Minseok slammed the door to their bunker seething with anger and disappointment. Jongdae was always like this arrogant, crude, quite frankly an that more often than not overstepped lines no one else would dare cross. We aren't talking about just toeing over the line either, no Jongdae ing leaps. After all they'd been through together and he still acts like a prick. 

"Why do you have to be such an all the time?" Minseok hissed at him "Seriously! It's no one's fault Luhan is the way he is, least of all Luhan's. You always do this. You undermine him and god knows why, he is just as important as you or I to the group. Sometimes I feel like you just enjoy pissing Sehun off all the time." 

Jongdae said nothing instead opting to stare at the pristine white tiles on the floor which in turn stared back taunting him for his selfishness and holding him prisoner. Even if he wanted to retaliate he hadn't the words. He knew he was in the wrong as soon as he'd said it. The way Sehun's hands closed into fists, knuckles white. His eyes and turning from honey gold to black in less than a second. Sehun's explicit anger was enough to make everyone in the room uncomfortable. In spite of that being a distraction he didn't miss the slight frown on Kris's forehead and the downcast almost heartbroken expression Joonmyun wore as Jongdae's words ripped into Luhan. Perhaps it was alienating being so prejudice and he hadn't stopped to think about how Luhan maybe felt. He always wrote him off as too mentally unstable to care but perhaps he was hurting him too. Maybe all he did was hurt people, it would explain why Minseok is ranting at him right now with accusatory statements and maybe just maybe he thinks he deserves it. Because intentionally or not he thinks he may have just damaged Luhan even more. 

"You can't say anything, you can't even look at me! After everything we've been through together, after I constantly pick up the pieces for you. I can't understand how it always comes back to this how much you hurt the people around you. It breaks my heart Jongdae you break my heart over and over" Minseok starts to sob "Why do you hate Luhan so much, why can't you focus on helping him heal instead of acting like he's damaged goods. Can't you realise how cruel and dehumanising that is? You know the torture each of us have been through. You have your scars. His erratic behaviour are his so how dare you make a mockery of his psychological torture you monster!" 

He regretted saying that word as soon as it flew out of his mouth. It was like a punch in the stomach watching Jongdae's stoic expression contort to indescribable pain and heartache. No Jongdae wasn't a monster, the people that haunted his dreams were the monsters, the people who shoved him in a freezer for two days, the people who relentlessly electrocuted Jongdae for hours on end, the people that mentally tortured Luhan. They were the monsters. His heart breaks once again because he knows Jongdae will hate him for this. 

"J-Jongdae I-"

"I think we're done here"  Jongdae cuts his elder off before standing up from his bunk bed. Silently he heads towards the door. Minseok hears the latch click softly leaving him to dissolve into tears at his own selfish misery and anger. 

---- 

Jongdae went to Joonmyun first lightly knocking on his bunker's door. 

"Joonmyun?" 

"Ah Jongdae" he smiles "hello what can I do for you?" Joonmyun doesn't miss the tortured look in Jongdae's eyes. 

"Am..." Jongdae hesitates "A-Am I a monster?" He stutters out nervously, scared of what the answer was going to be. He assumed it would be a yes after all the terrible things he's said over the years. The fact he had become embodied with hate, the fact he had become similar to the very people that caused his demise tormented him.

"Jongdae?" Joonmyun's eyes widen in surprise and concern "Of course not what makes you think that?"

"Nothing really just after my latest outburst over Luhan and all I've been doing some self reflecting... A-and I've realised I am wrong about him... it makes me feel like I'm an awful person... like I've kicked a puppy. After all this... we should be closer and I'm creating this divisive barrier between myself and everyone and it's having a negative effect on me... " 

"Let me tell you one thing and make sure you're listening... you are no monster. Of course you are always a little too hard on Luhan for something he has no control over, but Jongdae we all understand and appreciate what you've been through too well... we all are bitter, angry and twisted in our own way we all express it differently but that doesn't mean it isn't there. Even Sehun understands that. Plus no one ever said Luhan wasn't a handful because he is but he's also suffering... badly and we all want to help him. Just like we all want to help you. No one blames you for this because, it is hard, it always will be. We will always be tormented by these demons, but-" Joonmyun paused tears in his eyes "Jongdae we have to learn how to forgive, to open our hearts again. For if we don't it means that they have triumphed over us. They would have succeeded in making the hollow soldiers they intended for us to be. We can't let them win." 

"I-I've just been hurting for so long... I'm not sure I have any humanity left" 

"Trust me" Joonmyun smiled "There is plenty left, we both know that"

Jongdae thanked his friend and leader before exiting the bunker. He knew what he had to do next and his heart was full of dread because what if Luhan and Sehun didn't forgive him? Would it send him on the path of self pity and misery, or would it etch the hatred he felt deeper into his skin. To be honest he was terrified to find out. 

---- 

"Oh it's you" Sehun drawled with sweet sarcasm as he opened the door to Jongdae "What the do you want? Don't you think you've done enough damage this week?" He hissed seething with anger. 

"I-I-" Jongdae heaved a sign and Sehun could tell he was on the verge of hysteria, something he had seen and witnessed far too often. Perhaps he was too busy immersing himself in all the hurtful words and glares Jongdae enforced on the rest of them, when instead he should have seen the signs of Jongdae's own mental instability. For this maybe he will never forgive himself but at least he can forgive Jongdae. 

"I came to apologise..." Jongdae said finally. His voice was shaking as were his hands "Will you please just give me a chance to talk?" 

"I guess so" Sehun said cautiously but Jongdae noticed the harsh bite to his voice was gone. 

"Thanks" Jongdae said relieved as Sehun opened the door wider to let him in. He looked around taking in the bunker in front of him. Unlike his own Sehun and Luhan had took it upon themselves to cover the room in colour, much akin to the parrot like hair Sehun had donned for a full month after his first augmentation when he had no control of his hair or eye colour. 

He looked onward to see Luhan sitting crossed legged on the bed staring at Jongdae- somewhat fearfully which made him wince inside. It was never his intention to make another human feel scared of him of all things. 

"Oh Jongdae..." Luhan murmured whilst staring at Sehun intently "How can we help?" 

"Luhan love, Jongdae would like to speak to us about what happened earlier today" Sehun said carefully and quietly 

"Earlier today? Oh... that's... oh okay" 

"Luhan..." Jongdae choked a little "I know I haven't been the nicest person in the world to you... in fact I've been rather awful really.. I wanted to say I'm sorry for my prejudice. I have said so many despicable things to you over the years and I want you to know that is not your fault but mine. All this time I've become embodied with hate and anger.. for what has happened to me, for how my life has consisted of nothing but misery and... most of all intense pain... inescapable pain."  Jongdae paused for a moment his eyes clouded with distress. 

"I know I took that out on you and perhaps I'm like this because how you act on the outside is how I feel on the inside... and I hate it. I want it to disappear. I think that is why I had this unjustified bitterness for you... because you remind me of myself... I'm broken... and I know you are too we all are. I just so badly want to be fixed and I see you expressing just how broken you are to the world-" tears are falling from Jongdae's eyes now and Sehun softens his gaze towards him as Luhan stares eyes wide for there were no words to explain the touching explanation for all the pain Jongdae had caused to those around him. It was a silent plea for help and it went unnoticed for years. Luhan hates to think of Jongdae suffocating in misery for all this time and instead of the help he desperately needed, he was ignored, seen as cruel. 

"I so desperately wanted to be able to do that but I couldn't. I guess I just unleashed my own anger and self loathing as a personal and cruel attack on you... I just want you to know I'm sorry... and that it's my fault and no body else's" 

"Monster..." Luhan murmured his eyes confused "he called you a monster didn't he" He said softly 

"W-what?" Jongdae gasped his head turning abruptly from the floor to Luhan's face. "You know that?" 

"They didn't give me telepathy for nothing you know... you are normally pretty good at clouding your thoughts though" Luhan smiled gently "I want you to know I don't think that, no one does, Minseok was just angry you know how he gets" 

"Yeah" Jongdae sighed "he said it with such conviction though.. it was accusatory.. anyway I didn't come here to talk about Minseok, this is about you Luhan and I'm sorry. I'll always be sorry" 

"Oh Jongdae" Luhan reaches up to give him a hug "You must know I always forgive you. Even I know I'm crazy... we're all trying to do our best in this twisted world that includes you." 

"I think I need your help to become whole again" Jongdae whispers "I will never forgive myself for making a mockery of your pain." 

"But you must forgive yourself if you're to heal" Sehun added "you must know your pain mirrors Luhan's and you can't torture yourself for that" 

Luhan nods in agreement "and no matter what anyone else says you're not a monster Jongdae, we never thought you were even on your bad days. That I promise you" 

"Thank you" Jongdae mutters into Luhan's honey blonde hair a twisting feeling in his stomach, he also felt his knees were going to give out on him most likely from the relief of unconditional forgiveness and the knowledge that perhaps he was worth something after all. "Thank you, thank you, thank you" 

"You know I'm always there to help you when you feel you can't go on." Luhan said softly the other's back. 

"We both are" Sehun mused from his position leaning on the bunk post "But seriously hands off my boyfriend" 

"Sorry! So sorry!" Jongdae bowed making the other two laugh "I'm going to go now, but thank you again I mean it from the bottom of my heart no matter now small and cold it may be of this moment" he managed to crack a small smile. 

Luhan and Sehun watched after him as he left. 

"You know I'm amazed at how much personal growth Jongdae has experienced in these 24 hours. It's more than I've seen in years" 

"Yeah" Luhan replied frowning slightly "I'm a little worried though" he admitted turning to his lover "Something has really struck a chord with him... after Minseok called him a monster... I think that's truly who he thinks he is... I mean everyone else knows he didn't mean it but Jongdae... he's like me... " 

"Mmm" Sehun mumbled as he sat down on the bed "somehow I feel that's a sacrifice to be made on Minseok's part.. But who knows Jongdae has surprised us more than once but hey don't worry about it, worry about yourself" 

"Okay..." Luhan replied absentmindedly "okay." 

---- 

"Jongdae.. can we.. can we talk?" Minseok approached him slowly and Jongdae suddenly recoiled into himself as Minseok walked closer to him. 

"Now isn't a good time Minseok..." he replied slowly "I-" he stopped as his mind became clouded with pain and the words Minseok said to him "no, no we can't talk" he finally garbled "I just don't want to right now" 

"At least tell me where you're going" Minseok called out painfully to Jongdae's retreating figure. 

"To see Luhan" 

---- 

"Baekhyun I've done something wrong...Very wrong” Minseok said to the other during their training session “I really don’t think Jongdae will ever forgive me” 

Baekhyun raised an eyebrow “Since when should anyone be begging for forgiveness from him? Isn’t supposed to be the other way round?”

“No” Minseok sighed “Not this time..” 

“Why what could you have possibly done to make Jongdae angry?”
“It’s more than that” Minseok said exasperatedly at his friend’s stunted emotional response “I really think I broke his heart… In a way that can’t be fixed” 

“So you rejected him, that’s not that awful Minseok, give yourself a break he’ll get over it in time” 

“No Baekhyun you don’t get it.. I-I called him a monster” 

“Oh” Baekhyun muttered looking taken aback “Oh.. In that case..” 

“I know it’s awful isn’t it, I told him the very thing he despised to hear the most and what’s even worse is that he didn’t even retaliate he just sat there and took my abuse and I knew I should have heard warning bells ringing when I was ranting at him and he was silent. I know he’s an but it’s not his fault and I should have known that” 

“Look.. Min I’m not saying what you did was right because I’m not going to lie that would break Jongdae in more ways than one… I know he goes off at Luhan all the time but surely you see that is an extension of his own mental problems. If it weren’t he’d have me to answer to. I don’t let him get away with it for no reason you know… Neither does Sehun..” 

“I knew you’d say that and I know… I just can’t help myself I just let it get to my head and all of a sudden I’m shouting and screaming at him and I have no control..”
 
“Think of the positives that have come out of it” Baekhyun reasoned “Jongdae has finally reached out to Luhan for help, isn’t that great?” 

“I’m not saying that it’s not” Minseok sighed “I know it’s selfish but I miss him… I miss having him near me, I don’t know I think I’m really going insane because I even miss him being a self entitled ..” 

“Well…” Baekhyun said thoughtfully “I suppose in the end… No matter how corrupt and desolate this world seems to appear… Love triumphs all and I believe no matter what you two are going through right now.. It’ll be okay because even an imbecile would be able to see the passion that burns between you burns like a goddam wildfire” 

“I’m not sure that made me feel better but thanks Baekhyun” Minseok gave a wry smile

“- you know I’m not good at this emotional bull seriously ask Chanyeol. I literally think he wants to burn me to ashes sometimes… If it makes you feel better I’ll talk to Jongdae for you. Now come on show me what you’ve got ice man” Baekhyun motions for him to continue training. 

--- 

“Yo Jongdae” Baekhyun approaches him in the complex’s library 

“Oh hi Baek, what’s up?”

“Your boyfriend that’s what’s up”

“Sorry who..?” Jongdae creases his eyebrows confused “If this is a prank I really don’t have time for it” He turns back to the book he was reading.

“For s sake Jongdae” Baekhyun groans and throws the book away 

“Hey! Might I remind you that the library is a place for quiet relaxation and you just threw the great work of William Shakespeare on the floor.” Jongdae frowned, Baekhyun was always brash like this. 

“Look I’m sorry I didn’t mean to tear you away from your spare time… But seriously you have to talk to Minseok” 

Jongdae frowned even more and Baekhyun didn’t miss the way Jongdae’s eyes became misty and his body became stiff and rigid. 

“Why would I talk to Minseok? We don’t have training till Friday” 

“You and I both know why” Baekhyun hissed “He’s miserable Dae, like I mean surely… You've noticed" 

"Of course I've noticed but what makes you think it's my fault" Jongdae said defensively "I'm trying to do what's best for both of us in spite of what you might think. I'm trying to heal... I-I even put things right by Luhan.. I just don't want him to be caught in this crossfire of me being manic and suicidal but also trying to heal. Like I finally understand why I was so angry at Luhan all the time and it's because it was like looking at a reflection of my internal self.. like a mirror and I just wanted to smash it. I realise now that because of that I've hurt other people who have nothing to do with my inner turmoil. I don't want to hurt another person I care about. Surely you understand that Baekhyun.. plus well you know I think despite what he says he still thinks I'm you know..." 

"A monster?" Baekhyun raises his eyebrows "I mean you could do with a haircut but you don't look hideous... you got nice cheekbones nice eyes yeah you're not an ugly guy- anyway to my actual point which is that of course Minseok doesn't think that you imbecile he just gets angry a lot especially at you. I do admit he probably wanted to hurt you but that doesn't mean he meant what he said. Plus your fights are always fiery like that I'm sure he's called you worse before. I'm not taking his side here you know" Baekhyun softened as he looked at Jongdae's sagged shoulders "He pulled a move because he knows how sensitive you are to that word and it worked. I think he regrets it more than anything in this world. You know more than anything he loves you dearly, he's always picked up the pieces for you when your world is falling apart." 

"I hate that you're right you know" Jongdae sighed "look I'm trying okay I'm just working up to it- I still can't face him I'm too ashamed and I don't have the words to talk to him anyway there's nothing there. You know this isolation has emotionally stunted me"

"Trust me you're not the only one and hey why don't you just do it as a favour to me? Because I'm going ing insane listening to your boyfriend cry all the time like I'm pretty sure that's my showing empathy and emotion quota for the whole year which is a pity for Chanyeol so just do it? Please?" 

"I'll do it soon Baek, when I'm ready I promise"

"Well gee okay thanks" Baekhyun playfully rolled his eyes "Also dinner is at six thirty... Jongin's rostered on to cook though so prepare your gut in advance" 

"Well that sounds like a recipe for disaster" Jongdae laughed as he waved goodbye to Baekhyun and bent over to pick up his book. 

It's time to face your fears Kim Jongdae. 

---

As it happened in his own time turned out to be whenever Minseok felt like it and as a result Jongdae is now situated in an awful position. 

Stuck. 

Stuck as in stuck in their room with the door iced shut. Escape was impossible.   

"Why are you doing this Minseok?" Was all he said exasperatedly sitting down on his bed "I don't understand what you're aiming to get out of this" 

"Jongdae listen to me!" Minseok shouted "I am losing my mind here, like actually going insane!" 

"Look I don't want to have this conversation now-" 

"But that's just it!" Minseok wants to scream "you never do, you haven't even given me the time of day! I feel awful about what I said to you and I'm desperate to take it back and the fact that I can't is devastating" 

"Is it devastating because you can't live with your guilt? Or do you actually feel bad about it because honestly Minseok I'm not sure!" Jongdae replied, deep down he knew Minseok didn't mean what he had said it was just some careless lashing out in anger not just at him but at Minseok himself as well. It was hard because through all of his own invisible pain he knew he was causing hurt to his closest friend too. It was hard because for some reason he couldn't get past the word monster, it would echo over and over in his head he could hear Minseok's voice accusing him repeatedly and it was more than he could take. Perhaps it was just another sign of his craziness, of his mental Instability. However words always reflected thoughts which means that at some point in time Minseok really had thought he was a monster. The reality of it all was that Jongdae couldn't bear the knowledge that the person he cares for most despised him enough to call him what he considered the people on the outside. That's really what hurt and he couldn't face it. He didn't want to face it because with that knowledge he would always be reminded of his mistakes. He would always be reminded to not let himself slip into his tyranny. 

"Jongdae you know I feel bad, it's eating away at me. I wasn't thinking straight I was just blinded by anger and I let my emotions get ahead of what you needed and instead of helping you I just hurt you deeply." 

Monster. After all it's just another word, a noun. Nothing extraordinary or special about it. At most it's just another insult much like the rest. Not to Jongdae. He had been trapped in this institution since he was fourteen. Basically a child. He was tortured before he'd even hit puberty. In this institution Jongdae learned where the lines between physical and mental pain blurred. For a long time that's all he would feel, pain. Pain from the electrocution, pain from the exhausting training regime. It was eating him up and then the nightmares started. The scientists and guards would manifest themselves as grotesque creatures in Jongdae's dreams. Every night the other eleven boys would hear Jongdae howling in his sleep. "M-monster, save me from the monsters". The harrowing thing was is that no one could. He was often locked into his sleep not even Luhan could save him from his nightmares. They could only wince and close their eyes hoping and hoping for sleep as Jongdae cried into the night. After the nightmares had been going on for a month straight Minseok would climb into bed with Jongdae and comfort him while he dreamed, whispering sweet words into his ears and gently rubbing his back. Eventually the howling became less frequent and almost stopped completely. That was four years ago and the physical torture at least was over. 

"I know... just the fact that you said it though... I can't- I just- " Jongdae closed his eyes frustrated "I owe it to everyone to not forgive myself for letting anyone even considering to call me that ever again. That means not letting go of what you said"

"No Jongdae it was me who made that mistake don't you see? It was my fault. I wanted to hurt you I didn't really mean it. Not in my heart. Please just come back to me, at least stop sleeping in Joonmyun and Yixing's bunker. I want you with me"

"Don't you get it Minseok? That episode like that was only the beginning. I can't risk hurting you again and I can't risk you hurting me. Regardless of whether you need to or not." 

"Jongdae goddamit I love you!" Minseok shouted tears beginning to form "I've loved you for years and I think we've already broken each other's hearts a million times before today so please." He takes a garbled breath "please just come back" 

Perhaps it was time to just surrender to the yearnings of his heart. Jongdae supposed there would be plenty of ugly fall out along the way. They could deal with it though. They always have. 

"Okay" Jongdae replied standing up "I'll stop sleeping in Joonmyun and Yixing's room" he stood up walking towards Minseok stopping right in front of the other's face. There was a minute of silence before Jongdae slowly bent down to leave a light kiss on Minseok's cheek. "Dinner is at six but yet again Jongin is cooking so make of that what you like. I'll be in the library if you need me so please get rid of this ice" 

Minseok guessed that was a signal Jongdae didn't want to talk about the matter anymore. Maybe that was okay. It wasn't right to push Jongdae into more than he could handle. He knew whatever had broken between them could be fixed over time. That knowledge was enough for Minseok because he knew they would be okay as in the end love prevails. 

No one that evening missed the sparks appearing near Jongdae's heels as he walked that night. 

--- 

A/N 
Kinda switching up the structure here. Instead of chronological I'm just writing stories within this universe.