31 | Crown of Thorns

31 Crown of Thorns

31 • Crown of Thorns
Story by: Meow_xx
[♛ Scarlett Reviews]

Title:

To be honest, I didn't really see how the title is related to the drabble at all until I read the little information at the end of your story. First off, it's quite eye-catching but it's not really original so I wouldn't be sure whether I would have read your story or not in the midst of the other stories. Although there aren't many stories that has the same title as yours, I believe I may have heard it from elsewhere which is why I didn't think of it as interesting. Now, as mentioned, I didn't understand the title's relevance to the story until you told us at the end of the story; then I understood. Daehyun was suffering, no doubtlessly he would. The term 'thorns' does really symbolise the pain he's going through, it's as if the thorns are piercing through his head cause undoubtedly that's where he recalls the times he spent with his ex-girlfriend. It's almost as if the stabbing of the thorns is a constant reminder and somewhat mockery that he'll never be able to let go of the past where he's trapped in.

I'm not sure if that's the kind of message you were trying to send across but nevertheless because of the reasons stated above, I actually quite liked your title. Orginality-wise, it's not the creative one out there but the meaning behind it and how it links to your story makes it likeable. So yes, I understand on why you used it, and after realising why it made me like it. So kudos to you!

Appearance [Foreword; Description; Poster (if any); Readability]

I felt that both the foreword and description gave away a bit too much of the story. I believe that most people would've expected that something must've happened to Daehyun, and it wouldn't really be a surprise if it was a heartbreak.Let's start off with the description. I didn't realise that it rhymed after reading three times! You don't exactly tell us what happened during the two meetings that were mentioned however one could've guessed that important happened. Later on in the foreword, you further elaborate that indeed, on that day, Daehyun and his ex-girlfriend got together hence why it was a happy event. What I don't understand is that, you clearly state that something both good and bad happened on that bench; so why further explain it? This would leave space for the reader to imagine what could've happened during those two events and eight times out of ten, they'd be somewhat right. In other words, I feel as if you were more or less repeating the same thing in the foreword. You could've inserted flashbacks or snippets of their relationship in the foreword so the readers would've a glimpse of what the used-to-be couple were like. Thus, it also make the readers question or ponder on what've made the relationship crumble - this would also, hopefully, spark interest in reading the rest of your story as well! So yes, I believe that some work may be needed in the foreword but I don't think it's much to worry about.

For the poster, I quite like it! I would've expected something black and white but it's refreshing to see something new. Daehyun's image really does reflect the pain he's in throughout the story, and moreover it depicts his loneliness as well. I spy the bench as well which obviously holds an important place in the story so I could see its relevance. There's a dark tone to the poster and it mirrors the mood of the story as well, and also the colours used resemble to thorns as well so I could see its importance as well. So yes, I quite like the poster! So props to the designer and you!

Now, I realised that you chose a chapter layout for this drabble which I'm alright with! However, it contrasts strongly with the theme of your story. Whilst your drabble gives a sad mood, the layout chosen states otherwise - it's quite floral? I have to admit, it's pretty but I would've preferred another layout because it just doesn't seem match the mood of your story.

I'd like to mention that I had no trouble reading your story as well! Although the font colour was gray, I didn't have trouble with it, and the font size was no bother to me as well!

Overall, your poster and description was alright. However, I believe some work may be needed in the foreword and perhaps chapter layout but again, as mentioned it's something that you shouldn't worry over too much.

Plot & Originality

To be honest, your plot wasn't really interesting to me nor was it original and fresh. I like how you chose a simple theme and didn't over-complicate things but nevertheless your story was quite bland. This is my opinion but I felt the ending was a bit rushed. To be honest, I wouldn't have expected the ending but nevertheless it didn't make sense. I didn't understand how everything before the ending would lead up to it. Yes, your story was sad. But how did the ending relate to it? Is it that Daehyun wanted his suffering to end, and therefore he welcomed his death because it would release him from the pain he was suffering from? Now, this made me question about Deahyun. I thought 'She just broke with him, why would he want to his end his life so quick?'. Now, after thinking about it, did Daehyun realise that he was going to get hit? Then I thought 'How did Daehyun not realise a car was heading his way?' After all, he seems like a mature person.

As mentioned, your plot wasn't really my cup of tea thus I was wondering on how you'd make it original or different. Perhaps, the ex-girlfriend could've make another appearance and there a plot-twist could've occurred? I understand that this is a drabble but a plot twist doesn't have be to good or unexpected, it's there to make a story more interesting, which I believe was what your story needed. So yes, I believe that the story needed a bit of flavour or spice, just so that your story was more enjoyable, not that I didn't enjoy your story! In fact, I actually liked it. However, I believe you could've inserted a small scene that would've made your story different from the rest. I didn't really count your ending as that interesting scene because frankly, I thought it was rushed as mentioned.

Language and Writing Style

It's simple which ties in greatly with your story. There's a sad tone to it which matches well with the genre; you even used pathetic fallacy in it! Although I know that many people has used the rain as a symbolism of sadness in some way, I'm glad you also use it when Daehyun and his ex-girlfriend got together - the way I see it, it's quite ironic. It's as if the weather, too, is mocking Daehyun in the fact that the weather in his happiest moment happened as well in a dark moment in his life. Now that I think of it, it would be weird to have the sun shining if Daehyun and his ex-girlfriend broke up - no emotion would be set there. But can I say it's orignal? I'm not too sure. However, I quite like the fact that you used it! It was a good opportunity to use it actually!

Now, I can't really pick up a lot of grammar mistakes! Just to make sure, proof-read in case. I know that you might've gotten this piece of advice a lot but you'd be able to avoid small flaws that could ruin your story. So yes, just proof-read to eliminate the small mistakes.

Characterisation

Daehyun, as you portrayed, was suffering. The reader would've been able to identify's Daehyun's bitterness throughout the drabble, heck even the weather reflected his character. One could see that Daehyun must have been a caring guy, after all, he wouldn't have been so upset about the break-up if he didn't care for his ex-girlfriend a lot. However, I do question his age in this story. How old is he? You mentioned his mother and that perhaps he may be living with her so I was wondering whether he was still in school or not. That may have explained why he seems so attached to his ex-girlfriend; young love is painful. However, with that in mind wouldn't Daehyun realise the danger he was in? I know I mentioned this before, but surely wouldn't he have checked whether a car was approaching or not? I am aware that people do get into accidents by this but Daehyun also seemed like a mature person. If I were to be close to him, I'd be quite surprised to hear that he was in an accident.

One can see that his ex-girlfriend meant a lot to Daehyun, and he seems like a sweet guy! I really do wonder in what have lead to their break-up. You portray Daehyun as someone bittersweet in this story, it would've been good to show his perhaps fun and likeable side to him as well! I also suspect that Daehyun is someone who treasures his memories. It's understandable in why Daehyun must've been upset over the break-up, after all, if you were to reminisce the past a lot, I'd be certain you wouldn't be able to let go quickly - that's the kind of person that I suspect Daehyun is. Moreover, he seems like he's a person of regrets, and boy did he show a lot of regrets. Also, Daehyun seems like the person who thinks a lot, yet he keeps it to himself. Perhaps, that may be one of the reason why they broke up? A lack of communication? A lack of trust? I'm not too sure.

As mentioned, it would've been nice to see a more happier version of Daehyun. But nevertheless, even in a short amout of words, you were able to show a deeper persona of Daehyun which I believe is quite hard to do considering how short your story was. Overall, I liked Daehyun! He seemed like a really sweet guy!

Flow

Honestly, I believe that the flow was alright. However, as mentioned I do think that the ending seemed rush. I would've suggested that perhaps you could give flashbacks prior to Daehyun's and his ex-girlfriend when they were in a relationship - however, I felt that it was not needed because I believe that this leaves space for the readers to imagine what could've happened during their six-month relationship. Moreover, this also gives space on what kind of person the ex-girlfriend could've been. There's little information about her however Daehyun does make her seem like a person that one cannot forget easily. Other then that, as mentioned I believe the flow was good! The introduction to the story was smooth and you leave us, the readers, on who said Daehyun's name at the end. The cliffhanger, although not really original, left me wondering on what was going to happen next!

Final Comments

When I first read the story, I didn't enjoy it as much as the second time. I realised afterward the second time I read it, that in fact, even though your story was really simple and perhaps not the best out there, a lot of emotions were emitted from your story. You really captured Daehyun's sadness and his suffering - to me, as a reader, making a reader feel or understand how a character's feeling is well, a good achievement! It means that character was someone relatable and thus realistic which honestly, I believe is hard to do considering how short your story was. Overall, I did enjoy your story! It was simple and I believe that we all need a short drabble once in a while to balance the drama and angst [in my case] from the other stories we're reading in our free time.

Words from the Reviewer; I deeply apologise for the late review! School's been eating up my free time and also my house had gone under construction so it was difficult to have stable WiFi. Anyways, this is the first I've reviewed a drabble and actually I thoroughly enjoyed your story. I think that perhaps if you wrote a longer story, then maybe you'd be able to develop and experiment your skills. Hopefully by that time, your story would've a much deeper plot where your characters would be able mature and develop. Personally, I think you have potential to be a good writer, but to aim that, you should write a longer piece of text so you'd be able to identify where you'd need to improve. I'd also to mention you're the first person I reviewed in 2014! I hope you found this review helpful though!

-Jam [Divergin1004]

25-01-14