He found Baekhyun humming by himself under the stars in the balcony. They aren’t home because all of them voted to stay in the SM building for the night. They have an early schedule tomorrow and Chanyeol complained that they wouldn’t even have the energy to get up from their beds if they were to go home. Sehun’s agreement settled the vote, basically.

“It’s so dark, even with the stars,” Baekhyun whispers and Jongin takes it as a sign that Baekhyun heard of his arrival. He steps forward and joins the brooding male. His hair is in a worse condition than a few days ago. The hairstylists decided to try something new but all Jongin sees is Baekhyun’s pain. He heard Baekhyun’s cry when they accidentally used too much bleach on his scalp. It’s not something Jongin can forget. He thanks heavens that he has not fallen victim to their fancy hair moods. Sehun, on the other hand, has gotten the worse end of the stick. Jongin would catch the boy stare at his reflection in horror sometimes…or a deadpanned face, as if he has resigned to accept the worst every time he is pulled to the small salon area in the building. Sehun would also stare at the pile of hair that falls out sometimes, and the bunch clenched in his fist. Jongin feels an irrational surge of anger and defiance every time he recalls the scene.

But Baekhyun…Jongin doesn’t want anyone to touch this beautiful boy’s hair. He wishes they would stop because he can see the pain through Baekhyun’s dulled eyes.

“Hyung?”

“Hey Jongin. Didn’t know you also take walks at night. Are the rest asleep?”

“Nope. Mama’s trying to get them to sleep though,” Jongin reports, referring to Suho as Mama because its what they call him outside of stage anyway. Baekhyun chuckles.

“Hyung?” Jongin repeats. The silence of the night is eerie yet somehow…necessary. It lets them feel peaceful. It lets them feel normal, when they are not rushed to train or having their ears deafened by the sound of screaming fans. It frees them from the haunting sound of clattering make-up tools or coordi noonas ushering all twelve of them out the stage.

“Yeah?” Baekhyun’s voice is soft yet sharp. Jongin is starting to appreciate the silence even more because he can hear Baekhyun’s voice in its purest state.

“You said you would tell me.”

“Oh…that.”

“What is it, hyung?” Jongin couldn’t help it. He is curious.

Baekhyun takes a deep breath and Jongin realizes if he looks deep past the boy’s stony-faced façade, he can see a small window of worry…worry and pain. Pain and sorrow. Sorrow and exhaustion.

“My voice…it’s cracking, Jongin. It’s breaking,” Baekhyun says. His face is inscrutable, once again, under the moonlight and Jongin agrees with him. It’s too dark, even with the stars around.

“What do you mean? Voices crack all the time, hyung. Kyungsoo had that mishap on stage last time, remember? But it was okay. They all said it was okay,” Jongin finds words overflowing out of him, trying hard to believe in what he’s saying.  

“No, I mean…I don’t know. But my throat hurts…I can’t…I can’t sing, Jongin. I can’t reach the notes. Not high, not low, none…Kyungsoo thinks something is off too but he can’t…he doesn’t know what’s wrong…” Baekhyun turns to Jongin with glassy eyes and trembling lips. He is older but shorter. Jongin winces and he is numbed. He wonders if him being robbed of all emotions is because he refuses to accept Baekhyun’s words.

Jongin couldn’t take it. He closes the distance between them and pulls a sobbing Baekhyun to his chest. He feels the tremors from the boy’s body overtake him each time he tries to breath and calm himself down. He fails. Jongin starts rubbing his back gently, not speaking a word. Jongin can understand why. Their new song…It’s asking a lot from Baekhyun. Baekhyun is good. He is amazing, but there are still things that are out of his limit. And Jongin would understand about limits more than anyone else. The sharp pain in his waist in a strong reminder.

“It…It’s going to get better, hyung. Don’t worry. It’s going to be over soon. You just need rest. That’s all. I know it’s nothing big. Don’t worry. You will… You can still sing, hyung,” Jongin tries to console Baekhyun, who has finally calmed down. Jongin tries to sound as optimistic as he can but he would have cried for Baekhyun if the other boy hasn’t already.

“How? How is it going to get better? What good am I if I can’t sing?” Baekhyun chokes out and Jongin squeezes Baekhyun in their embrace. Baekhyun’s arms are around Jongin’s waist, in the most natural manner. And Jongin would have been ecstatic if the circumstances were different.

“It will. Hyung, that will never happen. You…you are amazing with and without your singing,” Jongin says sincerely and with much more certainty this time, because this, he is definitely confident about.

“Jongin-ah...thank you. You always make me feel better. It should be the other way around,” Baekhyun chuckles dryly, sounding a little shaky. Jongin shakes his head and laughs.

“Why should it?”

Baekhyun releases his hold on Jongin and it leaves Jongin feeling bare and empty, stripped and bare in the night even though he is fully clothed and warm. He doesn’t want Baekhyun to go away just yet but he makes no move to stop him.

“Because I’m your hyung,” Baekhyun points out as if it’s the most obvious fact in the world.

“Ah. Well, I like making people smile. Especially you. You need to smile more often for me, hyung,” Jongin says, gazing out at the stretch of land beyond the horizon, where the sky fades away and the stars disappear.

“Why me?” Baekhyun blurts out, puzzled. Jongin wants to smack his head against the metal railing that is he leaning on for being careless with his words. This…this crush is meant to be kept in his mind and only his mind.

“Um…you’re special. That’s why. Yeah, you’re a special bacon, aren’t you?” Jongin jokes and he gives off a feeble chuckle. Baekhyun whips his head and stares at Jongin with his warm brown, knowing eyes that penetrate Jongin’s.

“That’s it?” Baekhyun raises his eyebrow and inches a little closer to Jongin, tempting Jongin to wrap him in another hug.

And in a split second of naiveté, everything is ruined.

“I like you,” Jongin states, avoiding Baekhyun’s eyes and opting for the skies instead. The tiny starts will have to do for now. Although they will never match Baekhyun’s eyes in beauty. Jongin recalls the times he spent trying to count the stars just to get his mind off Baekhyun, but instead he finds himself counting them to see just how many stars he would give to Baekhyun if he could. He lets himself falls asleep to that. He likes to think he falls asleep with a smile, not with tears because how is Jongin ever going to be able to get enough stars for Baekhyun? Baekhyun deserves endless amount. Baekhyun is infinity.

Baekhyun remains silent and Jongin remembers all the times he does the same thing. He is always one to wait for Jongin to look to his face before answering. Jongin wonders why.

“I…I don’t think…I don’t think I’m gay, Jongin,” Baekhyun says, carefully calculating his words as if he is treading on very thin ice.

Jongin doesn’t know why he isn’t as heartbroken as he is about the fact that Baekhyun didn’t say anything about reciprocating his feelings. His gender preference…is a small thing, Jongin thinks. Anyone can like anyone. It isn’t set in the rules that if someone likes the opposite gender…that this would apply for the rest of their lives. Jongin knows this.

“Hyung, that doesn’t mean you can’t…like me. I’m not saying you should or anything but, I think if you like someone, then his or her gender or your preference hardly matters. I’m sorry if you don’t understand,” Jongin’s words rush out of his lips. Baekhyun looks conflicted. He seems torn, but Jongin cannot figure out why. Isn’t it easy? The only question is: does Baekhyun like him back? Anything else hardly matters.

Jongin has been expecting his next answer. Months of watching him and picturing scenarios that will never happen in his head with Baekhyun were practices for him. For the real thing.

Yet Jongin would be lying if he said it didn’t hit him hard in the gut and heart. A dead pit of feeling settles itself in Jongin when Baekhyun shakes his head. His words gets caught up in  his throat. He wants to cry. He wants to throw a fit and maybe then Baekhyun would understand just how much Jongin likes him. Love. Love even….

“I…I’m really sorry, Jongin. I don’t think-”

“It’s okay. Goodnight, hyung,” Jongin cuts him off and walks away, leaving the other boy to drown in his guilt. He doesn’t let Baekhyun see the tear that slips out and makes its way down Jongin’s cheek. Jongin doesn’t think he can take it if Baekhyun tries to make Jongin feels better. It’s rude to interrupt people, but Jongin thinks he will be forgiven this time. He spends the next hour in the corner of the dance practice room, staring at a spot for no apparent reason.

Or maybe for a single reason. His pathetic, broken heart. 

***

As much as they try to be natural around each other, it isn’t the same. Jongin can feel the tension in Baekhyun’s wary eyes each time Jongin comes near. He feels unwanted. He feels like an outcast in Baekhyun’s world and he hates this.

So Jongin refuses to go near Baekhyun. If his friends have noticed, they must have kept quiet about it because nothing of this was mentioned. They ignore the awkward exchange of looks between Jongin and Baekhyun everytime they are forced to converse. Jongin stops walking out of the building together with Baekhyun. He stops poking fun at him. Their relationship hits rock bottom and Jongin pretends he doesn’t care at all.

Mama knows. Mama cares. Because before their journey to Thailand, Suho has pulled Jongin aside without the others knowing and spoke to him in a low whisper.

“Did you confess to Baekhyun?”

“Huh?”

“Jongin-ah, I can see it. I’m not blind,” he chuckles and Jongin blushes furiously. Was he that obvious?

“I did. And it didn’t go well,” Jongin admits and he looks down on the white, polished tiles. Suho pats him on the shoulder and Jongin is forced to look up.

“I can see that. You guys didn’t talk for weeks…I understand that it’s probably awkward right now but…I want you guys to be happy again with each other. I don’t want anyone in EXO to be strangers with each other so…as your leader, I hereby assign you your mission that is to sit next to Baekhyun during our flight later,” he beams and Jongin splutters.

“Y-You can’t do that.”

“You must. You know you don’t like it like this too, Jongin,” Suho muses and smiles gently when he sees Jongin reluctantly giving in. Jongin sighs.

“I’ll see you later,” he starts walking away and Jongin feels like throwing his guts out as he thinks about what is going to happen in just a few hours.

Jongin can take on a free style dance anytime on stage. But talking to Baekhyun is so much harder than that. Jongin is not ready. Baekhyun’s smile flashes in his mind. He feels his chest constricts and the air seems to be impossibly thick. Jongin doesn’t think he will ever be ready.

***

“Hyung? Can I join you?” Jongin’s voice breaks a little and he clears his throat as he points to the empty seat next to Baekhyun. Suho must have told Chanyeol and Sehun to clear the seat for him because it is strange to see Baekhyun sitting alone. Sehun likes to use Baekhyun’s shoulder as his pillow and Chanyeol loves Baekhyun’s company. Jongin…Jongin really doesn’t want to sit next to Baekhyun at the moment.

“Sure,” Baekhyun nods and smiles. He takes his bag off the seat and Jongin sidles into the hard cushioned seat. Baekhyun continues to stare out the window, watching the other planes take off.

“Do you like airplanes?” Jongin finds himself asking. It hits him hard like a slap on his face. He misses talking to Baekhyun. He misses his presence. He misses everything about Baekhyun. And he secretly thanks Suho for suggesting this idea.

Baekhyun pries his eyes off the window and blinks at Jongin.

“Um, not really. They’re okay, I guess. Do you?”

“I want to fly a plane.”

“You should do it. You’d be pretty good. I’ve seen you fly a plane in games,” Baekhyun nods encouragingly and Jongin breaks into an easy laugh.

“That’s a game, hyung. It isn’t the same.”

Baekhyun scoffs and rolls his eyes. Jongin feels like he can cry happy tears because for a moment there, its like things are back to normal. Like nothing ever happened between them.

“The games are just like aptitude tests. I think you would make a great pilot,” Baekhyun shrugs and Jongin couldn’t stop the huge smile that is plastered on his face.

“You would make a good doll, hyung,” Jongin says in a serious voice.

“W-What?” Baekhyun almost shouts with incredulity.

“Well…you look really good with eyeliner so…it’s like me with flying games. You would make a good doll then, right?” Jongin asks and Baekhyun stares at Jongin for a while, apparently star-struck over his answer. Then magically…as if bound by some invisible empathy bond, they burst out laughing together at the same exact instant. Jongin feels like there are only the both of them in the world then. Like the world stopped moving but they are the only ones unfrozen and free. They could have done anything together… His heart swells and he feels warmed. Jongin misses watching Baekhyun laugh. He misses the way the corners of his eyes would crinkle and they would form perfect crescent shapes. His lips would always turn up at the ends before he breaks into the laugh. Jongin knows this like the back of his hand.

And Jongin didn’t regret asking Baekhyun about airplanes. For the rest of the journey, they talked. It wasn’t like they were gone out of each other’s lives for weeks but it felt like it. Baekhyun was listening to Jongin ranting about the new dancing shoes when his head starts drooping. Seeing Baekhyun about to doze off, Jongin stops talking. Baekhyun blinks sleepily at him, reminding Jongin of a lost puppy. He chuckles and without thinking, he puts his hand on Baekhyun’s cheek and give it a slight push so that his head is resting on Jongin’s shoulder. Baekhyun’s even breathing that starts right after that tells Jongin his lost puppy is fast asleep already. Jongin grins to himself and leans his head on Baekhyun’s.

It feels like home; where they belong together like this.

***

Baekhyun wakes up a little later and he feels a slight pressure on his head. He doesn’t have to look up or move to know that it’s Jongin. He lets everything sink in. He’s almost cuddling up close to Jongin and Baekhyun inhales deeply, reveling in the fact that he can smell Jongin’s cologne from their close distance. Baekhyun closes his eyes and smiles as he thinks.

He misses Jongin. He misses him badly. But Baekhyun isn’t good with emotions at all. It might be an advantage since it wouldn’t show on his face that he misses Jongin but then again…Jongin would never know. And Baekhyun wants Jongin to know.

He wants Jongin to know that maybe he regrets the words he said that night. That maybe he wants to take them back. That maybe…just maybe he harbours a crush on Jongin too. The tall, tanned male that has always given Baekhyun goosebumps with every touch. Baekhyun didn’t understand why but he thinks he does. It’s funny. They have sat next to each other too many times to be counted but Baekhyun finds this time to be…illuminating.

Jongin stirs and almost moves away from Baekhyun to face the other side of the seat. Baekhyun is alarmed and he starts tugging Jongin’s shirt so that he comes back to their original position. Baekhyun can almost see the smile forming on Jongin’s lips again and Baekhyun snuggles closer to Jongin.

It feels like home; where they belong together like this.

***

Jongin sits alone on their flight back. Chanyeol has stuck to Baekhyun this time and claimed the seat next to him. Suho gave Jongin a look that he can’t decipher but Jongin gives up. He is too tired to care. Their show just ended hours ago and they are on their way back home. Jongin starts resting his eyes.

He recalls how he started walking close to Baekhyun in the airport just earlier that day. They poked fun at each other and when an insistent fan went too close to Baekhyun for comfort and invaded his personal space, Baekhyun clung onto Jongin for protection. He hid behind his taller body and Jongin couldn’t help but smile at this. Baekhyun didn’t shy away from their interactions. If anything…Jongin thinks Baekhyun seemed even clingier than before.

“What are you smiling about?” A familiar angelic voice breaks Jongin out of his blissful moment of peace but he is overjoyed when he opens his eyes. None other than Byun Baekhyun stands before him, his judging gaze not matching the give-away twitch of his mouth.

“Go away,” Jongin says jokingly and turns over to the other side.

“Can I sit here?” Baekhyun asks and Jongin might have done a double take in his mind. Is this his mind playing horrible, cruel tricks on him? Or is this confirming his earlier theory about Baekhyun’s clingy state?

Jongin nods and watches Baekhyun quickly slide next to him, grinning at him.

“What are you smiling about?” Jongin demands from Baekhyun and they break into a synchronized laugh together.

“Where’s Chanyeol?” Jongin asks once they have had enough breaths of air to quiet down a little.

“Watching something like a horror movie,” Baekhyun makes a face.

“That sounds fun. You should have joined him,” Jongin teases.

“Me and horror movie? No way. No. No,” Baekhyun shakes his head vigorously and Jongin laughs again.

“Is that why you’re here? I am just an escape route? I’m hurt,” Jongin clutches his heart and pouts but Baekhyun’s cheeks starts showing faint pink tints.

“No. Um…”

“What is it? Spill, hyung,” Jongin says in an ordering manner. Baekhyun clamps his mouth shut like he isn’t about to talk for another thousand years or so. Jongin pouts and Baekhyun rolls his eyes, heaving a sigh.

“I think…I think I’m gay,” Baekhyun whispers, his eyes wide and nervous. He picks on a loose thread on his sweater incessantly, avoiding Jongin’s eyes.

Jongin gapes and stares at him, not knowing what to think or say.

“Or bi…or whatever…but um…I think I …like you too. Wait, no, I mean I know I like you,” Baekhyun bites the bottom of his lips and looks away from Jongin, who is still stuck in a whirlwind of emotion to know how to react.

“Jongin-ah? I’m sorry, am I too late? I just…I guess I just realized I missed you more than I should if I didn’t like you. And…I really like cuddling with you,” Baekhyun admits bashfully and that did it.

Jongin gives Baekhyun a peck on his cheek and Baekhyun freezes, shocked. Jongin waits for his reaction nervously. After what must have been a span of eternity, Baekhyun breaks into a happy smile. He leans on Jongin’s shoulder and his hand makes its way to Jongin’s bigger ones, intertwining. He remembers the way they felt on his skin, how they bring life to him.

And they remain intertwined even when they walk out of the airport, walking together and proudly so, with grins on their faces as they wave to a furiously blushing brunnette girl, dressed in oversized grey shirt with a cap on, who squealed and screamed ‘Kaibaek’ to greet them.  

A/N: New readerssss, what do you think? Hehehe :3