Musee D’Orsay - France 2016

"Chaerin-ssi..." 

I don't remember that voice and also it's France not Korea, how can someone call my name in Korean? I turn back and PLEASE GOD! 

"WOW! YOU ARE HERE?" I am in shock because standing in front of me right now, my gizibe -ah been a long time since last time said those word- my fan, the loyal one back then when I was still active in Korea. She looks even more beautiful than I can remember. 

"How are you, unnie?" she asks then continue, "We miss you..." 

I just give her my smile. 

"Do you know that Dara-ssi has now become the beauty campaign aids for Samsung Korea, Minji-ssi has now success with her solo and Park Bom-ssi will soon become a producer since she will be debuted a boygroup under YG?" 

I nood. I know all the updates. It's now like I go to everland and never come back. I'm still chit chatting with all my 2ne1 members, my YG family co workers, and so on. I just need a new fresh air. Something that everyone can not accept. 

"I know that.. don't worry. My relationship with the group is never been bad. How are you doing?"

She smiles. "Doing good but miss you so much unnie.." 

"Easy... I am still under contract of YG entertainment. I still have three years left. So maybe soon I will be back to Korea? Who knows?" 

"Yeah..." 

She looks like she wants to say something but then someone call me from the back. 

"Mo..Mommy..." 

I see her. I see him. I see both of my lovers. 

"OH.. are you hungry??" I walk fast to grab two of my cute childrens. They are twins - a boy and a girl. 

"Mo..Mommy... oppa..oppa..." Naeun, my girl twin kid tries to explain something but it's hard since she is a bit crying. 

"Baby, calm down.. play with your oppa first and after that we will go home okay?" I give her hand to her brother, my boy, Joeun. "Joeun, take care of your sister, okay?" he is crying too. Aigoo.. kiddos. But he nodds and then start to play again. 

I walk back to my gizibe and she is now look so confuse. 

"So.. that's the reason of your day offs? Because you love your children?"

"I love my life. I am so happy to have them..."

"Won't you be happy standing on  the stage again unnie?" 

"I am kinda miss it. But I can not go to Korea. Not now at least. I will not let anyone hurt my children.."

She smiles warmly, "how lucky they are because have you who adopted them and raise them well with much love..."

"Yeah.. lucky them.. I fell in love with them.." 

Is it true Chaerin? Lucky them? or lucky you because at least you find an answer to stay alive? I have no idea, dear myself. 

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Apgujeong, YG Building South Korea 2013

#SCANDALPLEASE 

Youngbae oppa is good at these. DAEBAK! Everyone keep talking about why should I ask for scandal with Youngbae oppa. Basicly I just want to assure myself. I have no idea why this theory run over again and again in my head. It's so close with new year, and from what I heard, Jiyong oppa would go to Vegas with Seungri and Harry. He asked me once to join him but since I have a schedule I can not go. 

Okay I lied. I use the schedule as the reason because deep inside my heart I can't stand with this relationship any longer. Jiyong oppa has a girl beside him. His girl. Do you think I am head over toe to ruin their relationship? Absolutely not. Instead, I was pretty sure that those lady would join them in Vegas as well. I don't think I can stand with them. No... 

So here come the idea :

1. Me posting selca with Youngbae oppa

2. Chaos 

3. No more conncetion of everything related to Kwon Jiyong oppa. 

But there goes the reality : 

1. Dara unnie taking photos of me with Youngbae oppa

2. It's blur since we laugh everysecond of it

3. There's a good photo although it's not really clear-tone-coloured

4. Once want to post it to SNS

5. I think hard of the hashtag

6. Youngbae oppa came up with the idea of "much scandal" 

7. Why scandal? 

8. I know he knows that the scandal will soon really blown up, I mean Jiyong oppa and his girl...

9. So I write something sounds like 'I WANT SCANDAL AND THIS PHOTO WILL BE FOLLOWED BY MUCH SCANDAL" written as "#스캔들좀.."

10. there chaos and laugh everywhere

11. I am happy but just for a while because it seems like a countdown for myself.. countdown to the real scandal 

"This is unpredictable Chaerin that I know.." Youngbae oppa says as he lay down on the couch besides me. 

"Chaerin.. who? Chaerin ... who?" I try to use my aegyo. "Aigoo... Chaerin who??" 

"Chaerin oppaaaaaa...." he answers and we both laugh... 

"I really don't understand you two. I am laughing at you two who laughing at something I don't laugh at, " says Dara unnie. 

"Unnie... I love you.. and thankyou..."

"I love you too and thankyou more.." she hugs me easily because I am in the middle of Youngbae oppa and her. We both then laughing again. 

I feel so relax. I feel like nothing would run away from the path. I know I am walking in the right path. At least before the time I feel the hurts. Do you know when people say "if there's no answer, hurt can answer.." 

My heart indeed hurts. But my brain not. So I continue to fix all the mess with my mind not my heart. I collect all my broken-heart puzzled and try to make it one. I TRY. MY BEST. But .... I give up. At that night. I give up. 

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