Final

What if you’re not happy in heaven?

There were those times when I couldn’t help but wonder…

What if there was no life for death to take?

What was life? What was death? What was hell? What was heaven?

What if there was no heaven to create the thought of hell?

I hate you, Byun Baekhyun. I hate you for doing this to me. I hate you for doing this to us.

I knew it from the start. Something just wasn’t right. He made me believe things I shouldn’t have. He made me remember things that weren’t important – or at least to me, they weren’t. He occupied my mind all the time – he was everything I thought of.

We met down the same old alley where I used to walk to. I met him there unexpected. The night wind was still cold – it was still uninviting. No one wanted me. No one cared for me. I was just as useless as the stray cats that were abandoned there. But unlike me, they once had people who loved them.  The lonely kids reminded me of the orphanage. They said I needed to go since I was old enough to be alone.

Alone. How would anyone be old enough to be alone? No one should be subjected to that cold state where someone feels unloved. I am but a human – same as the children, same as the elderly. What right does a person have to tell me that I am old enough to be alone?

They don’t understand. People are cruel. They don’t look you in the eyes and say, “everything’s going to be alright”. They judge you and they talk behind your back. Sometimes I wonder what kind of humanity this is. What kind of sick joke is this?

I am a human, too. I am not perfect. I have my needs and I have my wants. By all means, I cannot please everyone. But I can choose to please the people I care about. Or maybe cared about – if it makes any difference.

I was walking down the cold place, shivering from what little clothing I was given with. They say I’m going to have to work hard to be someone who’s worth being loved.

Tell me, do I have to work hard to be loved? Am I not qualified as an object of affection? Not that I’m saying that I demand to be noticed. It’s just that I have the same rights as every other person in this place. And I believe that I also have the right to be loved – or as people commonly would perceive, I have the right to be respected.

People misinterpret love as respect. Maybe that’s why no one loves me. They just don’t think I’m worth “respecting”.

That’s when he came. He bumped into me and said, ‘I’m sorry.’ It was my first time hearing those words. No one had said sorry to me before.

I was frozen – he was looking at me straight in the eye as if he was waiting for an answer.

How odd. No one cared about what I had to say.

But this man – this man in front of me said he was sorry and it seemed like he was waiting for me to tell him I forgive him.

Those eyes stared at me – into my soul. I could feel him inside me. Something was definitely out of place. It was like he was studying me.

Young, foolish man. Don’t you know who I am?

‘I’m sorry. I’m Byun Baekhyun. You can call me Baekhyun if you like. What are you doing here? It’s cold,’ he took off his coat and gave it to me. No, don’t touch me.

I ended up staring at his hand. He was staying still. He didn’t look like he was disgusted with me. He didn’t look like he was some arrogant man who uses my state to mock me. He was offering me his coat on a winter night! Who does this?

I didn’t respond. Maybe that’s why he took the initiative to wrap the coat around me. His fingers brushed my shoulders and it made me shiver even more than what the cold air had made me. After he did, he smiled at me.

‘Don’t you think it’s too dangerous to be outside at this time?’ he asked. And as much as I wanted to agree, I know I couldn’t – I didn’t want to put myself in his level. He’s much higher than me. Or at least that’s how society would think.

‘Don’t you have a home?’

Home? An orphanage couldn’t be considered a home, right?

‘No,’ I whispered. For a moment, I saw his eyes soften at me. I think he was feeling pity for me.

His house was warm. Or was it because of the fireplace that occupied almost one-third of his house?

‘I like fire,’ he said in a childish tone. I didn’t even ask, yet he was telling me bits of information about him that weren’t even necessary. I would be gone tomorrow – why would he let me know things about him by then?

As soon as we stepped into the house, I shivered off what coldness I felt from the outside. Nights like these were the coldest – being alone in the streets at night with no one to run to. A stranger offered me help, and I wasn’t even sure what his intentions were. Yes, nights like these were the coldest.

It was rude to make it look like I didn’t like his house – thus, I shook my shoulders just lightly. He chuckled, ‘make yourself at home.'

Home.

It rang weirdly in my ears. It seemed like that word rolled off my tongue immediately even before I try to say it. It wasn’t a word made for me. Home was never in my vocabulary.

As much as I wanted him to take the statement back, he had already said it. And I must admit, I liked it.

I mentally slapped myself, I shouldn’t be thinking about such. I need to constantly remind myself – I didn’t belong there.

I put much to thinking: what if I asked him to let me stay a little longer? I knew I would have to swallow what dignity I had just to ask, but I can’t do any more, right?

I was lost. And he happened to find me.

‘A penny for your thought?’ he asked. My reverie was disturbed. It’s not like I minded though. His voice was growing in me. I wonder how long it must have taken for me to get rid of it from my system…

‘Dinner is ready, Julia,’

Julia? How did he know my name?

Certainly, no one had called me by my name. The last persons to do so were my parents. And note that they never called me by my name just for terms of endearment. They called my name when they needed something. If they didn’t need anything, my name was just as good as that rusty bicycle in our yard – always there, but never used.

I know I should’ve felt alarmed by all means. Or curious at the least. A stranger knew my name! And dear God, I doubt if it was a coincidence. People don’t just randomly mention names and they turn out to be correct. That’s why we have labeled people as strangers – they weren’t supposed to know who we are.

Did he really even know me?

Something was really comforting in his voice…

Maybe that was my fault. I grew too comfortable around him.

‘How do you know me?’

‘I just do. Now will you keep asking or will you eat?’

He motioned me to sit down – beside him. Why am I blushing while I take a glimpse on this account? He held my hand and tugged on it. Though the reason is still unknown up to now, I think he was trying to make me hold back his hand.

He smiled at me the whole time we ate. The food was so good. Or was it because I haven’t eaten for some time then?

Now, I don’t go hungry anymore. Ever since I’ve been accustomed to this white place, I haven’t even felt hungry. I lost all appetite since I got here yet I don’t recall ever getting hungry. I haven’t even eaten for days now.

But why do I feel hungry for him? His eyes. His smile. His lips.

Those lips…

He was friendly all the time we talked. I had asked him questions. But his reply always came in short lengths that didn’t really give much but suspiciously sufficed my curiosity of a certain matter. It made me feel like he knew a lot about me – or he just simply knew a lot.

It was like I’ve known him for ages. Something told me that I shouldn’t be talking to him – but something told me that I should. Sometimes my mind’s a blur and most times I get into trouble because of it. But I didn’t mind getting into trouble – if Baekhyun was around.

Baekhyun.

His name sounded so angelic. No wonder his face looked just as calm – just as composed and repose. His face still’s so vivid in my mind. Sometimes he’s all I ever see everywhere I look.

My first night was the warmest I’ve spent there. He made me sleep on his bed while he slept on the floor. I know how cold the floor was that time. I knew what cold was. Thus I invited him to sleep next to me. I was his guest – not the other way around. It was his bed to begin with. He hastily crawled next to me, with words, ‘I’ll sleep on this side’.

I didn’t quite understand though. Sleep on what side? As far as I know, beds don’t have sides. Or maybe that’s because I’ve never lain down on a bed as big as his? Beds in the orphanage were quite small for a person. Maybe that’s why I never knew there were such things as “sides”.

‘I’ll sleep here, you don’t have to worry,’ he said. For the second time, I didn’t quite understand where he was getting at. I didn’t worry. Why, was there anything to worry about him sleeping next to me?

Now, as I lay on a soft bed-like thing in this white place, I always find myself drifting off to memories of when I was with him. Sometimes it’s a wonder he’s all I think about when they clearly told me not to.

Who could ever resist such a beautiful thought? If he was deemed to be the only thing I think about, I’d be more than happy to oblige. They kept telling me he was bad for me, that he was someone with a bad mind. But helping me in my hours of need, I can’t bring myself to think that he’s bad.

They don’t understand him. They don’t know who he is.

He made me feel welcomed. He loved me. And I him.

I have known him for a month. Yes, he let me stay for a month with him. He told me he was alone, and that he’d be happy if I stayed. I know I was being rude, but I didn’t want him to be alone. So I stayed when he told me, ‘you can’t go. You’re mine.’

I was his. Oh how giddy I felt when he said those words. Some time in my life, I was useless. I was a nobody. And here he comes claiming me as his. I didn’t give him the permission to call me his, but I felt more than glad that he did so. I was so happy! Now I belonged to someone. Someone was actually noticing my presence. Now tell me, how can they call him bad? He was taking me into his humble home and I couldn’t refuse. The thought of returning to the empty streets made me shiver. The thought of him being alone without me made my chest lack air. I couldn’t dare leave him alone. Being alone doesn’t feel good.

So I agreed. He told me I was his and that ‘he had the right to call me his’. I didn’t know what he meant, but I didn’t care.

I walk around this white place, thoughts still lingering in the past. This place is so bright – sometimes it blinds me to the point where there were times that I actually forgot to think of him for a day! Oh, what does this place do to me? It’s taking the last memory of him that I have!

I meet other people here. We usually talk a lot about different things. Funny how they look – they look like birds but in human form. Do you even understand what I’m saying? They’re all in white – the people of the “further”. They say those who are in the “further” were the kindest of people that I could ever meet. They were perfect. Or so they were based on how the people here talk about them.

Perfect? For me, Baekhyun’s the most perfect thing I’ve ever seen. So why isn’t he here? They told me he can’t come here. They told me that he can’t be with me here, and I can’t be with him because he was “bad”.

Sometimes I can’t rid myself of the pity I feel for the people here in the white place. They can be so stupid sometimes. I think their concept of “bad” is a little askew. Maybe their points of views are crooked. Maybe they just don’t understand.

The “guardians” often halt me whenever I wander too far from the hall I’m in. They say that I couldn’t go outside the gates. They say I needed to stay here and that I’ll be happy here.

Happiness is subjective to the person feeling it. You can’t force a person to be happy nor can you tell him what happiness is and where it can be found.

They never listened to me when I told them I needed to go and find Baekhyun. Maybe they didn’t know who he was?

‘Baekhyun. He’s my lover,’ I would tell them a lot of times. But to no avail, they would just smile at me and tell me to ‘go and play with your friends’. They don’t understand. I have no friends! Sometimes it’s so frustrating when all they do is mock and tease me to go play with other people. Can’t they see I can’t play with other people? Baekhyun told me so.

He told me that, ‘you can’t play with other people the way you play with me. You’re mine. And only mine.’

Maybe they don’t know that. Baekhyhun and I used to play a lot. He used to tease me a lot, too. He likes to tease me. That’s what he says. ‘I love teasing you’ were his words to me whenever we play.

‘My child, you don’t understand a lot of things,’ that elder guardian would always tell me. I understand a lot! I am seventeen and I know a lot! Baekhyun has taught me a lot of things. Even a lot more than what they are trying to tell me!

He used to caress my hair. He says that I have such beautiful hair and that he loved it when he smells it. It smelled like snow mixed with strawberries and that ‘I smell heavenly’. Now my hair smells like it’s been exposed to the sun and the summer breeze. I don’t know if I like it though. I like it when Baekhyun tells me I smell good. I wonder if he’d still think the same…

He would often snuggle with me on his bed. The pillow barrier wasn’t there anymore during my second month stay there. He said that he couldn’t hug me with a pillow in the middle of us.

Sometimes when I have nightmares about the orphanage, he would be there to comfort me saying that ‘everything’s alright.’ See, at least he used to tell me those words.

Now, whenever I hear the people here tell me that ‘everything’s alright’, they just make it worse. I would just end up missing him more.

One day, as I was cleaning Baekhyun’s house, he told me that I would make a good wife. Can you imagine what I must’ve looked like when I heard those words? I must’ve looked ridiculous. I think I recall smiling like an idiot. And maybe I did.

He would steal the broom from my hand and take me to his room. And there, we would play. He made me feel good. Something about the game we always played made me feel good. Sometimes  he tells me that he wanted to hear me. But I think he couldn’t see that I was always so lost in his touch that I can’t utter a sound! Oh my dear Baekhyun, I’m sorry you’ve never heard me, whatever you mean by that.

He would always start the game by patting my head and down to my neck. He would touch his lips with mine, and there is where I would feel lost. I always accused him of dark magic, but he would just chuckle at me and tell me that he was just ‘that good’. If he was really a magician, he really was good, I tell you!

He would keep on touching my lips with his and his hand would touch my cheek. Sometimes I could feel my face burning, and I wonder if that was one of his tricks. His lips would then touch my neck down my throat. And sometimes I feel something cold trailing down my throat. But I didn’t mind since I always had my eyes closed. He always told me that ‘I taste good’. Don’t get me wrong, though, I’m not a food! I think that’s just Baekhyun being silly whenever we play.

He would take of my clothes. He always has this weird smirk on his face whenever he looks at me during our games and he said he liked it when I didn’t have clothes on. He liked it when he didn’t have clothes on, too! What a silly man indeed. I wonder why we didn’t have colds!

Maybe that’s because I felt hot inside rather than cold by the lack of clothing. Oh what he does to me.

He would then touch his lips everywhere in my body. I tell you, he has a thing for touching his lips everywhere! I could swear I felt my heart thump wildly against my chest. He always made me feel like I was running a marathon.

He used to look at me in the eye and tell me that I was beautiful. And I would say it back. He’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen.

He would then put something inside me. I can’t explain the feeling when something inside me churned whenever I felt him move. It was like he was ing something into me and it made him furrow his brows. Sometimes he would curse at me, and I wonder if I was doing something wrong or if I was violating a rule of the game. I would feel myself getting full. I don’t even know what I’m saying but I think I was feeling so full of something so good that I never wanted him to stop moving. He hits something in me and it made my spine tingle in pleasure. I would bite my lips shut. I didn’t want to be loud when we played. It would’ve been embarrassing if I shouted and moaned. It wasn’t ladylike.

He would keep on ing himself inside me. Sometimes fast. Sometimes agonizingly slow. But whatever he was doing, I felt so good about it that sometimes I wanted us to play that game all day long. But he gets tired easily and I do too.

I couldn’t quite recall when I hated that game. He told me that ‘we should play a game’. And oh how I hated that game! It hurt me! First I got embarrassed as he undid my clothes and then he did something to me for the first time and I swear tears automatically sprung out from my eyes! He told me that it was just the beginning and that I’ll like it in the future.

And I did. That game is so fun.

After he gets tired and when he ‘reaches his limit’, he would pull that something off of me and cold air would rush towards my womanhood. I didn’t even know he was there. He would lie down beside me and pull me into a hug. Our bare bodies would touch and I liked that feeling too. He would kiss my head and say ‘you’re the best’. I would feel pride swell up inside me when he says those words. It was like it’s only I who could do that to him. And I admit, I always felt happy to make him feel happy.

They say that I was a special case here in the white place. Maybe that explains why I am isolated from all the people my age. My room’s stationed next to the staircase leading to the further. They say that I was a special case because I didn’t know what happened to me. But they are wronged. I can clearly recall all that has happened. But they told me that I didn’t understand.

What was I trying to understand anyway?

They told me that one day, I was deemed to face Father. They say I was someone whom He loved ever since. Loved ever since? No one had loved me rather than Baekyhun! Father must’ve been wrong. I know He didn’t love me ever since. I’ve never even met him!

The elder guardians told me that they have kept an eye on me since I was conceived by my mother. They say I was born to be an angel – that I was deemed to be a guardian. Sometimes it sounds ridiculous as to how they seem to constantly remind me that I’m something that I’m clearly not.

How can I be an angel?

Baekhyun used to say things to me a lot. He used to tell me that I was someone special and that I was someone who was there to make him change. He never explained anything thoroughly though and even until now, I’m stuck with what impression those words impose on me.

People here in the white place don’t understand how much he means to me. They don’t understand that I can’t be apart from him.

I guess they don’t understand because they’ve never loved before! Maybe that’s why they keep on telling me that Baekhyun is bad and that I shouldn’t think of him much. Why would they try to change what I think of him?

Can’t they see I only see Baekhyun in a white light? They can’t make me see him differently.

Oh, how many times have they told me that Baekhyun was a madman and that I shouldn’t occupy thoughts of him anymore?

I have been here in the white place for ages, yet the memories of him don’t wary off of my system. They tell me I’m around a hundred and seventeen years old if I were still “down there”. That’s a hundred years since I’ve been away from Baekhyun! I wonder how he is. They told me he we were separated when we died. They told me he was further down below us – that he was in the presence of his own kind – of bad people.

After a few months of being in his house, he told me that he needed to tell me something.

I’m not quite sure what it was, since the guardians have purposely took off his words from my mind to clear up “negative thoughts”.

But I remember him saying that I was the only thing he’s ever been thankful for.

He looked up to me as he kissed my forehead that night – he looked at me with watery eyes and I wonder if it was because of the thing that had just happened between us. We got into a fight because the police tried to take me away from him. He locked me into our room despite the shouts of the men outside our house.

‘Open up or we’ll be forced to wreck this down!’ a man shouted. I remember being drawn to his embrace. He told me he’ll never let me go.

‘Open up!’

He clutched my ears with his hands and told me to not listen to the men. I didn’t want to anyway. I only wanted to hear his voice. He told me that I shouldn’t listen to what others say – that the words coming from their mouth weren’t important.

‘Don’t listen to them, they’re lying,’ he whispered. I nodded and buried my face in his chest.

People kept telling me that he was mad – that he was someone I should avoid.

Ha, like the guardians. I smile at the thought – how are people so close-minded about things?

‘He kept you for his own pleasure, Julia’ our neighbors would keep on trying to warn me, ‘don’t you ever wonder why he knew your name?’

‘Baekyhun,’ I called one night when I couldn’t sleep. He hummed and shifted his body towards me and smiled weakly.

‘What’s wrong?’

His voice was so soft. How could he be a madman?

‘The people said I shouldn’t be here with you,’

‘Ssh,’ he hushed me and pulled me closer and tighter. Maybe he was just scared to lose me?

‘They don’t know a thing,’ he whispered. My heart stopped. Maybe people were just that stupid.

‘They don’t know love, Julia,’ he said. Sometimes I wonder, did he know love?

‘You won’t understand, Julia, you haven’t loved anyone before, right?’ he asked, and I nod.

‘Can’t I love you?’ I ask as I felt him shivering. Something was wrong that night. He looked at me as if I was the one who was mad. He broke into a grin and hugged me tighter.

I remember the police’ voice outside our room.

‘Open up, Mr. Byun or we’ll be forced to take this house over!’

They were so loud. Can’t they see that Baekhyun doesn’t like loud people?

His grip around me tightened, and he pulled me even closer, ‘they can’t take you away from me.’

I cried. I remember crying. Was it because I was scared or was it because I didn’t want the police to take me with them?

He pulled out a gun and pointed it towards my head. I guess I shivered as the cold metal touched my forehead. I exhaled and closed my eyes. He told me he wouldn’t let go of me.

‘I have loved you ever since, Julia. Ever since,’ he called.

How could he have loved me ever since? I could feel my chest tighten and my tears were welling up in my eyes. He told me that he wouldn’t hurt me but he was hurting me with his words especially when I didn’t understand any of them.

‘You’ve changed me, believe me, you have!’ he shouted as he clutched his head and sat himself next to me on the floor.

Doors were banging outside but I couldn’t care. Beakhyun was crying in front of me! What else could I have cared of than the thought of wiping the pain away from his face?

He let out a soft whimper. He pulled me towards his chest and sobbed. Why would you cry, Baekhyun? Don’t waste your tears on me! It hurts me to see you like this!

‘I have cared for you dearly, and I know this is not the way I should do this,’ he said as he sobbed even more. What was he saying? They didn’t make any sense at all!

‘They can’t take you away from me,’ he whispered, ‘if the heavens can, please let them take you in. You’ve done nothing wrong, Julia.’

He pulled out a white feather from his back pocket. Where did he get that anyway? He placed it on top of my palm.

‘Julia this might sound weird but try to understand me, okay, baby?’ he smiled at me softly and tears pooled out of my eyes. Why was it like he was saying goodbye?

‘We can’t be together anymore. My time is almost up. I need to go back down. You need to go up. Oh dear God, take Julia up and forget about the bad things we’ve shared,’ he whispered. He told me he won’t let of me!

‘Julia, I’m not from here. I’m from down below. You won’t understand but please,’ he stopped for a moment as he cupped my face with his hands, ‘please don’t forget that I love you.’

He loved me. He loves me.

‘We may not be meant for each other but loving you has always been my weakness,’ he said.

He sounded so crazy that time and I wonder if what the people were telling me were true.

‘I already tried telling him that I love you, but he said I can’t,’ he stared at me and smiled.

‘But this way, I can’t hurt you anymore, okay? I need to do this. I need to go back down and I need you to go back up. Tell Father I’m sorry. Tell Father I’m sorry for betraying Him. Tell Father that I loved you dearly and that I will always be here for you.’

Now I think it makes sense why the guardians kept on telling me that for an angel loving a devil was considered evil.

I woke up, still in this white bed. I saw the others staring at me in concern.

Have they been watching me sleep?

‘You’re crying, Julia,’ my elder guardian said as she sat down on my bed.

‘Have you dreamt of Baekhyun again?’

I shake my head. I wouldn’t want to share my memories of him with them.

‘Call Father,’ she said and the two other guardians went out of my room. A few moments later, a man in white robes entered my room.

‘Hello, child,’ he said. His voice makes me shiver!

‘I see you’ve fallen in love with a devil,’ he said as he inched his way to my bed. His hand made its way to mine and he smiled at me lovingly.

‘You need to know that an angel-‘

‘loving a devil is considered evil,’ I continued. He smiled at me and patted my head.

‘But you didn’t know he was a devil, did you?’ he asked. I stare into space, and shook my head.

He mumbled something I didn’t understand before he let out a sigh.

‘You didn’t know you were an angel too, Julia. That’s why I accepted you here. That’s why you’re here beside the ladder leading to the further. That’s why you’re special,’ he said. Something about this man is weird. His voice is comforting but he hits me with his words.

‘Baekhyun was from here, Julia. He was. I sent him down to fetch you. Being in an orphanage for ten years isn’t pleasing, right?’ he asked. I nodded.

‘I sent him down to fetch you and to tell you to come home,’ he continued. His words were hitting me like a truck!

‘But he disobeyed me. He did.. things to you that weren’t supposed to be done,’ he said, his voice getting a little colder. ‘And thus he needed to pay the price of letting his own desire take over.’

I shook my head. I didn’t understand any of his words!

‘But you know what sets him apart from the other angels that betrayed me?’ he asked. I looked at him. He smiled at me and said, ‘he loved you.’

I sat in my bed still. I looked at Him for even more explanations though I doubted if I could comprehend to any of them.

‘He loved you ever since I told him to look after you. He loved you since the day I assigned him to be your angel. That’s why I think he did those things to you because he loved you so much it blinded him,’ the man said.

‘Angels are meant to be perfect, Julia. But they are humans still,’ he said. My mind was a blur and I couldn’t understand.

‘He sacrificed his being an angel so that he could gain a connection with you. Angels aren’t supposed to be attached to angels, Julia, same as angels aren’t supposed to be attached to devils as well.’

I looked around – guardians started to occupy a lot of space in my room. Father sat down beside me and held my hand tightly.

‘Now the two of you have a connection that this place and the place down below can never explain,’ he said softly. ‘It’s only between the two of you, Julia.’

Father looked at all the guardians and motioned them to leave the room. After they did, He sat down once again and sighed.

‘What Baekhyun has done was something no one has ever done before, Julia. You should understand this,’ he said. I nodded.

‘You are conceiving a child. Baekhyun turned into a devil the moment he claimed you as his own when in fact, you belong here, and not to him. Angels aren’t meant to be selfish, but he claimed you as his own. The connection you two share is so strong that even the mightiest of guardians cannot take it away from you.’

His words rang in my ears. What was he saying?

‘You loved him, Julia,’ he whispered. And that’s the only thing I understood in what He was saying.

‘It’s the most beautiful and most cruel thing of all since the two of you cannot be together.’

He stood up and turned to leave, ‘your love for him will remain as strong as his love for you – only magnified by the connection the two of you share right there inside your womb.’

He smiled and I could see the pity inside his dark eyes.

‘I’m sorry, my child, but Baekhyun is bound to be below and he has deemed you to be here. We cannot do anything about it. He has sacrificed himself so that you would be here even for the wrong you have done by loving him,’ he whispered. I could feel my eyes water up as his words left me with no hope of seeing Baekhyun again.

The burning inside my chest slowly became stronger and stronger as I take in the truth that had just been revealed. Had anyone experienced this before? The pain is so suffocating that one cannot simply ignore it and move on. Baekhyun was bound there below – separating the two of us for eternity.

One cannot simply let this fact slip – love had always been cruel to me! I knew it from the start! I was bound to get hurt all along! The pain's welling inside my chest and it is hard for me to breathe. Why would I be this hurt? What have I done to deserve this? What has Baekhyun done to make us both suffer like this? Love is blind they say. What can't fate see that we are but two beings subjected to love?

‘Father,’ I called, in which he turned at me with wide eyes – as if he had read my mind and he had known what I was going to say.

Baekhyun told me that I should be here – that I need to be happy here.

Baekhyun was wrong after all.

With sad eyes he asked, ‘what is it, my child?’ even though I already knew he had known what was bound to escape my lips.

‘Father,’ I breathed in,

 ‘What if I’m not happy in heaven?’

-END-