I wish I could stay, I really do, but there’s a time when goodbye needs to be said. 

Yang Yoseob,

You’ll never really know how much I love you, won’t you? Every single detail, I’ve learned to love. Every single flaw, becoming a perfection. Every single smile and laugh, becoming the rainbow after my rainy days.

You’ve always had the face of a magnae, making everyone want to protect you. They’d always be around you, making sure you were okay. They’d always have their hands on you, regardless of my pain seeing our member’s getting so intimate with you, especially Doojoon hyung.

You two were always together, much like lovers, even if it was only for fan service, did you even realize my bleeding heart? I guess not…

I always kept a distance, afraid to annoy or upset you. After all, you already get enough attention from the other members, right? It hurt, it really did.

I wanted you to myself, but you’d never see, you’d never know, you’d never care.

The day when we recieved news that the six of us were to debut, you shed tears of happiness. All your hard work finally paid off.

I was overjoyed myself knowing that we’d be in a band together, but you never realized my special feelings, didn’t you? The reason I continued all of these years of tears, sweat, blood, and pain is because of you, because of the chances I could work together with you, because of the chances I could spend more time with you.

You were always so clueless. You never even sensed my love for you, love far beyond what the other member’s feel for you.

I couldn’t help it anymore, I couldn’t keep these feelings to myself. Finally, I worked up the guts to tell Kikwang hyung all about it.

I remember that day. I still do, I always will.

We were in our dorm, each of us doing our regular activities.

I walked into the living room to see you sitting on the couch with your slim figure cuddled firmly close to Doojoon hyung’s embrace, his hands wrapped around your waist, your head resting on his shoulder.

I scoffed to grab your attention, and you looked back to see me there, wet from the rain. You immediately got up from the couch and ran towards me, worried I would get sick. 

"Dongwoonie! How’d you get so wet? Didn’t I tell you it was gonna rain? I told you to bring an umbrella! Aish, c’mon lets get you dried up".

With that, you dragged me into the bathroom and dried off my hair with the hairdryer, into my room to get me changed, then dashed into the kitchen to make me some soup.

You care for me don’t you? But you only care for me as a dongsaeng, nothing more. 

You told me to sit down on the couch and watch TV with Doojoon hyung as you made me some soup to warm me down. I dragged my feet towards the couch and plopped myself down, keeping a distance from Doojoon hyung.

I never disliked Doojoon hyung, I just felt... Awkward around him.

You came back with a bowl of warm soup in your hands and a blanket hanging from your shoulders. You set the bowl of soup down on the coffee table between the couch and the TV and you delicately wrapped the blanket around me, making sure I was warm. Then you sat down right between me and Doojoon hyung. I looked the other way, not wanting to see you and him, knowing it would just hurt me. 

After I finished my soup, I left you two there and ran towards Kikwang hyung’s room. I had to tell him about my feelings for you, or I might die from the pain aching in my chest.

I opened the door to his room to see him lying on his bed, reading a magazine.

"Dongwoon?" he asked.

"Yeah... Hyung, can I tell you something?" I asked.

He put his magazine down and patted the empty spot on his bed, inviting me to sit down beside him, so I did.

"Hyung, I kinda... Have a crush on Yoseob hyung...".

He didn’t seem so surprised, as if he already knew. He let out a sigh and looked me in the eyes, one hand on my shoulder. "I know Dongwoon. I think we all know, all of us except Yoseob".

My eyes widened knowing all of the members knew about my feelings towards you.

"He’s just so clueless. Doesn’t he realize that when all of us are surrounding around him, you’re the only one isolating yourself, backing further away? That should mean something".

I frowned. He was right, it was kinda obvious, but you still didn’t find out. 

"I-I... I just don’t know if I can hold it in anymore, hyung..."

He gave me a pat on the back as he walked towards the door and looked back at me, still moping on the bed. "You’re gonna have to tell him unless you wanna die from depression". The last sentence he said before he left the room, leaving me there to think.

He was right, I do have to tell you. Somehow…

I planned it all. I was going to tell you on your birthday.

January 5th, I left you a message to meet me at the park close to our dorm.

I waited helplessly until you finally got there, a wide smile on your face, happy to see the floating candles spelling your name that I set in the pond.

You ran towards me and hugged me tightly, saying your repeated ‘thank yous’.

I took your hand and invited you to sit down on a nearby bench.

Just as I was about to tell you how I feel, Doojoon hyung came running towards us out of nowhere, stealing you away from me. As you walked away with him, you turned back to face me and apologized.

Right then and there, I realized I needed to give up on you. I could never beat Doojoon hyung, could I?

I’ve always been depressed that day on, knowing that I could never have you, no matter how hard I try.

Then that day came.

The day the busy streets of Seoul never crossed my mind.

The day I just decided to cross the city’s streets when I wanted.

The day I was smashed into a building by a drunk driver.

The day my whole life flashed before my eyes, all I could see were images of you.

You are my whole life, but I’ll never be yours.

And today, I sit here on my hospital bed, my condition getting weaker, my blood running low, my heart still breaking. I write you this letter so you can know how I feel about you.

I’m sorry I could never tell you in person.

I’m sorry I never got to show you how much I love you, how much I could be a good lover.

I’m sorry, but I have to leave soon and I will never come back.

Can you just promise to remember me by?

Promise me you’ll read this letter from top to bottom.

Promise me you’ll keep this letter with you.

I’ve always loved you so
  But I could never tell
    It’s hard to let you go
      Knowing it’ll hurt more than hell
Please remember me by
  Don’t ever forget my love
    Just look up at the sky
      At the beautiful stars above
I’ll be your guardian angel
  I will protect you
    And when you think you’re not able
     I’ll be there to help you

Roses are red
  Violets are blue
    Don’t worry your little head
     I’ll always love you
Now the roses, I watch them die
  Now the violets, they fall apart
    It’s time for me to say goodbye
     Don’t worry, you’ll always be in my heart

-Son Dongwoon