Every time I sit down to try and mull over my feelings I get completely stuck. No matter how hard or long I think about it the words can never be perfectly formed around the idea I have in mind. Trying to stir up the thought of “why” I still can’t understand. Though I have thought about this many times, it doesn’t seem to agree with me. And though I have talked to many people, they think I am crazy to try and disprove this untruth. Since it can’t really be disputed I am left with no other alternative.

I like him.

That was way too hard to admit. It shouldn’t be that hard right? I mean if you like someone the feeling should come naturally. We fight a lot but that doesn’t prove or disprove anything.

 

Flashback- - -

 

She walked through the halls and her best friend caught her eye. As he was being tortured by the school bully she called out for him to be released, but all she got in return were several evil laughs.

“YAH!” She called out, causing everyone within earshot to turn and look at her like she was crazy. “Let him go, now.” She repeated. The bully just stood there like she was insane. Cocking his head to the side he walked up to her.

“And if we don’t? What are you going to do about it princess?” He said playing with the loose strands of her hair. Her heart began beating fast. No one and that means no one had ever caused her heart to stir. Not even the kid from health class she partnered with to practice mouth to mouth with.

“You’ll regret it.” She said coolly.

“What? Are you going to tell on us?”

“No. But you might get told a thing or two.” She said turning her head to the side to make sure they had stopped torturing her best friend.

“Like what?” He asked in a rather cocky tone with an all too attractive smile plastered on his face. She grabbed his arm, you know the one he used to play with her hair, and she twisted it behind his back. He let out a somewhat girly scream. She shoved him against the lockers and he began breathing heavily.

“You wanna let him go?” She said. Looking at the sweat forming on his brow. “Now.” She piped up.

“Come on guys, let him go!”

“Apologize.”

“We’re sorry. We were wrong.” He said sounding desperate to have his arm back. She let him go and he and his friends ran off.

“You okay?” She asked.

“Yeah, thanks.” And that was the first time they had officially spoken..

 

End of Flashback - - -

 

            Hard as it may seem he really did make my heart beat faster back then. What is wrong with me? Maybe I am defective. Oh goodness I have no idea. Why is this happening to me? I am not accustomed to feeling confused. I am a know it all. I know everything there is to know about anything. I am strong. But if that is true then why do I get so soft around him? Truth is I could have slaughtered him and his friends, but I chose not to. I chose to be nicer with no reason to. He could have socially ended my best friend, and me but he didn’t. Why?

 

            Flashback - - -

           

            She walked into the lunchroom and saw her friends sitting in the normal spot. She collected her tray of food and started to approach her table when HE stood in front of her. Stopping dead in her tracks she looked up at the face of her traffic jam. Her heart immediately began to race inside her chest. Was it hot in here or was it just her? She tried to go around him, but he wouldn’t let her.

            “Why did you act all tough in front of your friend?” He asked.

            “What?” She was a bit confused.

             “The other day when you shoved me into the lockers. Why did you act all tough?” He said raising his eyebrows.

            “I was defending him.” She said matter-of-factly.

            “Were we really hurting him?” He asked. Looking at her face for the answer he was sure she was struggling with, he chuckled.

            “There is no telling what you could have done to him.”

            “You know I could end you and your little friends high school careers right?” He said giving her a look.

            “So why don’t you?” She asked trying to steady the beating of her heart.

            “There is only one reason I won’t and I think you’re figuring that out as we speak.” He said smiling.

            “What reason is that?” She said very condescendingly.

            “I like you.” She was shocked. Her face fell and she became pale.

            “Don’t act like I’m the first guy to tell a girl as pretty as you this. At least try to act like the girl that threw me into the lockers the other day.” He said, brushing his hand against her cheek. All she could remember as he walked away was how warm his hand was against her skin. This was the first time she had effectively been confused. He wouldn’t end their high school careers because he liked her? What total crap!

 

            End of Flashback - - -

 

            In all honesty, I had come to this conclusion a while ago. But it’s hard for me to come to grips with it. At first he was a complete jerk, but then a week later he turns into, dare I say a gentleman. Not ruining us because he liked me was a nice thing. Then my best friend told me something that changed everything. And here we have me confused and out of place.

 

            Flashback - - -

 

            At the sight of the school bully she ran and hid in one of the music rooms. Hiding behind the piano her best friend came in calling out for her, having seen her rushing inside. She came out of her hiding place.

            “Are you okay? You ran in here quite fast. Is there something wrong?”

            “I think there is something wrong with me.” She replied hiding her face in her hands. Pulling them down so he could see her face, he looked at her questioningly.

            “What could possibly be wrong with you?”

            “Everything!” She said sitting down in one of the chairs. He followed suit and proceeded to hold her hand.

            “Tell me about it.” He said.

            “I think I like someone, but I’m not sure. He is a complete jerk, but he is the only guy to ever make my heart beat this fast. I don’t know what is wrong with me!” She said looking at the floor.

            “Who is it?” He asked sounding sad.

            “I don’t want to tell you. No, I can’t tell you.” She said closing her eyes.

            “Is it perhaps the school bully?” She looked up at his face. Does he have a psychic ability? Nodding her head, he closed his eyes.

            “Thought so.” He said in a sad tone.

            “How did you know?”

            “You haven’t been acting the same since you officially met him. But there is something I have to tell you about your first meeting that will do nothing to change your mind, but I need to tell you so I can feel better about all this.”

            “Okay.” She said getting a little anxious.

            “I paid him and his friends to attack me.”

            “What? Why in the world would you do that?” She said, her eyes becoming wide.

            “So that you would rescue me and feel bad for me. And so that you might like me as much as I like you.”

            “You like me?” He nodded his head.

            “You have been my friend since grade school. And you know how they say that a guy and girl can never be just friends. My heart started fluttering around you since we were in our last year of middle school. Whenever I saw you my day got better. Your smile helped me carry myself through the hell they put me through.” A tear fell to her cheek. But she continued to listen.

            “And even though I know I’m not going to change your mind, I felt like I needed to tell you this so that I could sleep through the night, because at least I told you what was in my heart. So, your brother will leave you alone now.”

            “Brother?” She asked.

            “That’s all I’ll ever be to you. But that’s okay with me.” He said walking away.

            “I’m sorry.” She said.

            “And by the way. He really likes you too. I’ve never seen him act like that towards anyone, especially someone who threw him into a locker like a pro.” He said smiling before he left the music room.

 

            End of Flashback - - -

 

            And as I sit here thinking about these past few years, I realize that he did like me. But he was right; he was like a brother to me. I liked that jerk and there was nothing I could do to stop these feelings. Trying to understand myself a bit better there is a knock on my door. I look through the peephole and that jerk is standing on my porch. What do I do now? Do I answer the door or do I let him sit out there until he gives up and goes home? I look in the mirror that is directly to my left. My hair looks like crap and my make-up is half done. Why did I choose today to be lazy? I fluff my hair and wipe away some of the eye make-up. I answer the door and am about to ask why the hell he is standing on my front porch when I am pulled into his arms.

            He pushes his lips to mine so firmly I have no other option but to melt. I can’t completely give in. I start trying to push him away but he just cups my face and presses his hand on the small of my back so that I get closer to him. I close my eyes and try to enjoy it. He is dancing over my lips and I am letting him. What message is that sending him? That I kiss any guy who walks up to my door? Wait a minute! I am a fighter. I can push him away if I really want to. But he is so soft and warm. No! You have to fight it. Kick his y out the door. He pushes his way through the front door with me in his arms.

            When he is finally done kissing me I am completely dazed. He laughs at something and my eyes open to a small slit.

            “You okay?” He asks.

            “Hmmm.” I answer. Trying to find words, something, anything. Come on brain think. Say something!

            “Sweet.” What was that? He laughs again.

            “I needed to come see you. I had to tell you that I liked you again. But more importantly, I came to ask you out.”

            “How did you find out where I live?” I ask, having absolutely forgotten that I didn’t tell him.

            “Your brother told me yesterday that I should come by.”

            “Brother?” I ask.

            “Your friend. The one who paid us to beat him up?”

            “Oh, him! Why did he tell you to come by?”

            “Because he said that you liked me. He knew I liked you too, so he told me to come say hello.”

            “You didn’t say hello.”

            “I thought it was plenty self explanatory.” He said smiling.

            “I’m waiting.” I say.

            “Hello.” He said. At that I kiss him again. He hadn’t let me go from before so I just tiptoed my way up to his lips. He smiled against me and it was my turn to laugh. I wasn’t the only one who was weakened by this. So it was a normal thing.

            “So are you going to go out with me?”

            “I don’t know I’ll have to think about it.” I say pushing him out the door and locking it. I walk into the kitchen and he appears through the back door.

            “One thing you should learn, big brothers don’t normally help out a guy when he is looking to date his little sister.” He said kissing me again.

            Falling into his arms I let him kiss me until I hear my dads car pull up in the driveway.