I bet it’s now 1 o’clock in the morning. I’m sure everyone else is in deep slumber right now; dreaming for their future. But the hell, I don’t want to sleep. Hmmp! Future? There ’s no future for me—I live in the past.  Sleeping? Nay, sadness will just invade my sleep as it will just prison me to an inescapable dungeon of madness. I will think of her again. I just can’t resist her. It’s been 6 months since we broke up. I should have moved on, but look what happen to me? I’m messed up.

Now, here I am walking down the alley of Seoul with a bottle of Soju. Oh, and by the way, this is my...oh i forgot..ugh! nth bottle..since I went to a club alone. The pavement is so blurry and my head spins around due to the alcohol. The atmosphere is getting cold and its piercing through my body. My walking phase is now criss-crossed and I’m already dozed off. I’ve been clubbing since we broke up just to distract myself. I met a lot of girls there—different kinds of girls. But none of them satisfies me like she does. Yes, I kissed them but never did a one night stand with them. It will be just so insane, you know. I will only do it to her. Only her.

I didn’t see her in anyone else. I guess she is so special—a one of a kind. I guess fate never wants us to be in a relationship forever. I never let her go; it was time that let us go. We hold on to each other but I guess our grips weren’t that strong enough. It was weak as a thread—ready to break at any time.

I drank another sip of the Soju and its crisp satisfies my throat.

I can hear my footsteps getting heavier and heavier. The right side of my temple is ringing intensely that it would break at any time now. I shook my head for relief and blinked my eyes at a thousand times but the effect of the alcohol is still swarming my whole being. I leaned on the nearest light post with my hands trembling on the cold steel of it. The light blinked above me like peekaboo. The hot air escaping from my mouth contradicts with the cold temperature of the city. I tried to stare at certain point with my now weak vision but all I see is total blur. I shut my eyes close for a second or two but it worsen; I can’t see a thing anymore, my vision turns to black. I shut it again and I was glad that my vision is back but it was still blurry. My body begins to drop its weight and it caused my knees to shake. I tried to balance myself more and tried to shift my whole weight against the post. A tear slipped from my eyes—I remembered how she tried to care for me always.

“Take care of yourself, Wonshik-ah. Never let anyone step on you. I love you. Fighting!”

Step on me? Ha! I laughed at her statement as it echoed inside my mind. That’s so ridiculous! She stepped on my whole being since we broke up. Now, I’m having a hard time to stand up without her hand reaching for me. Yes, I admit it. I hate her. Yet, I love her—so much. I rubbed my forehead with my free hand and sighed so hard. My heart drowns and I can feel some rushing blood escaping from it. Oh, how it aches. Sometimes I feel regretful of loving that kind of woman. I knew from the very start that she is the kind of woman who will love me forever. But things don’t stay the same after all. She changed her beautiful ways into an imperfect one.  Women.

I lifted my head and stared at the cold black blanket skies and another tear dropped and travelled along my cheeks. I miss her. I wanted her to come back to my arms—so badly. I want to hug her warm body and kiss her red lips. I drank the remaining contents of the bottle and the tears in my eyes completely invaded my sense of sight making it more vivid. The alcohol made my knees go weak and I crumbled down to the floor because of it.

My back was against the icy pavement of the city. The chills ran down my spine and invaded my totality.  I didn’t mind it all. I am tired of this life; I want to go back to reality. Those 6 months are just a mock that can be cured with the truth. This is not the kind of life I am looking for—it is a life with her that I dreamed of.  I want to belong in her arms again. But where is she? I must find her. I must find my dream. I must live with it and breathe with it. But here I am drowned with the power of the alcohol and the ruling of my sadness deep inside my heart. I am a total jerk.

 I have no strength inside my body now.

I want to wake up with her and feel her touch.

I want to stand up from this state and run towards her.

I want her whole being right now. Nothing else.

But here I am lying down the streets like a homeless drunk by the spirits of the wine.

My heart beats slowly.

My eyes closed.

My mind shut and she invaded it (as always).

My tears are running down endlessly

Life is so unfair indeed.

“_____-ah.”  I voiced out her name and fell down into the lashing fires of my burdens.