There are many scenarios whirling in my mind right now, and none of them are good.

  There’s no way you’re going to accept me, let alone love me back. I can hand you my heart, but all you’ll ever do is crush it in your beautiful hands and watch it bleed. I imagine myself confessing it all to you. And then I imagine your smile faltering when you realize that I’m being serious, that my feelings for you are real.

  I imagine you sneering, pushing me away. “I don’t want to be seen with a freak like you,” I can just hear you say that. It hurts, oh god, it hurts so bad, but I can’t help but want you. It’s not like you’re a bad person – because you’re not. Your goal in life is to make everyone happy…you just can’t help me with that.

  But I guess it’s okay. After all, I’m one person. You know, just insignificant.

  We aren’t all that close in front of the camera, and I will never allow that to happen. It’ll only cheapen our relationship, get fans to “ship” us together like how they do with you and Baekhyun, and it’ll be simply fantasies. I can’t stand it if our relationship is reduced to fan service.

  I want to take whatever I can get even if it’s not enough.

  Perhaps I’m asking too much of this. This isn’t a dream, I have to remind myself. I’m standing on the stage, doing what I’m born to do with the support of 11 other guys… I have it good already.

  It’s all a dream right now, but if I ever let three words slip out of my lips, my life will be a nightmare. Not only will I ruin myself, I’ll ruin the whole group. I can’t do that. I can’t crush everyone’s hopes so easily because I have stronger than normal feelings for you. It isn’t right.

  You always ask me why I’m not constant. Why I push and pull. Why I say you’re my favourite person one moment and then run away the next. Believe me, it is better that way. You will never find out about how I look at you this way.

  It’s a win-win situation, right?

  It’s impossible not to like you, you know. You’re just like a blazing fire: I know you’ll burn me, but you’re too pretty to ignore. I’m reckless and foolish. I don’t want to face my emotions but I want to tell you everything…

  …and watch as you break me down. I’m going to crack sooner or later…might as well be under your stare – disgusted or not.

  Park Chanyeol, I repeat again and again in my mind. Your name tastes like sugar. It’s sweet. With your name comes the image of time and fate and destiny and forever and ever and ever.

  Or am I dreaming again?

and I'm only writing this because I remember when I was completely frustrated at real life. Funny how the person I used to have a crush on isn't very opening to people who are like me. It happened two times. Ok. Wow.