_••_••—definitions—••••

 

Love is not a four letter word.

 

Soojung clearly remembers what Bomi told her when she tells her she thinks she might be inlove.

 

Soojung didn't understand it at first, because truth to be told, the word love has four letters.

 

But then she watches as her mom finds another man three long years after her father died, and she talks to her mom saying she hates it because no one can replace her dad. Her mom cries in front of her telling her she would understand it one day and her new soon to be dad is not and will never be the replacement.

 

He will be another part, another dad, another source of love and another person to give love to.

 

She watches her mom walk down the aisle and his father to be waiting at the altar and he is smiling and Soojung finally understands.

Love is accepting. Soojung thinks so because a single individual who would want to take care of another individual who already had a family, to say bluntly, not at all pleasant. You'll be taking care of daughters whom you know the blood that runs within them isn't yours. Still, you always make an effort for them to adjust and offers them smile every morning in breakfast and kisses you goodnight even though you refuse them none too gently at first meeting—

 

"Goodnight baby."

 

"Dad.."

 

"You are still a baby so long as you're not married. Isn't that what your daddy and mommy always said?"

 

"Yeah.. Daddy told me that."

 

"I love you."

 

"Love you too."

 

—and still love you unconditionally like you are their flesh and blood.

 

 

 

 

Jongin has the impression of a bad boy. Tall, tanned skin, too charismatic for his own good, dances so well everyone falls for him. And so is Soojung. Soojung is contented on having a crush on him though. Stealing glances or maybe watching from afar and maybe staring too long from the table opposite from Jongin's usual table with his friends she sometimes missed the bell ringing and run late to her English class

 

("Ara why didn't you call me?"

 

"I called you for about a million times, nudged you thrice too and even shook you but then you're not even glancing at me."

 

Soojung treats Ara an ice-cream that same day.)

 

Eyes Soojung. Eyes. Please. Bomi said sarcastically.

 

What? I'm just—

 

Staring at him with googly eyes.

 

"I don't!"

 

Soojung's eyes widen in shock as she realizes she blurts it out loud. She tilts her head to the side a little and sees Jongin smiling—almost smirking.

 

Smooth. Bomi teases.

 

Stop it.

 

Bomi just laughs at her.

 

"Are you alright?" Ara asks her worriedly.

 

"Yeah."

 

"You sure?"

 

"Yeah."

 

"O..kay. Are you finish? Let's head back to class?"

 

"Yeah. Sure."

 

Soojung swears Jongin is silently laughing at her when they pass by their table.

 

 

 

 

 

Love is how Jongin smiles to his friends as he sits beside Kyungsoo at their usual seat in the cafeteria.

 

Or so Soojung thinks.

 

Soojung sighs and starts re-writing her notes while Ara and Yeowon talks about their crushes.

 

Why do people connect love to someone they love. She asks Bomi.

 

You mean, why do you connect love to Jongin.

 

Seriously Bomi.

 

Bomi laughs. Well, you said it yourself, its because you love them. You see, Hoya once told me that love is a need. You need people to love and love you back.

 

It doesn't came out positive all the time.

 

Love is everything your heart can feel.

 

Everything is vast.

 

Because it is.

 

Soojung pouts to herself and didn't reply anymore.

 

 

 

 

 

Love is twisted. It'll be there one second and the next, it'll go and drift away. It can be warm and sweet then suddenly turn cold and tasteless. It can be truths or lies. It can make you happy and sad. Soojung decides as long as love exist, contrast will too.

 

Soojung is so much immersed in reading an old novel that he didn't notice someone sitting accross her seat and plop his arms on table, puts his chin on it and stares at her.

 

Soojung feels eyes on her so she looks to her left, then right then—

 

Oh look its Jongin come on Soojung say hi. Hurry up! Bomi nudges at her but Soojung stays motionless keeping her eyes on Jongin.

 

"Sorry. Did I disturbed you?" Jongin said but keeps staring at her.

 

Oh god Soojung say something! Bomi is so close to tearing her hair or maybe Soojung's.

 

"I—No. N-Not really."

 

"So you don't mind me?"

 

"No."

 

Jongin smiles, "Okay."

 

Soojung tries to resume reading but she realise she can't anymore with Jongin accross the table taking his time staring at her. "Uhm. What are you.. doing?"

 

"Staring at you?"

 

"I.. know that but isn't it rude to stare.. at someone?"

 

Jongin just shrugs.

 

"You.. probably know I like you but please I'm alright with me staring at you from afar just.. don't play with me." Soojung slowly explains. "I.. need to go."

 

 

 

 

 

Thursday afternoon is when Soojung is a volunteer to a school of disabled kids.

 

Soojung found out that the school need some helping hand so she volunteers to go every Tuesdays and Thursdays.

 

Love is sharing.

 

It's because you want to share the things you are receiving. Bomi reasons to her.

 

But why would I?

 

Because you wanted to show them the positive side of life even though they can't go anywhere without wheelchairs.

 

Soojung sighs. Bomi might be mean but Soojung trusts her.

 

She smiles as she pushes the door open, "I bought cookies! Who wants?"

 

 

 

 

 

"Soojung."

 

Soojung turns around and finds Jongin standing in front of her. She almost forgot the incident in the library. Almost.

 

"I'm sorry."

 

He's saying sorry because he stares at you?

 

Bomi, can you not? Can't you find anymore intelligent reason?

 

Fine. Let's stop being dumb. Of course he is saying sorry because he is guilty of trying to play you.

 

Soojung winces a bit at the realization.

 

"Just. Just don't do it to.. anyone.. anymore."

 

"I won't."

 

Soojung smiles and turns to leave but Jongin holds her wrist to stop her, "I'll walk you home."

 

Love is how warm Jongin's hand can be.

 

Or so Soojung thinks.

 

Is he asking me out? Soojung quitely asks Bomi.

 

Are you deaf, Jung Soojung? He only said he'll walk you home.

 

Should I say yes then?

 

The kids, Soojung.

 

"I.. still have to go somewhere." Soojung softly says.

 

"It's fine. I'll come with you."

 

 

 

 

 

The kids were all smiles and clapping enthusiastically as Jongin finished dancing one of the current songs on repeat in town.

 

"Jongin-hyung! You can make it big! Trust me!" Junhong, a frail looking kid, said and the others agree.

 

Jongin ruffles its hair as he continue to even out his breathing.

 

Ms. Song enters with bags of food in hand. Soojung helps her distribute the sandwiches and cartons of milk-fruit drinks.

 

"Unnie, I want blueberry!" Yooyoung said as she pokes Soojung's arm.

 

"Here, sweetie. Eat well, okay?"

 

Soojung sits beside Jongin, keeping a good distance as what Bomi advices her, and offers him a carton of strawberry milk, "Here."

 

"Thanks."

 

"You're great."

 

"Yeah?"

 

Soojung looks away and nods.

 

The walk back home is quite except for a Bomi saying all the reasons she could think on why Jongin offers to walk her home.

 

"So." Soojung stops at their front gates. "Here am I."

 

Jongin looks at their house for a moment before he turns back to her and smiles. "It was nice. You think I can come again?"

 

"They would be happy about it."

 

"Okay then."

 

"Thanks for today."

 

"Welcome."

 

They stood awkwardly for a minute and Jongin clears his throat, "Then, I should go. See you at school."

 

"Yeah. See you."

 

You two look like a lovesick young couple who doesn't want to part. Bomi teases.

 

Except we're not.

 

Bomi sighs and pats her back.

 

 

 

 

 

Love is cheating and pain and tears. Soojung had watched her sister cry silently one night in her room when she's only starting her college years.

 

"Unnie."

 

"Hey.." Sooyeon smiled at her weakly and wiped the drying tears with her hands.

 

"Dinner.." Soojung had bit her lower lip. "Are you alright?" She asked and sat beside her sister.

 

Sooyeon choked a sob, "I'm not. Tell mommy and dad I'm not hungry, okay?"

 

"Okay."

 

Her sister was cheated by her boyfriend, as Sooyeon told her a week after the incident. Soojung thinks how can a three long years of relationship of being boyfriend-girlfriend can still end with them parting.

 

Love is unfair. Soojung thinks it always is because why does it have to make two people together then.make them fall apart?

 

It actually scares Soojung.

 

We experienced that you know. Like we've been so long together and then things suddenly sits out of place and we parted. But look, we met and established things back again much more stronger the second time around.

 

That's not always the case Bomi.

 

Of course it isn't. You can't call it love if you can't feel pain. I don't mean it that you should be a masochist for it to be called love. Its just that being hurt is inevitable. You're thinking about Jongin and the girl with her yesterday, aren't you?

 

I feel hurt.

 

Bomi can only sigh. We saw it coming from even it was still a mile away, didn't we?

 

 

 

 

 

Soojung had just finished telling the story of Peter Pan to the kids.

 

Jongin is staring at her the whole time and Soojung had the urged to give him a pointed look and asked him to stop staring because she almost forgot how Peter Pan's story goes if only it's not her favorite.

 

"Did they live happily ever after like Cinderalla and the Prince?"

 

Soojung smiles a bit, "They live happily ever after, though they aren't together."

 

"But why? Didn't Wendy gave Peter her hidden kiss? Why didn't they marry each other?"

 

Soojung thinks of the best explanation because she can't tell the kids all of the adoptation of the Peter Pan. He can't tell them that in another story, Wendy marry another man and Peter gave up his immortality and marry Wendy's grand daughter to be a father. That would be too much. "They didn't because, maybe, it's not yet the time, or they aren't meant to be. Peter is immortal and Wendy isn't. Kids, not because we want them to be together, they can. We need to accept and see things positively. Like, that they remained friends. You guys don't have to worry too much."

Soojung just smiles when the kids pouts or either blow their cheeks.

 

"Come on guys. Being friends is not that bad." Jongin suddenly pipes up.

 

"But Oppa, its obvious they love each other."

 

"Hyung. If you are Peter and Soojung noona is Wendy, wouldn't you give up your immortality and be happy forever together with her?"

 

Everyone in the room is silent, anticipating Jongin's answer. Soojung finds herself stop breathing as Jongin's gaze meets her.

 

"Cupcakes for everyone!"

 

Soojung finally breathes as the kids turns and beams to Ms. Song entering with a bag of cupcakes.

 

The walk back home is painfully awkward and quite and Bomi is whistling at the back, not even sparing Soojung a glance and it doesn't help at all.

"So.." Soojung said and smiles sheepishly as they reach her home. "Thanks."

 

Jongin clears his throat. "Yeah."

 

This is the definition of awkward ~ Bomi singsongs and Soojung just ignores her.

 

"I.. I think I should go then."

 

"Yeah."

 

Awkw— Soojung glares at Bomi.

 

"I'll see you then."

 

"Yeah. Okay."

 

Soojung watches Jongin's back and wonders what could be his answer.

 

 

 

 

 

Soojung is not sure how, or when, it starts but Jongin almost always tag along with her (and walking her home right after) during her visits at the school except when he'll have extra hours for dance practice for his club. Its not that she doesn't like it—because who would deny Jongin?

 

Still, Soojung can't help to think how things are actually going, if this is fine or if she will get hurt one day.

 

Because you're expecting. Bomi says, eyes squinting at her. Even when you keep you're not, I know you are. You're thinking why would he continue go to the kids and dance for them and smile at them and—

 

You don't have to repeat it again and again. Because I'm not.

 

Keep saying that.

 

Soojung is not so sure anymore.

 

"You seem bothered." Ara asks her, eyes staring at her own phone, hastily pressing on keys.

 

"How do you even know when you're not looking."

 

"You're sighing. About hundreds now."

 

Soojung sighs.

 

"See?"

 

"Whatever."

 

"Jongin, isn't?"

 

Soojung sighs.

 

 

 

 

 

"Do you really like me?"

 

Soojung looks to her side to find Jongin trying to be comfortable on his back, arms covering his eyes. Soojung thinks, love is how Jongin can give a feeling of serenity just because of his sleeping face.

 

Because Soojung thinks so.

 

"Why?"

 

"Nothing. I mean no, not nothing, just." Jongin sighs.

 

"Can I ask you why your hanging around with me? I'm not like your fangirls that look really enthusiastic when your near, I only read books when I'm with you."

 

"Why?"

 

"Jongin."

 

Soojung thinks, love is how Jongin laughs.

 

"Why are you laughing?"

 

"Its ironic, really."

 

"Which?"

 

"That's the first time you call me by my name. And you didn't even wonder why I even know your name." Jongin, with smile plastered on his lips, puts down his arms and looks up at her. "You said before I probably know that you like me, and yet you don't act like one."

 

"How does even—"

 

"You don't even bother yourself to bake cookies for me or anything."

 

"Why are you—"

 

"You don't act like you like me. I'm starting to think you're lying."

 

Soojung can't process things anymore. "What.."

 

"Jung Soojung."

 

"What am I supposed to do? The first time you approached me you just sat there staring at me. I don't even know how this feeling works. And now your always around me I get so attached I banned myself from crossing the lines out of your friendzone because—just because." Soojung sighs and looks away.

 

"Jung Soojung."

 

"What?"

 

"If I say I like you too, would that change your mind from banning yourself?"

 

 

 

 

 

"Unnie. Unnie. Can you ask Jongin oppa to dance again for us on my birthday? Please. Please. Please?" Yooyoung pleaded to Soojung all the while tugging on her uniform skirt. 

 

"Yooyoung-ah.." Soojung thinks how to explain things, "Jongin is busy for their club's performance. He'll be tired and--" Yooyoung's shoulders slump down and her smile earlier is gone. "--okay. Okay. I'll ask him, but I'm still not sure if he would okay?"

 

"Okay! Thank you so much Soojung unnie!"

 

Soojung had been avoiding Jongin the last few weeks, hence, resulting of the kids missing the tan male and his sudden lame jokes.

 

You miss him too. Ha. Admit it. Bomi starts annoying her again when she chances a glance at Jongin's usual cafeteria table.

 

Soojung ignores her.

 

Why do hate him for saying he likes you too? Why didn't you ask him if he's serious? Why did you just avoided, avoiding him?

 

He's not. I just know.

 

How would you even know? He's not into a relationship since he got here in school--

 

We saw him with a girl, remember?

 

We haven't seen her again, remember?

 

Maybe they want it private.

 

Jung Soojung. You're hopeless. You're being hard on him the last weeks, avoiding him, not making eye contact when he's doinv everything just to talk to you and. Can you please be brave a little and talk to him?

 

Soojung stays silent.

 

 

 

 

 

Love involves taking risks.

 

Because loving involves being brave enough to give a piece of your heart to someone else. She still remembers how Bomi explained it to her when she asked her why was she scared to love Hoya before.

 

Now, her sister is telling her that love involves taking risks of falling in love again with the possibility of being hurt again.

 

"Because pain is inevitable." It was like the echo of what Bomi once told her.

 

"You're so brave. I envy you." Soojung tells her sister.

 

Sooyeon sighs and smiles, "Then be like me. Brave enough to love again."

 

"That's not as easy as it sounds."

 

"Yeah. It doesn't. But its worth taking risks."

 

 

 

 

 

Love is missing how they smile, how they laugh, how they are being there just because they want you to know they are there if you need them. Soojung realizes, that what Jongin had said had been right all along. She didn't act like someone who admires him. She didn't make any effort to show she likes him. All she does is to read a book and ignore Jongin unless he'll be distracting him by talking to him or asking her to buy coffee or to just call her name and say nothing after.

 

Finally. You realizes. Now go. Bomi makes a shooing motion with both of her hands. You and Hoya are so slow realizing things. Seriously.

 

Soojung goes to a bookstore to buy a recipe book about baking sweets.

 

 

 

 

 

It's the first time (because it's always Jongin) Soojung is the one waiting on the lockers, bag of (slightly) burnt cookies on hands. Okay now relax and tell him you're sorry--

 

What if he asks what am I sorry about?

 

That you avoided him for a month, of course. Then tell him you are confused and ask him about things and tell him about how you the kids are missing him and of course that includes you because—

 

"Soojung?"

 

"H-Hi."

 

"What.. are you doing here?"

 

Look what you've done.

 

I don't really need that right now Bomi please.

 

Hmp.

 

"I," Soojung blows her cheeks and puffs out the air slowly because she just doesn't know, "Here." She says and gently shove the cookies in front of Jongin, "Those are cookies and baking is not really for me so that is slightly, err okay, well burnt but I think that's still edible but I still wish you'll eat that because that's the first cookies I bake in my entire existence—

 

You're blabbering.

 

—and you see that's somewhat stands for a peace offering because I avoided you for a month and I think it's my fault that the kids we're down lately because you aren't visiting with me and I just. I just want to say sorry. Please stay friends with me. I'm really sorry."

 

Did you just banned you're crush from crossing and to stay in your friendzone?

 

Soojung looks up at Jongin. His expression is a mix of amusement, relief, bits of happiness and a glint of disappointment. Soojung thinks that maybe she said something bad or anything that Jongin didn't like, but then he smiles, and everything seems fine. "Thanks. I. I miss them too."

 

Didn't he miss you?

 

Soojung wants to ask but Jongin talks, "Thank you for the cookies. The burnt cookies." and Jongin laughs and Soojung thinks it is probably for the better.

 

Soojung sighs and thinks of what to say next, "Uhm. Jongin. You remember Yooyoung?"

 

"The kid with long curly hair?"

 

"Yeah. Her birthday is at the last day of the school festival. She wants you to dance for them again. I told her you're busy and will be tired, but then—"

 

"It's alright. She's a bright kid anyway."

 

"Thank you Jongin."

 

"You're always welcome."

 

It's still awkward but atleast, they are talking. And they are still friends. Soojung watches as Bomi groans.

 

 

 

 

 

Love is how Jongin dances perfectly as he performs for their school festival.

 

Because Soojung thinks so.

 

Hoya is a good dancer too. Bomi mutters.

 

I know.

 

I know you know.

 

Soojung just continues to watch Jongin with Yixing and Sehun on the stage and Soojung thinks how a perfect being (Soojung thinks so) is on the surface of the world smiling at her direction so she smiles back and waves and—did Jongin wink?

 

Some students (mostly girls) turns to her direction, some amused, some glaring, some smiling, while Bomi is squealing and jumping complete with own set of pompoms beside her.

 

 

 

 

 

Yooyoung's smile is contagious so Soojung can't help but smile too when Yooyoung and the other kids starts cheering on Jongin. Jongin has bags under his eyes but then he still dances all too gracefully the kids and smiles the whole song. He's panting so hard after and he said he missed them a lot and all the kid run up to him to hug him.

 

Love is sweet. Because Yooyoung is a lovely girl and it's a really good sight to see her smile. And maybe because she finds it sweet too as the background song becomes a mellow while the kids were busy eating and Jongin walks near Yooyoung's table, greets her a happy birthday and holds her hand and turns Yooyoung around with her own wheelchair.

 

The first walk back home since, since things become akward, is nice. Soojung wonders if she's not so afraid of taking what Jongin said seriously, she wonders if they could actually be something more. Not imprisoned in their own imaginary friendzone.

 

"Thank you." she whispers, almost doubting if Jongin even here it.

 

"For?"

 

"For granting Yooyoung's wish. For making the kids happy."

 

Jongin hums in acknowledgement. "I was wondering," he starts but didn't continue.

 

Wondering about what? Bomi ask but of course Jongin wouldn't hear her.

 

"Wondering about what?" so Soojung voices it out.

 

Jongin stops walking and after a few steps, Soojung stops too. "I'm still wondering."

 

Soojung stands and stares at him. Waiting. Waiting for Jongin to continue.

 

"If," Jongin sighs and smiles, "Nevermind, forget it." then he continue walking ahead of her.

 

Love involves taking risks. It echoes and echoes in Soojung's ears so she calls out, "Tell me about it."

 

Jongin stops but didn't turn back.

 

"Tell me."

 

The silence was long, and it's almost unbelievable that Bomi is as silent as the two of them, before Jongin speaks, "I wonder if you would want to be Wendy." back still facing her.

 

"I am Wendy. We're still friends right?"

 

She sees Jongin heave a sigh before turning around, "Do you.. do you want to change Peter and Wendy's happy ending?"

 

Soojung thinks, love is probably how she tears up a bit before running towards Jongin, hands immediately falling on Jongin's nape and arms around his neck.

 

Love is how Jongin laughs a little as he hugs her back, lifting her off the ground a little to spin them around once before putting her back down.

 

Love is happiness.

 

Love is how Jongin steals her first kiss right there and then and love is how she smiles up at him, tip toes, and hopes she steals Jongin's first kiss too.

 

Soojung thinks, that she'll be defining love as simple as Jongin.

 

 

_••_••—definitions—••••