Me: Girl  You: Boy

The story that you’ll never know.

I love how we met. I wonder if you remember that day…

The teacher had asked us to make teams; my team was lacking 2 members, so I asked you and your friend to be on my team. You were always quiet. I never really understood why, but every time you messaged my I felt happy.

We started small taking by messages; you normally asked if I would go to the next school activity. That made me feel special, like you actually cared if I went or not. Then I realized that I wasn’t the only one that you ask about the activities, but still I kept my little crush in secret.

One time you told me that you couldn’t go to an activity, because you had to read a book for literature class, I was sad that you couldn’t go to the museum activity. Then I had the most wonderful surprise, you did came to the activity, and I remember asking you “weren’t you going to read the literature book of 500 pages today”, and you said “I read it all last night, so that I could come today”. I actually thought that you read the whole book in one night to come and see me… but I was wrong… and I was too blind to see it back then.

Days kept passing by and the semester was almost over, I didn’t want it to end because it meant not seeing you. Then one of my closes friends told me that she had a crush on you, she told me “you don’t have a crush on him, or do you?” but I denied everything, I told her that I didn’t feel anything; I lie because I thought that I didn’t have a chance with you, but my friend did. Every time I saw her flirting with you my heart broke, but I was happy for my friend; after some time my friend lost interest in you, I was kind of relive but still had no progress with you.

The semester ended, but thanks to the very strict program that we are in, we had to come in for extra classes in July, and it wasn’t that bad, even if our classrooms were different, at the start and at the end of classes I would get to see you. It was supposed to be 1 week of extra classes for us, but it felt like more days… I will never forget that week… the 5^th of July to be exact.

That week… from July 1th to the 5^th… those days I thought that you actually felt something for me. You would constantly ask me “who is the person that captivates your attention?” or something like “I’ll get to the point, who do you like?” I wanted to tell you that it was you, but I wanted to do it in the right moment, so I planned it… on that week…

July 4^th. I had rehearsed what I was going to say many times, but still I had my nerves driving me crazy, even the thought of it right now makes my stomach do flips. One of my friends helped me, he brought you to a private place in school, there I would tell you how I felt; and so…I started, I don’t remember clearly but my dialogue was something like this “hey, I umm, I wanted to tell you something, you had asked me which person I liked, and well… I don’t know... I like you” I was going to say something else, but when I said the last words I  looked up, and I could see the look of your eyes on me; and in that moment I knew… you didn’t feel the same way. I tried to make thing ok by saying “but I don’t want to lose your friendship” and so you just said “uhm, ok.” You were cold, so cold, a cold hearted person, your indifference had actually hurt me, but I didn’t let it show. You gave me a hug, and then we just left.

The thing was that I actually felt happy after that, I felt so relieve that I had finally said that. I actually thought that it was time for me to move on, and I would still manage to be friends with you. I thought I could forget you… damn I was so wrong.

The next day the 5^th of July,  was the last day of extra school classes. I purposely arrived late to school so that I wouldn’t see you; the process of getting over you was on its way. On lunch time I was with some other friends, and then at the end of the day I quickly got out of school; on my way out I saw you, you were with your best friend, I just waved goodbye, since it would have been impolite not to. I was officially now on vacations, I just had to get to my house by taking the bus; while I was crossing the bridge to get to the bus I saw you, you had followed me from school, you actually ran to catch up to me. My heart skipped a beat and my thoughts where all over the place ‘what was he doing here?’ and ‘did he followed me all the way?’. You spoke and said “sorry, I’m sorry for acting the way I did yesterday, it’s just that… my friend likes you… he was actually going to tell you today”.

YOU BROKE ME, when you said that, I cried that night like you have no idea. I thought that you had actually come up to say that to me so that I could hook up with your friend, you actually hurt my feelings, and you destroyed every little hope that I had of us getting together. All of this didn’t made sense, since yesterday I had been so happy because I could forget you, but now the cruel reality had hit me, I really like you, and you would never like me.

And so the chapter ended, for a long time.

I don’t know if you felt pitty for me after that. Normally, before the 5^th of July, I would start the conversations between us, but after that day you would take the first move on conversations on facebook, it made me feel a little happy, but I still didn’t get over the fact that I had to forget you.

August came and we started the next semester of high school. We weren’t on the same class like the past semester, but I considered this as a good thing, I could forget you more easily. August passed and so did September.

Then October came, I had almost lost contact with you, and I don’t know why, but you started talking to me again, we would have funny conversations and so on. By that time I had befriend another boy, many people would often tell me that the boy had a crush on me, but that was absurd.

Then came a day that you asked me “do you like that boy?” and I naturally said “no”, but it seemed that you didn’t believe me, so I said it 3 or 4 times, haha silly me. You said that you had heard rumors about the boy and I having something more than friends, but I kept denying it. I don’t know what my head was thinking but I said “I don’t like that boy, can’t you see that I like you” after that you just stand there speechless… cold hearted as ever… why are you so cold?... but then you spoke “I… I really like the way you are, but I have never had the motivation of being something else with you”. With that said I understood, we were only friends, but my body kept going; I took a step forward and hugged him, then I said to him “I really care for you” and he said “me too”. We let go of each other and went our separate ways.

It had seem that after that day everything turned better, we started talking a lot, and being with one another. One day you even gave me a brownie, it was so sweet of you to do that, even if you had eaten half of it hahaha.

One day we were together and I was so sleepy because of all of the homework that I had done, and you grabbed my hand, and it was beautiful, feeling your hand with mine was like heaven. Then I told you the same phrase that I had said a month ago “I care for you” and he said “me too” with that he hugged me, a long beautiful hug.

Never in my life had I felt happier, on that day I knew what it was like to feel loved by someone, and I felt that we were right for each other.

At the Halloween party I spend every minute with you, watching movies in my classroom while every other student was out partying. And I loved every single moment, you touching my hand, and me putting my head over your shoulder, it felt perfect.

One friend even asked me why I liked you, and I remember thinking about that question all day, but I think I know the answer now: “I like you because you make me feel special, you are so cold to every other person, but with me you show something more than your normal cold attitude, and this makes me feel special. I love the way your hair falls over your head, you look so handsome with your hair all messed up.  I love the way you make me feel when I used to hold hand with you, and the way you made my heart skip a beat every time you pass” and I still love those entire things… even if you don’t feel the same way anymore.

But then things went downhill, the day of my birthday… we finally had decided to talk about our feelings for each other, I wanted for us to be something more, but you thought otherwise. You said that we had school to focus on, that “us” would simply be a distraction, that maybe after 5^th semester we could be something more; and I understood, we were both very busy with school work, so we kind of decided to take a moment to focus on our final grades.

That was the biggest mistake that we made.

After that day we started drifting apart, I became too focus on school and final projects that I wasn’t able to see how I was affecting you. The moment I realized, it was too late. I tried making things right by creating “Wednesday of hugs” so that I could specifically hug you, but when I went to give you the hug you said “no”, you didn’t want a hug, but that hasn’t what had hurt me, it was the way that you said “no”. You said it so cold hearted, so indifferent, like you didn’t care, I could actually see hate from your eyes.

In acknowledge that I had focused too much on school, and had hurt you. But I thought “wasn’t that the plan? To focus on school”

 On the last day of exams/last day of school, I made little gifts for my close friends, I slept 1 hour that day, because I had lots of homework and I had to make the little gifts for everyone. I was happy, I had put extra effort on your gift, I was almost sure that this little gift will make the difference and you wouldn’t be that mad at me; but when I gave it to you, you didn’t say anything, not even a thank you.

You broke me… again with your cold stare.

Now we are on vacations, I won’t see you until January. But hear me when I say this:

I’m sorry…

For everything, for ignoring you in school, and for focusing only on my work and forgetting about you. It was my fault, I can see that, I wish that you would give me another chance, I wish that you would look at me the way you used to. I wish I had your love again. I’m sorry, I really am. But… why? Why are you so cold? Would it hurt you to actually tell me what you're thinking sometimes? Your mind is a labyrinth. I might have failed you on this one, but I also acknowledge that we both are at fault.

Why are you so cold?

I love you

But your coldness is consuming me slowly.

I guess what’s all that’s left is to show you this letter, and say goodbye for now.