▸ t h i r t y - f o u r
Reminiscence
Luhan let go of my hand, the same moment he said the words 'I'm letting you go'. I looked into his eyes when he pulled away to see if he was serious about all of this. But what I saw was a confirmation. Despite the tears in his eyes, he smiled. Though I can see it was the saddest smile I've ever seen from him. There was a lump in my throat and somehow I couldn't seem to gulp it down.
"L-Luhan...what do you mean by this?" I asked him, trying to hold back my tears. But I feel like I couldn't hold them any longer than I should.
"I'm letting you go..." He repeated, like it was really what I needed to know.
My lips quivered. "But why?" I had to bite my lower lip to stop it from shaking. "I-I don't understand, Luhan. Why are you letting me go? I thought...I thought..." I trailed off, not sure what else to say. I just looked at him in the eye, begging for him to tell me some answers. The sky was peppered with stars, it was a great night but not for me. From where we stood near the lamp post, it was quiet. Like no one was around except for both of us.
"Haekyung-ah," he held my hand. "I'm letting you go because I know, marrying me won't make you happy for the rest of your life. Your heart beats for someone else."
"But I love you!" I blurted out hysterically.
A small smile appeared from Luhan's lips. The sadness of it radiated from his face my heart shattered into pieces. "I know...but not enough to forget your past, to forget Minseok. I own a part of your heart, but he owns a bigger piece." A tear fell from my eyes which I could no longer hold back. "I brought you to Jeju to spend the remaining days you'll be mine, to savor every moment I can still hold you and kiss you...before I'll finally let you go. But I was being selfish and proposed to you instead. You were vulnerable and you were confused about who really is the owner of your heart. You keep on insisting to yourself that it's me, but you're wrong Haekyung-ah."
"Luhan..."
He bit his lip before he continued. A tear fell from the corner of his eyes. "I saw you last night with Minseok outside the apartment. I can see how it pains you so much to shove him away. And it pains me too, Haekyung-ah. I don't want to see you getting hurt." He said and I cried. His arms enveloped me and pulled me closer. I sobbed in his chest.
"Luhan, I'm so sorry..." I sobbed harder. His hand went up and caressed my hair.
"I know you didn't mean to hurt me. It's just that...our relationship didn't work out." He said and I sobbed even more. I honestly feel like a horrible person. Luhan didn't deserve this kind of pain. He's a good man he doesn't deserve any of this. If only I was able to understand my heart...then this wouldn't happen to him. I wouldn't have hurt him like this.
"I'm so sorry, Luhan." I cont
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