This is flash back

             This them speaking in English

                                  **************************************************************************************************************************************

                    It was a day that everyone remember whether they wanted to or not. A day that they never failed to meet up on with their respective families to share what was happening in their lives. It was the third year of Super Junior’s mutual disbandment and a day none of them ever forgot. And as Heechul gazed at out at the eleven smiling faces, wrinkled with laughter lines and happiness as they cooed over the newest addition to their family, Jungsoo’s son Haneul, he couldn’t help but nearly choke on the lump in throat at the empty chair. Even through the happiness on the others faces, he could see it slip away every time they glanced at the empty chair, waiting like they did every year for the one person that would never show up. Heechul looked away, playing with his phone softly as a sorrowful smile tugged at his lips.

                            ‘I…I’ve met a girl, one I want to spend my life with and settle down with. I’ve already discussed this with management and they said to talk to you all…I already rang Siwon, Donghae and Hyukjae….they agree with me….we’re not as young as we use to be and I’m…I’m tired guys. I know I won’t be able to handle a family of my own while balancing my brothers as well…I think it’s time to step down and leave the spotlight open for someone else who wants it more’ Jungsoo’s words were shaky like his hands as he refused to meet the eyes of his dongsaengs. Most of them were trying not to let anger or sadness grip them but as they glanced at the worn out look on their leaders face, the wrinkles that shouldn’t be there but were due to stress, the defeated broken slump to his shoulders. They could tell how hard it was for him, for the strongest of them all to voice this, bring up the topic that they’d always avoided.

                ‘Hyung…are you sure hyung?’ Sungmin asked gently, moving to put an arm around the older man’s shoulders. Jungsoo nodded weakly, ‘I don’t want to leave this as much as you but I’m tired, we’ve been in this line of work for so long. We’ve achieved everything we’ve set out to do. Our ocean has spread all around the world and we know we’ll never be forgotten. Management is more than happy to offer us other positions to those who want it but I…I want to be Park Jungsoo again. I want a family’. Heads bowed but nodded in agreement. Heechul felt his heart sink but he knew that this was something they were all thinking about, their youth was long gone even though they still shined, their smiles tired. They always knew it wasn’t a life they could live forever, they’d been so young, given up so much, was it wrong to want something normal? ‘I agree with Hyung, we’re not getting younger and we should start settling our lives. If Siwon, Hyukjae and Donghae are with you than there’s no point in arguing, I think it’s time to step down’ Youngwoon  ran a hand through his hair, edges of it tinged with grey from all the damage from hair dye.

         One by one, Heechul watched as the remaining members nodded in agreement. The tiredness obvious on all their faces. Yet despite everything the only one who hadn’t spoken was the one that had tears running down his cheeks. ‘Kyu?’ Jungsoo asked cautiously, eyes trined worriedly on their youngest. Kyuhyun had yet to speak, his shoulders slumped as the tears ran down. ‘So this is it? We’re just going to stop? Give up everything we’ve worked hard to gain?” Kyuhyun’s voice was shaky. Jungsoo stood, moving from his seat to kneel into front of the younger. Heechul’s heart clenched as Jungsoo reached out to wipe away their maknae’s tears, a thing that he always did, but was rejected as Kyuhyun flinched. And as Kyuhyun raised his head, eyes red with tears and filled with emptiness they hadn’t seen in years. As he gazed them, the hazel eyes they’d love that were always full of mischief. ‘Kyu, you’re twenty-seven now, you’ve been doing this for so long. You were barely seventeen when you debut and joined us Kyu, don’t you want to relax now? You can go solo, make the music you want to, get more recognition’ Jungsoo soothed softly, hand resting on the younger’s. Kyuhyun shoved his hand off, raising his arm to hid his sobs in his elbow, eyes filled with pain as he gazed at us, ‘Is that what you think of me? As the kid that was always going to stab you in the back for a few more lines and a bit of artistic freedom? Do you…do you still not see me as an actual person after ten years…’. Sungmin’s eyes widen with fear as he quickly stepped in to wrap his arm around his shaking roommate. He reached up to drag his fingers through Kyuhyun’s now black hair, ‘Kyu, oh Hyunnie you know we love you. It’s not like it was back then, we’re all in this together but it’s time to let go, we’ve been at this for so long Hyunnie’. Kyuhyun stumbled backwards out of the embrace, Heechul bit his nails nervously as Kyuhyun’s eyes fell on him desperately, looking for reassurance but all Heechul could do is look away. ‘If it’s not like it was back then why do I feel as if I’m the bad guy all over again? Why do I feel like I’m the one with the dagger in his hands? I tried so hard to make my place in this band, to find a foothold and after everything it took me nearly dying for me to be of concern to you all. Was it just pity? After everything we went through together, or so I thought, you’re going to abandon me all over again?’ Youngwoon stepped forward expression soft, he’d always felt the worst about the treatment they gave the younger. The soft side of the large man always yearned to sooth Kyuhyun’s worries, becoming a small father figure for Kyuhyun. ‘Kyuhyun, you’re not being abandoned; we’d never leave you alone. No matter what happens to Super Junior we will always rush to aid you when you need us, you’re our maknae. We’ll never leave you. We made that promise, the one to never abandoned each other long after our light stopped shining’ Youngwoon spoke softly, his own voice wavering as he gazed at the tearful maknae. Kyuhyun shook his head, tears still streaming as he gave us pleading glances but no one spoke a word. And then he was gone.

                                                                                *

                           Heechul rested his hand against Kyuhyun’s thigh under the table. Although the maknae was all smiles and grateful words with held back tears, he was shaking as he sat in front of the crews of cameras and crowd of fans. Fans they’d trusted through the years that were still here, now crying as they listened intently to Jungsoo’s speech. H e was the first to introduce Super Junior, it was only befitting that he be the last to say goodbye. Kyuhyun had tuned out after he spoke, his eyes dead with a glassy gleam of tears as Heechul massaged his thigh gently in hopes of drawing him back to them, to him.  Kyuhyun had avoided them for the weeks leading up to this moment, often sending Ara in his place to meetings with him on speaker. When pulled aside by a concerned Sungmin and Heechul she had simply stated, ‘He feels betrayed and alone. He…he won’t even speak to us, okay? We’re all worried about him right now and I…I have to go. If someone doesn’t sit with him during meals he tends not to eat, he’s in a state of serious denial right now. I’ll keep you updated’.

                   Everyone had tiptoed around him when he arrived this morning. No one did anything out of the ordinary, acting as if it was another press conference expects the Noona’s smiles were dull and their playfulness was non-existence as they soothed down their suits for what they knew would be the last time. ‘I’ve watched you grow over the last ten years and god, you are all such handsome men’ one of the older noona’s had smiled through her tears as she gazed over them before sending them out to face the world for the last time. Soon it was time and they were standing, each with tears in their eyes. What was once such a big and powerful band seemed small, filled with holes due to absent members  and defeat as they took their last bow together, chanting their infamous introduction along with the tearful fans who still seemed proud as they waved their banners as they left the stage. Arms immediately reached for Kyuhyun once they were out of the light and away from the press. Jungsoo holding the youngest to his chest much like he had the first time he ever congratulated him after an award. Other bodies joined in the hug, including Heechul’s as he buried his hair in Kyuhyun’s shoulder as the youngest of the finally let loose all the tears he’d been holding. His hands clinging onto Jungsoo as he in return clung onto the maknae, everyone clinging onto bits of Kyuhyun as he cried his heart out. Broken ‘I’m sorry’s and ‘I love you’s making their way out between his sobs as they held him, held each other and wept. Some out of relief and others out of pain while they wished that all their brothers could be with them at that moment. Jungsoo released the maknae, a sad smile on his face as he kissed the youngest forehead before letting him go. They watched as Jungsoo turned his back, his shoulders relaxed for the first time in years as he made his way towards the door where a beautiful woman waited, long hair covering her face as she took his hand. One by one the other had disappeared. Nari had hugged Kyuhyun tightly, telling him he was welcome at their apartment whenever he wanted. The others had reassured the youngest that they’d see him tomorrow to help clean the dorm. Leaving Heechul and Kyuhyun as the youngest sniffled before attaching himself to his Hyung as Heechul smiled, his hair. ‘This isn’t the end Kyu, I’d never leave behind a cutie like you’ Heechul whispered into his ear as he took the younger’s hand and led him out of the building, and before the camera’s could catch them, he swopped down and placed a kiss on the younger’s mouth. He flashed a smile at Ara who was quick to reach her younger brother, before leaving, thinking about how he had more freedom to try win the maknae’s heart now that they were out of the lime light.

                   Heechul chuckled, reaching up to wipe away the stray tear that had fallen down his face, he’d been so stupid, so naïve to believe that now they had all the time in world. That he’d be able to whisk Kyuhyun away for a few ‘friendly’ dates as they faded from the media and became normal citizens. He truly believed that he’d be able make a life with the youngest, to finally not have the fear of losing everything over wanting to be the one to make Kyuhyun smile but it never happened. It was never meant to be because Heechul was still haunted by the phone call he’d gotten two days after the press conference. ‘Kyuhyun went out for a walk after the press conference….he has been home since and it’s been two days, no one has seen him Heechul-ah. His passports, bank accounts, clothes, mobile….everything’s gone or been canceled or turned privet…he’s gone’.

                     ‘Hyung!’ Donghae’s voice pulled him from his thoughts as he tore his gaze from the empty chair. He turned his eyes to the sad ones of Donghae as he sat beside him. Donghae wrapped an arm around Heechul’s bicep, resting his head on his shoulder. ‘I missed you Hyung’ Donghae pouted, his own happy voice dulled slightly as he glanced at the door as if expecting him to walk in. Heechul smiled, ruffling his hair as he laughed softly, ‘I saw you yesterday Hae, you practically drag me out with you every three or four days you pabo’. Donghae shrugged, lifting his head to gaze at Heechul. He analyzed the elder’s tired face, the sadness that seemed forever etched into the pale and pretty features. Heechul had always been the strong hyung, stronger then Jungsoo yet here he was, crumbling slowly with each year that passed with no word and everyone could see it. ‘I miss him too Hyung. If I could turn back time, if I’d know he’d disappear from us I would have stood by him, we all knew how fragile he was but I never thought he’d run away’ Donghae whispered softly as he let go of Heechul to hold a pillow to his chest. Heechul sighed softly, running a hand through his short hair, ‘None of us could have ever known he’d disappear Hae, Kyuhyun…Kyu was always so confident and strong that I think we forgot that he really was just a kid inside, that he was delicate and fragile due to what we did to him in those few months and what the accident did to him. His sarcasm was hard to see through’. Donghae nodded, picking at the frayed threads on the cushion. ‘We never wanted to look past it, I think we were all afraid of what damage we’d done in those months at the start. He had come in here with hope and we stabbed him in the back crushing it. Disbanding was another stab to him from us, it opened old wounds and the wall we created was back, except this time it was him shutting us out’ Jungsoo’s over suddenly joined the conversation as he sat on the edge of the sofa, his six month old son cradle carefully in his arms. Heechul had to smile as he cooed softly at Haneul who giggled, on his thumb as he gazed intensely at his uncles. Heechul the soft silky hair on his head, laughing when Haneul whined, shaking his head eyes wide.

            ‘Do you ever wonder if Kyu got married wherever he is? If he has kids that had his big doe eyes and curls?’ Sungmin asked as he walked over, handing Heechul a glass of water, the older having sworn off alcohol at these meetings after waking up next to Hyukjae last year. Heechul tensed, flinching slightly as his chest grew heavy at the thought of Kyuhyun being happy with someone else, of having kids. He knew it was selfish, that it wasn’t right to wish that Kyuhyun was single where ever he was but he still wished it. ‘I always thought he’d have the cutest children. I mean we’ve all seen his baby photographs, Kyuhyun was adorable’ Siwon pitched in as he walked in with plates of food, followed by Ryeowook. Heechul let his mind wander, picturing a little baby the size of Haneul with soft curls and eyes like Kyuhyun’s, sweet and gentle. It warmed his heart slightly, any thought of Kyuhyun had the ability to hurt him and warm him at the same time. ‘Kyuhyun always was cute, even in his awkward teenage years’ Heechul laughed as the other once again nodded. ‘I remember all the pictures of his sticky out curls and sleepy look, they were beyond ugly, and they were adorakable’ Ryeowook giggled as he untied his apron. ‘Stop making fun of my dork of a brother, you know he’d hit you all if he was here’ Ara laughed, shrugging of her coat as she entered the apartment. ‘Watch out everyone, hormonal lady coming through’ Min-mi laughed as she helped Ara into the room, fending off the hyper Hyukjae who wanted to poke at her baby bump. They were all like a real family despite never being related through blood. Siwon smiled, leaning over to kiss Ara’s head, ‘Careful with my babies Hyukjae. What took you two, well three, so long?’.

             Ara bit her lip as Min-mi helped her settle into the chair Jongwoon had cleared for her. ‘We…we had to discuss some things and what we could do about the situation…’ Ara spoke gently, as if talking to a bunch of children. ‘What’s wrong Noona?” Ryeowook asked worried as he handed her some milk, strawberry since she was always craving it these days. Ara swallowed, gazing at Min-mi, gesturing for her to continue. ‘We….well I, when I was in London for my composing and musical recording internship last month met someone…’ Min-mi gazed at her hands before bending for her bag, ‘ooooh, Min-mi’s getting married!’ Heechul teased softly, loving to tease the younger girl. She’d been Kyuhyun’s dongsaengs in college, a friend he’d often brought round to the dorms when he needed help with assignments. She’d become part of the family the second she’d introduced herself the first time. ‘Oppa!’ she whined, glaring over the tips of her glasses before quieting again, ‘His name is Marcus Cho…I wanted to tell you sooner but there was never a right time but you deserve to know…’  Jungsoo gazed at her in confusion as he settled a sleeping Haneul into his buggy before taking the picture she offered to him. The rest of the room watched in curiosity as Jungsoo’s eyes widen and his shoulders shook, a hand clamping around his mouth as he let out a sob.

                         ‘It’s…it’s….you found him’ Jungsoo cried, gazing at Min-mi as she nodded. ‘He’s working as a composer and lyricist while doing small gigs at an underground club, he has a fan base that stay quiet about his existence since they don’t want to lose him. He’s…if I said he was doing fine it wouldn’t be a lie, but he’s not happy even if he tried to convince me otherwise’ Min-mi wiped her eyes softly.  The others moved, staring at the picture as each of the walked away with tears in their eyes, unable able to speak as Heechul remained seated. Jungsoo glanced over his shoulder at the frozen male who tried not to get his hopes up. They could see how desperately he wanted that picture to be of the one person he was waiting for but the fear of being let down. ‘Heechul-ah, we’ve found him’ Jungsoo smiled through his tears, sitting beside the other male as he handed him the picture. Heechul held in with shaky hands, mouth open but no words were able to come past his lips as he took it in. Min-mi was smiling in the picture, her arm around the waist of a tall and thin male. His fringe curled at the ends as it fell in his brown doe eyes, that cute little freckle under his right eye stood out like always. His cheeks were less round and more thinned but still had the faded pink acne scars. He had a gentle smile on his light pink but it didn’t reach his dark eyes, the ones that remained empty. Tears poured down Heechul’s cheeks as he gazed at it, ignoring the words and chatter of everyone as they tried to gather what information they could from Min-Mi but Heechul didn’t care. All he could see was the plea in the eyes staring at him from the photograph, the plea for someone to hold him and take away the pain. And suddenly forever was something Heechul could once again see.

                                                                                *

                    Kyuhyun woke to the sound of rain pelting the slanted roof window of his flat, a sound he’d grown to love in the last three years. He stretched, wincing as his bones creaked and cracked from lying on his side all night. He groaned, rolling over to bury his face in his pillow once again. He knew what awaited him outside of his cocoon of warm blankets. Winter’s in London included rain, lot’s of cold and an unending amount of snow once the rain was finished with. He’d always loved the snow but over here everything seemed to shut down once the snow got deep, snow meant Kyuhyun got more days to lie in bed and tinker away on the piano in the living room. It meant more hours spent watching drama’s online and keeping up with everything he was missing back home. Three years had caused a rift between him and the world he was so use to. Even with the amount of Korean Idol’s holding concerts in London these days, he couldn’t go meet them in fear of word getting out. He worked hard to stay in the shadows, to hide from everything he’d ran from. He’d built a life out of nothing, using what money he had to buy this flat and his experiences to get a job. Fans still recognized him, still came to his shows in the dingy little club his friend owned but they were loyal as always, vowing secrecy so they could hear their idol sing once more, even if his songs were no longer beautiful ballads about finding new love and meaning to life, they still listened as he poured out his soul into sweet sorrowful ballads.

          Kyuhyun closed his eyes, heart clenching as he remembered the day before. The crying and locking himself away like he had the two years before hand, the refusing to eat and pain that gripped his chest every year made him want to fall into an eternal slumber but he knew he wasn’t getting it as his bedroom door opened. ‘Marcus, come on, it’s past four o’clock and we need to get ready to leave soon, I need to go in early so you can come along with me’ Alex perched herself at the edge of his bed, tugging at the covers. Kyuhyun rolled onto his back, voice crack as he spoke, ‘Do I have to get up Lex, can’t you swing by later and bring me down?”. Alex shook her head, green eyes trained softly on the lump before her, ‘I wish I could leave you here to relax and destress love but I don’t want you to be alone after yesterday. Hell Marcus, last year you collapsed after convincing me to let you alone for the two days, I won’t risk it again until you learn to take care of yourself’. Kyuhyun sat up, ignoring the lump in his throat as he ruffled his hair. He knew she was worried; she was always worried about him even though she had a little sister to care for and put through school, she still made time to take care of him. She always made sure his fridge was stocked with food that was homemade and frozen, ready to reheat and healthy rather than the take outs he’d lived on for the first few months. It had been Alex that got him the interview with the record label and Alex that hired him for gigs at the club. She made his life easier; he’d never be able to repay her for everything she’d done for him. ‘It’s just hard….’ Kyuhyun whispered softly, playing with the necklace around his neck. Alex could feel her heart clench as he gazed at it with an expression of longing. She knew much he longed to see them all again, knew the reason he would never return, the betrayal he’d felt. It was a thing they’d bonded over, both having felt betrayed by life and people close. She reached over to touch his hand softly, eyes still on the slanted silver necklace that was shaped in a Chinese symbol, ‘I know it is love…go shower and I’ll stop by Sainsbury’s on the way to get some ice cream’. Kyuhyun smiled softly, giving her hand a warm squeeze before exiting the room.

                                                                                *

                    Kyuhyun felt the sweat drip down the back of his neck as he finished up the rock song, hand curled around the microphone stand as the fans screamed and danced, singing along with him. ‘Marcus! Marcus! Marcus!’ they chanted, some of them holding sapphire blue lights, others balloons, all of them screaming and reacting like they always did. They’d never stopped supporting him, always smiling up at him as he gave them his everything on the small stage. The first few times had been hard, Kyuhyun had always been used to big stages and sold out arenas with tons of lights and special effects but even on the tiny stage that just fit Alex’s guitar and Rory’s drums he could feel the rush. He nodded to Alex as she dragged up the stool behind him before motioning for Rory to exit the stage with her. Kyuhyun adjusted the microphone as the fans chatted excitedly, watching as Alex appeared again with Rory carrying a keyboard between them. They all knew what that meant.

                     Kyuhyun eyes scanned over the crowd as he flexed his hands, giving them a smile. He could see the excitement on their faces but what caught his attention was the group at the back. They hadn’t moved all night, hadn’t jumped or squealed but stood still, watching is every move. It was odd to see at the club as everyone danced here, even Kyuhyun had joined in the fun few times, getting into the rhythm of whatever under discovered band was playing. Often it was Alex’s own band that played, or groups of teenagers that really had talent. People that shared a dream that Kyuhyun could relate to, everyone here was a friend. Everyone who performed here went to each other’s gigs to dance along but these people stood in the shadows and observed, making Kyuhyun nervous for the first time in years. ‘All set Marcus’ Alex smiled, ruffling his hair as he scowled at her, causing the crowd to laugh. He smiled, turning towards them again as he rested his hands on the keyboard. ‘I have something new for you all tonight. Yes, yes, it’s another one of Marcus ballads but I need to sing this one at least once because there is someone I miss a lot that I probably won’t see again so this song is a reminder to myself of what I’m missing. It’s called ‘Missing Smile’. The crowd cheered before quieting down in anticipation as he closed his eyes, taking a deep breath before letting the lyrics slid from his lips….

‘When the stars in the sky pass me by,

I wonder about your smile,

Has it changed since I’ve gone?

Are you still moving on?

I think about the way it always reached those eyes,

Twinkling with an emotion that I let pass me by,

With each day that draws on,

I don’t know if I can go on when it’s getting hard to see,

When there’s no one to smile for

I’m a crash test dummy without a soul,

Wondering the streets with nowhere to go,

And my biggest fear right now is knowing it’s my fault,

I left you crying alone on the asphalt,

But I left my smile on the curve of your lips,

Sealed my fate with a smile and a kiss,

Lost myself in world of your eyes,

Now I find myself always missing your smile’

                     Kyuhyun let the tears roll down his face until they made it hard for him to sing. His hands freezing motion as the crowd gazed at him in silence, theirs filled with worry as they watched him stand. Kyuhyun threw them a shaky smile, raising a hand, ‘I’ll end it here for tonight guys, maybe I’ll be brave enough to sing it another night, thank you for being here with me as always’. The crowd cheered softly, chants of ‘Don’t cry Marcus’ erupting here and there as he walked off the stage and into the back where Alex was waiting. Her eyes filled with worry as the older all but threw himself into her embrace. Her hands rubbed at his back softly as he cried silently, hands clutching her shirt as they stood there. ‘its okay Marcus, its okay to cry and miss him, I’ m sure he misses you too’. Kyuhyun shook his head as he pulled away, hand tugging at his light brown hair, ‘They probably gave up by now Lex, I left them before they could leave m. They’d never forgive me and I can never go home again to ask them to’. Alex bit her lip as she gazed at her hands softly, ‘Kyuhyun…..’ Kyuhyun flinched slightly as she used his Korean name, the one he hadn’t heard since Min-mi had visited last month. A name he’d rather not hear. ‘They love you Kyuhyun so I think you should turn around right now’.

                    Kyuhyun gazed at her in confusion as she smiled, shoving at him to turn around. Kyuhyun gave her one last worried glance before fulfilling her request.  ‘Why are you acting…..’ Kyuhyun’s voice stuck in his throat as it tightened almost painfully, eyes burning with familiar tears of shock and pain. ‘H-hyungs….’ Kyuhyun breathed out softly, hands shaking as he stared at the twelve tearful faces in front of him in the cramped hallway. Alex placed a hand on his shoulder, smiling, ‘You can thank me later, there’s a van outside and everything to take you all to your place. Min-mi contacted me; everything’s already set up in your flat so go’. Kyuhyun nodded in a daze as she walked away, nodding at the group as she passed. ‘H-hyungs….it can’t. ’ Kyuhyun mumbled, pinching himself in confusion. Jungsoo chuckled weakly, stepping forward like the leader he always was. He took Kyuhyun’s hand in his own to stop the younger from repeatedly pinching himself. ‘Hey maknae-ah, we’ve been looking for you for a long time you idiot. And it’s not just your hyungs here’ Jungsoo smiled warmly, his own tears falling as he gazed into Kyuhyun’s brown eyes for the first time in three years as the younger studied him. ‘Yeah! Your one and only favorite dongsaengs is here too!” Henry laughed; smiling brightly as he all but launched himself into his Hyung’s arms.

                      Kyuhyun couldn’t stop the joy that spread throughout his body as he was all but squished to the other boy’s chest. ‘I missed you so much Hyung, don’t ever scare me like that again’ Henry spoke softly, masking his own sadness in Kyuhyun’s shoulder. Kyuhyun gazed at the others; they were all there smiling through their tears as they watched the scene unfold. ‘God I want to smack you right now Cho Kyuhyun’ Sungmin scolded, hands coming to pound against Kyuhyun’s chest weakly, ‘you just disappeared without a word you bastard’. Kyuhyun tiered again at his best friends cursing; Sungmin only used curses when he was seriously hurt or offended. ‘I’m so sorry Hyung, I’m sorry’ Kyuhyun sobbed, lowering his head. ‘Aish, this big baby!’ Donghee teased, reaching out to ruffle Kyuhyun’s hair, ‘You missed my wedding maknae, you better make it up to me’. Kyuhyun nodded, smiling as Ryeowook wiped his cheeks affectionately, ‘Our Kyuhyunnie must have suffered a lot, look at how skinny you are’. Kyuhyun lost track of the conversations as all of them fussed over him except one who stood slightly apart from them. His eyes meeting Kyuhyun’s were wet with tears as they gleamed with happiness, a smile on their lips as they just watched the scene unfold before them as the others scolded him and hugged him or complained about wanting food. Kyuhyun wanted to reach out, to ask him if he knew what he was desperately trying to convey in the song but he could tell by the other eyes that they’d have time.

                                                                                *

                It was four am before Kyuhyun moved to switch of his television, gazing fondly at the eleven men sprawled out on mattresses and blankets on his living room floor. Donghae and Hyukjae were wrapped around each other; one of Kyuhyun’s teddies shoved between them as they claimed to need something of the maknae’s to help them sleep in the strange country. Jungsoo was on the sofa since he was the oldest, the rest were sprawled half on top of each other in a tangle of limbs that was his family. A pair of eyes remained opened though as they followed him. Kyuhyun knew Heechul had been waiting for the members to fall asleep before they could talk, knew that his Hyung had so much to tell him. That he’d need to be reassured this was real more than the others were. Heechul had kept an arm around him throughout the three films they’d watched, only releasing him when either of them needed to go the bathroom. The others seemed to understand the unspoken rule that Kyuhyun was not going to be let out of Heechul’s sight for more than five minutes that he was never going to let the maknae go out of fear of losing him all over again.

                   Kyuhyun smiled, taking his Hyung’s hand as he led him away from the pile of limbs and into his bedroom, closing the door behind them softly. As soon as Kyuhyun turned from the door, arms wrapped themselves around the younger’s waist, a head landing on his shoulder. Kyuhyun let himself melt into the hold he’d missed everyday for three years, let himself grip Heechul’s shoulder blades gently with the intention of never letting him go. ‘You scared me’ Heechul spoke quietly, ‘You scared the out of me Kyuhyun. I didn’t know where you were or if you were okay. Three years. You could have been….been…’. Kyuhyun ran a hand up Heechul’s back softly, letting it rest in the soft hair at the base of his skull, gulping softly, ‘I’m fine. You’re fine. I mightn’t have been happy Hyung but I’ve been living, performing. But I missed you, I missed you so much Hyung but I thought you’d never forgive me for leaving like I did’. Heechul raised his head, hands leaving Kyuhyun’s waist to cup his cheeks. Heechul frowned at the way Kyuhyun’s cheek bones were more visible then they had been before but yet he was as beautiful as ever in his eyes. ‘I will always forgive you Kyuhyun because I gave up on being mad at you a long time ago. I just wanted you to come home Kyu’ Heechul admitted, gazing up at the younger softly. Kyuhyun gazed into those eyes, the ones that he could drown in and never complain. And suddenly with Heechul there, with him in front of him gazing at him with such tenderness he knew it was the right time.

                ‘I love you Hyung’. The words left his lips without any thought. Heechul’s eyes widened with shock before crinkling as the smile Kyuhyun had missed and longed to see was bright on red lips that were repeating the words back. Kyuhyun felt alive for the first time in three years as soft lips captured his own, setting off fireworks in his head. And somehow during the kiss he ended up in his bed with Heechul’s body covering his own, but Kyuhyun didn’t mind. He didn’t mind when Heechul pulled away with a smirk on his face, their lips swollen from kisses as he told Kyuhyun they’d have to wait a little longer until they could fully claim each other. Heechul laughed as Kyuhyun flared red with a blush and slapped him with a pillow. But it was worth it to feel that smile against his neck as arms held him close while sleep took over them, the tears and excitement of the day knocking them out as the sun started rise. They were content with letting the last three years disappear, falling into a rhythm that made it seem like they had never been separated, that it hadn’t been three years since that first kiss. Kyuhyun knew he wouldn’t cry anymore as he awoke to the sounds of a camera shutter going off and Heechul swearing to decapitate Hyukjae and Donghae for invading their quiet time as he pulled Kyuhyun’s body closer, nose nuzzling his neck softly. Kyuhyun knew he was where he was meant to be, his mistake had been erased and he’d never have to miss that smile again. He’d never get the chance to because he knew by the tight grip on his waist that Heechul wasn’t going to let him run away this time, and Kyuhyun wouldn’t have it any other way.