D-Lite is… dangerous.

I can’t believe I said that.

It’s not like it isn’t true.  Quite the opposite actually.  I’m just not sure I wanted to say it out loud.  I was just caught so off guard.

It’s why I hesitate to do these fan meetings in general, particularly in Korea.  I agreed to the one in Japan because the interpreter gives me time to think about an answer since I never know what to say.  I’m not like Jiyong who always has the right answer.  I’m not even like Youngbae who says what he wants, often the truth, but in a way that rarely propels more scrutiny or ire.

My first instinct is to tell the truth, and when I know I can’t say that, I try to make a joke to laugh off the silence.

I wish I had this time.

I had guessed the girlfriend question would come up.  I even decided to be a little cheeky and joke about getting a boyfriend.  But I never guess the Japanese fans would raise me and mention his name.

D-lite.

Oh well, it’s only because they – and everyone else – see what I’m so bad at hiding.

My more than brotherly interest in Daesung.

It shows so clearly in all my actions and in so, so many of my words.  It has for years, but it’s gotten so much more blatant in recent days.

But, it has to stop, it can’t continue.  I wish it could, but the reality is – Daesung is dangerous.

Every time we’re on stage, I get to witness the playful public side of Daesung.  He’s so at home, so animated, so free when the music is turned up.  I find it hard not to touch him, , hug him, dance with him, piggyback him, hold his hands, giggle with him… the list really is endless.

Everyone saw what happened in Singapore.  I completely blocked the fact that we were in front of thousands of people and saw only him and his sticky t-shirt.  All it took was him playing along for a second and I totally lost my senses.  It was only after he started engaging with the crowd that I snapped out of it and slapped a grin on my face instead.

I can’t imagine if I were ever able to make it official with him.   

I know he knows.  I know he loves me too.

But something has stopped us from admitting it to each other.  I don’t know what it is.  Perhaps, until we’re “Bigbang” it’s better this way.

Because I’d never be able to stop myself if he were my boyfriend.  I’d have to show him and everyone how much I adore him at all times.

I think most of our fans would be fine.  In fact, they’d probably support us wholeheartedly.  It’s the rest of society that would make it difficult for us, for our company, for our loved ones.

And I know I can’t fight that battle.  I’d crumble against it.

So, I wont joke about getting a boyfriend.  I wont talk about getting a girlfriend.  I’ll enjoy what I have now, I’ll treasure the times I have with Daesung now and I’ll hope for a day when I can answer that question with no hesitation.