The Dawn of Life -- flamzfox
CHEEZMUFFIN REVIEW SHOP~! (not accepting new requests currently)The Dawn of Life -- flamzfox
Genres: angst, fantasy, sci-fi, romance
Characters: Kris, Lay (Kray)
Status: complete (one-shot)
Description -- Dayum. This is a good description -- it lures me in and proves that you can write well. The flaws lie only in the small details. For instance, you say, “It had been a few centuries,” but follow up with “all eternity.” While a few centuries is no small span, it’s no eternity either. Similarly, you mentioned that Yixing had “forgotten what hope looked like,” but then stated that Kris “reminded him of hope.” Perhaps you could say, “He finally remembered what hope looked like when it stood before him in the form of Kris,” or something like that. Though, I understand that you probably wanted to keep the last line short for the impact. In that case, “Kris was hope” might work. Either way, italicizing “hope” alone doesn’t seem quite right to me. Anyway, aside from that, it’s pretty solid.
Foreword -- Again, this is pretty solid. Just a few things, though -- in the third paragraph, you finished with “his eyes,” but in a couple words repeated the word “eyes.” I might reword this, just to add a little more smoothness. In addition, when you say, “edging on the border of soft bronze or brilliant gold,” I would omit “the border of” and one of the colors. Soft bronze and brilliant gold are pretty different, so having “or” makes it hard to visualize. Also, just a suggestion -- when Yixing says that he “didn’t quite remember what light looked like,” you could add in, “but he was sure it looked like Kris,” or something like that. That’s just my opinion, though. The feel, the dialogue, nailed it. But I
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