if the world had been a better place, we would be barefoot, holding hands

dancing on the rough ground with dust being more beautiful than stardust

if the world had been a better place, we would have loved without fear of ourselves

moreover, of each other

summer, ten years old

            In my generation, the area was divided into sectors and named with numbers. The bigger number showed lower group; the lowest though was named by the letter X. The sector I lived in was sector 2; which stood for the scientist. My father worked as engineer for aeronautic and aerospace research. While the place had been fixed for my father, mine though could still change by the decision I would make years later.

            The first time I went to the X sector was when I was ten years old. It was summer then. The temperature reached the number 48. The road and street were dry and cracked, made it seemed like they were stuffed puzzle. I was told that sector X couldn’t afford water; they got it free from the manmade irrigation that passed through their area. With this kind of heat though, the irrigations didn’t work.

            I had seen the ruined buildings and plywood houses from the textbook about sector X, but what was new to me was the strong scent of the place. The scent of sun had never been stronger and it mixed with dust and sweat, forming some thick rusty scent that made my head dizzy. It was fortunate that mother had bottle of milk prepared for me to prevent me from throwing up.

            The scientist of sector 2 went to sector X once a year in summer to find candidates. In summer, quite number of people of sector X died while most of them were left dying. Among the people who were left dying was where we searched for the candidates.

            There was not any age limit for candidates, either any gender, clan, household discrimination. All sector X resident had the same right to get chosen as long as they were still alive. But the main point for them to get chosen was to prove that they were some kind of genius to the scientist; moreover genius who could get their brain worked despite dying. Because the purpose of finding candidates was to train them to be astronauts for spaceflight.

            That day was the day that I met her. My first memory of her was the sight of her sleeping beside corpses of what I guessed her family member. Her right hand was clutched inside a hand of woman who looked like her mother; they had the same long black hair. They had trouble to let her hand go because the corpse had stiffen, in the end she decoded codes with her left hand while her right hand was still holding the stiff hand of her mom.

            Ten candidates chosen that day; she was one of them. They named her Suzy. Once a sector X resident got chosen to be candidate for sector 2, they became a complete new object. They were no longer human and must abandon everything about them, including their sector X name. So it was only in secret that I could her by her name, Bae Su Ji.

…

            Candidates lived in one big tower near the research station. In the same tower, was their training center which trained their physical ability and at the same time, fixed them.

            Su Ji had her hair chopped there. The dry long black hair scattered on the floor while she looked at my reflection through the mirror in front of her. She was then sent to a room which I could not entered, there they had to remove her burned skin and her rotten nails and teeth. Father told me, the procedure to fix the candidates usually took one to two months. The next time I saw her was in school. It was autumn.

…

autumn, ten years old

            The sector 2 kids and candidates studied in the same complex of school. It was easy though to find candidates among sector 2 because they usually had their head down near us.

            My eyes found her among the crowds of new candidates during entrance ceremony. Her clean skin, chopped hair, arranged teeth, resemblance other candidates. Her eyes though, were the deepest among all. She noticed my stare and replied it; she was the only one who didn’t down her head. She was more beautiful than summer night but more delicate than fallen leaves.

…

Su Ji was only seven years old then. I was standing on beige door of her room. The door shifted to side after I pushed the bell beside it. She was there; looking so tiny and pale. The clean clothes looked foreign on her body. Her roommate, IU, was looking at me in surprise on her bed. Su Ji though showed no emotion.

 “I’m Byun Baekhyun.” There was guilt then when I said my name. I asked for her company and she complied in silence. Before the door of her room was completely closed, I saw IU horrific stare followed.

There was never any law or norm that prohibited interaction between different sector or group. We were allowed to have any kind of relationship with no boundaries. What left though was the invisible feeling we couldn’t name, mixed by fear and reluctance, forming a wall between our worlds. We were side by side, but at the same time unable to reach each other.

It was in the evening, they had their break from their training chain. Su Ji walked steps behind me, an impulsive habit from candidates. I led her to the outline of the field where they placed the rockets and other aircraft. They were going to lunch a rocket that day and I wanted to show her that. We were there when the rocket was launched; witnessing its final existence on earth.

“That one is going to Pluto,” I told her. “My father is one of the people that build that rocket.” She didn’t reply but she was listening so eagerly. And so I continued, “There are ten astronauts in total there. They are going to fix and expand the space station there. They are also going to send some virtual data from there after doing some research on Pluto’s material. You know about types of spaceflight mission, right? Seeing the pattern of their mission, one can conclude it’s not necessary for them to go back.”

The sky was as red as the fallen leaves. The melancholy shade of evening was one of the things I hated the most. They usually launched rocket in the evening and so the color of the evening had became symbol of parting at the back of my mind. It chocked my breath. “It’s another one way trip.”

Su Ji almost scoffed beside me when I said it

The world was crashing. There were holes at the atmosphere and the layers were getting thinner by days. The nature’s life was shrinking as if it was dying. The summer heat reached 45 for every corner of the earth. The winter cold down to two digits minus. The plants could barely live and most of the animals had gone extinct. Both rain and sunlight bore poison and it was just matter of time until the air did the same.

The aeronautic and aerospace research team of my sector now responsible of getting a help from space for us. Space stations were built in planets and asteroids. The earth station ran two kind of mission for spaceflight. One way flight and two way flight.

In one way flight, the astronauts were sent and required to fix, rebuild, and sent virtual data from space to earth. They were sent to long distance which took years of light speed. They were not required to go back and it was impossible to bring them back from that kind of distance.

Two way flight was only for short distance like moon or interior planets. They brought back materials from there to Earth to be tested in Earth.

That was what candidates used for. This was how my generation ran. The genius born from sector X was taken by sector 2 as object of candidates. They were raised and trained to become a voluntary human variable.

Saving them from sector X was only to use them and put death as their shadow. It followed them day and night. Whether they were X resident or candidates, they were meant to die. Whether they were candidates or astronaut, whether they were one way or two way astronaut, they could die at any time. That was their basic knowledge about their life.

“May I know your name?” I asked beside her. The rocket had gone from sight. Its tail spread in sky.

“Suzy,” she crookedly murmured.

I shook my head. “Not what they call you. I ask for your name.” She looked at me, her eyebrows frowned.

“What can you give for the exchange of my name?”

I shrugged, “What do you want?"

“Build me a rocket that can bring me back.”

…

When I got home, I told my dad I would enroll in aerospace engineering.

…

summer, eleven years old

My whole life, I saw many bright people. The brightest though usually came from sector X. They were born geniuses, with overage IQ which in the past was in people with savant syndrome. Their mind decoded code and number, forming shape of object with their bare eyes, mixing number and alphabets, everything which people couldn’t master even if they studied their whole life. Su Ji was one of those people, while I was not.

They said it was expected of me in enrolling into aerospace engineering. It ran in my blood they said; my father after all was one of the best graduates. The funny thing was that I had not even thought on going to aerospace engineering before a year ago. I was not dumb or slow, but aerospace was in clearly different level than just smart.

The past year, I had been studying like crazy. Number, alphabet, line, and symbol passed through my eyes like endless commercial. My music player was now filled with audio recording of aerospace subjects. I listened them to my sleep.

I took the test to enroll in summer when I was eleven years old. They didn’t use connection when they recruit a student, no matter who my dad was, I was just like everybody else in the group. I passed though, with the highest mark that was. Everyone said that it ran in my blood, while other said I was born genius. Su Ji though, who sat beside me on the most corner of the library everyday, was the only one who knew how hard I worked for it.

…

What she didn’t know was that I did it for her.

…

With her age, Su Ji was only required to abuse her brain. Her physical training would come later when she was older. As for now, she only needed to run daily morning and night physical training. She was free anytime but that and somehow we stuck together at most of that time. During day, we would just sit together in the farthest corner of library. I was studying while she read some fictions she could never have read if she was still in her sector. On the evening, we would go to the field, watching aircraft boarding, parading in skies and in the end landed safely back to the ground.

…

summer, eighteen years old

Su Ji was fifteen, her hair had back to long; it almost reached the bottom of her back. A classmate of her, Fei, taught her how to tie and modeled her hair. She was not good in those stuffs though. In the end she only knew how to bun her hair. I, on the other hand, learnt how to braid.

There was something about her lips that made it always looked pale. It was not even dry or chapped; the candidates had their volume of water they must drink for a day. That goes for her face too which pale like the moon.

We were sitting on the farthest corner of library, leaning on the low shelf behind us. I was reading data of Anromeda while beside me, Su Ji was reading The Frog Prince; an old children tale from centuries ago.

It was summer, the heat once again reached the number 45 outside. The room though stayed around twenty. But the light went through the window; the sunlight was so bright that we didn’t need to turn on the lamp. The sunlight, they were all over the room, on Su Ji too, making her even more looked like the moon; pale and shone with sunlight.

The moon was originally pale, maybe that explained Su Ji. “Why are you so pale all the time?”

She was on her last page of book. “Maybe because I have never been kissed.”

I scoffed, “What does it have to do with my question?”

Su Ji shrugged, “I don’t know. But kiss seems to solve problem here in this book. It turns frog to man. Maybe it could turn moon to star.”

I kissed her right after she finished her sentence. One of my hands was at the back of her head. Su Ji backed down when I pushed closer, the back of my hand pressed between her head and the books. Her lips were cold but at the same time soft. It felt like as if I was kissing a ghost. Her hand which clutched my shirt though was the only reminder that she was indeed existed.

When I parted my lips from her, her cold breath hit my lips. She was looking at me like a tiny lost child. Su Ji after all at that time was just a mere fifteen years old wench. “You look even paler, stupid.” And colder if I may add. My fingertips froze while touching her ice like lips.

“Should I try again?” I eyed her. Her eyes shrunk for a second and the next second she had it closed. I leaned in while closing my own eyes. When I opened my eyes later then, she reminded me of the red autumn leaves.

Su Ji for me after all, matched the Earth better than space.

…

At the same year, the schedule of her training change. They began to insert a physical training. Her body was trained to bear the resistance of stress, pressure, shocks, and must adapt to the environment without gravity and oxygen. While this training was meant to prepare her body, this training was the ending for her soul.

They had her locked inside a cramped tube under the water today. It gave her claustrophobic which she should handle until it was completely gone. Tragic how it was them who gave her the burden then asked her to relieve them.

I could not enter their training center, so I waited for her outside the room. She went out at 2 a.m. with feet that could barely stand straight. I followed her to her room and stayed with her on her bed for the night.

Su Ji didn’t even speak any word since she got out, but during her sleep she mumbled incessantly. Beads of sweat rolled down, at some point it drenched her shirt. Her body was shaking while I hug her close and she kept trying to dig herself deeper to my chest. Her hand was clutching to my body was as if she was afraid to fall. Her body jolted minute by minute as if she was still under the water trying to reach the surface.

I didn’t get to sleep that night, and it should be completely fine if was not for IU who slept on her bed across the room. She was just as scared as Su Ji, the sound of her cries filled the room. She curled up alone, body shaking. Between her sobs, unknown name by me were mentioned. I could not do anything for her. But again, I didn’t even do anything for Su Ji.

That was the beginning and there would not be an end for this. Day by day I got to witness them crushing and dying, becoming nothing but a surviving and the same time dying empty shell. This was why they didn’t even bother to set a rule between us. The invisible wall between our worlds was enough. Just like how it was for us, who on each other side, but could not do anything to save.

…

autumn, twenty years old

I was accepted at the station and began my work with rockets. My first job was to prepare a rocket to be sent to the moon. This kind of rocket was a regular rocket. We sent it once a month for a regular two ways mission.

The rocket was meant to go back from the moon but there was never guarantee for it to be back. There were always chances of explosion and failure. Even if we had everything set up, other space material could come crushing on its way. I did my job with that fear in my soul.

The job confiscated my time. The only time which I could use to meet Su Ji was the time I supposedly use to sleep. Su Ji herself had so little time to keep her sense straight. The volume of her training increased. She suffered more phobias by days and it was stacked higher and higher until she was able to relieve them.

I was trying to understand her, to accept her temper and emotion. The burden I lifted on my own shoulder sometimes screwed my effort for her. It pained me but I know it pained her more. We both lost control of ourselves. In the end, at night, we would apologize and cried in silent to our sleep.

Today, when I had time to catch her at her training center, I found she was throwing up on the bathroom. I helped her to keep her hair to side and massaged her to ease her vomiting center. This kind of sight had been almost daily but I was glad that the pain in my chest had never taken this as petty thing.

Su Ji looked at me when she had nothing more to throw. She looked broken, she was beyond repaired I realized. But it was only at that moment I realized the ugly red smear all over her front uniform. They were still wet on her. Her lips shivered when she told me, “IU is dead.”

…

I never knew IU’s real name, now she didn’t even have body to be respected. She died during the simulation. This was not a new thing. Many trainees died. Some from stress, some from simulation. Some from accident, some from killing themselves. At one time, I was there to witness a trainee reached the ground after jumping from the highest floor of the tower. His name, Zelo, was something I would never forgot along with the flakes of his brain on my shoes.

I often dreamt of Su Ji. I dreamt of her jumping from the highest floor of the tower and this time, it was flakes of her brain on my shoes. I dreamt of her with defiled blade. I dreamt of her with colorful pills in . I dreamt of her with rope around her delicate neck. I watched her die even in my dream.

I slept in her room again tonight. From her bed, I stared at the empty bed across the room. The sight of IU curled up in fear was printed in my very eyes. I saw her that night, I heard the sound of her cries. In the end, until the end of her lives, I had not do anything for her. The same thing could go for Su Ji too. This time, I feel asleep, while crying on Su Ji’s shoulder.

…

summer; twenty one years old

            I decided to move in from my family house and bought an apartment around. Su Ji had only morning training today and so she spent the whole day helping me with my things. When it had reached midnight, we still had not finished with everything. The room was still messy with my things covering almost the whole floor.

            Su Ji liked summer night. She told me because she found the word ‘summer night’ was poignant. I assumed it was from the book she read, an ancient literature. I was on my desk, arranging my sheets while Su Ji sat on the windowsill under the moonlight. The wind was raspy, but Su Ji liked wind. I looked at her every few second just to make sure the wind didn’t take her down.

            “Stop stealing glance on me, lover boy. I am not going to jump.” Su Ji sneered. Su Ji knew about this silly fear of mine, I told her one night. “Do you know what I fear the most?” This night, it seemed she would tell me hers.

            But I knew already. “Death.”

            “If you know already, why bother with your gratuitous fear. At least, stop dreaming of me. I.., I always confident of myself. I am confident that I survive with what I have. I am confident that I will pass any test, any training, any simulation because I know I am capable of doing it.”

            Su Ji moved closer, her steps were dragged, softly sliding between things scattered on the floor. She stopped behind me, combing my hair to back with her fingers and hold it into short ponytail. “Doesn’t it bother you to have long hair in summer?”

            I shrugged without answering, giving her only empty hum. Su Ji bent down, reaching the nape of my neck and kissed it from side. The soft taste which I had only tasted with my lips all this time now burned on my skin, like a sunheat in the middle of the day. Her touch was mere, but it broke all the resistance I put for her.

            The next moment, half of Su Ji was lying on my desk. Her hands pinned by mine, her legs were on side of my body. My papers were pressed by her weight, on them were everything about stars, meteors, asteroids, planets, galaxy. I slid them away from her, falling to every direction on the floor, not caring that I had spent the last hours arranging them.

I didn’t want them to be here, on this moment, near Su Ji. Because Su Ji didn’t belong there with them. Her place was here; on the same planet with me, on the same sector, on the same home. She should be in place where I could reach her, where I could touch her with every part of my body; not with some communication signal and technology.

The summer night had never been hotter. The wind was blowing harsh, but dry. Her messy hair moved by its cue. The moonlight passed by my side, reaching for her bare skin, illuminating the red marks I made on all over her body.

Su Ji was crying. Tears fell down from her deep eyes and I them up from . Her voice echoed beside my ear, stammering my name almost as if they were weak whimpers. Her hand gripped my hair, burying it deeper on it. I wished she never let go. I wished she could clutch on me forever.

I told Su Ji; I loved her.

…

“Baekhyun?”

“Yeah?”

“My fear changed tonight.”

…

autumn; twenty one years old

            The rocket I was responsible year ago came back today. There was no crash, no failure, no error. All ten astronauts came back to Earth. That day, I breathed for the first time and I wished it could keep Su Ji breathing longer.

…

            At the same year, I was given and allowed to lead my own group. We were running a new project; to make a two way rocket for exterior planet and outer Milky Way’s distance. Fortunately, there were some genius freaks which took my ambition as their own.

            Su Ji was eighteen. She graduated from the training at the end of autumn. Five people remained from the ten candidates that were taken at summer when I was ten. Two died from accident, two from depression and one from suicide.

            Today, Su Ji would get tattooed; an emblem that showed Su Ji now had officially became an astronaut. I accompanied her through the process. She had it on her shoulder blade. She joked that it needed to be visible to scare us both. At the same moment, though, she cried while digging her nails on my hands.

            Su Ji became an astronaut in Autumn. What left of her now was only to wait for the verdict and ran her first assignment. A day felt like a second. My heart was never put to ease, it ran with my brain. I made rocket even in my dream while Su Ji dreamt of spaceflight. Fear was always a shadow but now it became ourselves. We were running out of time.

…

            Season ended. Tonight, we feared that we would be running out of summer and autumn.

…

summer; twenty two years old

            The rocket they sent to Pluto long before I was even born reached Earth today. It was back by system; the crew had all died. That was the first rocket that got back from such distance. We used it as a prototype; a new invention. The science expanded. The scientist looked at it with lust and burning desire. Their brain stimulate to its full potential.

            The basic concept of the rocket was the same with my concept. Mine though had been greater and avoided the lack of it. The statistic gave 90 percent of success for my rocket, it could reach Pluto and got back to Earth along with its passenger.

            At least half of century was needed to prove the hypothesis, the next day though, Su Ji got her verdict. Her first spaceflight would be two years from now.

            Her destination was extrasolar planet. It was of course, a one way mission.

…

“They said it would take a half century to get there.” Su Ji sat beside me, under the starry sky. I closed her eyes with my hand. She leaned on my shoulder.

“We are making a two way rocket for extrasolar planet mission.” I told her softly.

 “I.., I would not age once I am in space.” Below my hand, on my palm, I could feel her tears. “But you will.”

“You’ll be back; safe and sound.”

“Would you still be here?”

…

autumn; twenty three years old

            We succeeded on making the rocket. There was no time to test it; but that was how it worked all this year. We named the rocket Aumer; for Autumn and Summer. The season where candidates were chosen and accepted as astronaut. The season where I found her and lost her.

            This rocket would take Su Ji next year in Autumn.

…

summer; twenty four years old

            Su Ji moved in to my place since two years ago. It was almost rare, though, for us to meet at home. We were both at station, me with my rocket, her with her training.

            On day when we were home, Su Ji would do these things she found out from ancient book she read. She would act as princess which now living her happily ever after.

            This time, we decided to take days off. She learnt this one from ancient times too; a summer holiday was what they called it. It was something foreign, but maybe would be my most painful memory of her.

            For the first time, I saw her used dresses she got from sector 5; commoner’s. I took out my father’s old Jeep and filled the forever empty tank. Su Ji put in foods there; she said in ancient time those were food they had for picnic. It was of course different, but somehow worked the same.

            She filled the car with any kind of funny things we could hardly found in this kind of era. We even spent a week just to search for those things in the neglected dumpster. The only thing she didn’t brought though, was her shoes. Su Ji wanted to be barefoot this time; she told me.

            For our summer holiday, we had what the ancient said trip and did picnic. Under the heat, I drove around with Su Ji on the passenger seat. The wind was always dry, but Su Ji had always loved the wind. Whenever we wanted to eat, we would get off from the car, sat on our ancient rug and Su Ji would prepare things for us to eat. While we rest, then, Su Ji would go around, dancing, barefoot on the hot ground.

            The sunlight was dancing too on her skin and she didn’t mind. Su Ji would take my hand, asked me to follow her silly and clumsy steps. Every step we made bring dust around us but they were more beautiful that any stardust we ever witnessed. Su Ji on my eyes had also become more beautiful than any kind of star or even the moon.

            This was our last summer. Inwardly, we knew, what we did today was to prove to ourselves that we belong to this world.

…

autumn, twenty four years old

            “This rocket is meant to be back with its crew.” I told Su Ji.

…

            “I’m really scared right now.”

…

            Aumer was launched. Su Ji was inside it. Her first message after boarding: wait for me.

…

            We were exchanging messages continuously. Sometimes long, sometimes short, everything as long as we were still connected. The farther she went, though, the longest the message would could be received.

…

summer, thirty two years old

            Su Ji’s message arrived today: happy birthday. can’t believe you are now thirty.

…

            I miss you.

…

summer, fifty years old

            I was taking my pills when her message came out. My throat burned by the water, a chocked cough burst out, blood covered her name on my scene. I wiped them in hurry with my hand, she had typed: i am coming back.

…

autumn, fifty years old

            i am so scared right now

…

summer, fifty seven years old

            They said I would not last through summer. I had stop functioning, what kept me was not myself anymore. It was surprising though, that I could last this long. People nowadays, died before they could even grow old. I guessed I survived, because I refused to grow old.

            Su Ji had stopped sending messages. I though, was still reading our old messages. Surprisingly, there was something good about dying on bed for days. On ancient book Suzy liked to read in the past, they had written people used to see flashes of their life on the edge of their life. I was watching mine.

            I saw myself, young and in love, dreaming of making a rocket for a doomed girl. I could still feel the warmth, the feeling of seasons. I could still feel our existence in this world. Earth, after all, no matter how crushed it had became, was the only place we were belong.

            I suddenly forgot how it was to breath. My throat shrinking along with my lungs. My heart which kept running for years now finally resting, slowly it stepped to stop. I thought about Su Ji. I thought about Su Ji. I thought about Su Ji.

…

summer, twenty one years old

“Baekhyun?”

“Yeah?”

“My fear changed tonight.”

“What it is now become?”

“You.”

….

summer; fifty seven years old

            Su Ji’s message came after years. I kept telling myself she was coming back. I needed to wait for her. I promised her. I had become her fear. This was what she feared the most. I needed to be here when she came back.

            Someone I could not even recognize read the message for me, my eyes were closed, my heart was almost asleep, but my ears clearly hear. Su Ji’s last message:

            “We crashed on asteroid. The rocket is crushing; it’s not going to make it. Don’t wait. I’m not coming back.”

…