Title: Time and Time Again

Words: 3602

Pairing: Keo (Ken/Leo)

Summary: Jaewhan has a lot of regrets, but he hopes this time won’t be one of them.

Author's note: Yay for Keo. This was so interesting to write, I might just write more of them. If you squint you can see a dash of Leon.

 

 

In each lifetime, one of them remembers every lifetime that came before, but it’s never both of them at the same time.

Jaewhan doesn’t think he likes the times when he remembers them, but he would rather it be him than the other way around. It’s just painful, you know?

Sometimes Jaewhan watches the other go through his life so full of happiness, and Jaewhan almost doesn’t want to step in. He doesn’t want to mess it up this time, just like so many times before. But Jaewhan can’t stay away for long. He doesn’t want to, but Jaewhan just wants him all to himself.

But on those rare occasions when Jaewhan does find him perfectly happy, he doesn’t’ interfere.

Jaewhan holds himself back.

Jaewhan doesn’t want to be the cause of pain again. He knows he can be selfish and stubborn when it comes to his own life, but not when it comes to him. Jaewhan will take himself out of the equation if he sees it happening again. Because when he’s with him, Jaewhan has never been able to keep him completely happy. It never matters if it’s Jaewhan that is the one that remembers, or if it is him, Jaewhan always is the one fighting this. He either fought too hard to keep him close, so close that it hurts him, or Jaewhan pushes him away.

And this is why Jaewhan hates remembering, all the regret he manages to build up over the lifetimes comes bubbling to the surface the moment he isn’t there. But one lifetime haunts Jaewhan more than any other one.

He has tried to explain all of this to Jaewhan, whatever this is. He has tried to tell Jaewhan that every lifetime it’s like there’s a kind of pull they feel to each other, and, no matter how much he questions that feeling, all the doubt disappears the moment he sees Jaewhan. That he just knew then, everything was building up for it. The moment they met.

They were meant for each other.

But the Jaewhan then was terrified, he didn’t want his life to be preset. He wanted to be in control of himself. He didn’t want to be told that he was already pre-destined to fall in love with someone. That he had no control over that part.

That Jaewhan didn’t get a choice in that.

So he ran.

Jaewhan ran away from him. He ran away from the eyes that he refused to admit that he had fallen for from the first time he looked into them. Jaewhan ran away from him who was the exact opposite of what Jaewhan was in every sense. Him that in spite of that still fit Jaewhan so perfectly.

Jaewhan remembers that lifetime perfectly. Jaewhan remembers the look on his face when Jaewhan pushed pass him on his way out. Jaewhan remembers the stricken expression that he wore when Jaewhan told him that he wasn’t coming back. He knew he was breaking his heart, but it took a few years for Jaewhan to finally realize how much it broke his own heart as well.

He never looked for Jaewhan, but Jaewhan knew he wouldn’t. He wasn’t Jaewhan; he always gave Jaewhan a choice to stay or not.

Jaewhan never gave him that freedom, though. No matter how much he hurt him, Jaewhan would always pull him back. Jaewhan couldn’t live without him once he had him.

Jaewhan realizes how unfair that is now, and he’d like to think he has gotten better at letting him be free now. It’s just painful.

Besides, he isn’t the one who gives up. That’s always Jaewhan.

Up until that lifetime it always seemed to switch up who remembered, but since then for the most part it’s been Jaewhan. He guesses that’s his punishment. He screwed up; Jaewhan hurt him, so now he has to live with it. And Jaewhan guesses that it’s fine with him, to an extent. Jaewhan doesn’t really enjoy the idea of him reliving that feeling over and over. Jaewhan would rather relive his guilt himself.

And maybe Jaewhan is losing his touch in these past few lives. It seems like there had been one too many where Jaewhan only sees him in passing, but by the time it hits Jaewhan that it’s him, he’s already gone.

Jaewhan is so used to seeing him across the room and it just hitting him, because even if he has a different face in this lifetime, his soul is still the same. It’s calm and gentle, and Jaewhan can feel it reaching out for him.

It’s just recently that he has seemed to be just out of reach of Jaewhan, or already in love.

But Jaewhan doesn’t really want to talk about that. Flashes of red hair and a far too clingy man run through his mind as Jaewhan fights his way through the crowded streets of a rainy city. Jaewhan has tried to forget the small and almost unnoticeable smile the fitted his lips as Jaewhan passed the two of them that lifetime, but it’s always there. Reminding Jaewhan that he wasn’t the cause of that smile, and he hasn’t been in a while.

Maybe Jaewhan has forgotten how to make him happy.

And maybe that’s why Jaewhan has taken to just watching him at a distance, staying only as long as he can without him noticing Jaewhan. He knows that the moment their eyes lock Jaewhan will be lost. As much as Jaewhan promises that he will leave him alone, the moment his gaze meets Jaewhan’s he knows Jaewhan will disregard everything and force his way into his life again.

Jaewhan wonders if he ever regrets meeting him.

Sticking his hand into his pocket Jaewhan fishes out his cellphone. Without a pause in his steps, Jaewhan waits for the screen to light up, and he bites his bottom lip.

Dammit, I’m late.

Jaewhan has promised a friend that he will pick up her son from a daycare that she left directions for, and if he doesn’t pick up the pace and really start forcing his way through the crowd he is going to be seriously late.

In this lifetime he’s Jaewhan, and he’s a trustworthy and reliable and friendly man. Or that’s what he tries to sell to others. Jaewhan is really no different than he was any other time before. He’s still selfish and greedy, those traits have never faded, and probably never will.

What did he ever see in me?

Jaewhan never truly changes, just like how his motivation never changes either. The only reason Jaewhan came to this city in the first place was because he knew he was here; Jaewhan could feel it.

But is he going to do anything about it?

Probably not. It’s good enough for Jaewhan to know he’s in the same city as him. Jaewhan is okay with never actually seeing him.

Restraint. Jaewhan can only stay so far away. Plus, Jaewhan likes the city. Everything is so mixed up that he can’t focus solely on him. Jaewhan knows he’s here somewhere, but besides that Jaewhan has no idea where. Too many people to get a clear read on it.

Jaewhan can’t really tell if he likes that, but he tells himself he does anyway.

Sometimes Jaewhan wonders where this is all leading. Is there a reason one of them remembers everything, and the other doesn’t? Does that help them, or does it drive them further apart? Are they supposed to be together, or is it supposed to be like this? Them always circling around happiness together, but never touching it together?

Maybe they aren’t supposed to be together after all.

Those thoughts float around inside Jaewhan’s head more often than he likes to admit because no matter how much he pretends that he can stay away from him for his own happiness, Jaewhan knows he wants nothing more than to be there. Jaewhan wants to be the one who watches him throughout it all. He want to see everything, and Jaewhan wants to experience it all with him.

But he doesn’t deserve that. Jaewhan’s hurt him too much.

With a sigh, Jaewhan takes a step under the overhang that leads into the daycare before he slides down his hood and pushes his way inside. Shaking the water from the ends of his hair, Jaewhan, with tired steps, heads up to the front desk and waits to be received. It doesn’t take too long, and after the correction that no, Jaewhan is not the kid’s father, and an apology from the woman he is lead into the playroom.

With a twinge of guilt, Jaewhan notes that it is almost completely empty save for two kids and a few adults, but there isn’t really much he could’ve done. Work let out late, and today just in general for Jaewhan.

“Jaewhan!” the little snot-nosed bundle joy shouts from across the room before jumping to his feet and racing at full speed towards him. Jaewhan makes sure to put on a show of staggering backwards before straightening back up and patting him on the head.

Okay, so Jaewhan has a soft spot for kids. Blame it on him, he’s always had a soft spot for kids and Jaewhan guesses it just kind of rubbed off on him.

“How was your day, kid? Fun?” Jaewhan asks him as he bends down to meet him on eye level. He smiles so brightly and nods so fast that Jaewhan is little worried he might hurt himself, but then Jaewhan pats him on the head and smiles. “Glad to hear that, because my day .”

“Aww, you always say that when you work,” he says as he rolls his eyes at Jaewhan, and Jaewhan lets out a chuckle.

“That’s because this face is so cute that I shouldn’t have to put in a hard day’s work,” Jaewhan tells him as he straightens back up. “I’m too cute for this.” As Jaewhan stands up he feels something, a pull.

Just like so many times before.

Without a second thought, instinctively his eyes fall on another’s just to find him staring at Jaewhan. In that moment, Jaewhan doesn’t know what to say, he had spent all this time looking for him, but avoiding him at the same time. Jaewhan feels like he should apologize to him, but that would be stupid, right? He would only wonder why he has a stranger apologizing to him, and Jaewhan knows he can’t explain it without sounding like a crazy person.

Which Jaewhan isn’t so sure he isn’t anymore.

Jaewhan was expecting him to look away any second, but he still hasn’t yet. He keeps his gaze on Jaewhan’s for a few more seconds and just as Jaewhan is about to speak up until he parts his lips and the one word that comes out shatters everything Jaewhan thought he knew.

“Ken,” he speaks out in as soft but charged whisper, and Jaewhan is taken back to a pitch-black room with rumpled sheets that smell of .

In another life, Ken remembers how Leo pressed him back against a dirty spring mattress, but neither of them could bring themselves to care too much about it. Ken could see how Leo held him down with his bare hips as he sat on Ken’s thighs. The way Leo gazed down at Ken seemed promised him that if he didn’t stop it then, there would be no stopping it. Ken couldn’t bring himself too though. Leo’s hands tangled themselves with Ken’s when he showed no signs of moving from the spot. Leo knew Ken didn’t want it to stop. In a matter of seconds clothes were discarded and skin pressed bare against each other.

Heaven.

Or that was the closest Ken had even been to it.

They stayed in that room for countless days because neither of them wanted it to end, and every time was like the first time all over again. The way Leo held Ken down. The way he took control as he rocked into Ken. It was all new, but at the same time it was so familiar.

It was the same, everything was. The feeling, his movements, the promises, but it nothing to dulled the rush.

And every time Leo leaded down and pressed their bodies flushed together as he intertwined their hands above Ken’s head Ken knew he couldn’t take much more of it. Ken felt like if something didn’t happen soon then Ken would die, but then Leo would line his mouth up with Ken’s ear and the breathlessly soft whisper of his name was all it took for Ken to let go.

“Ken.”

But he’s not Ken anymore, he’s Jaewhan this time.

Jaewhan stares back into his eyes as his own widen in shock. Jaewhan can see the confusion he holds within them, but he can also see the recognition. Something is different.

He’s remembering something.

But Jaewhan is aware of the other sets of eyes in the room on them, and Jaewhan knows that this will have to wait. Because, he’s Jaewhan, not Ken.

“Haha,” Jaewhan lets out a chuckle as he looks around the room before letting his gaze come back to rest on him. “Actually, I’m Jaewhan,” Jaewhan tells him, but tries convey something different with his eyes.

This time.

“Oh,” he says with a sight undertone of disappointment until he seems to catch the traces of the underlining message. “I’m Taekwoon.” He may seem unchanging to others, but lifetimes together have taught Jaewhan to spot the questions in his eyes without him having to voice them. His appearance may change, but he never would.

What is going on?

Jaewhan gazes at him for a little longer, just drinking him up. It’s been so long. Until he tears his eyes away and shrugs.

Jaewhan really doesn’t know what is going on. This has never happened before, so Jaewhan has nothing to go off of.

He can only hope.

But before Jaewhan can say anything more, the tugging that he has ignored up until now grows more persistent.

“Jaewhan! I want to go home now!” With a sigh, Jaewhan nods slowly.

“Yeah, let’s get you home.”

As Jaewhan suits them back up to head out into the rain he notices that the others have told Taekwoon that he can go on ahead and leave as well. Jaewhan can’t tell if he is slowing down so he could spend a few more seconds with him, or speeding up the process to avoid it all together. But by the time they are heading out the door, Jaewhan tries to pretend that he can’t hear the rushed footsteps that seem to be trying to catch up, or the hushed calls of his name.

“Ken!”

Or his ious name.

Jaewhan doesn’t turn around to face him, but he does slow his steps so that Taekwoon can catch up. Jaewhan pretends not to notice how he only has one arm in his coat, or how messed up his hair has gotten in his chase.

“I told you, Leo. My name isn’t Ken, its Jaewhan.” Finally turning to look him full on, Jaewhan is confused by the look of utter shock on Taekwoon’s face before he realizes his own mistake.

“That’s not my name, but I remember you… I remember you calling me that,” Taekwoon mumbles out as he stares at his face and Jaewhan presses his lips. The first meeting is always the hardest. It’s always hard to get use to the new names while trying not call him by the old one. “I remember you, but I know I haven’t met you.”

“Uh… yeah.” Jaewhan always at keeping secrets from him, it never matters in what life.

Jaewhan can’t keep anything from him.

“I don’t understand,” Taekwoon whispers out as his piecing stare stays trained onto Jaewhan. With a nervous chuckle, Jaewhan raises his hand to rub the side of his neck while avoiding Taekwoon’s gaze.

It never matters when, that look always unsettle Jaewhan.

“Look, Leo- I mean Taekwoon. This isn’t really the place or time to talk about this,” Jaewhan says as he gestures with his free hand to the kid holding onto the other one, and Taekwoon seems to agree with Jaewhan as he presses his lips into a thin line. “But I will explain it some other time, I just don’t want him to get sick, and me get yelled at.” There are a few seconds of a pause before Taekwoon looks back up into Jaewhan’s eyes.

“But you will come back right?” he asks, and the insecurity in his voice breaks Jaewhan’s heart. He almost feels as if Taekwoon can remember everything, all the pain he has caused him again and again. But he can tell that Taekwoon is only just remembering the barest of details.

Jaewhan isn’t sure he wants Taekwoon to remember everything.

“Of course,” Jaewhan tells him as he lays a hand on Taekwoon’s cheek. “I promise I will be back.”

But there’s nothing holding him back now.

“Are you sure?” With a smile, Jaewhan pats his cheek before turning away to continue down the street again.

“I am,” Jaewhan says and turns around to wave at him one last time before calling out. “Besides, I’m looking for a new job, so maybe I’ll stop by in when I’m taking a break from the search.” It’s quiet for a few seconds when he turns back around until he hears a soft call answering back.

“You can’t run away from this, you promised.”

Jaewhan can’t help but smile at that, now he knows there’s no running away from this. He finally feels like the heavens are giving him a break, and he’s going to try his damn hardest not to mess this chance up.

And hopefully never again.

“I’m going to try and stop that habit,” Jaewhan calls back as he turns to walk backwards so that he can keep his eyes on Taekwoon. “I don’t plan on running away ever again. I just hope you’re ready for that.” Just for some extra flare, Jaewhan makes sure to throw in a wink. He almost had to physically stop the laugh that came with the sight of Taekwoon cringing.

Taekwoon is almost too cute for his manly appearance and Jaewhan thinks that should be illegal.

“Tomorrow then?” Taekwoon tries again, and Jaewhan can’t blame him for trying to have a set date. All of this must be very confusing for him, and no matter what his vague memories tell him Taekwoon knows for certain he doesn’t really know Jaewhan.

He was always the more careful one of the two.

Pausing his steps, Jaewhan sighs and lowers his head. He wants to push this off for a few days so that he can at least try and think of a way to explain this all, but he knows that won’t happen now. Taekwoon is asking him for tomorrow, and Jaewhan knows he can’t say no. He’ll go, even if he isn’t ready for this.

Jaewhan guesses he’ll just have to wing it.

But then again, maybe that will work better. Taekwoon can ask his questions, and Jaewhan will answer them. He has no reason to lie, and nothing to hide.

Jaewhan just hopes that Taekwoon will like his answers.

“Sure, okay,” Jaewhan says as he lifts his eyes to meet Taekwoon’s with a smile. “What time do you take lunch?” And this time Jaewhan really does smile at the lack of hesitation in Taekwoon’s answer.

“One-o-clock.”

Has Jaewhan always been so struck by how cute he finds the other, or is it just this life?

“Okay, one-o-clock,” Jaewhan repeats as he smiles and waves. “I’ll be there for sure.” As Jaewhan presses on down the street he can’t help but glance back just once, he is a little worried by the lack of response but smiles at what he sees.

Standing where Jaewhan left him, Taekwoon runs his hand through his hair and shakes the water that collected at the ends before pulling up his forgotten hood. After running a hand over his face, Taekwoon stuffs his hands into his coat pockets as he turns on his heel and heads off in the opposite direction than the way Jaewhan is heading. As Jaewhan turns away again, he shakes his head and tries to suppress the little grin that is brought on by Taekwoon’s actions.

This is seriously ridiculous, why is this hitting Jaewhan so bad now?

Whatever the answer, Jaewhan only knows one thing. He is most definitely going to visit Taekwoon on his lunch break tomorrow, and he’ll have to hold himself back at least a little. Because even if Jaewhan doesn’t want to think about it, the fact of the matter is that Taekwoon hasn’t shown any kind of physical attraction towards him, and he doesn’t want to confuse him anymore than he is already.

It’s one thing to remember a person that you’ve never met, but it’s a whole another mess when said person tries to jump you. So until Taekwoon tries to breach that boundary, or questions it Jaewhan is going to keep this strictly “friends.”  

Jaewhan senses that he’ll have plenty of stress in his near future, but the sad thing is that he’s completely willing to accept it as long as he gets to see Taekwoon.

God, Jaewhan sort of wants to cry at how much of a er he is for this guy, but he doesn’t regret it.

Jaewhan is ready for this. Whatever this is.