It's weird how someone can break your heart and you still love them with all the little pieces. It's weird how you can fall in love with someone who you hate more than anything. And it's weird when all your dreams get shattered yet you still keep acting like nothing's wrong.

It was late december and the snow covered hill was becoming more and more empty as people left with the setting sun. As usual i was walking all alone in the white snow when i heard the voice of the most annoying person in the world - Daehyun. Even if i couldn't see him even his voice was pissing me off and just when i turned around to see the stupid looking intruder a snow ball came whizzing by and luckily missed my face. I stared at him in a totally annoyed look and was expecting him to start about how stupid i looked in my warm clothes 'cause that was how it usually went, but to my surprise he smiled at me and said sorry. Him and Sorry doesn't really go well together so i looked him in the eye to make sure i heard him correct. And that's when all this started.

I caught his eye and i don't know why but he looked somehow magical. His eyes were gleaming and dazzling and sparkling. And then it felt as if there were fireworks everywhere and it was just us, all alone on the snowy hills. And for some reason, after that i cant help thinking about him. I cant help dreaming about him, day and night, on and off. I began to find myself occupied in his thoughts. And I myself became a stranger to me. My mind didn't want to think about him but my heart just cant seem to let his thoughts go away. And for some reason I found myself letting every single one of my mind's defenses down. I felt the urge to follow my heart. I told myself that with him is where i belong and thats where my destiny will be. If that was what love was all about, i was so fallen in love. All of a sudden, the things that pissed me off began to seem charming. The looks i considered annoying changed to cute. And most of all, the one person i hated more than anything became my Romeo. I believed that he was where my future lies. I believed that being with him is the way my dreams will come true. But, it didn't take long for the harsh winds of winter to take away the last bit of color that was left after autumn. That was when i realized that I was all by myself, feeling hurt and abandoned, because even my heart lied to me. He already had someone else. But my heart made me believe that he was mine. He didn't care about me, but my mind refused to believe that he wouldn't love someone else. I know i shouldn't love him, but i cant just simply turn away. I try not to see him but every time he comes by, I can't help looking at him. That was when i knew i was betrayed by my own feelings. Because what i felt before was never the same now. Before i felt comfortable in his presence, it was easy to decide how i felt, but now that its clear that my heart was wrong, it feels hard to be around him. Every time I see him i feel hurt deep inside but cant look away cause i have a lot to tell him. Now that i cant help keeping a distance between us, it feels as if he is slowly moving away from me and right now this emptiness and confusion between us is killing me. And when i think about everything that happened long ago, i just realized that i always had a thing for him. Despite how much he pissed me off and annoyed me, i always waited desperately for the time to come when i could finally see him. Even if it was to quarrel, i counted the time impatiently. 

As far as I believe, the reason why i love him so much is because i doubt about the fact that someone as great as him will never come to my life twice. I am afraid that I will lose his memories along with him forever. I know that we have to fight for what we love and never let go, but there are times when you have to surrender as well. And in my case, he loves her as much as I love him, so i just cant hold on forever and keep on hurting myself. So i did the obvious, I ransomed my heart to free my mind, I ditched my feelings to create happiness in someone else's life even if that someone was the reason behind every single teardrop of mine. I had no other choice but to surrender my own love..

After days of strong cold winds, once again the sun shone bright. The dull whites of winter finally gave way to spring; the season of love. It was a new beginning. With the same love I had for him, I tried moving forward in life, but it was impossible. Everywhere I went, his thoughts followed me. Every thought in my mind brought back old memories but somehow I tried unsuccessfully to forget him. That was when the mysterious stranger - D.O - came into the picture. At first, I thought he was just one of those guys with a whole lot of ego pretending to be so in love with you while he was just being a player, but he was not like that. I avoided him, but he followed  me. I let him down, but he tried again. I told him i don't and won't love him, but he kept caring for me. The texts he sent was ignored on purpose with silly excuses but he forgave me. The calls that continuously went to my voicemail didn't seem to bother him. It didn't matter to him that i didn't care about him. It was as if he was trying to win me over by his love. And even if it didn't really effect the love in my heart for Daehyun, my heart softened a little bit. So i just decided to go away from D.O. I avoided him in every possible way and returned every gift that showed up on my doorstep. And then he started calling me often. He called at the most unexpected times like bed time, at dusk, at dawn and even at midnight and it was as if he knew when I became lonely, when i needed someone and when i wanted a shoulder to cry on. His continuous calls became irresistible and finally i began to pickup the phone. And every time i did so, i felt comfortable and safe and his caring and loving nature was like a weapon. And later on as days passed, he started begging me to be with him. Even if he didn't know who i loved, he told me to stop caring so much about someone who wouldn't care about me. He told me that he'll be there for me, forever. And then, he started begging me and telling me how he longs for me. And then i felt sympathetic for him. I knew that Daehyun will never be mine. And having gone through and having felt the same thing as D.O i told myself to accept him. So i just accepted his proposal out of sympathy once again to make someone else happy by shattering my dreams. I knew it will not last long, but i had no other choice. And then every single one of my smiles became the disguise i wore to hide a million tears. I began to go through every possible painful thing that one could suffer in love. I started bringing back the feelings that i learned to forget. I found myself continuously thinking about my past and reminiscing the good times. I tried to hide every single thing that i felt and i shielded my heart because i might love someone else beside my one and only Daehyun. And despite all this, I still believe that loving him wasn't the wrong thing. All this happened because of right love at the wrong time and right now i don't want to take the risk to fall in love again. I'm hurting myself over and over again and finally i was forced to accept that it was never meant to be. 

Just because i fell in love, i am mentally killing myself. I sacrificed my own happiness to give way to other people's happiness. I surrendered easily because i blew out the last bit of hope which was left with my own hands. I let every single fantasy of mine to slip by because of my own actions. I was foolish enough to let myself down uselessly thinking it will give me back what i want. I let an innocent guy think that I will be his forever while whatever i did was out of pure sympathy. And while I'm crying silently in my dull and quiet world, there isn't a single sound besides the sound of my lifelong dreams shattering painfully and loudly to bits on the ground.