I've been thinking how I became to know you. At first it was just a glance every now and then but now..I need to see you all the time, I couldn't look away because I was scared you won't be there anymore. You can't even believe how much I would do for you, how much I would love you. But you're not here with me. Who am I trying to cheat, you don't even know my name. Can you imagine it? All these long years I've wanted to talk and get close to you. For nothing. I'm sure you didn't know about my existence, that I was there all the time, waiting. I know you can't win someones heart by watching them from a far and hoping they will notice you someday. No, I don't believe in fairytales and happy endings. They are most of the time too good to be true and getting one by yourself is too much to ask. 

One day I saw you were looking so happy. Later I found out that it was because of him. But I do not want to talk about it right now, I prefer to forget that small thing that you got a boyfriend. The worse thing was that it wasn't me. Well... Now everyone thinks I'm somekind of stalker..no definetely not. I'm just an admirer.  I didn't want anything bad for you if you would think I wanted to harm you. I just didn't know what to do anymore. I guess I needed someone but all I truthfully wanted was you. You would have made my life worth of living, made it someway special. How I can know that without even talking to you? Yeah..good question because I don't know. I must be somewhat stupid to think that our life would be perfect if you just could love me. I'm sure I would destroy everything...I did it anyway. Maybe it's better you didn't get to know me at all. Because I would have sunk you into empty sadness with me. You were so fragile that you did it without me.

You kept coming back to my life or should I say to the same grocery shop were we met at the first time..or I saw you. Once I thought you looked me and said hi but it was a false alarm, it was your neighbour I think. Exactly..it was someone else, not me. It's always been someone else than me who is by your side, telling how you have so much to see and you shouldn't quit. Yeah I watched you and your classmate. I can't remember his name but he's that noisy guy anyway. And he tried to cheer you up, but you didn't smile? Why didn't you smile when you had friends who cared about you. I have no friends like that so it made me think why you were sad. Then little birds told me that your boyfriend...he cheated you, actually all that time you were together. Himchan that's his name, right? I felt bad for you from a far. Of course I couldn't do anything about it at first, I'm sorry about that.

But I saw how you suffered and then you were gone. I waited quite long time without seeing you but I got tired of waiting, just waiting death to take me away from here. There was still things I wanted to know about you, why did you leave and where? I wished you would come back. I even asked from your friend did he know where you are. I lied to him that I saw you drop your keys and I would like to give them back now. He just said I should off and leave him alone. I did that. But I'm still here thinking, where you are tonight, maybe abroad living the time of your life?

A part of me always thought you would never leave but then everything just changed and I was left alone without knowing what you were doing and there's no chance to ask from anyone. I didn't know these people in this town. I should have move on without you because now you're gone forever. You have missed all the things I've done here. You could tell me every single thing and I would take them as mine. I'm already full of memories that went wrong. I would take yours as well. Of course now it's too late.

I do regret that I fell so hard for you. I think I still love you but I do keep changing the truth. I want to think you with an eternal smile and your eyes full of life. But honestly before you left those both were dead. You didn't smile and your eyes were emotionless. You looked like a bad painting that didn't spring to life after it's done. People often say it's the important thing in paintings. You were like a bad coffee for me, at first it's warm but when you wait too long it turns cold and bitter. Were you bitter for him and what he did to you? I hope you didn't. Bitterness is the key of sadness, you will never forget those kind of memories. 

I don't know would you like to know this...but I saw your best friend (that noisy kid) and Himchan together a while ago. I have nothing to say about that anymore. What would you think about it? Would you be mad? I saw how you got easily angry but you were still cute in my eyes. Maybe because it wasn't me who deserved your yelling. Maybe I wanted  the  happy side of you and leave the sad for someone else? That bad side probably thought just Himchan, how he treated you and how you could get your revenge. So I wanted to get rid of that side and after that you could fully love me. But I didn't go as planned. My part went smootly but..you kind of destroyed it. I don't blame you, I didn't know you still loved him so much.

When you came to his funeral I realized what I had done. I thought it would help you to forget him, you know.. to know he is dead. You get your revenge but I think you didn't want that after all. You cried so much that day. I wached from the distance when you carried the coffin. The tears  didn't stop falling from your face when you needed to leave the graveyard. But would you think differently if you would know what he did with your best friend? I guess it would be chilidish to get mad at them when you weren't together anymore but he was still your best friend, right? I just wanted to help.

Himchan was easy going and talkative, within couple of hours I get to know him more than following you for years. He really liked to talk... I followed him one night and it was too easy to drug him. So no one cared when I took him away from there. You should never know how he died but maybe someone who examinated his corpse told you anyway..I don't know. Maybe the way I killed him made you to do that, maybe that fact you couldn't revenge him by yourself and someone else made him before you. I have no idea but your funeral was held five months after Himchan's.

I have never been caught but this pain makes me think again...should I tell I was behind this double-death. After all Himchan's death made you to do it. Jail is the place where I belong.

I did it all for you.
I'm sorry Youngjae
I need to face the mirror and get that you're not coming back.
You will never know about my life, how I tried so hard to be noticed by you
how sincerely I loved you.
I still do, but now

you're missing it.
            You're missing everything.
 

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I'm not sure if there's any sense in this because I just wrote what came to my mind and hoped to reach the end in some point. :D Haha definetely my way to write. Maybe someone liked. I have an obsession to kill my characters and I've done it in every completed ones..lol. I should stop!

Thank you for reading, I'll keep writing my killing fanfics in the future as well! :DD

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