Just so you know, I changed his age. Sehun would be 26 and you are 24. Hope you enjoy.....

It’s that time again. Trees being cut and going inside. LED colored lights going out as decorations. Holiday music being played while people drink their peppermint mochas and pumpkin spice lattes. Missing you. I’m standing at our spot, where we would always have our holiday drinks during this time. The spot where you eventually left me. And now, all I can do is talk, hoping that you’ll hear me. I was never one to believe people are still here after they die though.

My question is why. Why did you leave me? Was it me? Was it something at home? I always think about these things when this time comes. Others have smiles on their faces as they ice skate or play in the snow. But not I, because I only think of you.

I sit on the edge of the tall building from which you fell. Did it hurt? Or did you die before you hit the ground? I wonder what would happen if I fell right now. Would I find you again? Would you call me a pabo like you did before? I watch the people at ground level. Walking with red hats on. Walking with their loved ones. Smiling like we used to. I haven’t smiled like that in a while.

Was it worth it? For whatever reason you jumped, was it worth it? Did you know that you would have this affect on me? Or did you not even think about me when you did it? Neither a note was left, nor a keepsake for me to remember you by. Maybe you knew you would always be in my heart. I sometimes think it was selfish of you to jump. Did you look at all the bad things in life instead of the good things? And what about me? Was I a bad, or a good? Did you ever love me like I love you?

That’s right. I love you. Saranghae. I know I never directly said it, but I thought you knew. Did you? You knew I was never one to be sweet or romantic, but you said that’s what made me me. Were you lying when you said that? Because I love you. I would say it 1000 times if it would bring you back, but it won’t. My efforts would result in nothing but a strained voice.

Are you happy now? Without me? We always promised that only death would part us and, if it did, we should move on. It’s been 5 years, yet I still can’t. Whenever I try, I just think of you. I guess when we made that promise, I wasn’t expecting death to be your choice. I always thought that if it happened, it would be an accident. Every time I go out with some other guy, I think of how you would get jealous at times when I hugged my guy friends. You even got jealous once when I hugged my brother. And now whenever I try to move on, I think that you’ll get jealous and mad at me even if you aren’t here anymore. But then again, if you didn’t want to get jealous, why would you leave me? Leave me alone with all these questions that I always ask myself around this time. If only you could give me the answers.

I remember the first time I saw you after you left. Some saw you, and while one was calling the hospital or police or whoever, another called the first on your speed dial. Me, or as you put on your phone, “my love”. “nae sarang”. You would think that the ambulance would be faster. That they would get to you before I did, but I guess I just cared more. You remember how I hate running? Well, for you, I’d run any day. And I did run that day. Once I heard your name coming from a panicked voice from your phone number, I ran at the speed of light. I guess you just have that affect on me.

How did I affect you? Is that the whole reason as to why you jumped? You always stressed how big your love for me was. However, one can lie about how much they love someone. You were always a great actor, after all. If only I could find out now. But I can’t. You’re already gone.

Tears are streaming down my face right now, and it is all your fault. If people saw me in this position right now, they would think that I’m going to jump. Standing on the edge of a tall building, the same building that another jumped from five years ago. Tear stained cheeks. Who wouldn’t think that I’m going to jump? But the question is….. Should I? Should I jump? Would anybody come up here sobbing every year because of me? Would anyone cry because of me? Would anyone miss me like I miss you?

My whole being is missing pieces that only you could fill. Not physically, but mentally. They always say that you love from your heart, but that’s not true. That’s not true at all. Your brain does all the loving while your heart pumps blood through your body. I wish I loved with my heart. That would mean that my heart just loves you. There would be no thinking involved when you left. No “Why?” or “Was it me?” would be asked. I wouldn’t doubt the love you always showed me. I would just know that I love you. Simple as that. But, that isn’t the case.

It feels like when you died, a little part of me died along with you. The happiness, the life. You always said I was optimistic. That I could brighten your day any day. But, nowadays, I’ve been like a robot. A robot doing the exact same thing every day. Until this time of the year comes along. Then I come up here and think about you.

December 24

December 24, 2003 marks the day you confessed to me.

December 24, 2008 marks the day you left me.

Now it is December 24, 2013. This marks our 10 year anniversary. This marks your 5 year anniversary. And now, it will mark the day that I come to find you.

I jump.

Find me? No matter where I am going or where you are now, I will look for you. And I will tell you why so that you have no questions like I did when you jumped.

Because I miss you

Because I love you

Saranghae Sehun…

Happy Anniversary <3