hyung...” Kibum started and Leeteuk quickly wipes a tear and smiled at Kibum.

                “I’m glad you’re here, Kibum-ah” Leeteuk said softly, but still heart keeps on breaking. “The other members went home already... they need to attend their schedules tomorrow, you see. Kabin’s been here for a while though and—”

                “Hyung...”
                “—he went home shortly before you arrived.” Leeteuk was speaking faster. “I’m not sure when’s the burial be, but I’ll inform you soon as Mom tells us—”

                “Hyung... gwaenchana?”  Kibum asks that made Leeteuk to stop speaking. Leeteuk’s eyes kept on tearing.

                “O-of course I’m alright!” Leeteuk gave a shaky gasp. “I’m alright!”

                “Hyung...”

                “I am strong!” Leeteuk frowned as more tears kept on welling. “I have to be strong... I-I need to be strong...” This time he couldn’t help but his tears finally fell.

                “Hyung...” Kibum looked at the leader sympathetically.

                “S-sorry, something got on my eyes” Leeteuk’s voice cracks. “This is nothing... this is nothing” Kibum’s eyes started to well with tears. He went and pulled his hyung into a tight hug. Leeteuk was shocked—it made his tears to fall continuously.

                “It’s alright hyung...” Kibum told him with a quivering tone as he was crying too. “It’s alright... it’s alright if you cry”

                Leeteuk whimpered and trembled.

                “I... I have... I have to be strong... I...”

                “Hyung... it’s alright... you don’t have to be strong...” Kibum whimpered and cried.

                “K-kibum... I’m sorry... I-I just can’t... I must be strong...” Leeteuk forced himself not to crumble... but then...

                “Hyung, pabo-yah?!” Kyuhyun’s voice hovered. Leeteuk turns to see a crying magnae. “D-do you think we won’t see you as our leader anymore just because you don’t want to cry?!” The other Super Junior members were there.

                “Hyung... you can’t hold it all to you...” Eunhyuk said, he was also crying. “It will go worst...”

                “We’ll be your strength if you need to...” ShinDong said.

                “Hyung... you are still human, you can cry if you can’t handle it anymore” Ryeowook squeaks with a quivering tone.

                “You became my strength when Appa died” DongHae started as he wipes his own tears. “Let us be your strength this time...”

                “Hyung... it’s alright...” SungMin covers his mouth with the back of his fist.

                “We can’t be strong every time...” Yesung said, he seemed to have been weary on the travel back to Seoul.

                “Teuk-ah... even though you cry, we’ll still look at you the same” Heechul said.

                “Teukie, just let it out... everything is going to be alright” Kangin said.

                “We’re here for hyung” Henry said softly.

                “We’ll always be here” ZhouMi said.

                “Hyung Gwaenchana” Siwon said finally that made Leeteuk sob.

                “Everyone... I’m sorry...” Leeteuk said through sobs.

                “H-hyung you don’t have to be sorry... it’s not your fault!” Kibum said through gasps and tears. “I’m still here, hyung, I’m still here... I am here to be your shoulder to cry on... it’s alright... it’s alright, I’m still here...”

                Finally... Leeteuk gives up. He clenches his fists and hugs Kibum tighter. His tears roll down his cheeks like river. Leeteuk grits his teeth out of the pain his heart is giving him... truly, he is not handsome when he cries because he only suits for smiles. Leeteuk gasps and sobs audibly as he felt the pain gotten more intense, Kibum lets him be and just cried with him. The members gather around and hug them too and when they did so, Leeteuk wailed out loud.

                “W-wae... why... does it have to be now... W-why did this h-happen? A-am I a bad son, Appa? W-why?! Y-you... I p-promised t-that I will be s-successful a-and you w-will watch me g-get to the t-top! Y-you told me... t-that you’ll see w-what I can d-do... I wasn’t able t-to tell you... Saranghae! why... WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO?!” Leeteuk yelled, crying his eyes out and his face was getting redder and redder. Kibum just stays still... “I’m sorry... I’m sorry I couldn’t spend time with you... I’m sorry for every hurt I do to you... I’m sorry...”

                The coldness of the night doesn’t even matter to them... it’s like the weather doesn’t even exist. The pain in Leeteuk’s heart tells him that nothing’s going to be the same. He held onto s tightly. He was thankful that they were there for him... even if he’s breaking down. He looks up and into the distance to see a tall man by the gate. Wearing a black jacket and beanie... he kept his head down. Leeteuk gave a weak smile and continues crying.

                The man by the gate waves at him...

                Everyone... I can’t face you at the moment... I’m too scared to do so...

                With that... Hankyung walks away, with tears keep on falling.

                “HanKyung-ah...” A quivering voice called him. Hankyung turns around to see Leeteuk, sobbing. “Come here...” Hankyung slowly went towards him and Leeteuk embraced him. The other members followed him.

                “Hyung... I’m sorry for your loss...” Hankyung whispered.

                “You’re here...” Leeteuk gasps and sobs.

                “We’re always here... all along...” Kibum said and hugged Leeteuk. The other members went to hug them.

“Your pain... is our pain...”

“It’s alright to be weak for the moment...”

“We’re going through this together...”

“Hyung is our leader... you’ve took care of us...”

“Now, let us take care of you too...”

“Hold on... we won’t let go...”

“We will never let you go through this alone...”

“Lighten the burden...”

“Because we’re your family too...”

“You’re the strongest person we’ve ever known...”

“That’s why it’s okay to cry...”

“Your family will always be in your heart...”

“And we’re here to help you realize it...”

“I’m still here... we are all still here...”

...

                Kibum picks his phone after the funeral rites has done... he watches in a distance as Leeteuk stares at the grave of his Father and Grandparents. The super junior members were close by the leader... Kibum dials the number of his father.

                “Hello? Kibum?”

                “Appa...” Kibum started.

                “Oh... you called? Is something wrong?”

                “Nothing... are you well?” Kibum asks as he smiles a bit.

                “Ah, yeah, I’m with your eomma right now” He said.

                “Appa... take care of yourself, will you?” Kibum said.

                “O-ohh... I will”

                “Appa... Saranghae...”

AiMei: I was inspired when I read the news that Kibum visits Leeteuk... I know it's respect for him to visit... but for me, it's something more than that... it shows that no matter how big is the distance... he's still there for him :')

Leeteuk oppa, Hwaiting!

Super Junior HWAITING!