Once, I thought that love was sacred. I thought that love could only be possessed by those who truly deserved it and done lots and lots of good deeds. Who knows, everything actually changes when I saw things from a third person’s view…

My name is Susie. I hung myself to death on a mid-afternoon on November 27, 1972. The reason? No one loved me. No one cared about me, even if I died. At least those were my thoughts before I inserted my head through the thick and coarse rope, and ended my life there and then.

My parents only knew how to work, work and work. In their eyes, nothing was more important than money. Nothing. Not even me. Their one and only child. Everyday, I return home only to find it empty. The four walls staring back at me, screaming loneliness and coldness. I had no one to share my thoughts with. Whether I was happy, sad, angry, jealous, my parents were always not there for me. There even came to a point when I don’t go home at all. Afterall, it did not matter. No one knew if I was at home or not anyway. Everyone minded their own business.

What pained me the most was that the only two people on Earth, that I trusted, actually betrayed me and broke my trust. It was my boyfriend, Suho and my best friend, Ally. Let me tell you what they did. I invited the both of them over to my house – the day of my death – as usual, since there were no bossy parents restricting my movements, which was one good point about having parents like that. I only left the living room to grab some popcorn and cola for a couple of minutes and, guess what I saw when I returned? I found them shoving their faces into each other’s, kissing so intensely that I felt like I was the outsider now, like they were the couple here, instead of it being me and Suho. Yes, they did it right in MY house.

So, that’s what triggered my death. I have never felt so helpless before in my life. Like, there was nothing I could do to help the situation anymore.

Most people fear death, they fear the unknown; they fear what may happen to them after they die. Some people feels that death is a natural course; when it’s time for you to go, you have to go. Some even go the extent of killing others in exchange of their own life. I’ll like to ask them this: Do you think this is all worth it? Do you think they deserve to die more than you do?

Everyone has to leave the face of the Earth one day, we have to accept this fact, whether you want it or not.

Some people like me, feels that death was an escape; a getaway from reality. I hate to think of myself as a coward, but I guess I am one indeed. I believed that no one will ever cry or yearn for me even after I died. I believed that the people around me would be delighted to have me disappear from their lives. Their lives would be perfect without me. My parents don’t have to take out a few minutes of their precious working time on the phone to ask me if I had dinner; to spend a few hours of their weekends with me instead of their work. If they truly cared about me, they will convert to a part-time job and accompany me more, and not only the weekends. I know I am selfish, but this is human nature. I mean, which child doesn’t yearn or desire for their parent’s love?

I don’t want a lot of money, I only want their care and concern, is it so hard to ask for?

Once, Suho told me that I was his one and only, he said that I was the only woman he had ever loved in his entire life. That’s right, everything he told me is in past tense. Lies. Big fat lies. How can he even bear to say it right into my face? I actually believed everything he said. I have never felt so dumb and cheated before until that fateful day. What made it worse was that the person he cheated on me with, was my best friend. Ally, who cried with me whenver I’m upset; whom I laughed together with; whom I did mischievous things with; whom I shopped together with; whom I ran together with whenever we were in trouble; whom stood by my side no matter what. She was just like my other half; we can’t be without each other. To add on to that, we even grew up together.

 I still remember the joke that never gets old between us. Ally would make fun of me, saying that my chest is as flat as an airport runway. And I would always reply that having big s is too mainstream; small ones are the trend nowadays. (Of course having small s were never the trend.) That never fails to crack us up – even though I can’t promise that I’m completely unaffected each time.

I am now a wandering soul, clueless of what to do next. I floated across the familiar streets that I take when I go to school; to my favourite ice-cream shop; to the mart; to Ally’s house; to Suho’s house. I know that I will never have the chance to walk on the pavement like a normal human being ever again, or lose myself between the crowds of people whenever a huge sales was ongoing at Cotton On. I am a nobody.

Coincidentally, I stopped in front of my very own house. I stared at the dark green door that I used to open and close everyday; the door that I once slammed right into my father’s face because we had a huge fight. Those were my rebellious days.

I tried to reach for the shiny door knob, only to find my hand going straight through it.

Right. I almost forgotten that I’m a ghost. Doors and walls are no longer a barrier to me anymore. I floated right through the green surface and descended upon the living room. I did a double-take. Everything looks exactly the same. Not that I was hoping for some changes. Actually, I had no idea how long I had been gone.

Yes, there was a difference, now that I noticed. There were two people there. Ally was seated on a grey single-seater couch while my mother was seated on the double-seater. Ally, with a slouched back, had her face buried into her hands and she was sobbing hard. I could see her body shaking so hard, like she's standing in the middle of North Pole with only a thin sweatshirt on. My mother was just staring into space, with an expression so blank that made me feel scared even though she couldn't see me. I notice her bloodshot eyes and dried tear marks staining her once-rosy cheeks, which was pale white now.

Ally tried to speak. “I.. I did not do it on purpose! I… was wrong… Susie… Please come back…” No response. My mother just sat there as still as a statue, like she was in a video on a pause mode.

Heaving a sigh, I travelled upstairs and found my father in my room. He was kneeling down in the middle of the room – in front of my bed – clutching on to a photo of mine so tightly that I thought it would crumble any moment. It was a photo of me taken on my 14^th birthday. A picture of my parents smearing bits of cake onto my face and we were smiling ever so brightly at the camera. So brightly that it hurts.

Hot tears were flowing down and slid down his wrinkled face. A couple of them dripped onto my photo and he hurriedly wiped them away with his palm.

My heart clenched. Wait, did I just said – heart? Ghosts don’t have hearts, but I’m sure we have feelings. At least that explains what I’m feeling right now.

I have never seen my father so sad, so depressed before. The only time I had seen him like this was when my baby brother passed away even before he was born, even before he entered this world. That time, he locked himself up in his room continuously for 7 days without food or sleep. He blamed himself. He felt that it was his fault; he did not take good care of my mother enough, which resulted in the miscarriage. I wonder, if I was the one who died in my mother’s womb instead, will I be happier? Will I be happier at the whatever place I’ve gone to when I die at that time?

I positioned myself in front of my father. Time seems to have messed up with his face. There were wrinkles webbing out from the edge of his eyes and also stretched across some parts of his face. The corner of his mouth were sagging, like a lopsided alphabet C.

Why is it now, that I only see the changes in his face? Why didn’t I notice them earlier? That’s when it striked me. Everything is too late. Too late for regrets. Too late for apologies. I will never return to their sides ever again.

I decided that I still had one last place to go. His face keeps appearing, disappearing, and then re-appearing at the back of my head. Suho.

“I have to go, Father. Even though you were often not there for me, you are still my dearest father, and that fact will never change. I love you.” I breathed. The last word is always the hardest to say but I still managed it.

“Goodbye.”

And then I left the room without looking back.

I was in Suho’s room in a minute. Nothing changed here too. It was just like I had initially predicted, everything was in place. But no, I was wrong. Things doesn’t change. We are the one who change. Our personalities change. Our mood takes a turn according to our surroundings. The way we react to certain matter changes.

Everyone changes. We can't help it. It just happens.

It scares me though, how someone can change over a short span of a few hours (I guessed). Just a few hours ago, my boyfriend and best friend was making out in my house, my parents were slogging their guts out at work. Did they care a hoot about me? Did they realize how lonely and afraid I felt before I committed suicide? Have I ever crossed their minds at that moment just before I ended my life? I really don’t know.

All I could see now was Suho perched at the end of his bed, both hands supporting his lowered head.

I situated myself in front of him and looked at him. His eyebrows were knitted together and the muscles on his face looked really tensed up. I remember telling that he looked really ugly whenever he frowns or cries. He would pout ever-so-cutely and retort that even his best friend, Kyungsoo, told him that he looked equally ugly when he smile too widely. How I wish I had the chance to tell him how beautiful his smile actually is, about how everything about him is so stunningly beautiful.

I was lying about him being ugly; I never wanted to see him sad.

Whenever he was upset, I would tickle his sides until he burst out laughing and he would wrap his arms around me to stop me from doing so. And then he whispers gently into my ear, “What will I ever do if you are not here for me…” Those were the good old times.

All of a sudden, Suho shot up from where he was sitting, his eyes searching every corner of the room. His eyes were wild and confused.

He knows! He knows I’m here. He can feel my presence!

“Listen, Suz. I know you are here. Somehow, I just know.” He spoke, keeping his gaze on the empty wall in front of him. Suz was a nickname he gave to me. Sometimes Ally and my parents would call me that too, but it only sounds right when he says it. I have never heard anything more melodious than that word whenever it bounced off his lips.

His bottom lip began to shake and tears were b up in his eyes. “It was a mistake! I wasn’t thinking straight when I came over at that time! I had liquor before coming over… I think Ally had some too… I don’t know. It all happened in a blur…” he choked out. “Suz, you may not ever forgive me, but I need you to believe that every word I had said about loving you, are from the bottom of my heart. I know words doesn’t affirm much, but… doesn't my actions prove anything to you? Why… You…” Suho broke down. His knees hit the wooden floor with a thud and his body curled into a ball.

I know what he is feeling at that precise moment. It was exactly what I felt before I died. A terrible grief that chokes me, blurs my sight and weighs down my feet. Sorrow.

Once, I believed everything I saw with my very own eyes. Now, I learnt something. What we see, may not always be the truth. A person may look very innocent on the outside, but deep down, there may just be a beast that has yet to reveal itself. What we call, a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

Once, the four people that were the closest to me only made a mistake, but now, they are going to live with guilt for the rest of their lifes. All of us makes mistakes, but I realised that some mistakes are not atonable.

Once, I thought that no one loves or cares about me. Now, I beg to differ. Things are different, now that I look at it from a different prospective. I would like to say something to every single human being out there, alive and kicking. Please take a look at the people around you. If your thoughts were the same as mine, think again. Look again. You may just see or feel something that you may have never come across in your whole life. Remember this: People only truly love you when they saw your true self - the real you. And, never change for someone else. Change for yourself.

Once, I was an unhappy girl. Once, I was a ghost. Now, I am an angel. Watching over my family. Watching over Ally.

Watching over Suho.

Once, you were my guardian angel. Now, let me be yours.