The trees are bare, all its leaves fallen due to the changing of seasons from summer to autumn, only the black bark of it stands against the gray of the sky in the background, its branches thinning out as it reaches towards a sunless atmosphere. Looking from the bottom, the tree at the top of the hill looks like a huge crack in the sky. Only Baekhyun and Kyungsoo are still there. Baekhyun said Luhan was here earlier, but left with the others.

“I didn’t think you would come.”

Jongdae glances up from the ground to look at Baekhyun.

He shifts his weight from one foot to the other, his fists clench and unclench, unknown to the other two, deep in his coat pockets.

“I didn’t think I would either.”

-

“Jongdae, Jongdae, Jongdae!” she chants excitedly, the sound of the door bursting open lost as she dashes to his desk, avoiding the other students milling about in the room.

“What? I’m studying here.” He keeps his head down, eyes focused on the text, but to no avail because he’s not even absorbing the information once he’s aware that she’s next to him.

“Who studies during lunch? You’re supposed to be eating. Did you eat yet?” Jongdae looks up at her now and if he may be over analyzing but she looks genuinely worried.

“And what about you? Did you eat yet?” he quips back. She grins and nods and Jongdae hasn’t told anyone yet but her eyesmile is his favorite. He watches her maneuver her backpack from her back to her lap.

“Don’t worry. I made lunch. Enough for the both of us, I would say. So, if you didn’t eat yet.” She pats her backpack. “I’ve got you."

“Thanks. So what’s up? What’s got you so excited?” She’s lifting the boxed lunches out of her bag when her eyes widen in realization.

“Oh, that’s right! Jongdae, I made it to the roster of the school soccer team!” She lifts her forearms upwards in a half cheer.

“Wow, congratulations. I told you would make it.”

 

She leans back in her seat and looks straight ahead, her eyes in a daze. “I practiced. So much for it. It really paid off.” She turns her head to Jongdae. “You have to do well too.”

“What?”

“Your audition? For the solo in the winter concert!”

Jongdae turns away in embarrassment to glance down at his textbook. “Oh, right.”

“Why do you sound so sullen? I’m positive you’ll get it. You deserve that solo.” She puts a hand on his shoulder. Jongdae tenses at her touch but just nods.

“Here. Take a break from your studies. Eat up!” She opens up the top of the plastic container and hands him his pair of chopsticks.

“Ooh, can I have some?” Baekhyun walks by and picks a piece of meat with his fingers. He grins cheekily as he chews.

“Yah, Byun Baekhyun. You better show some respect. You just stole from a starting defender.” she says seriously.

“Omo, you really made it?!” Baekhyun’s eyes go wide and his mouth drops before laughter sounds from it. “Congratulations!” He claps his hands three times for her.

“Thanks. Now go away so me and Jongdae can eat. You’re disturbing our meal.” She shoos him away with her chopsticks.

“Sorry, lovebirds.” Baekhyun mutters but Jongdae hears it. He sends Baekhyun a glare while mouthing ‘Do you wanna die?!’ Baekhyun chuckles as he walks away. Jongdae attempts to suppress the heat of his embarrassment before he tries to eat. More importantly, did she hear him? He glances at her; she’s just eating quietly while looking at her phone. Jongdae relaxes and goes to pick at a meat piece.

“Baekhyun is funny, huh? He’s a good friend.” she says.

“Yeah, he is.”

 

-

 

“Just jump. I’ll catch you.”

“Jongdae, you dummy. I told you it was dumb to go after your dumb ball.” She’s starting to cry. He can hear her voice cracking. The dog’s vicious barking can be heard, getting louder. She turns at the sound and then looks back at Jongdae. She’s on top of the brick wall, on her hands and knees. The wall isn’t that tall. The dog could definitely touch the top of it. It could bite her. Then he’d never forgive himself.

“Look at me. Just jump.” He stretches out his arms in front of him and moves closer to the wall.

“I-I’m scared.”

“Don’t be scared. I will catch you.” She turns her head and sees the dog bounding towards the wall. She screams his name. “Don’t, don’t look that way. Turn here. Face me, okay. Stand up.” Still sniffling, she slowly lifts herself, she steadies herself with her hands and ends up in a crouching position. The dog is right by the wall and readying to pounce up the wall.

“Okay, now jump!” he yells. She gets shocked by both his command and the dog’s bark right behind her. Next thing she knows, she loses her footing somehow and is falling forward. She hears a thud and a cracking sound. She opens her eyes and releases her clenched fists. She ends up on top of Jongdae. He tries to move but it’s painful so he groans under her.

“Are you okay?”

“Jongdae, I’m sorry.” she sobs and hiccups, face down into his shirt.

“I told you I would catch you.”

“You. Big. Dummy!” she shouts in between her sobs.

-

 

They are both in his room. He lets her sit on the bed while he takes his desk chair.

“You missed practice again?” Jongdae questions her.

She shrugs. “I wasn’t feeling too well yesterday. Coach let me have a break. We’re on a winning streak anyways.” She takes a sip from her water bottle.

“Are you getting sick? I told you to wear more sweaters. It’s getting cold you know.”

She sighs, knowing when she’s losing a fight. “Okay, okay. I’ll wear a sweater and a scarf tomorrow.”

Jongdae stays silent for a while, then, “No, wear it tonight.”

She’s caught by surprise, Jongdae’s sure of it. “Wha--”

“Are you free tonight? Meet me by the deokbokki stand in the plaza around 8. I have something important to tell you.” He bravely keeps eye contact with her. She still looks surprised but more understanding than unhappy, which is good, Jongdae tells himself.

She nods.

-

 

The forecast called for light snow tonight. Jongdae’s glad that although it’s cloudy, the air is still clear. He’s walking alone amongst the crowd, making his way towards the stand. That’s when he sees her. The light from the store’s window panels illuminates her from behind. She’s facing away from the stand, looking forward, searching for something. For him, he tells himself.

“Hi.” he breathes out.

She smiles. His favorite. “Hi.” she says quietly, almost mouthing it.

“Are you cold?” He sees her crossed arms tucked close to her body.

“I’m even wearing a coat. And I still feel cold.” she explains while laughing.

“Here.” She doesn’t have time to respond or react appropriately as Jongdae shrugs his coat off easily and swings it around her so it rests on her shoulders. Her body is engulfed by his warmth.

“Aren’t you going to be cold?”

“I’m fine. Come on.” Jongdae tilts his head, she follows at his side. They walk in silence, close but aware of each other’s space. The plaza is decorated with holiday ts. Bright reds and greens, shimmering whites and golds adorn the shops, lamp posts, and shrubbery. Holiday music sounds from the speakers. There are more couples than families out at this time. The crowd becomes denser as they near the center of the plaza, where the Christmas tree is placed. A 30-foot tree, adorned with ornaments of all shapes and colors, yet amongst the lights of the plaza, seems like a shadow in the middle of a lit picture.

“Here.” She’s distracted from the tree and sees Jongdae holding up his arm, bent at the elbow. She’s confused only for a second before she’s aware of the presence of people. It’s like she gravitates towards him, someone who’s she’s familiar with, has been familiar with for most of her life. She links her left arm with his right. He smiles and she takes the step further so their sides touch. She finds it much warmer when she’s at his side like this.

 

They follow the flow of the crowd as they seem to surround around the tree.

That’s when it hits her. “Oh.” She looks up at him and then back at the tree. “Tree lighting ceremony?”

He hums. “Is this what you wanted me to see?” she asks. He checks his wrist for the time. “Jongdae, we come here every year, what’s so special about—“

Suddenly, she’s being turned towards him and his arms wrap around her frame.

“Jongdae…”

“Listen, I… I really, like you, you know?” He gets out. He can hear a small intake of breath from her. He holds her with a little more confidence. “You’re fun, and pretty, you make me laugh, you’re strong—“

I’m not strong, she thinks to herself.

“Jongdae.” She takes a small step back. He lets her go. “You can’t even look me in the eyes, you big dummy.”

Her response shocks him at first. He wasn’t expecting this kind of reaction. Well, he wasn’t sure what he was expecting really, but…

“I like you. Really, really.. like you.” He maintains eye contact and tries to speak as clearly as he can. She stares back at him and for a moment, he really believes this was all for nothing, maybe he shouldn’t have done this, maybe he should’ve just kept quiet and maybe they could—

“I really like you too. Kim. Jong. Dae.” She enunciates and laughs at his expression. She shakes her head and wraps her arms around his middle and gives him a real hug. As her head hits his chest, the tree lights up from the bottom-up. The crowd erupts into applause and cheer. The holiday music increases in volume.

“Oh, Jongdae! Look!” She straightens up and does a little jump in glee. “So pretty.” She whispers as she gets lost in the glamour of the lights, while Jongdae gets lost in the beauty of the moment, the beauty of her.

-

 

“Hi, Jongdae-ah. Sorry, she isn’t feeling well today. She’s been resting all day. She told me no visitors.” Her mom answers the door.

“Oh, but it’s me. I came all the way here to bring her the assignments she’s missed.” He jokes, expecting a laugh. One doesn’t come, only a shake of the head.

“Sorry, Jongdae-ah. Thank you for bringing her homework.” She takes the folder of papers. “Wait here, I’ll send you home with some seaweed soup.”

Jongdae sighs. “Okay. Thank you.”

-

 

“You’re going to be there, right?” Jongdae pokes her open palm that’s nestled on top of his palm, and then proceeds to trace the Chinese characters he learned in class today.

“Yes. I said I was the first time you asked, didn’t I?” She leans her head on his shoulder. He hums. “I knew you would get the solo, Jongdae. And you’re singing my favorite song.”

“That’s why you have to go.”

“I will. I’ll be there. Right in the front.”

Her kisses becomes his new favorite.

-

 

Jongdae walks onto the stage. His eyes have already adjusted to the dim lighting. He sees the X marked with tape, signifying the middle of the stage. The red curtain is drawn closed but he can hear the murmurs of the audience just on the other side. The choir stands behind him, he sees Baekhyun, Kyungsoo, and Luhan amongst them. Kyungsoo smiles and nods. Baekhyun grins happily and waves at him. Luhan joins him. Jongdae nods back at them all in acknowledgment. The piano chord sounds and the curtains draw back. The spotlight blinds him at first but he’s grateful for it in the end, it keeps him from seeing the audience. Most of them anyways. Because there in the front row, like she said she would be, is her. Her coat rests in her lap. She’s wearing a dress with sleeves and her hair looks so pretty. She always looks so pretty. Jongdae smiles down at her from the stage as the piano intro continues. He might have been over analyzing again but he swears she mouthed ‘I love you’ towards him. He doesn’t have time to think about that right now though as it’s now time for him to sing.

 

-

The concert was ending and there’s too many people backstage. Where is she? Jongdae gives half-hearted replies of thanks to friends and strangers as he searches for her familiar face. He couldn’t leave after his performance because the concert was still going on, after the choir was orchestra. His eyes lock on someone familiar but not the one he was looking for, and a not-so familiar expression adorns his face.

“Baekhyun. Baek, have you seen—“

“Jongdae.” His friend grips his shoulder tightly.

“What? What’s wrong?” Jongdae is alarmed by his friend’s sullen face.

Baekhyun sighs. “She fainted, Jongdae.” He starts off slowly, seeing Jongdae’s apparent shock. “Me and Luhan were coming out of the bathroom and she was leaving through the auditorium doors. I called out to her, she heard me, I’m sure because she looked at me and she looked.. just, out of it. She touched her hand to her head, like this.” Baekhyun copies the gesture. “Then she just, she fell to the floor on her side. We ran to her. She was out. Luhan called the ambulance. Nobody saw anything. Just some teachers. But it was just me and Luhan. I think he went with her to the hospital. He told me to come find you.”

Jongdae swallows. “Which hospital is she at?”

 

-

Luhan is standing out in the hallway, hands in pocket, his bowtie undone and his dress shirt wrinkled, when Baekhyun and Jongdae get there. They probably look just as worn out.

“Her parents are inside.” Luhan nods towards the door. Jongdae nods and goes to the door. Baekhyun watches as Jongdae’s hand falters between his side and the doorknob.

“Jongdae, you don’t have to force yourself to—“

“Baek, shut up! I’m not forcing myself to do anything.” Jongdae can’t help his emotions. His friend understands. “I’m just… I don’t know if I’m prepared for whatever is gonna happen. I don’t even know.. She didn’t tell me.. I thought she was…”

Baekhyun claps a hand around his shoulder and doesn’t find it hard to turn Jongdae around. He does on his own and releases his pent up frustrations on Baekhyun’s shoulder. Jongdae doesn’t usually cry. He shouts and groans in anger. Baekhyun keeps quiet, only softly rubbing Jongdae’s back as he dampens his dress shirt.

“Come on. We’ll both go in.” Baekhyun tries after a minute or two. Jongdae straightens up and sniffles a bit before turning around.

Jongdae opens the door and what he sees just seems too surreal for him. The room is half lit. Two lamps on either side of her hospital bed are on. Her father stands up from the couch to acknowledge the two. Her mother also turns, a napkin clutched in her hand near her face. She’s been crying.

“Oh, Jongdae-ah. You’re here.” Her mother’s voice broken by leftover sobs.

“Come on, honey.” Her father holds his wife calmly, nods at Jongdae who nods back at him, as they leave the room.

Jongdae walks closer to her, taking her mother’s seat. Baekhyun walks to stand at the other side of the bed. She looks peaceful, but not lifeless. Jongdae can feel just a little relieved. He holds her hand gently. Her eyes flutter open.

“Jong.. dae..” She breathes out.

“Yeah. I’m here.”

“You sang… beautifully.”

Baekhyun closes his eyes, half in anguish, half in sadness, and exhales. He walks back over to Jongdae and pats him on the back for good measure before exiting the room. Jongdae blinks to hold back… tears?

“Thank you. You look beautiful.” He says, holding onto her hand even more tightly because he feels like she can’t reciprocate the grip, so he holds on for the both of them.

“I brought you flowers to… congratulate you… on your performance. Over there.” She points with her other hand at the side table. A bouquet of red roses rests on top. “I didn’t get a chance to hand deliver them to you.”

Jongdae nods in understanding.

“I’m sorry, Jongdae. I… didn’t tell you.”

“Tell me what?”

“Why… about why I’ve gotten so tired. Why I’ve been missing practice and class. I told you… I’m not as strong… as you think… I am, Jongdae. I’m really weak. Not like… how I used to be, huh?” She smiles and Jongdae doesn’t like how this time her smile means something completely different than what he is used to.

“What are you talking about? You are strong, you’re still strong, to me.”

“Jongdae… are you crying? Don’t cry, you big dummy…” Jongdae takes their fisted hands to his lips and lightly kisses hers.

“I’m sorry, too. I didn’t tell you...” She blinks as she looks at him with half-lidded eyes.

“That, I love you too.” He says quietly and she smiles at him, as brightly as she possibly can. A stray tear falls from the corner of her right eye.

-

 

The clock doesn’t tick backward, time only moves forward and waits for no one. But on this winter day, he can pretend it does because all he can think about is how you weren’t really suited for cold weather, yet you were the most beautiful to him during this time.

“You brought the same ones?” Baekhyun asks as they trek back to their cars.

Jongdae hums as his answer.

-

On top of the hill where a dark tree contrasts with the gray winter sky, a bouquet of fresh red roses rests over her grave.

-

 

end