The sky started to drizzle a bit; the sound of raindrops falling fills the place. Tik..tik..tik... It rained harder.

    Lee Donghae, who was dumped in the middle of a dark road while raining, the person who felt that he was left alone in this world, who also felt miserable at that time, had accepted all of these. Even though the love he was holding on so tight for a long time wasn't given the response he wanted. Even those happenings that has been a taboo to him happened, he still nodded and walked on. He forgave the one who dumped him so easily, although it was a dreadful thing for him to do.

 

 

His Regrets in Leaving Him

 

 

    "You okay now, hyung? You don't miss him anymore?" Donghae's dongsaeng and roommate, Kyuhyun, in the middle of the afternoon, asks as he brought chips for them to eat while slouching in their apartment.
    There's nothing to do anyways.
    "I'm not sad anymore; don't worry. I'm fine now. That incident was months over already; I've moved on." Donghae gave him a so-so smile and patted his dongsaeng's head. He snatched the pack of chips from Kyuhyun's hand and teared it open.
    "You're still sad, I know it." Kyuhyun said with a straight face.
    The former chuckled, "I said don't worry, Kyu." Then he shoved the chips all at once in his mouth.
    Kyuhyun sighed in defeat. He doesn't want to have a debate with the most stubborn person in the world. "Okay, okay. You won this time. But ONLY THIS TIME!" he emphasized.
    Donghae chortled, "Okay, only this time." He put his hands up to his head and promised. He gave Kyuhyun the pack of chips, but when the latter tried to grab a single chip, there was already none--his hyung had finished it all.
    A glare was the rightful punishment for what Donghae has done; and Kyuhyun's glare was the scariest of all. Donghae raised his hands in surrender, in defeat, but he knows that his dongsaeng will forgive him so he just smiled after. Kyuhyun sighed again and got a new pack of chips.

    "How was your check-up?" Kyuhyun remembered as he was searching. Donghae's eyes widened. He gulped. 'Why does he need to recall that?' he thought.
    "It was...okay," he sheepishly said. "The doctor said that I'll be fine after taking my meds." He sat on one of their apartment's couches and slacked off. Kyuhyun did too while holding the pack of chips he just got. The both of them sighed.
    Donghae had been sick after a month of the incident when he was dumped. He had been taking medications and frequently went to the hospital for check-ups. He had cancer, the doctor said. Lung cancer, stage four, the worse stage ever that a person could get. Unbelievable as it may be, he must struggle so that he'll be able to live--he still has one thing left to do.
    It was a good thing that Donghae was still young, or his hair would've fall already--making him look old--and he might have vomited almost three or four times a day. In a weeks while, his hair would fall, he predicted, chuckling at the thought.
    "Hyung.." Kyuhyun touched his hyung's arm and caressed it. "You'll be fine. Cheer up! You still have me," he smiled at his hyung.
    "Yes, I know that. Thanks," Donghae answered as he faced his so-called brother and smiles.
    "Why are you being so dramatic right now? Didn't the doctor say that you'll be fine?"
    "Maybe your the one who's being dramatic here," the older teased and quickly escaped the need to answer the younger's question. He tried to grab the new pack of chips from the younger's hand, but couldn't do so--Kyuhyun hid it. The latter stuck his tongue out while making silly sounds, "Meh-rong! Meh-rong!" he said. His hyung chuckled, just smiled and thanked his dongsaeng mentally for always being there with him.
    Unfortunately, the doctor said that he only has a month or so left to live. He felt sad at first when he heard the news but agreed later that it was the best for him--he has no one anyways and he wasn't sure if the last thing he must do on Earth would be fulfilled.
    He hasn't told anyone the news, even to Kyuhyun who was his closest friend at present. He had not felt the need to tell it to anyone--he doesn't want them to worry just because of him, a dying fish.

~

On the other hand;

    Hyukjae, who was again looking at past pictures of him and Donghae: crying, shouting his past lover's name, feeling miserable, full of regrets. He, who wanted to act cool and cold to his lover was now the one feeling empty, sad and alone. He always asks himself, why did I do that?
    Everyday remembering his past memories with his cute little fish was the worst thing he could ever do in his life. Recalling his voice, his embrace, his kiss, his touch,his scent, the touch of his hair, his perfect smile, his wonderful voice, the glow of his eyes, his everything!
    Hyukjae felt sorry for what he had done and is still hoping for Donghae to forgive him. But what could he do if he doesn't even know Donghae's whereabouts? He has lost hope already; even though it was only months of separation, it felt centuries for him.
    He was stuck in his room the whole month, recalling everything.


    "Hyuuuuukie~" Donghae hugged Hyukjae from behind. The latter flinched then pushed Donghae out of annoyance.
    "What?!" he asked irritatingly.
    The former pouted then smiled after because he is already used to his lover's actions and personality.
    "I wanna sing a song for you~" he said.
    The elder scoffed then put his hands on his waist, "You sing?" he teased, smirking at the tought. "What song?" he asked, wanting to challenge the younger person.
    Donghae grinned, "No Other is the title."
    Hyukjae just nodded and lend his ear for the first time ever since he and Donghae had been together.
    Donghae happily sang, "There's no one like you, even if I look around it's just like that. Where else to look for? A person good like you, a person good like you, a heart good like you, a gift good like you. How lucky, the person who will try hard to protect you is just me. Where else to look for? A guy happy like me, a guy happy like me, a guy who laughs with the greatest happiness like me," he smiled then made a heart sign with his hand.
    "You're so cheesy!" The elder said, smiling.
    Donghae smiled too and felt happy and ecstatic because for the first time that they've been together, he saw Hyukjae smile happily from the bottom of his heart due to what he has done.


    Hyukjae experienced a lot of first times at that time: he lend an ear to Donghae, smiled when he sang, and blushed when he heard the lyrics of the song Donghae sang and its message. He who was a conceited and cold person had felt these emotions only at that time because of Donghae.


    He looked at his lover who was humming random tunes while dancing randomly. He chuckled. For the first time, he thought that Donghae's adorably cute.


    A tear escapes his eye; he started crying again. He sighed, "Nothing will happen if I stay here crying over petty reasons. I need to find him. I need to." He put back the picture of him and Donghae on one of his drawers and went out of his apartment to find his former lover and beg forgiveness.

~

    "Sad to say Mr. Lee but, you only have a few weeks--maybe days left--to live. I am very sorry but this is the only thing we could do," the voice of the doctor repeats itself in Donghae's head as he buried his face in his palm.
    He's sitting on one of the benches of the hospital he has frequently visited, crying and sulking. He remembered the only smiling memory of him with Hyukjae; he wants to see it again, even one second would be okay, he just wants to see his treasured person once again.
    He stands up feeling dizzy. His chest feels heavy. His hands tightening its grip. He wanted to rest for some reason, he doesn't know. He continued to walk.. So he did: he walked and walked and walked. But faints in the end. The last thing he saw was the nurses who were running for his aid. He closed his eyes slowly and saw the face of Hyukjae--he dreamt of him--a happy face that he could never see in his whole life ever again.

~

    He sensed that he was resting on a bed, in the hospital. He wanted to wake up, but couldn't--there was this force that prevents him not to. It was dark, very dark. He felt loneliness. He felt alone. But then a touch was felt, it was Kyuhyun's hand. He could hear his dongsaeng saying, "Hyung, I'm already here. Don't leave me; please wake up. Hyung, please."
    He wanted to say that he's fine to the younger person but he couldn't do so. He couldn't even open his eyes, how could he speak?
    'Kyu, thank you,' he wanted to say.
    'Kyu, I want to meet him,' he also wanted to suggest.
    He cried in the inside. He misses him so much--his anchovy, his Hyukjae, his most precious one.

~

    Hyukjae, now full of hope, asked his past acquaintances about Donghae's whereabouts. No one knew, except for one, Cho Kyuhyun.
    Kyuhyun knew that his hyung was looking for his past lover each second of everyday, even though he wasn't told so. That's how he's close to his beloved hyung.
    He told everything to Hyukjae, the thing about Donghae's cancer, the days the latter has suffered, and those days he managed to move on but made him go back to where he was a few months before, with his one and only treasured anchovy.

    It was painful for Hyukjae to hear that--especially the fact that Donghae was in a coma in the hospital. He covered his mouth and prevented tears from falling. "This is all my fault," he whispered. "This....is all my fault."
    Kyuhyun shooked his head, as if to say, 'It wasn't your fault.' He looked down to his feet, they all feel the same, they all think it was their fault.
    But Kyuhyun, as a Christian thought again, 'This is only God's challenge.' He was optimistic that good things would bear fruit in this suffering.
    It was always like that.

    "W-where is he?" Hyukjae gathered all of his courage to ask that single question. "I want to, no, I NEED to see him," he said, his eyes fixed on the younger person. He was serious. He wanted to meet his fish once again before everything fails and cancer wins the competition.
    Kyuhyun smiled sadly and escorted Hyukjae to the hospital where Donghae is resting, or maybe, waiting.

    As soon as they arrived, they saw nurses and doctors reviving Donghae.
    'What happened?', the both of them thought.
    Hyukjae, due to his bodily instincts, suddenly widened his eyes in surprise and started banging the glass window as if he wanted to break lose from jail, "Donghae! I'm here! I'm HERE!!" he shouted, tears falling from his swelling eyes, "Donghae! I'm HERE! HERE, RIGHT IN-FRONT OF YOU!! THERE'S NO NEED TO GO ANYWHERE ELSE!!!" he continued to bang the glass.
    Kyuhyun, who was watching on the side, just covered his face and started to sob. He, himself, doesn't want to be left alone too. His Donghae hyung was the only person he had. But, he had no choice, if this is what he and He wishes, he must comply. It isn't his decision.
    "Hae..." Hyukjae whispered as he slid his hand, that is tightened in a grip, on the glass window. "Hae," he repeated. Sobs in between, he said, "I've done wrong. Please... Please.. I beg you..." With that, he started to pray like there was no tomorrow; repeating words such as, don't let him leave me.

    The sound of the heart monitor going flat line was heard. Sighes from the staffs were too. But what echoed the hall the most, was the predicted gasps from both of the people watching from outside.
    "I.. I didn't had the chance to.. The chance to beg forgiveness.." Hyukjae whispered to himself. A flood of tears soaked his face. No, this isn't happening. IT ISN'T!
    The doctor went out and patted Kyuhyun on his right shoulder, "I'm very sorry," he said then left with his staff.
    Kyuhyun sighed then gulped, 'Who would be his hyung, his guardian, now that Donghae is gone?' he tought.
    He looked at the empty Hyukjae and walked to him. He was about to hug him until he saw the latter staring at something. He followed the older's gaze and looked at where he was dazing at.
    He saw...nothing.
    His eyebrows narrowed; he looked at Hyukjae again.

    Hyukjae walked slowly, step-by-step to the room where Donghae was lying while staring into something, or maybe someone. He turned the door knob and went inside, leaving the door open. He saw the most angelic thing he have seen in his life, Donghae.

    Donghae was smiling in-front of him, wearing white from top to bottom. He looked like an angel. He said nothing but signaled his treasured person to come to him and embrace him tight.
    Hyukjae did. He embraced him tight as if he had not seen him for centuries. So tight that any living person could not breathe from the embrace. But Donghae just smiled, smiled very happily.
    Hyukjae looked at Donghae's face and tears started to fall again from his eyelids. "I'm so sorry..." he sobbed, "I'm very very very very very very very sorry!" he exclaimed.
    Donghae chuckled and caressed Hyukjae's head. He smiled. "Don't worry, I forgive you. I've had ever since. Don't worry. I still love you, don't worry," he emphasized, "I still love you so much, don't worry, NO ONE would ever change you in my heart. I know that you know that."
    No words neither actions were needed anymore. A smile was the only thing necessary.

    Donghae walked backwards then disappeared making Hyukjae feel empty a bit. A tear fell, but it wasn't because of sadness, but because of happiness. Donghae had forgave him and it was the only thing he needed. He will love him forever, him and only him.

    Kyuhyun, who saw everything Hyukjae has done while he was standing outside the room, smiled. Even though he didn't know what actually happened, he knew that everything would be okay again. It'll be fine, back to the way it was before.

    The regrets that Hyukjae felt disappeared as he saw Donghae's smile. He promised himself then, that he wouldn't do anything that would make him feel miserable like he felt when he left his dear fish. He would never do it, never and never again.

 

I really didn't know then how special your love was to me.
Now as I look back into my memories, you were always smiling though you held unto your bruised heart.
-Distant Memory of You, Park Hyoshin