See
Do You?"Do you see what I see?
A star, a star
Dancing in the night
With a tail as big as a kite"
5 Days a Meteor
Hansol & Kidoh
"... In other news, the lost dog and her puppies were found, they are reported to be in relatively good shape..." The TV droned on in the background of Topp Dogg's dorm. The world outside was a mess of white, the whirling snow coating the ground and bushes and everything it could latch onto with winter's grasp. The air outside, even as the late afternoon sun tried to spread the memories of summer, was as sharp as a blade and bit bare noses and fingertips the moment a poor, helpless soul dared to step outside. Yes, it was a brutal winter at the very least, and December hadn't even started to think of turning the calender page.
All the members were exhausted, choosing to collapse on any open space they could find instead of doing something productive. The promoting of their new-found existance as a group was draining, even though they had deputed less than two months ago. Time without something to do was rare, sleep a barely existing species. But tonight, their manager had given them a Christmas gift six days early: A whole afternoon of nothing. The very idea was beautiful to the idols.
The rappers, save for Yano who just bounced around the dorm like a bunny on a sugar high, had immediately collapsed, along with Seogoong, Hojoon, and Gohn. P-Goon surveyed s from the depths of a giant, round chair with the long-suffering look of the uncle who'd been tasked with putting the numerous granchildren to bed whilest the other adults went out for a drink. Jenissi was snoring quite loudly next to the leader, triggering a small flinch from P-Goon every time his snorts reached a particularly ear grating level.
Some others were shuffling around, fetching pizza or a six pack of the usually forbidden soda from the kitchen, occasionally tripping over A-Tom, who was sprawled on the ground, eyes squeezed shut like to block the sight of his hyungs stumbling past him or over him, too tired to care whether they damaged any of the maknae's vital organs. The heater was blasting away, the TV flickered merrily, and the quiet murmurs of noise, even A-Tom's occasional grunts as a member stepped on a particularly sensitive spot, was comforting. The warmth, the relief, the bound that would last a lifetime but had took less than a year to form; everything contributed to what was a peaceful, quiet night.
Hansol jabbed his elbow into Kidoh's side, and snickered when the rapper gave him a stretched, rather pitiful "owwwwww" in response. The dancer just scooted closer to Kidoh on the couch and pointed.
"Listen," he told Kidoh, who reluctantly pried open his eyes and directed them at the screen, blinking several times to clear his chocolate brown vision.
"...Seoul, for the next five nights, will be reseiving a rare meteor shower! That's right folks, if the sky is clear enough at night, you might be lucky enough to see a shooting star! So keep your eyes peeled this week, because a meteor shower in winter is amazingly rare! Well, it must be the Christmas spirit sure enough..."
The reporter's voice faded again as Hansol stuck his face in Kidoh's, childish joy lighting his eyes. Kidoh really couldn't focus with the dancer's nose stuck in his face and his breath whispering down his neck. But that wasn't necessarily a bad thing.
Hansol seemed to be waiting for something. "So?" Kidoh finally whispered, all too aware of his heart beating, beating, beating.
"So?" Hansol asked back, a smile once again spreading across his face. Kidoh started to form a thought along the lines of Hansol's beautiful smile and how it really lit up his eyes in the most attractive way possible, but he buried it as soon as it rose. No. No, Kidoh, he thought to himself. No, you don't want this. He had convinced himself of this very thought months ago.
So why did his heart seem to think differently?
Hansol's next words snapped Kidoh back to the present. "Let's go catch us a shooting star," Hansol whispered, his eyes glittering as brightly as a lamplight, filled to the brim with a spirit not unlike that of an untamed eagle.
*
Sangdo stared at them. "Why?" He asked, as if they had announced they had decided to give up their idol careers and would instead shovel elephant mature for the remainder of their lives.
Kidoh really didn't know why, except Hansol had said they would so they are. But the rapper knows what kind of reaction that answer would give him, so he kept his mouth shut, and let Hansol answer that.
"Because," Hansol replied with an all-knowing tone, "there might be meteors tonight. The snow cleared up after all." Sangdo just blinked.
"Might," he emphasized, but then, when Hansol just stared back at him, he rolled his eyes and turned away, shaking his head. The rest of the members had mostly faded into their beds, but of course in a dorm of 13, one will always be awake, and they'll always be everywhere.
Hansol shrugged and went back to zipping up his coat, choosing black boots and gloves as he rifled through the closet.
"Here," he said suddenly, his voice loud in the silence, the darkness, of both the outside world and the dorm itself. He pulled out a scarf and busied himself with winding it around Kidoh's neck, seemingly obvious to the other's slowly ripening cheeks. "There." He tucked the end of the scarf into the coil. "Good? Good."
Kidoh just nodded, and reached out to unlock the door. But, before he reached the metal, Hansol's voice stopped him. "Wait, Hyo." Kidoh was spun around and held in place by his shoulders. The dancer's eyes caught the light, so they moved and twisted and winked, a whole other universe. Kidoh struggled to keep an expression of upmost horror off his face.
A devilish grin on his face, Hansol puckered his lips. "Kiss for good luck?" Now, this was the Hansol the rapper was used to. Kidoh pushed the younger off with a roll of his eyes, and busied himself with cracking open the door, ignoring Hansol's evil chuckles and how overly cute they were.
The air, even if it wasn't technically winter, sure felt like it, hanging like a blanket over this corner of the world, trapping the frost so all it could do was multiply, and multiply. And multiply some more. That's how cold it was.
The two splayed out in the snow, face tilted towards the sky, the courtyard filled with silence that wasn't the least bit awkward. Hansol was quiet, his breaths billowing out in white like a train's trail the only sound, and Kidoh shifted in the snow, feeling the crunch of the new flakes on his side. He was happy. He was cold, but he was happy.
The dark span was clear of clouds, and a waxing crescent hung in the night, but as the minutes trickled by, and ears grew red with cold, there was still no shooting stars. Sometimes Kidoh would think he saw one, and would turn his head so fast he thought his neck would cramp, but it would alway just be a regular 'ole star, winking at him, teasing the two young idols.
After an hour, maybe two, of nothing but clear skies, Kidoh was losing hope, and losing body heat besides. Just as he was contemplating getting up, a giant snowball hit him. Right. In. The. Face.
As soon as the rapper could register the cold, he was already on his feet, half-laughing as he shook the snow from his iced skin. Hansol was standing the snow ahead, looking so beautiful with the moon's light, so graceful, and so much like an angel, that Kidoh's breath caught in his throat, and he couldn't move an inch.
But when Hansol grinned that elvish smile and tossed a snowball in his hand, up and down, Kidoh snapped out of it, reached down, scooped up a handful of the icy winterland, and lobbed it at the dancer. The other was clearly unprepared, for the throw caught him straight in the neck. The dancer yelled in indignation.
"Hyo, you did not just do that!"
And there began a snowball fight that lasted until both couldn't stand their shivering any longer, and went inside to share a cup of microwave hot coco, still laughing breathlessly with that kind of aliveness, that happiness, that only comes with friends and a freezing night and a cup of warm chocolate in the quiet darkness.
That night, they didn't see a meteor. No, they weren't even close. But something happened, something that could only be a stepping stone to things to come.
Four nights left.
***
Hansol pressed his face to the glass. Outside, the world was dark, night drawing the light away, but it wasn't completely unlit: Every minute a great crack of white lightening would tear the sky in half and illuminate the world for a split second, before plunging the night back into darkness that was only more clotting with the contrast of the spiking electricity.
"Wow," he breathed as another claw zigzagged down the sky, before vanishing a split second before the light was drawn in again.
"It's lightening. Not that amazing," Seogoong tossed over his shoulder as he shuffled past. Hansol, not to be put down, just stuck his tongue at the vocalist and turned back to the wide window, just as the responding clap of thunder billowed the mighty breath.
Hansol, Kidoh thought idly, was one to be impressed with the little things, things that we stop wondering at when we reach double digits. He's not bothered with logic; he sees something, and marvels at the beauty, or the impossibleness of something that, with a little science, is quite possible. That's so rare, so simple, that trait of making something gorgeous out of barely anything. And there it was, enclosed in a dancer, younger than him, but so playful and so amazed and so alive, right in front of Kidoh's eyes.
And who was he? Just another rapper, just another non-special person in a world of billions. Just another.
Hansol's breath fogged that glass as he peered out into the night. As Kidoh watched from his place at the kitchen bar, his awe was suddenly struck through with a bolt of poutiness. Kidoh couldn't resist.
"What?"
Hansol turned from the window, eyes big and sad, even as they sparkled with every clap of thunder's hands and every flash of light. "We won't be able to see the meteors tonight." Kidoh, having not thought of this before, felt his own lips turn down at the corners. Not that he was upset with the decrease in hours out in the cold, but more with the absence of time with Hansol, and Hansol alone.
Hansol sighed, and plopped down in the chair next to Kidoh. B-Joo shuffled past them to the kitchen, rummaged through the fridge, and finally pulled out an apple and wandered away before the pair said another world, not even sparing a glance at them. Hansol traced a path on the granite with a finger.
"Hey Hyo?"
"Yeah?" He him, that impish smile spreading just a little.
"You wanna bake cookies?"
*
And so the next two hours were filled with chocolate chips and flour fights rather than staring at the sky, wishing to see a chance to give a wish. Outside, the thunder rattled and lightening continued striking down on the earth, but inside, it was warm and bright and the festive Christmas spirit was in the air.
The final result was a batch of cookies that Seogoong judged as "better than I thought they'd be." and from him, that was good. Really good.
No meteors tonight, but time spent in the shape of tan disks of dough and chocolate.
Three nights left.
***
You know it's been a tiring day when even Yano collapses out of sheer exhaustion. You know it's been a long day when even Jenissi's snores can't wake the dead, or most specifically Hojoon. And you, or at least Kidoh, know it's been a horrifying busy day when even Hansol's eyes lose just a bit, just a tiny edge, of aliveness.
But the pair had missed out on one day out of five of the meteor shower, and Hansol was determined to not miss another. The days were rapidly trickling away, Christmas Eve falling on the last day of the meteors, and two had already come and gone.
So when the clock ticked 10:30, Hansol burst into Kidoh's room, ignored the narrowed eyes of the rapper's roommates, and dragged him out of his warm, perfectly comfortable bed still half asleep. But Kidoh woke up soon enough, with Hansol's warm, suprisingly soft hand on his wrist, and managed to blink away the sleep and climb into suitable winter clothes. P-Goon was sitting in the living room, dark circles carving smoky ovules under his eyes as a pen tapped rapidly against the table top.
"You two going out?" He asked, voice thick with exhaustion. Kidoh nodded, and Hansol spoke.
"Meteor shower."
P-Goon gave a nod, but tossed out a couple more words. "You can try, but I think it'll too cloudy to see even the moon for the night."
He went back to his desk.
Hansol sighed gustily, but went out all the same, Kidoh right on his heels, hoping the leader was wrong.
Nope. Leader's always right. Long strands of clouds, thin but thick, were roped across the sky, in dark grey. The clouds covered the sky entirely with the shadows, and only a slightly lighter grey signified the existance of the moon. The snow wasn't falling, but it was all the same to the two young idols, standing with hands in their pockets, chins tilted up, eyes searching the fringes of the sky as if to see an opening in the woven quilt. None.
Hansol pouted. "None I guess, today." He looked so sad that Kidoh couldn't help himself; he wrapped his arms around the youngers chest from the back. Hansol was so warm compared to the attacking army of winter, with knights of suspended frost and brittle wind. The dancer leaned back into the older, almost melting, and Kidoh rested his chin on his shoulder. He really hoped that Hansol couldn't feel his heart, and how rapidly it was beating at the other's touch.
Kidoh knew his one-sided love was doomed to fail, but it was of course doomed from the start. But it was something, at least, to be close to Hansol, even if it wasn't as close he wished they were, deep inside. But Kidoh has to accept it, and he may not be able to move on, he's at least able to be content with what he had. It was better than nothing.
The two might have stayed their forever, locked, eyes on the unyielding sky, but all too soon the cold was too much to bear, and they retreated, hands empty, once again. Every so often, that sleepless night, Kidoh would peek out the window, to see if the clouds had cleared. But they never did, and only when the sun began to rise did they finally submit and flee the horizon. But it was too late: The night was already over.
Two nights left.
***
Hansol had left that afternoon. A schedule, an opportunity to promote Topp Dogg in cities far to the west of Korea. His absence, along with four others in the group, had left Kidoh depressed. And it wasn't that he missed Hansol, because he did. It was that the trip would extend until Christmas morning.
And by then?
By then the meteors would have already disappeared from the sky, and their chance would be lost. Kidoh didn't know why, but now this meant as much to him as it had to Hansol. He wanted to see that shooting star, that lucky meteor, with Hansol. But now the dancer was halfway across the country, and all Kidoh could do was wish he was here, in the dorm, popping up at 10:30 sharp to drag Kidoh out into the winter's night.
So, instead of waiting for a motivater to bundle him up and push him out the door, he motivated himself. Kidoh told himself that if he say a shooting star tonight, it would be theirs. His and Hansol's. Hansol would get a wish, just a wish that was a little late, because he deserved it.
So when, finally, all the members had collected in their respective rooms, Kidoh slowly inched out of his bed and tiptoed to the room's door, squeezing his eyes shut when his foot ignited a creak in the floor. But he made it out to the living room without detection. From here, it would be easier.
Kidoh, suddenly feeling so very alone, pulled on a jacket and fingerless gloves in the dark, trusting his memory to see for his eyes. He pressed the cold key into his gloved palm outside, feeling the usual sharp sting of winter as he shut the door with a click behind him.
Outside, the wind was picking up the thin layer of new snow and tossing it around, playing with the flakes like a energetic toddler with a new toy. But the moon, no matter how thin it was, was shining strong in the sky, and all around it, a carpet of stars, glittering.
Kidoh crunched his way through the white to the bench and sat, but it felt too big without another. He sat there, rubbing his frozen fingers together, blowing on them as he raised his eyes to the sky, trying to soar in as much of the wide mass of black so he wouldn't miss a thing.
Bt, even if he kept a single slice of the sky in his vision, he wouldn't have missed thing. Because that night, there was still nothing. Not a speck, not a faint outline.
Nothing.
After an hour and a half, Kidoh finally gave up. He was tired, he was cold, and he missed Hansol so much. Maybe Hansol was his lucky charm. Maybe the shooting star won't show itself without Hansol, glowing with energy and hope and brilliance. Maybe Hansol was happy, without Kidoh.
That night was another sleepless night, for the young rapper with a tear in his heart, formed with the realization that maybe Kidoh didn't mean as much to Hansol as Hansol himself meant to him. By the morning, he had convinced himself that that was true, and set about his day like a robot.
One night left.
***
It was Christmas Eve.
Kidoh had always loved Christmas. He liked the smell of cinnamon and gingerbread and that sharp spice, and the lavish morning breakfasts. He loved the snow, the presents; both giving and getting. He liked the family gatherings, and he especially loved the tree, draped with sparkles and lights, green and crisp, bringing the scent of the outdoors in.
But this Christmas, he wasn't as excited for as he used to be. Maybe it was that he would be spending it with Topp Dogg instead of his family, but he didn't think that was it. Topp Dogg was his family, after all, just one not bonded by blood. Maybe it was that the whole group couldn't be here for Christmas Eve, which was a night that was almost as good as the morning ahead. Maybe it was Hansol, gone across the country.
Yeah.
Yeah, that was it.
*
That night, it was later than usual when Kidoh once again zipped up his puffy coat, grabbed gloves and a cap, and unlocked the door. By the clock on the oven, it was a little after 11 o'clock. A little more than 45 minutes until the clock strikes midnight. A little more than 45 minutes until it's Christmas once again.
Kidoh shuffled out, alone, but tonight, he felt more alone than yesterday night. There was something about Christmas Eve, and family that always clicked with him. He had always been surrounded by people on the holiday, but now, he was all alone.
He was just a boy, sitting on a bench as snow gently swirled down, light enough that the sky is still clear. He was just a boy, loving another boy that would never love him back. He was just a boy, just another with his heart missing something on Christmas Eve:
Which, anyone can tell you, is a toss-up. It's either really good, or really bad. Kidoh had only experienced good before this night. This was the first Christmas when he truly thought it would be a bad one.
But let me give you a hint: It's not. No, I believe this will turn out to be the best Christmas of Kidoh's life thus far.
*
It was precisely six minutes before midnight when Kidoh, eyes closed, knees hugged to his chest, arms wrapped around his legs, head nodding off into his knees, felt arms encircle him from behind, and hot breath, accompanied by breathy, joyful, if slightly relieved, laughter. He jolted awake from his half-asleep slumber, and he knew who it was immediately. No one laughed quite like Hansol. He turned, to be greeted with the face of Hansol; his nose and ear tips were red, his smile stretching form ear to ear, and Kidoh had never seen his eyes, his eyes that are always so free, look so alive, so sparkly. The rapper felt this swelling, this warmth in his heart.
He started laughing too, as Hansol slid onto the bench next to him, and, unexpectedly, hugged him. Burying his head in the orders, Hansol whispered words that, although slightly muffled by Kidoh's jacket, where what Kidoh would remember for a long time, and something that set his heart aflame.
"I missed you so much." Kidoh hugged him back, knowing his face was bright red now, but it was dark enough to hide it, so he didn't care.
"I missed you too," Kidoh whispered back, and the snow swirled around them, in tiny flakes, that are never truly the same. All different, every single one.
Hansol was the one who finally broke the embrace. "Have you seen a star?" Kidoh only shook his head, but Hansol just grinned. Devilishly.
"You know, I've heard a kiss is great luck..." Kidoh only raised an eyebrow. And then he looked closer. Hansol looked so vulnerable, so delicate tonight. He was so beautiful, he saw beauty in things that others did not, he saw beauty in the world that was falling, falling apart. But he was so young. He was only human. Kidoh was only human, and so was he. And humans, after all, make mistakes. They try to jump the crack, and they throw the dice, and they take the leap.
And this night, minutes before Christmas, with the snow falling just enough, with the cold just bitter enough, with the snow just soft enough, Kidoh wanted to take the leap. He didn't care what would happen.
The rapper, so afraid before, leaned forward, and kissed Hansol on the lips. The dancer made a noise of suprise, but after a second where Kidoh felt a stab of fear through his new-found courage, he responded, kissing the rapper back.
Kidoh was the first to pull back, cheeks flaming to a whole new level. Even in the dark, he saw Hansol's smile, and he couldn't seem to meet the dancer in the eyes. He found he couldn't speak, only clear his throat in the most awkward manner.
"Hyo..." Kidoh prepared himself for the worst. Even though Hansol had technically just kissed him back. "It took you long enough."
"What?" He was finally able to drag his eyes off the ground to meet Hansol's sparkling ones.
"Like, seriously. Months? Come on." Kidoh snickered.
"Well, if you're so brave why didn't you?"
Hansol grinned. "Because I'm younger. Obviously, the older one has to confess first. Speaking of which, I actually didn't hear your confession."
Silence.
"Um. I kinda like you. A lot," Kidoh finally whispered, and looked up through his lashes at Hansol. Hansol's eyes came alive.
"I like you too."
*
Just as the minutes were counting down until Christmas, Hansol gasped. "Hyo! Look!" Kidoh followed his pointing finger, and grinned even wider, if that was even possible. A shooting star, a twinkle, streaking across the sky, with a tail as big as a kite, in silver-white. It was the most impossible, wonderful thing that Kidoh had seen.
"Make a wish," Hansol whispered, but Kidoh didn't want to wish anything, now. He had everything he wanted.
The clock ticked once, and simultaneously, shifted, from one day, to the next.
It was Christmas, and Kidoh couldn't imagine a better one.
A/N: I know this is pretty bad but I'm more of an angst writer so the next chapter will be angst
Yay! First one! It got kinda clique at the ending but... I hope you liked it!
Christmas!
Comment what you think:)
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