Yoochun’s POV

 

I spotted the restaurant.

 

I stop and get off the car and toss the key to the parking attendant. I walk inside the restaurant and the waiter guided me to table I reserved. It is a table in a corner because I don’t want to be disturbed by anything later. The table is empty….I made sure to arrive fifteen minutes early.

 

            “Can I get you anything, sir?” the waiter politely asks after I sit.

            “Nothing for now. I’d wait for my company first.” I answer.

He bows and excuses himself before leaving me. My mind goes to why I’m here now.

 

My phone buzzes and I glance over it. Her name flashes on the screen. I breathe out some air and press the stop button. I climb out of the treadmill and grab the phone.

            “Hm?” I say as I sit on the bench. My other hand is busy wiping the sweats on my forehead.

            “Chunnie...”

I secretly sigh upon hearing that. She calls me ‘Chunnie’ and I address her as ‘Babe’. I used to smile whenever I hear her call me by that pet name but not anymore.

            “Is it a good time?” she asks with worry in her voice.

She’s probably thinking if I have the time to talk or I will just say ‘Not now’ just like what I often say.

            “It’s fine.” I reply passively.

I hear her take a deep breath from the other line before she speaks.

            “Can we meet tomorrow evening?”

There is a tension in her tone. I know right then and there that it would definitely be about that. She’s going to bring that thing that I’ve been waiting for….Breaking up. I close my eyes tightly. It’s like a huge thorn has been pulled out of my chest.

            “Alright.” I say.

She told me the place and time.

            “I uh…see you there.” It’s like she wants to say more but something stops her. Her voice is slightly trembling and I guess she’s controlling herself so I won’t know that she’s crying. I pretend like I don’t know about it.

            “I’ll be there.”

She didn’t say more and hung up.

 

I had thought about ending it a lot of times but I just couldn’t bring myself to tell her. I let the time drag on wishing she would initiate it herself. I’ve been thinking on how she would do it….I played different scenes  in my head…and now I’m minutes away from it.

 

She has done nothing wrong. It’s me….I’m the one to blame for this. I’m not myself lately and I’m taking it on her. I used to hold her hand tightly because I want to keep her at my side at all times. I kept calling her even before I close my eyes because I want to hear her voice and dream of her at night. I had a habit of just staring at her face without saying a word for I want to engrave her face in my thought. But now all of that changed…I walk ahead of her. A lot of times I didn’t answer her calls….Whenever she’s speaking about her day, I don’t look her in the eyes and pretend to listen even if I really don’t.

 

I love her…that’s what I know. But I feel tired….don’t know why. She did not change at all. She’s still the same woman I loved. Caring, understanding, pretty, and looks at me with those loving eyes but I feel like I’m not the same Yoochun she loves. I feel guilty knowing that the cold treatment I’ve been giving her cuts through her deeply. She tried to talk it out but I refused and dodge the subject because I don’t know what to say. I wish I can tell her that there’s another girl but there’s really none. I can’t explain to her this emotional turmoil I’m carrying when I could not fully understand it myself. Little by little, I became distant and no matter how she reaches out, she’s still having difficulties getting to the same ground where I’m at. She often sets her feelings aside and forgives me and it burdens me even more. I feel sorry most of the time we’re together and I want her to run away from a guy like me. She deserves somebody who can be consistent ‘till the end.

 

What face should I make once she utters those words? Should I cry and apologize or hold her hand for the last time and wish her happiness? But I don’t want to send her away with a sad atmosphere. I don’t want her to cry more. I want to keep her pride and admit that she made the right decision of turning her back from a hateful guy like me.

 

 

I look around and spot a couple occupying the table across from where I am. They seem to be happy and in love as they enjoy their dinner date. I suddenly remember that this is the restaurant we keep on watching from the window of her apartment. It was still under construction during that time.

 

             “I’ll take you out for a date on that restaurant once it opens.” I whisper to her ear as I hug her from behind. She turns to me with a smile in her face. Her cute dimples appear from her cheeks.

                “I’d love that.” she says and raises her pinky. “Promise me that we’ll go.”

I link our pinkies together.

 

Half a year passed but we were not able to do that. I wasn’t able to do what I promised and now we are finally going to be here…sadly, not for a sweet date but to part ways.

 

Looking back at the last few months of our relationship…apart from the days I’m away for work, there isn’t a smooth day for us. I’m busy with work and always occupied with it although we are together. I would feel lazy to call or send messages when I’m abroad. She’d be worried and bother me with questions in which I would often dismiss with a shrug. And if she insists, I would be irritated and accuse her of throwing a tantrum like a kid. She will leave by herself and we’ll be in a cold war for a few days. She would swallow her pride to make the first call soon. Coming late to our meeting became regular that I often let her wait for me and share less of my recent experiences. I know….I’m a jerk.

 

The last time we met, we had a fight too. She went to our concert in US….Unfortunately, she lost her ticket in the airport and the guards didn’t let her to enter. She waited in the rain until the concert ended. I saw her when I came out of the venue….her clothes is all wet and she’s shivering in cold yet she has that smile in her face once she sees me. She told me that she wanted to surprise me by coming there to watch JYJ’s concert. My heart aches imagining how long she had waited there but instead to thank her and smile back at her, I yelled at her. I told her that what she did was stupid. I know that I should appreciate her effort since I know better that she probably used the money she saves from her small salary to follow me there but with the emotional turmoil I’m feeling, I couldn’t express myself well. Whenever I open my mouth I say words that I really don’t mean. I let her misunderstand me. She cries but I fail to wipe them away.

 

I grab her arm.

            “Let’s go.” I tell her.

But she didn’t budge. She shook her head.

            “I have to go now. I couldn’t stay because my flight back to Seoul is in an hour.” She says wiping her tears. “I didn’t mean to make you feel bad….I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have come.” She apologizes again when she didn’t do wrong. She forces a smile after and continues. “Please send Jaejoong sshi and Junsu sshi  my regards. I….See you in Seoul.” She says and walks away.

My jaw locks due to frustration.

           

 

            “It’s sad that it must come to an end…What will you miss when it’s over?” a woman passes by while talking over the phone. I accidentally heard what she said.

 

What will I miss when it’s over?—my mind asks.

 

Drinking hot choco with her on a rainy day.

Listening together to old music using my phonograph.

Reading books while lying side by side on the grass.

The cakes she personally bakes for my birthdays.

When one is on a travel, we take photos of the beautiful places and things we see and share it with one another.

Spending time talking and laughing over random things.

Taking the night stroll around the park while holding her hands.

Our simple dates….Her scent…The touch of her hands…Her addicting laughs….

 

Our relationship was not all bad….It actually started really good.

 

            “Ticket please!” A woman and I say in unison.

The ticketing attendant smiles at us before answering politely.

            “We only have two front row tickets available. These are the last two…you’re lucky to have it with your girlfriend, sir.”

            “No! We don’t know each other.” Both of us clarify.

The attendant apologizes for that.

            “I actually need two…” I say.

            “Are you sure that you only have front row tickets now? How about the upper box seating?” the lady asks.

            “I’m sorry Ma’am but we only have two front rows and the others are sold out already.”

            “Is that so?” she utters and bites her lower lip.

            “Miss, I know how you want to see the play but you see, my mom really wanted to watch it and I want to give it to her as a birthday present.”  I say to the attendant.

            “I’m sorry sir but I can’t do anything to help you. There are really no more extra tickets available.”

            “Excuse me….”

I turn to the woman beside me.

            “You can have it.” She says.

            “Really? But….you really want to see this play too, right?”

There will be no next time since this is a foreign Broadway play and they are here in Korea for a one-night performance only.

She shakes her head.

            “It’s okay….really. After all, it’s for your mom.” she says.

            “Thank you. Thank you so much.” I’m so happy to get it.

 

The next time I see her was in a roof garden of a hotel. She has this faded jeans and simple tee. Her tousled hair is piled up over one shoulder. She was biting on a French bread while concentrating on what she was reading.  She looks so carefree and full of life. It’s like she doesn’t care if she’s barefaced or what. I find that charm of her attractive.

I sat next to her.

            “Hello.” I greeted.

She glanced at me and immediately hides the bread behind her.

            “I’m really hungry so I…….” she bit her lower lip again. She looks really pretty to me. “I’m not doing anything bad…I’m just studying. Please don’t tell the guards….” She pleads.

I smile.

            “I’m not planning anything like that.” I tell her.

She sighed in relief and told me that she’s not a guest in this hotel. She only goes here and pretend to be a guest so that she could go to this rooftop garden which obviously her favorite hangout. I find it amusing that she’s honest. I’m sure other girls won’t be able to admit that.

            “Can you recognize me?” I ask.

She nods.

            “You are a celebrity, right?”

            “Hm. We also met before…..In the ticket outlet. You let me have the tickets…”

            “Ah…yes. I remember. Did your mom enjoy it?”

            “Yes, she did.”

            “How about you? How was the play?”

            “No. I didn’t watch it.”

            “Huh? Why?”

            “You want to see that play but you gave in since I told you it’s for my mom. I feel kinda bad….so I chose not to see it too. I let my younger brother to watch it with mom.”

She smiles a bit.

            “You want to know a secret?”

            “Secret?”

She places her hand in a whispering gesture.

            “My money was not enough to afford that front row ticket.” She says.

            “R-really?”

We laugh together and that leads to a great conversation. That’s the start….

 

She’s not the type of girl who relies to anyone. She can stand on her own that’s why I’m confident that she can handle being with me. She has always been contented with what I can give. We often meet each other in her place or my place. There are only a few times that I took her out on a date because I want to protect her. She’s a simple and private person who deserves to have a quiet life. She doesn’t deserve to be ridiculed because she loves a celebrity like me.

 

It isn’t hard to make her smile. She can be happy over little things I do for her. I recall how she smiles after I finish composing a song and she’s the first one to hear it.

 

She’s one of my solid supporters. In every hardship I encountered, she was there to tell me that everything’s going to be okay while holding my hand. When I’m feeling low, she’s always the one who says the words I want to hear the most. Because of her, I can bounce back from my sadness and get my fading confidence back. She knows exactly how to return the smile on my face.

 

She makes me feel warm inside….because of her, I know that I won’t be by myself. She’s simply the sweetest girl I know.

 

These are some of the things I love about her…..

 

I found myself smiling as I remember these things. Now that I think about it, we had gone through a lot in this relationship and we managed to survive it together.

 

She’s a great woman and definitely any guy could fall for her. My brows furrow at the sudden thought of her being in the arms of somebody else. An instant pain pierces through my heart. I want to send her away but why do I’m feeling like this? Can I really go forward without her?

 

Unexpectedly, a vague fear fills my chest. Can I really afford to lose someone like her in my life? Will I be okay once she let go of my hand? Can I still smile the same? My head tells me that after I get the break up I want, I could finally breathe. Now I wonder if I can really breathe after she ends it.

Panic runs through me….

 

I was in a middle of this dilemma when a familiar silhouette shows up from a distance. She’s slowly making her way towards me but I started having the urge to wish that time would stop. My eyes tears up automatically.

 

 

She breathe in and smile but it came out so frail.

 

            “Let’s have dinner first….” She says trying to sound lively.

Nobody utters a word during the meal. Both of us are just trying to excuse ourselves by pretending to be occupied with the food when we could hardly eat. Is she granting me this one last dinner together? It’s hard….I can’t even swallow the food.

 

After a while, we mutually finished ‘eating’. She bit her lower lips before speaking.

 

            “I gave it a lot of thought……our relationship…” she says in dainty tone.

I stare at her face. I don’t pay attention to what she’s saying for I’m occupied with my observation. She lost weight and her cheeks look pale. Her eyes hints tiredness too….How could I only notice all of it now? Was I too focused on myself that I overlooked her feelings? Dealing with the situation all by herself….how hard it must have been.

 

I suddenly realize how selfish I was…She had no idea what’s happening yet she kept on understanding and forgiving me. Because of my stubbornness….she’s having a hard time.  My heart aches.

 

My eyes go down to her lips. I read the words she says. It says ‘I’m setting you free….Let’s break up.’ It’s like something blocks my throat that I couldn’t even say a word. I look away doing my best to keep my tears from falling. The emotions I’m feeling right now is overwhelming.

            Let her go….unchain her from the pain you’re causing her.---my mind says.

 

Looking away without saying a word, she probably thought that I’m being like that because I don’t care at all. She stands up.

 

            “I’ll always pray for your happiness. Live well Yoochun sshi…”

Yoochun sshi……earlier I’m complaining on how I feel irritated with her calling me Chunnie and now I’m feeling hurt because she addressed me formally.

 

She bows slightly and heads towards the door. I clench my fist tightly. I know that I should not follow her. I should be setting her free because she deserves to. I swallow hard….I think I underestimated the situation thinking that this is what I really want…what I need. I came here confidently but I guess I’m not prepared for this pain I’m feeling now. The woman I love is leaving me….It’s tearing my heart.

 

My eyes search for her but she’s gone. My feet stand on their own and I found myself leaving the restaurant to chase after her.

 

I got tired on my own….that uncomfortable feeling burdened me and made me look for a way out but I finally woke up. She meant more to me than anything else….I can’t lose her…I love her and I couldn’t have anyone but her only.

 

 

I hold her shoulders and turn her to me. Looking at her eyes, I confess what’s in my heart.

 

            “Having your love, I became careless and cocky. For a moment, I forgot how thankful I should be because I have you. I messed up….I don’t have any excuse for that…” tears finally roll down my face. “I don’t mean to hurt you but I did… I hate myself too for all the tears you’ve cried. Me being immature and foolish….can’t you please forgive me once more?” My hands are trembling so as my voice but I continue to speak. “Beat me up if you want…but please don’t throw me away..” my tears falls even more and I just don’t care if I look weak. I’d rather swallow my pride and cling on to her than to lose her.

            “Please don’t leave me…..” I beg.

Her face is filled with tears too but she chose to wipe mine.

 

            “I hear you….” She says with a smile.

She comes closer and embraces me. I feel so happy and thankful.

            “I thought I really lost you…” I whisper between my tears.

            “As long as you want me beside you….I’ll be here…” she replies.

I shake my head and hold her tightly.

            “Then you’d stay forever…” I declare with certainty. “I’ll make it up to you….” I add.

She nods.

            “Yes, you should…” she says.

I kiss her.

“I love you….you and you only.” I say.

 

She smiles.

 

 

 

‘Sometimes in a relationship, we tend to be real comfortable and take things for granted without being aware of it. When things get painful and burdensome, we often choose to escape. We only think of the bad memories and look for the easiest way out. However, before parting ways with that person, one should visit memory lane and feel which between happy and bad memories weighs more. This way, we will know for sure whether it’s time to accept and say goodbye or to continue clinging on to that love while healing the pain together.’