We are all given the liberty to go to our homes this New Year to celebrate with our families. But somehow, I ended up here at the SM Building, along with the label mates and members who also can’t go to their homes, having our own party Sooman seonsaengnim allowed us to have. Mom said I can’t go home because I have a schedule right after today. She said that it would be impractical for me to do so. I envy everyone who is celebrating with their families tonight.

Fifteen more minutes and it will be a new year. I have to bid this year good-bye. It’s been a wonderful year. No one could forget about the successful year. I looked around, and studied everyone. Some are holding their hand phones probably texting their families and loved ones intently. That’s when I decided that I should call my mom, too.

I left the small training room and walked my way to the rooftop. While climbing the stairs, I noticed that the lights were opened guiding the steps; someone must have gone to the rooftop, too. When I pushed the door open, there were no lights, but I went out without opening them.

On one corner, I saw a familiar figure with her hand phone on her ear; she’s probably talking to her families, too. I went to the other side, opposite to my sunbaenim and brought out my phone to call my mom.

Our conversation was short, we just exchanged our greetings, and then we stopped. She hung up because we both knew that we would be crying if we talked longer. It’s been just three minutes. What a pity, my life is. I drew my breath as I looked up the sky above. The sky is beautiful tonight. In a few minutes, people would start the fireworks, and the sky will be filled with smoke. I still have ten minutes before the New Year.

“Hi.” I spun around, and I found myself staring down at the small figure from before.

“Sunbaenim.” I bowed almost ninety degrees but she stopped me.

“I didn’t mean to eavesdrop, but I hope you’re okay.” She looked really concerned, but I heard that she is not as genuine as she looks like.

“It’s my fault, that I chose to be here, but I’m okay.” I said, though part of me felt bad that she heard everything I told my mom.

She nodded and joined my solitude, propping herself on the railings, just beside me. “Was that your mom? You must’ve loved her so much.”

“Who doesn’t love their mothers?” I asked, and immediately wished I didn’t when she looked back at me, her eyebrows scandalized by my question, but the remainder of her face remained patient. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re right. Who doesn’t love their mothers?” She lifelessly said, and as if her soul had left her for a moment, it came back and she smiled her famed smile. “I love my mother, too, but you see, I’m a daddy’s girl. It’s a whole different idea for me.”

“What are you doing here? I mean, why aren’t you celebrating with your family?” I asked. She was looking at the stars… For once, I can agree to what everyone else is saying. I wonder if her stage name really defines her.

“What are you doing here?” She challenged, her head turned to me but her body still leaning on the rails.

“My family is not here in Seoul.” I said, hating that she made me say it, the words I hated the most, out of my lips. I wanted to ask if she could do anything about it, or if it wasn’t obvious enough. But if there’s something that is stopping me, it was her innocence. It was a paradox because she should know these things already, she’s older than me.

She had turned to look at the vast sky again. “Don’t you think that it’s unfair? Your other members can celebrate with their family, but you can’t just because you are not from here. This company is so prejudiced… You find it funny, don’t you? These words coming from me.” She looked at me, and her face tells that she had been holding that smile for more than two seconds.

“I can’t disagree with you.” I said, smirking a little. Maybe she is not innocent, after all. She is good with words.

“They aren’t coming back to Seoul.” She suddenly said, while looking at her fingers. “Everyone.” And that is when she broke. She turned around to hide her face from me, her hand gripping hardly on the rails, while the other on her phone.

“It’s all right.” I said, which I wished I didn’t.

“No, it’s not.” She spat, and it was enough to move me, too.

“I’m sorry.”

I watched her break down. She cried silently, maybe trying to be as professional as she can get. And I am also hurting inside. My mom and I promised that we shouldn’t cry when we’re missing each other. But every time I remember that promise, my tears betrayed me and decided to come out instead. This time, I wanted to cry, too, but something stops me, makes me want to comfort my sunbaenim instead.

I was still trying to figure out the confusion I’m going through, when she started brushing the tears from her face. She turned around to face me, and then she smiled, “I’m sorry.”

“I… I can leave if you want some space.”

She laughed out loud. My eyebrows knitted in confusion, but something inside me wanted to laugh, too. Those smiles are all contagious. “You are funny, y’know? If I wanted some space, I would have left the moment you came here.”

“Yeah, that’s right.” I nodded, agreeing with everybody when they said that she is the brightest member, in terms of attitude and brains.

“You have never been actually lonely in your life, have you?” she asked me, and then I remembered what she said in a variety show just recently. I stopped smiling, thought about it, and shook my head after a while. I’ve been lonely, sure, but at the end of the day, I have my friends with me. She said, “You are lucky.”

“If you are that lonely, why are you spending your new year here, alone?”

“I am not alone. I’m with you.” Her face contorted into an expressive sneer, and I let out a chuckle. This girl is good with words. I was about to revise my question when she turned around to face me. She said, “To face my fears.”

Then the first lights hit the sky. She flinched, letting out a scream at the moment, before catching her breath, holding her chest. “That was beautiful.” I muttered, but my eyes didn’t see the fireworks exactly. My attention was solely on my sunbaenim.

“Happy New Year! It was nice actually meeting you.” Sunny brought out her hand. She was right; it was our first time to actually talk to each other about some stuff and a little more personal.

“Happy New Year to you, too.” I took her hand and shook it, and just in time, another series of fireworks blasted to the sky, and her grip tightened around my fingers for a moment, and we both laughed at her quirkiness.

We both watched as the sky was decorated with different kinds of colours. But I can’t exactly watch with her cringing every now and then. “Let me.” I whispered in her ear, because she wouldn’t hear it at the safe distance. She was about to turn her head to face me, but my hands were already in her ears.

I almost wished that I didn’t do so, because I thought for a split second that she would be angry. And I thought she was, because she brought her hands to mine. I thought that she was going to take them off, but she pressed them more. And she returned to watch the fireworks.

I don’t know if it was the heat radiated by the moon, and stars, or even the fireworks, or if it was the friction between my palm and the carving of her ears, or if it was the breaths that I respired, or if it was the effect when your heart beats along the sound of the fireworks. It was hot, and beads of sweat broke through my skin.

We watched for fifteen minutes until the smoke had reached our clothes, and we started coughing. She grabbed me by my wrist and she dragged me out of the rooftop and into the stairs we were laughing for no reason at all.

“Did you honestly think that I faced my fears back there? You covered my ears, that’s why I felt safe. But I didn’t really triumph over my fears, all thanks to you!” She said, nudging me playfully.

“Should we go back there?” I stopped walking and acted like I’m going out.

“No, thanks!” she laughed as she took my arm, and we continued walking downstairs. We continued joking and laughing as we go downstairs. What the others tell are all wrong. She is really fun to be with and she has a nice personality.

As we go down the last staircase, we could hear the others talking to each other as if the fact that we can’t celebrate with our families is gone. We are all happy again.

“I didn’t know that you were a warm person.” Sunny said just before we reach the training room.

I countered, “There were a lot of things I didn’t know about you, too.” She laughed at my words. I felt my blood boiling to my face when she did that.

“We should get to know each other more, don’t you think?” she said, and then we stopped walking. She brought out her phone from her pockets and gave it to me. I nodded, and reached for my phone, too.

“Yeah, I think so, too.”

As soon as we got out phones back, she waved me good-bye, and then she walked away as she tapped numbers on her phone. I watched her figure, she was calling somebody, and something inside me pained when I heard the words that came from her lips.

“Happy birthday oppa!” She said through her phone.  And that’s when I realized, that it is January 1^st, Sungmin sunbaenim’s birthday. And before I commit the sin that I should not be, I went inside the training room to join the others with a slightly pained heart.