It isn’t his favorite season of the year. Winter is totally the worst season after summer. He hates winter because it reminds him of her. He has never been able to forget how beautiful she was in her black coat or how she would rush into the practice room and hugged him. She would say, ‘Because you just practiced so hard, your body is so warm!’ and kept hugging him until it was time to let him go. He hates how easy it was for her to break his promise to himself, to stop loving her.

He sighs. This year it seems like all of those memories flooding his mind again. She would be thirty-two by the time and he’s quite sure she’s playing with her lover in their warm house. He can’t stop thinking how it should be him who’s playing with her. The sun light would hit their figures beautifully, like if they were in a movie or a photoshot.

 If it wasn’t because of his stubbornness, they’d be perfectly fine by now. He smiles bitterly as he glances outside the glass window that shows him the city outside. He could stare to the city all day long and it will always give him strength somehow.

 He remembers bitterly how that she was supposed to be here, looking at the first snow from this room and laughing with him about silly things. Oh he truthfully hasn’t been able to move on from Hyosung, that y and sweet senior of his.

 “Hey, honey. Awake early?” The fake cute voice shocks him that he quickly turns around only to find the girl he took home last night. He only smiles as he approaches her. Oh, he has forgotten her name and now it seems like his task is to find out her name once again.

 “No. I just watched the sun rise.” He gives her a quick peck on her cheek.

***

The clock is tickling and driving him slightly crazy.

He just remembered what day it was when Jongup kept staring on him as if he was worried that Junhong would faint anytime soon. They were in the company’s practice room for their daily morning practice and they were quite lucky that no one was there beside them. But what bothered Junhong was the stare Jongup gave to him every time Junhong sighed or did something that made him look weak.

                It took all of his patience before he finally asked Jongup what was wrong with him until Jongup kept looking at him with such expression. And Jongup innocently looked into his eyes and mumbled the answer, “Isn’t this your anniversary with noona? I thought that maybe you’re going to celebrate this alone again this year. But… I think you’ve forgotten it now?” A smile crept on his face.              

 Junhong froze on his place; the memories now flooded his mind again. Those beautiful memories he made with her.

 “Junhong-ah? You’re okay?! Oh My God, did I make you remember all of those painful memories?!” The ‘oh-so-innocent’ questions that Jongup threw to him didn’t make it any better.              

 Junhong only smiled to his hyung as he shook his head, trying to assure Jongup that he was okay. Or at least, he tried to not running away from the room and sulking or crawling to his bedroom. He suddenly missed his apartment.

“Hyung, I think I will go back earlier. Is that okay for you?” Junhong gave the older his best smile. Jongup looked at him with his worried expression again but said nothing as he nodded, agreeing to the idea.

“Don’t think of this day too much, yeah?” Jongup patted his back and gave him a warm smile. Just like Jongup. He has never really changed even after their debut, nine years ago.

He has been lying on his bed after that, staring at the ceiling as he counts how many years have passed since their break up. It hasn’t been that long, he whispered. Only for four years, this year is the fourth.

He groans. The fact that their break up happened four years ago makes him uncomfortable. He hasn’t really met with her after their break up and it makes him curious. Their break up happened it unfortunate situation. Her group was disbanding in that year while she had yet got her achievement. On the other side, she got frustrated by the fact of how empty her life looked lately.

She mentioned that one thing that made her frustrated was their relationship. They were having a date around the Han River when she mentioned how frustrating their relationship was. It got under his skin when she kept blabbering about that. He remembers how he exploded in front of her, saying that she was selfish and only saw her pain. He even told her that she had never had time for him and their relationship, he pointed out how he had always looked after their relationship, to keep it safe.

He remembers how stunned she was when he exploded. They were in a date after all and yet he exploded just like that. He didn’t even bother to remember that they were in a public area. She didn’t say anything for a while when he had calmed down. Her face was expressionless and her lips were so thin.

“Let’s just break up.” Her voice was so thin that he believed she would break anytime soon. Angered by her answer, he didn’t say anything to her and just left. They had never met after that as her contract had expired for a week and she had never visited the company again. She was gone, she never cameback to the industry. Leaving him alone.  

Now that he’s lying on his bed and thinking about it again, he knows that he has crossed the line between them. He regrets how he said that he was the only one who kept the relationship safe. If he thinks about it now, he realizes how stupid it was.

It wasn’t him who looked after the relationship. It was her after all. He had always been too busy for her. He never wanted to listen to her life. In fact, they rarely did it. Usually they talked about how things had gone between them or how his life and his jobs were. They had never truthfully talked about how she was doing. He should have predicted those complaints she made when they were walking at the Han River. He should have just listened to her and laughed.

“How awfully stupid I am.” He groans.

He reaches out for his cell phone. Hesitantly, he types her phone number that he always remembers by heart. He listens as it rings, waiting for her to pick up the phone.

“Hello?” That voice he has missed for so long. It’s greeting him.

“Hello, noona.” He’s wondering if she could hear the uncertainty in his voice.

“Junhong-ah! Is that you?” He could picture her smiling although she probably knows that he can’t see that smile.

He foolishly nods his head, totally forgets to answer her question.

“Junhong-ah? You’re there?”

“Noona, can we meet? Today?”

It seems like forever to get her answer. “Of course! A reunion with my favorite dongsaeng! It’d be fun! Where should we meet?”

“Are you in Seoul, noona?”

“I am. In fact, I’m going to visit the company later. It has been really a while, I’ll need to visit Hana in the company!”

Junhong cringes on the idea. Hana has been the producer behind a lot of songs now that people have slowly forgotten how she used to be a part of SECRET. She seems to be the only one who takes the path as Hyosung retired while JiEun continued her career in another company and Sunhwa chose to be an artist.

“I will pick you up before that, then. Where are you staying?”

He quickly takes paper and pen and writes down the address.

“I’m gonna wait you, Junhong-ah! Don’t be late, okay?” Her voice sounds different for a moment but he doesn’t notice it.

“Alright, noona. I’ll call you when I’m there.”

He didn’t realize it but when he puts down his cell phone, his hand is trembling and he is wet from the sweats.

“I do miss you.” He murmurs to no one.

***

He shivers from the cold weather. It seems like a bad idea to ask her to go out at 6 p.m when the temperature is very low. He tightens his grip on the coat, desperate to find warmth.

He was going to get his cell phone and call her when someone knocks the window of his door. He’s greeted with her smiling face. He’s unable to neither blink nor believe that he finally could see her. She has gained some weight, her cheeks show it all. Her hair has got long that it frames her face beautifully. She also has soft wrinkles around her eyes. It seems like she has laughed a lot since the last time he met her.

“Hey! I’m freezing here!” Her voice faintly reaches his ears. She’s still smiling after all.

Junhong hurriedly unlocks the door and signs her to get into the car from the passenger side. When she has sat next to him, Junhong is still admiring her. He’s drinking each details of her. He notices that her skin looks brighter than ever and how those lips still able to seduce him. She looks peaceful and happy.

“You look so fine, noona.” He mutters.

Hyosung laughs. “Thank you, dongsaeng-ya!”

“Can’t you call me by name?” Junhong asks, hoping that she’ll be able to get the sign. And she gets it.

“Are you missing me that much, Junhong? Or are you missing the old me? The one who has always spoiled you?” There’s no sarcasm in her voice. She’s simply stating facts he missed.

Junhong looks at her, refusing to look at another place. She’s looking at him too, observing how he has grown up very well after he left her on that night when she thought that her life had scattered into pieces.

“You have grown up like a true adult, Junhongie. You’ve tried to grow mustache too huh?” She lets out a very light laugh. He doesn’t know she could laugh this lightly. She probably has done her life in a much better way.

“I do and so do you. You look like a true adult woman. How long has it been? Four years?”

Hyosung smiles. Something seems to bother her. She glances to the street where people in thick coat and umbrellas are passing by. Their car has yet moved to anywhere.

“You count it too? I thought you would forget this day because you probably have erased me from your memory. Am I right?”

Junhong sighs as he rubs his eyes. “I have never forgotten this day. We should have celebrate our fifth anniversary today if we didn’t break up,”

Hyosung murmurs something that he couldn’t hear but then she softly tells him to start the engine and drive to the company. He hesitates. But she slides her fingers to his hand and squeezes it.

“I promise you we will talk about a lot of things.”

***

“Do you know that I miss you?”

“I don’t. Those four years, we have never contacted each other.”

“Why did you say we should just break up?”

“Because at the time, I thought that I might be a burden for you. Your career was on its peak when we were dating and when we were at the Han River, I realized now, I forgot how tired you were and just blurted out things like that. So then, it was best for us to just separate.”

“Why you didn’t explain things first to me before you said that?”

“Why would I? You were so busy and I was lonely. You had never really got time for me. You always told me that you were too tired even just for a small talk. Beside, you exploded when I tried to tell you what I was feeling didn’t you?” She laughs again as if it didn’t hurt her when he exploded and left her four years ago.

“Were you sad? When I left you alone?”

“I cried after you left. It was the toughest year for me. I have always remembered how you just left me. And all I could think is how I have never really fulfilled your wish.”

“You’re not blaming me for that? Are you being serious?” This time he glances to her, he frowns but she’s looking at him like nothing’s wrong.

“I’m not. For what? It was my entire fault, like you said. I didn’t put enough attention to our relationship. Stupid me. I thought because you’re younger than me, maybe I could just rest a bit and let you to handle everything for a while. I thought that you probably would let me do whatever I want and never complained on it. I’m sorry that I ruined our relationship.”

He pulls over the car. He turns to face her, to study her. She’s telling him her deepest thoughts and he knew it well because he could hint no lies as she softly smiles to him and cups his face in his palms.

“Your face has always fitted my palms. It reminds me of the past.”

 “Don’t you miss me?” His voice is barely a whisper but she smiles.

“I do.” She softly replied.

“Then why won’t you go out with me again?”

“I can’t.” She sighs, for the first time after they meet again.

“You’re having another guy waiting for you?” He sarcastically asked.

Hyosung blinks upon his question before she bursts into laughter. “You, silly. No one wants this girl to be their date!”

Her hands slowly slip away from his face but he managed to catch them before she totally erases them from his face. He puts them back again, on his cheeks.

“I want you.” He softly said. He isn’t sure why he suddenly told her that but he just wants to tell her about his feeling freely.

“You don’t. You only feel guilty for what you did to me and then you want to pay it off by going back together with me.” Her smile now has been a bitter one. She no longer laughs nor gives him the happy smile.

“I don’t! I have been different when we’re not together! I go out with a lot of girls but none of them are you! I want you. I want the old you, the new you and the future you!” The volume of his voice is getting higher and he has fully let go of her hands. He’s looking straight into her eyes.

“Don’t you know that I have almost got crazy after our break up? I tore up everyday because the thought of you! You couldn’t be found although I tried my hardest to find you. It hurts me to think that you’re avoiding me.” His voice sounds distant. He refuses to look at her and only stares at the street ahead of them.

 It’s like waiting for years to get her talk. Her voice is weak and she sounds not very sure when she starts talking.

“I got mental problem at the time. I did several self harms; life wasn’t easy for me at the time and to lose you… It was actually the hardest one. I was selfish, like you told me. I only saw my pain and it frustrates me. I planned to visit the company and go missing again. I just want to meet Hana and all of you again. Of course, I wished to meet you again but not like this. I didn’t expect to hear all of these from you.”

When he looks at her, she’s bowing to hide her face. He knows she’s crying. Slowly, he ruffles her hair.

“You should have just told me.” He said. He closes his eyes, not expecting things to be like this. It’s totally out of his prediction.

“I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to make you worried over me.” She mumbled.

“Hyosung, show me your arms.” It just hits him now that she’s wearing long sleeves and long coat. Hyosung whom he knew from the past, hated to wear long clothes. She rarely wears them. But when she mentioned the self harm thing, it makes him realizing something.

Her head rises up. Her eyes are looking at him in disbelief as she continuously shakes her head, refusing the idea. She folds her arms in front of her chest as she keeps shaking her head.

He sighs. “For this time. Just for this time, I swear.” He’s begging now.

Her eyes blink rapidly. To actually get Junhong begs is something rare. Or is it just for her that he rarely begs? She’s hesitant but his touch is just way too soft. His eyes have got softer now compared to when she first got into the car.

She removes her sleeve up to her wrist. He has to hold back from shouting.

“Is it a new wound?” He asked. He didn’t permit himself to talk too loud because he couldn’t believe on his voice. She would know how he actually feels by then.

“It isn’t. It’s from my first attempt to cut.” She mumbled.

The cut seems like it’s new. He knows that it’s probably a deep cut. Beside the cut, there’s another cut. But this one isn’t as deep as the first one.

They sit back for what seems like hours when she covered the wounds again. He said nothing after what he saw and she said nothing, too.

“Hyosung, please.” He breaks the silence by his whisper-like voice, “Let’s repair our relationship and I promise you that I will be better. I promise to always watch you and not letting you get into self harms anymore.”

“Are you being sympathies toward me? I don’t need it! I don’t want a relationship based on sympathies!” She suddenly shouted. Her face gets redder by each second.

“No! Don’t you get it after our long talk? I need you. I want you. I don’t care if you’re being a freak or complain again. The past four years is enough for me.”

She bites her bottom lips, being hesitant. He squeezes her hands. Letting her to feel his warmness. When he looks up, she’s crying.

“Promise me you’re not going to anywhere again?”

“Promise. Why….?” Before he was able to complete his word, she already seals his lips by locking them with hers.

“I miss you. I do.” She mumbled.