kyungsoo knew things. the things he knew were so ridiculous and so unbelievable that they probably existed in a fanfic somewhere. he wished he hadn’t been the only person burdened with these secrets, but he also knew that a less proficient reader of human nature wouldn’t have been able to pick up on those clues. so really, being an introvert--and an observant one at that--.

the first of these secrets was that oh sehun was in love with a bandmate who would never love him back, not in that way. kyungsoo pondered this statement, rolling it around in his head. even saying it aloud didn’t make it feel any more real to him. 

it first occurred to him one night when the three of them were in bed, back when they had had to share a room. or rather, when kyungsoo had to share a room with the two of them. 

“it’s cold,” luhan announced from deep within his burrow of blankets. luhan was perennially cold; his fingers always chilly to the touch like a plane of glass. 

“do you want me to warm you up, baby?” sehun called out. “that was a joke, i don’t want to. it’d be like hugging an ice cube.” 

it wasn’t a joke. 

“you know i hate sharing my bed,” luhan answered, after a beat.

with sehun, that is, kyungsoo added silently. 

he was really getting very good at this reading between the lines thing.

there were other things, of course, that had clued kyungsoo in on his maknae’s feelings, even though sehun had supposed himself a subtle crushee. unfortunately, he wasn’t always the sharpest tool in the box. 

one time, it was noon and the sm trainees had just finished their language classes. 

“does anyone want some ddukbeokki?” luhan would ask, sticking his head into the chinese language classroom. a chorus of “no thanks” or “can you get me two servings?” ensued, and kyungsoo would note, out of the corner of his eye, sehun cramming the styrofoam box of sushi he’d just ordered into his backpack and hurrying towards luhan, saying, “i haven’t had lunch yet, let’s go together.” kyungsoo felt a stab of pity for the kid that he quickly buried lest he found himself caring too much.

***

the second secret kyungsoo knew was that luhan was also in love. 

“did you know? key broke up with his boyfriend.” 

“oh, infinite’s woohyun?” 

“no, the model dude. wait, he’s going out with woohyun again?” 

“oh no, i think that was before the model dude. man, i’m really out of touch with all the dating news,” luhan said.

all twelve of them were having dinner at exo-m’s dorm, which was closer to the kbs broadcast building than exo-k’s. topics of conversation for all twelve of them usually revolved around company-related gossip or football.  

“must be nice to be dating a model,” minseok said. he spooned another piece of greasy meat into his mouth before stretching ostentatiously and lying across the carpet. luhan, who sat across the table from him, stared openly at his prone form. 

“they’re so tall and bony, though,” tao said from the sofa. he was playing anipang. “i prefer the curvy types.”

“it must be nice to be gay,” minseok mused, not really answering tao. “gay idols get to date whoever they want because reporters don’t suspect anything and just assume you’re friends.” while the rest of exo chuckled, kyungsoo snuck a peek at luhan, who looked stricken. luhan quickly looked around, and when he noticed kyungsoo’s eyes on him, he forced a guffaw and turned away to swipe at his eyes, which were filling fast with tears. kyungsoo returned to gazing at minseok and feeling like he really ought to give the bastard a nice resounding thwack in the head. 

“i’m going to bed.” luhan jumped up and dumped his plate into the dishwasher before slamming the door to the bedroom he shared with yixing. only kyungsoo, yixing, and sehun picked up on this, looking up quizzically. 

“i think we’ll be heading back soon, too,” chanyeol said from his perch on the sofa. he was strumming yixing’s guitar, plucking out a handful of notes from different songs. 

suho nodded. “we have to sort the fangifts first, though,” he said, dragging out a large bag of assorted presents. the managers of other groups usually did this, passing the gifts that were specifically addressed to the member, but exo had found that more often than not they ended up swapping gifts intended for each other, so it was faster to do it this way: everyone looking through the gifts together and taking whatever they liked. 

they worked quickly this time, with suho pulling out the gifts and calling them out, auction-style. 

“... and this one’s addressed to sehun. it’s a weird red cap with eyes on it. sehun?”

sehun flicked his eyes over. “no."

“tao? kris?”

“i already have one in black,” tao admitted guiltily. 

“okay, i’ll put it in the charity bin then.”

“give it here,” minseok said suddenly. “luhan likes weird things like this.”

kyungsoo supposed that minseok couldn't be a complete idiot after all. 

***

the last secret was on the verge of not becoming a secret anymore. 

whenever exo-m and exo-k had to split up, it being the ones left in korea, waiting for the others to come back. their jokes were lamer, more strained because there were less people willing to continue them. that they ate out more often (because logistically it was less of a hassle) was supposed to be a good thing, but because they were getting recognized more now their meals became rushed, sloppy. their eating patterns became evocative of their fourth single (wolf). one time it was only chinaline that got to leave for china, while jongdae and minseok hung out at k’s dorm and moped and ate all the chips and watched variety shows with chanyeol and baekhyun. 

kyungsoo got home to find minseok rifling through the biscuit cabinets muttering, “chocolate... chocolate...”, like a zombie looking for brains. he looked up to see kyungsoo walking into the kitchen. “hey, why don’t you bastards have any chocolate biscuits?” 

“yah, if you’re hungry eat something healthier, you idiot,” kyungsoo said. “don’t your hands know how to cook?” 

minseok gave up searching for the non-existent biscuits and slumped in a chair, sulking. 

“i wish i were in china too,” minseok sighed, flopping over. “i love the food there.” 

kyungsoo suppressed an eyeroll, as he was wont to do around minseok these days. even for an idol minseok’s level of delusional was getting a little out of hand. he could fool himself for all he wanted, but it was becoming clearer to kyungsoo what this was all about. kyungsoo knew that as a formerly fat person minseok would fight an uphill battle with food for the rest of his life. but his hunger pangs were only especially dire in situations like these, when luhan wasn’t with him to distract him from his cravings or indulge him in his uncharacteristic whims. without luhan or kris, his same-age chingus, minseok never felt comfortable enough around his dongsaengs to unleash his random aegyo or speak freely. kyungsoo could always read minseok like a book because they were so similar. 

“why don’t you get better at chinese, then?” kyungsoo asked. “then at least you wouldn’t be standing around uselessly every time you have to do an interview there, and they might consider sending you abroad more often.”

minseok wrinkled his nose in response. “can’t, i’ve tried. i too much at chinese. i barely passed korean, let alone learn another language.”

“well then, quit whining if you aren’t going to put in any more effort.” 

“sometimes i wonder who the hyung is between us,” minseok said cheerily. 

“i’m definitely more... fully grown,” kyungsoo replied, letting his eyes trail pointedly to his own crotch. 

“oh, off,” minseok yelled, and hauled kyungsoo in for a headlock, only to be out-manoeuvred in a matter of seconds. minseok resorted to kneeing kyungsoo in the balls, and they fell to the ground in gasps and giggles. 

they spread out on the floor, lying next to each other while trying to catch their breaths, swathed in a comforting silence. after a moment, kyungsoo said quietly, “you miss them, don’t you.” 

“exo-m?” minseok said, faking his surprise, as if he hadn't been thinking of them. “y-yeah, i guess... i mean, we’re supposed to be a team. being split up like this just reminds me that one day we might have to split up for good, you know?”

kyungsoo didn’t say anything, knowing minseok was on a roll. 

“sometimes things just feel too good to be true,” minseok continued. “like if i closed my eyes and woke up the next morning everything would be gone. i’d go back to being the -up i used to be. so i daren’t dream--i daren’t hope--” he stopped there, unable to say anymore. 

“well, at least you’re beginning to face your feelings,” kyungsoo said. minseok let out a short bark of laughter. 

“no, i’m not,” he said, boring holes into the ceiling above them. “i’m a lying piece of , a despicable coward.” 

“you don’t have to pretend you don’t care, you know,” kyungsoo told him, finally giving up on the doublespeak. “he might leave you, he might not. but what matters is that you’ll wait for him. that you'll be here for him. won’t you?” 

minseok twisted, blinking in surprise to meet kyungsoo’s eyes. 

then he laughed.

“you are one perceptive bastard.”

***

“what time are the chinese members coming back today?” kyungsoo overhead seunghwan-hyung asking yongmin-hyung. exo-k and xiuchen were on the van, heading for the dorms after a day packed with schedules. 

“they should be back already,” yongmin said. “hyunkyun says he’s going to take them straight to the company to catch up with the gayo daejun rehearsals.” 

next to kyungsoo, minseok clenched and unclenched his fingers, looking out at the traffic through the snow-flecked window. 

“we’ll drop you off at the company,” yongmin was saying to seunghwan, “before going to the dorms. does anyone else want to get off at the company, practice a bit?” he called out to the rest of the members. he was met with a wall of incredulous looks. 

“no thanks, we’ve been killing ourselves all day,” chanyeol said snippily. “seunghwan-hyung, feel free to buy yourself a coffin if you’re thinking of doing another all-nighter.”

it came to no surprise at all to kyungsoo when the van pulled up in the company's parking lot and minseok hopped out behind seunghwan without so much of an excuse to the rest. everyone was either sleeping or playing with their phones anyway, and were unlikely to clock minseok’s absence. 

kyungsoo watched from the van as minseok bounded towards the sm building with a spring in his step. the chinese members, who had just arrived at the lobby, turned to greet him, surprised. but it was luhan who made a beeline for minseok, pinning him against the door and burying his face in minseok’s neck.

***

they remained in their static but urgent embrace for a while as the chinese members slowly backed away and made for the practice rooms without a word. minseok thought he heard tao let out a stupid giggle before receding into the background, where he should be.

“it’s cold,” luhan said into minseok’s ear. perhaps that was why luhan had always been drawn to minseok, who was always hot, always shaking the sweat out of his fringe, even in autumn. 

minseok lifted a hand, pressed it into luhan’s forehead, then dragged it across his soft fluffy hair, over his perfectly formed skull, and cupped his nape, willing the warmth from his palm to plaster itself into luhan’s neck. 

“i’m here,” he found himself saying. “i’ll always be here.” 

he felt a dampness at the back of his collar and knew luhan was crying again, except this time he didn't have to pretend he didn't know anymore, didn't have to contrive to avoid luhan's piercing gaze.

kyungsoo’s last secret, which no longer remained a secret to minseok, and which luhan was about to discover for himself, was that kim minseok was in love as well.