I stare at the piece of rustled photo in my hand.

Strange how one thing without a soul could cause a more session of breaking down. I am sure I’ve been standing out proudly, standing for myself for these couple months without you anymore. I thought I’ve had it all collected; the broken pieces of my heart. I thought that I’ve accepted the fact that we’re just not meant to be together for long. Some relationships tend to break harshly in the end and the attachment fades as the time goes by, leaving the painful memory being kept inside our heads.

But here I am, holding an old picture of us in my hand.

It’s kind of faded already. I found it in the back pocket of one of my jeans after I took it from the washer. Maybe I was too upset back then that I dumped that jeans in the storeroom. That jeans, the one you bought me because you know how I love wearing them, remember?

Sadly, yep, sadly, I can barely make out your face from the piece. The colors are blending together. I could only notice the cake. It’s a photo that was taken at our second anniversary. I don’t need the photograph to remind me how happy we were back then; I remember it clearly inside my head. We were smiling and giggling, because we were celebrating our anniversary in a spicy rice cake kiosk instead of some kind of luxurious restaurant – because duh, you’re Wu Yifan, you could buy the entire Seoul and still has the word of ‘bankruptcy’ far far away million feet under were you stand.

I don’t know what to do, laugh or cringe over the fact that I had left a trouser in my storeroom and a bowl of frozen kimchi soup in my refrigerator, for two months already. Yeah, I made you kimchi soup back then, before you really walk away, even though I was really upset with you. Because I couldn’t bear with the thought of having you starving in your works when I was more than capable enough to make you a proper dinner. But hey, you never really came home, remember?

I made the kimchi soup because I thought I could avoid the fight with feeding you, and then we’ll say sorry to each other and cuddle in the bed after you had a shower. But I guess I was hoping too much.

Hey, it’s been two months. Have you ever missed me even for once? Because I do, every single day.

I know I always said that we met in such a dramatic situation. Seriously, we were like those main characters in K-Dramas that Yixing always watches in his apartment. I don’t even know how did I manage to stumble upon you, dropping all the books in my hand, and you were there, being the gentleman, picking them for me. You said that you always searched for me after that. Which means, Yifan, that it wasn’t a coincidence that we met in our favorite café a week after, right? You sneaky little dragon, you said that ‘it must be fate that we meet again!’. Tsk.

They envy us, our friends. Especially Yixing, being jealous that his best friend is all happy bubbly rainbows with his twin sister. It’s quite unbelievable for me until now, but to think again, our relationship is like a story line of a sappy romance novel, that I can’t even comprehend until now how did we manage to do so. But what to do? You were – you are a perfect man. Well, let’s put aside your undying love for your stuffed alpaca and your bizarre drawing skills, but you were – you are perfect for me. You are.. too perfect.. too good. Our relationship, it was all too good.

Maybe I’ve always been right since the very first place. Something too good will come to a harsh end.

I know, I know. You’re the heir of Wu Enterprise. You have work. And I shall not bother you with my existence.

But maybe we’re really meant to end like this. Don’t you think? Maybe we’re meant to be separated like this. Maybe we’re meant to find our own paths after being stuck for so long. Maybe it’s already fated for you to be success in your work and marry that beautiful Jessica Jung, maybe it’s already fated for me to start taking full authority in the restaurant in Changsa as what my father has been persuading me to. Dunno, maybe I’ll drown myself in work like Yixing, like you.

Yifan, I thought I could be strong to be here without you.

Wait, I am strong enough. Strong enough to leave you. Strong because of my ego, our egos.

But apparently I am weak enough to need you. I’m weak thus I need you.

But I cared more than enough to let you walk away.

You know, I also found your favorite black Adidas jacket at the trash bin in the storeroom. So you dumped something there too when we were fighting. Well, I took it and fortunately it’s still good, only dirty. I washed it along with the jeans. Couldn’t stand to see it goes to a waste.

Call me dramatic, but I really love your jacket too. You’ve wrapped it on me for zillion times already. It has your scent. Even after I washed it, at first all I could smell is the freshener, but the scent of your perfume didn’t really go away. So I’m wearing it right now. Too big for me, I know. But I feel really warm beneath it. It feels like you’re hugging me instead. Am I creepy for saying that?

Yifan, when you said you’re going to look for something more than just us, when you said you’re looking for more from what the world could offer you, did you really meant that?

Not that I want to make you guilty with asking if I was never enough for you, if what we had was never enough for you. No. Don’t mind me, really.

Because again, I cared for you so much, that I let you go away.

I had a dream a few days ago, and also the same a few days before that, and many times before that. The same dream of you looking in a mirror. In my dream, you’re missing me, you’re missing my arms and how they used to be wrapped around your waist, you’re missing me and I say that you can love me again even if it isn’t the case, because you’re missing me, you’re missing my love. But hey, a dream is just a dream.

At first I was too upset that I blame everything on you. It was reckless, I know. Eventually I realized that I could do nothing about it, about us. Staying mad at you won’t change the fact that you’re no longer here with me, that you’re there somewhere in your office, with all those documents. I eventually realized that all I could do is just to live my life with every strength left inside me. I learnt that in the end, I could only pray for you, for your happiness, for a better life, and for a pack of possible memory wiper pill for me.

I stare at our picture again. It has no use anymore. But I’ll keep it, just in case.

Yeah I’ll keep it just in case.

In case you need to come back to me because you don’t find what you’re looking for.

In case you’re planning on walking back through the front door because you missed what you had before, what we had before.

In case you show up in front of that very same door because you changed your mind, because you realized that you were stupid to say that we’re over, because you realized that we were both stupid for thinking that something precious could be wasted in a harsh way like that.

I’ll be waiting here, Yifan, in case you just want to come home.


_______________________________________________________


A nonsense drabble, I know.

I am so sorry.

*throws myself over the Han River along with Taozi’s ring*