33 | His name is Leo
{ “Le Angel • Portfolio” }
33 His name is Leo
33 • His name is Leo
Story by: bbuingbubble
[♛ Scarlett Reviews]
Story by: bbuingbubble
[♛ Scarlett Reviews]
Title:
The first that came to mind when I read your title was the capitalisation of it. I believe the 'n' in 'name' is meant to be capitalised so that your title will be 'His Name is Leo' - now, this is something you don't have to fret about as actually most authors here do forget about capitalising their titles for the first time. Anywho, besides your capitalisation, honestly I was a skeptical about the title. In a way, it did lure me in - it makes me think 'How is Leo important in the story?' and 'Who is the main character?' after seeing the word 'His'. However, from the title, one can see that Leo will play an important role in the story which may or may not give away the actual plot - but again, this makes me intrigued on why and how Leo is such a vital character.
Can I say the title is original? Honestly, I haven't read fanfictions with the same-ish title - but it's not something new or fresh that would catch my interest at first sight as if you just entered 'His name is ________' in the search bar, you could see there are other stories with the similar title. I can see why you chose the title though! It does have relevance to the text which I think is a good thing since nowadays I don't often see the relation with the title and the actual story.
Appearance [Foreword; Description; Poster (if any); Readability]
You don't have a poster so I can't really comment on that, though I'd suggest to try and order one! Often, you can grab someone's interest with a poster, and since your story has an angst and supernatural theme to it, the readers would be able to have a glimpse of what the plot might be. Also, the readers would find it easier to picture how the characters look like as they may or may not know VIXX nor how their members look like. Moreover, you included an OC as well, and it's quite hard to picture on how you want us to perceive her as well.
As for the readability, it's alright! The font size is readable and the paragraph spacing is fine as well. I have to point out that in the first chapter you used the '~' to split the paragraphs, however, in the later chapters, you discarded it - I suggest that you either remove it for the paragraph spacing to be consistent or include it to indicate that the paragraphs have been split. Why? At first, I thought it was randomly placed there are firstly, it wasn't exactly centre-aligned and also I didn't see it any in the later chapters so I thought you might have forgotten about it.
Moving over to the foreword, they were just words from you which I have no trouble about since you included a brief summary in your description about your story. Now the description - I felt that you gave out a bit too much information on the story. From what I can see, the story is about Leo hence the title 'His name is Leo' and thus it sparks interests on why he's important. However, in the description, you more or less tell more information about him and what he really is, a half-demon and half-human. Now, the fact that you just basically told us why Leo is really different just defeats the purpose on reading the story - us the readers, would already know why Leo is different! So it won't be a surprise when the truth actually comes out! In a way, it's a bit contradicting as most readers would expect demons to have horns and tail and whatnot. But by mentioning some traits of Leo such as him liking sweets and being hungry, we'd be a be a bit surprised when reading that he's part demon - however, imagine revealing that later in the story, we'd be more surprised. I suggest you either discard that sentence off so that the readers wouldn't know how Leo is different, or you can hint at it!
Example: Oh, and he's part demon, part human.
Correction: Oh, but can I mention that he's partly human?
Correction #2: Oh, and he's completely human - partly.
It's the not the best, but you can see that I try and not mention the fact that he's part demon. Also, I'm being quite vague so then the readers can guess what else he could be. So to improve, I suggest you just edit the last sentence so that you won't exactly reveal Leo's character. Oh! And I spotted a small mistake in one of your sentences.
Example: He can't speak human language but he understood what I'm saying.
Correction: He can't speak the human language but he understands what I'm saying.
Correction #2: He doesn't speak the human language but he understands what I'm saying.
You mix up the two tenses which confuses me as I thought you were writing in the past tense. This is what confused me as in the first part of the description, you wrote it in past tense, however later on you switched to the present. I suggest you choose one tense to keep it consistent, and this also applies to the story as there were times where the tenses were switched. Also you forget the word 'the' so the sentence sounded a bit awkward.
This is an area where you can improve a bit, as this is basically where you try to lure your readers in! It's true that the first impressions do count, and with a few teaks here and there, I'm sure more readers would want to read more of your story. Also, there's not that much to change as well besides the description and the paragraphs so it's nothing to fret about that much.
Plot & Originality
I have come across fictions where the main character had, more or less, had the heart to let someone into their house, so I can't really say yours was original. However, I do like to point out that I haven't read a lot of those stories, so I was wondering in which direction you were going to take your story in. So far, Aileen has found a few facts about Leo such as his weakness, and more importantly his name. But she's yet to discover who or what Leo really is. As mentioned, you already told us what Leo really is however at this point of the story I could sense a bit of action and drama. I read that there'd be a bit of violence [along with some fluff] but it's interesting to see how Aileen will come to Leo's identity. He can't exactly talk and saying his name already has him weak - as mentioned, this isn't the type of image you'd think of when someone says 'demon' so Aileen's reaction would definitely be a highlight. I'd like reinforce that Aileen knows a bit of information about Leo, but where will the real plot come in? Will Aileen continue to find our more facts about Leo? Will she confide in with someone? Will random people break in to find Leo? The plot is still developing but I really do hope to see something interesting pop up.
It would also be interesting to see Leo's POV on things as well! We the readers don't know much about him, so seeing things from his perspective could also give an insight on how he's taking things in. Moreover, the readers would be able to see Leo's character in perhaps a different light, and maybe have a guess on Leo's past as well. As mentioned, the plot is still developing, but it'd be nice to have a little change because so far nothing particularly important has come up [except finding out Leo's name] - but I'm still interested in where you're taking this story.
Language and Writing Style
If there was something that screamed in my face about your writing, it would be this – you're very explicit. There are two types of people when it comes to writing: the explicit types i.e. I the author shall reveal everything and anything in this story [e.g. Zelo cried as he hugged his teddy bear] and the implicit types i.e. show-not-tell [Zelo felt tears ran down his face as he held his teddy bear a bit tighter]. You definitely are the type who's explicit which I don't find particularly bad. I can see that English may not be your native language [it's not mine as well but I think the majority of us can agree with that] so I can understand that it may be hard to execute what you're trying to say in a language that you may not completely be confident with. I suggest that at times, try to be a bit implicit so that the readers will be able to picture the scene as well, without having you to tell us. Here's some examples:
Example: The water turned a bit cold
Correction: The heat of the water eventually decreased.
This is a pretty bad example if I say so myself, however I digress. I don't explicity say that the water turned cold which is shown in your sentence. But I merely say that there has been a change in the temperature of the water, which one can presume that perhaps the water has turned cold.
Example: Then came down the clock, hitting the floor with a crashing sound.
Correction: Then came down the clock, the wood cracking violently as it made contact with the ground, the loud sound echoing the room.
Here, the readers can picture the impact of the clock hitting the floor through the words 'violently' and 'cracking' - your sentence was fine but it didn't give space for the readers to imagine in what happened. Moreover, one can think that perhaps the clock did hit the ground with a 'crashing sound' through the word 'loud'.
Example: I went downstairs to clean up the mess he made, all the bread and cookie crumbs everywhere.
Correction: I went downstairs and eyed the bread and cookie crumbs. Sighing, I picked up the broom and started to sweep the little bits that Leo left on the ground.
In this example, I don't explicity say that Aileen cleaned up. Through the actions of her sweeping the broom, one can think that she did clean because what else can a person do with a broom and crumbs lying everywhere?
I'd also like to say that without being explicit, it leaves space for the readers to imagine the situation, thus giving them a chance to picture things in their perceptive. Being explicit is not really a bad thing - I have to admit it's a bit easier to make the situation more obvious as you could possibly confuse someone if you imply for so long. But, it would be nice to drop a few implications here and there to add a bit of elegance to the language of the story.
Characterisation
Honestly, I found Aileen a bit bland. I don't see that much character in her, besides the fact the she's quite caring and intrigued by Leo - to be honest, I find these traits a bit common in most OCs. I've yet to see something really special about Aileen which makes her stand out from any other OCs. I can somehow see you're trying to make her realistic, however, personally, I don't want to read a story where it could have a good plot, but the characters aren't that interesting. What I'd suggest is perhaps give Aileen some habits, an example would be clicking her tongue once in a while or biting her lip etc. These are some examples, but I think that by making Aileen have at least one habit, it would make her a bit realistic because then she wouldn't seem like any other OC. I also like to point out that if the story is set in South Korea [well I presume it is] then wouldn't it make sense for Aileen to be a Korean name? I know Ailee the singer, but doubt that Aileen is a Korean name.
Now, if I were to be placed in Aileen's shoes, I'd freaked out if I found some stranger outside my house. I might have taken him/her in but other than that, I would've expected Aileen to perhaps call someone. Now, I see that you mentioned that Aileen couldn't possible tell anyone else - which is quite true. However, would you agree that Aileen should've had the mindset that she couldn't possibly take care of someone she didn't know? Firstly, the stranger is a guy - he could pull on a move on Aileen without her acknowledgement and therefore put her in danger. Yes, Leo did seem harmless and whatnot - however, keep in mind that because someone seems vulnerable, you can't assume that he/she won't do anything dangerous. Secondly, although the theme of curiosity should be seen in Aileen, the idea of fear should be present as well. Following on from the last point, Aileen seems okay with the idea of having a guy in the house. Wouldn't she be worried if one of her friends pop up and sees Leo? It relates to the first point as well - Aileen didn't call when encountering Leo, how is she going to explain to her friends when they find out? That would be interesting. However, it just seems like Aileen is basically baby-sitting.
I hope to see Aileen's developing in character however. As mentioned, she's quite bland but, that doesn't she can develop into someone who'd be worthwhile to read. As an OC, I can say it's hard to give a personality as you'd don't want to he/she to be boring or totally cliché or perfect or another Bella Swan, I can say that it's perhaps easier to just use normal celebrities as they're already 'labelled' with a specific persona which most of the audience are familiar with. I do hope to see an improvement in Aileen's character though as the story progresses!
Flow
So far it's going at a reasonably alright pace. I like how you're showing the progression between Leo and Aileen, it gives more time for the readers to be more familiar their characters, especially Leo's. As mentioned, the story has just started so there's plenty of room for them to deepen their relationship as well as their character. Moreover, this gives space to deepen Leo's history and how he got to Aileen's house which I think is the anticipated moment in the story. I want to point out that I like the pace of the story as it's quite realistic in a way. You're not speeding it up, but you're not dwelling on details that don't matter, so props to you on that!
Final Comments
I believe I mentioned this quite a few times already but you're story is still progressing. This leaves space to to improve and develop the story as well as the characters. I don't think there's anything wrong in lacking a specific area because it means you're growing as an author. What I can say is that, yes, even though there are things to improve it doesn't your story is bad. As mentioned, I have come across stories almost similar to yours but not completely - this gives room to take your plot in a different path that one wouldn't expect! It's okay if it turns out mediocre, it just means that you have room to improve which ultimately is what we need to do.
Words from the Reviewer; I deeply apologise for the late review! I hope the review would be able to make up for it though for the long wait as basically my laptop was taken away from me for a while so I couldn't work or update for so long. I hope you'll be able to find this review useful though! And to reinforce everything in a few words; you can improve - not because there's a lot of work to do on the story itself, but rather you can improve within oneself.
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