Sunday 21/04 - 2047

Dear Chan-hee.

It's been 30 years

1565 weeks

10.957 days

262.968 hours

or 15.778.080 minutes...

It doesn't really matter how you count it, it's still time, time that I could have spent with you.

     So many precious memories we could have created, together. But life have a way to take happiness away from you, in a heartbeat. We didn't get much time together, now did we? barely 8 years, and only 5 as lovers. I don't usually write or talk about you much, even though it has been this long since... Well, you know. I guess I've never been able to really get over you.

     Can you get over the love of your life, ever? Even so... Isn't it already too late for me, to think like that now? I am 51 after all, an "old man". I have too many regrets too count, things I should have done different. I wish I would have given songwriting a go, you know how I've always loved composing my own music, and then play it for you on the piano, while you sang the lyrics (if there were any)? Of course you do, I did it all the time. Didn't I? Feels kind of stupid now when I think about it, our small talks about what we wanted from life. Nothing turned out as we thought it would though.

We were supposed to continue as Teen Top, being in those stupid reality shows and make completely random videos that we would tweet or instagram to our fans, like we always did.

     I still remember our first kiss, it was on a ferris wheel, here in Seoul. We were probably both scared as hell, I know I was. I don't know how I managed to do it, but I'm so glad I did. we were almost at the top, when I took your hand in mine, you looked up, with those amazing brown eyes of your's. I couldn't help myself, so I stole a small, but sweet kiss from your soft lips. We looked like too tomatoes for the rest of the ride... But it was worth it, if I hadn't done it... We might have never gotten together, and that... I would have never forgiven myself for.

     Chan-hee? Why did you leave me? Am I not good enough for you? I beg of you, please... come back. I need you... My life have been a living hell without you, TOP Media wanted Teen Top to keep going, but with a new replacement... but I couldn't, it was supposed to be the six of us. So I quit, both Teen Top and singing... for good. I just couldn't watch all the commotion around your death. I then deleted both mine and your facebook, tumblr, twitter and all our other social networks. I wanted to be left alone. I hate it when people recognize me now. It's like a constant reminder of who I used to be, and what I used to have...

     When you were lying on your deathbed you made me promise something... I have regretted the rest of my life. I... Promised you, that I wouldn't rush my death, you wanted me to be happy, to live a long and amazing life, but... It didn't turn out that way... now did it?

     Do you remember our first Valentines day as a couple? I was sleeping on the couch, exhausted from being up way too late (as usual) composing music. You woke me up by gently by shaking my shoulder.

"Oppa!... Byung-hun oppa wake up!"

When I opened my eyes I was greeted by your beautiful smile, that always had a way of making me feel so alive. You then handed me a bouquet of red roses. My lips formed a smile as i chuckled a bit.

"Why, what's the occasion?"

"Well, It's Valentine? I thought you knew since you were up ALL night scrolling through tumblr?" You looked down, with a slight tone of disappointment in your voice. Believe me when I say that, right there and then I wished for the floor to me down into a dark vortex of misery. I felt awful, and I hope you'll forgive me for my incompetence.

" Oh, . Chan-hee... I love you so much." I grabbed you by your wrist and pulled you into a long, and quite passionate kiss, (from both participants may I add). I traced along your back and took a hold by the end of your shirt and tugged it of. "Crap, Byung-hun! The flowers!" You pulled away as I had accidently landed on them when I pulled you onto the sofa.

"OMG, Chan-hee I'm so so sorry!"

I was such a jerk, only thinking about ... God, I was such an idiot.

     You sighed and tried to look hurt, It worked for about two consecutive seconds, then we both bursted into a fit of laughter. I took up, the now quite flat roses and it wasn't until then that I noticed the small card that was tucked in between the roses. I gently pulled it out, so that I wouldn't get stung by the thorns. The card was small, but it has been the most precious memory I have of us, together. The message itself was short, only 6 words.

"My love for you grows."

Those were the same 6 words on every single bouquet I was given,, from you... every single Valentine.

Then you died the 21 of April 2017... And I knew, that I would never have a Valentine ever again.

     Almost a year later, Valentine came and it was the loneliest of times, I have never experienced such hurt since then. There was a knock on the door, so I slowly, but unwillingly shuffled over to see who was disturbing me. It was a young man, in his mid twenties. He had a bouquet of red roses with a card stuck to one of them. He handed me the flowers and left me standing by the door... I couldn't move, It was like my whole body had gone numb. I could see how my hand grabbed the little card and unfolded it.

"My love for you is eternal"

I felt how tears were streaming down my face. I felt happy it was as if you were still here, with me. but my happiness only lasted for an instant. A hot rage had boiled up and were completely taking over my body, I had grabbed the keys and thrown my jacket on, and before I even had noticed it myself, I was in the car, driving to the florist. With the bouquet in my tight grip I stormed inside the shop. This had to be a mistake, a BIG mistake. You were dead, you couldn't possibly give me flowers when you're dead! I stood by the door, still clutching the life out of the poor roses. The storekeeper then checked who the flowers came from.

How could you? You knew you were going to die, didn't you? You prepared this! Why didn't you tell me, Chan-hee? No secrets, right? Thats what you told me! But you still kept something so big from me? You have paid and prepared for a bouquet of red roses with the short message "My love for you is eternal" to be sent to Lee Byung-hun once every year on the 14th of February. For more than my lifetime, just to make sure that I won't have to go without one, on a single Valentine.

Damn you.

How do you expect me to move on when you keep reminding me? Even if I'd want to forget you, which I don't. I hate having to be sent a bouquet of memories filled with despair, loss and hurt every single year. Don't you understand just how much it actually hurts? I hate you for it, but. You know I can't hate you forever.

You are still my one true love, my soulmate, my other half. Without you. I can't breath.

I'm falling in love with you all over again... every single Valentine, I fall in love. Over, and over again.

Thank you, Chan-hee, for being the one. No one could ever replace you in my heart, or be by my side the way you always were, ever.

And. I'm sorry.

That I won't be able to keep our promise, I just can't, not anymore.

so I guess... I'll see you soon.

My precious Chunji oppa.

Your's always - Byung-hun

-Isa Sophie Ring