I once hear some people said, there are only two infinite things that exist. The first is universe, even though I’m not really sure about that. And the second is…human’s mind.

It may sound absurd but the second one is more believable. At least, I knew someone that can be the prove of that theory.

Boston, Massachusetts.

Summer 2003.

It is a warm gathering. The nice café near Quincy house is filled with mostly young people with small eyes and bright complexion. Actually it is the first time I attend this kind of gathering. My classmate Fei told me that once a month there’s a gathering of Asian students that study in Boston. I never heard of that, I guess it’s because I’m in the second year and I’m too busy paying attention to my grade until I turn into some kind of wallflower. Turns out the gathering is not bad. I gain a lot of new friends, thanks to my ‘loud’ and bubbly personality. Asian is minority in this city, so it’s nice to meet some people that come from the same place as us.

The gathering is about to end, when suddenly Fei introduce someone to me. A guy that looks slightly look younger than me. He looks quiet but calm…and somehow mysterious.

“This is Myungsoo. He’s also from South Korea.” Fei said as that guy give me hand to shake. I give him smile and nodded.

“I’m Hoya... born in Busan, but my family moved to Philippines when I was in high school. Nice to meet you.”

“Myungsoo is just move from dormitory and he’s looking for apartment. I heard you were looking for roommate.” Fei explained. It’s true, renting apartment in Boston is quite expensive. I still managed to pay it, but I thought it will be better to have roommate that can share the payment. My apartment is quite big anyway.

“Yeah…I rented around Cambridge, near Charles River.” I smiles.

“That’s good. The location is nice. Sure you still need roommate? I mean, not just I’m gonna pay half of the fee, I’m pretty good at cleaning the house actually.” Myungsoo said with smile.

“Sure. I’ll have the room ready.”

“Then I can move in soon?”

“Yeah…Just come anytime you’re ready.”

And then we talked a lot. Me and Myungsoo, after Fei leaving us. I find out that he’s actually the same age as me, but he’s already at 3^rd years studying Physic in MIT. From that fact and also the way he talks, I can see that he’s a very smart person. Later I found out that he’s one of the Mensa members, the organization of people with highest IQ score in the world. That’s a little bit scares me actually. He’s the quiet type, but nice and warm. I’m sure it won’t be bad if I got that kind of roommate.

That’s the first time I met that person. My roommate. My best friend. A nice guy. Also…the most complicated human being I ever known.

Autumn 2003.

I just got back from campus at 5 PM. I saw Myungsoo on his usual study desk with a lot of colorful papers in front of him. He smiles and turns around as I enter the living room.

            “You’re back.” He said while turn around and facing back his papers.

            “Yeah…what are you doing?” I asked curious about the colorful papers that look like what the teacher in pre-school use for kids.

            “Just some kind of side project. You know…experiment.”

            “Ah…I’m glad you’re not using cats again this time.” I said. It’s true. Last week Myungsoo used cats and box with poison for an experiment of Schrödinger Theory. You know…theory about super string and parallel world, that I don’t even know for sure the purpose is. I always hate Science in my school days. Especially when it’s come to use the living creatures as experiment project. I think it’s cruel, well…and a little bit scary. Myungsoo just laughs on me.

            “Actually…it’s the continuation of that.”

            “Really? O..kay…Don’t tell me the story about mathematical quotation and Planck theory again this time. I’ll fall asleep for sure.” I said lazily.

            “How can you be so sure that you’ll fall asleep? You don’t listen to my story yet.” He chuckles.

            “I can predict it. It’s the biggest possibility.”

            “Possibilities will always be possibilities if no one takes action to choose it. It will always end up being an option. Not reality.” Myungsoo said in determination.

            “But possibilities are real…” I argue.

            “No they’re not…They’re just particles that form a world of potentials, not facts. Choice is what drives us to paths that flows us to the results. Choice is real.” He smiles as if he’s enjoying this unfair debate.

            “O…kay…so we end up talking about ‘particles’ and ‘flows’…Can we move to another subject that will be less damaging for a mediocre Literature students like me?” I whined.

            “Sorry…I’m just too excited with my project.” He laughs. He’s always like that, talking about confusing subject effortlessly and the laugh like a normal person. Confusing.

Summer 2004

Myungsoo got internship position in research institute in Boston, being the only undergraduate also overseas student that can achieved that. Well, that’s not really surprising for me; everyone knows Myungsoo is super smart. Some people even think that he’s maybe not a human after all. People assume that smart person like him might have some weird personality. But me, as a person who has been lived in the same roof with him almost a year, knows that Myungsoo actually just a normal person. He’s quiet but witty and funny. Just like any other guy. He likes Scarlett Johansson, he’s Nutella addict, big fan of Red Sox, likes watching Girl’s Generation music video, loves 30 Seconds to Mars and he’s a tough drinker. He’s kind, likes jokes and sometimes just playfully innocent. So cool and normal. But I can’t lie that sometimes he’s just…oddly mysterious.

Like one night when he asked me a very random question while eating burritos and watching Downton Abbey in our living room.

            “Hoya, do you believe in God?” He asked while take a bite of his burritos.

            “What?” That random question makes me choked on my cola.

            “Do you believe that God really exists?” He repeats the question. I look at him in dazed.

            “Well…I do. I guess He really exists. I mean, I do have religion.”

            “Do you believe in God because you have religion or do you choose religion after you believe in God?” He asked more complicated question.

            “O…kay…that’s…so…tricky.” I’m stuttering.

            “Answer it…I’m curious.”

            “Neither of that.” I said finally.

            “Why? Then what you believe?”

            “I believe that God is exists because I believe it. Just believe it. Like a tough dogma that can’t be questioned. It can be wrong. But that’s the thing about faith…you don’t question it.” I said calmly. Actually I don’t know how I can say those words. Myungsoo seems fixed his attention towards me.

            “I got it. Then what do you think God is?” He asked again.

“Well, that’s tough. I believe it is a presence of deep and emotional figure, a superior reasoning of power in the infinite universe. You don’t see, but you feel it. I think that’s my idea about God. Why do you ask anyway?” I asked back. He just scoffed like a little kid.

“It’s just confusing for me. Is the idea about God is always that confusing? Just like playing dice in a giant board game named universe. You thought it’s simple and easy, but turns out its tricky.” He said while take another bite of his burrito.

“God does not play dice with the universe, Myungsoo. That’s what’s Einstein said.” I said with smile. Myungsoo smiles back while casually pour cola on his glass.

“Well…Einstein was wrong when he said that. "God does not play dice." Look at the existence of black holes, not only that God does play dice, but that he sometimes confuses us by throwing them where they can't be seen. Tricky, right?” He said before gulping down on his cola.

I can’t say anything anymore. Not just because I know it won’t end if we continue, but also I find what he said is partly right. Sometimes God throw things that we can’t see to confuse us. Maybe He’s indeed playing dice.

Winter 2004

One of the most unfortunate things of being foreign student is, you rarely can go home for holiday. No summer camp with childhood friends, no thanksgiving with family, because plane ticket is usually expensive in this period. It’s good to have some friends around to spend the whole winter at least. Throwing pity party and watching Super Bowl until late night. I’m luckier, because at least I have girl friend to be asked for dinner date.

I slowly knock on Myungsoo’s room door while holding a cup of hot chocolate in my hand. I hear he said ‘come in’ before I twist the door knobs and entering the room. I saw him on his study desk, writing something with blue colored pencil. He coughs a little, indicating how bad the flu caught him.

“Here…drink this. I bought some cold my medicine on my way home earlier. Drink it…” I said while handing him the cup and pack of medicine.

“Thanks…How was your date? I heard Jenny got internship offering in D.A office.” He said while drinking the hot chocolate.

“Yeah…thanks to her brave spirit of ‘loving the law’, she told me to send you ‘get well soon’ wish.” I said. My girlfriend is Korean-American. She is studying law in B.U, and she’s so passionate about her study.

“Well, send my love for her…” He said while turns around and facing back his paper notes.

“What are you doing actually? You spend too much time in the research lab. No wonder you got that flu.” I said while took a peek curiously on his work.

“I’m doing a very serious project.” He smiles wickedly.

“How serious?”

“Like very serious. If this thing works I may be able to play the dice with God.”

“And what does that mean?”

“I’m building a path…of an ideal parallel world when we can see infinite possibilities.”

He said with smile. Somehow that smile gives a strange vibe to me, like sending a weird chills and it scares me. I wonder what kind of project that he’s working on right now.

Summer 2005

It’s my last year and I’m getting busy with my thesis writing. I do a lot of research and it makes me spend less time in home. Even I only meet Myungsoo in the early morning when I’m about to go out and in the late night when I’m about to sleep. We rarely hang out these days.

One night I come home at 8 PM, a little bit earlier than usual. I saw Myungsoo sitting on the couch in the living room. He smiles and greets me as usual as I enter the room. I saw him holding a photo book and read it happily. That photo book draws my attention.

            “What do you read?” I said while taking off my coat.

            “A photo book.”

            “I can see that. But what photo book?”

            “A photo book that happen to be my birthday present.” He smiles. “Come here, take a look of this. She’s the one who gave it to me.” He showed me a photograph of a young girl in a high school uniform, smiling towards the camera.

            “Pretty. Who is he?”

            “Suzy. My girlfriend in high school.” He smiles as he keeps looking to that photo.

            “Odd name for a Korean.”

“She’s half-English half Korean. That’s why she looks pretty decent.”

“I don’t know that a nerd like you can draw attention from a beautiful girl like that.” I said jokingly. He laughs quite loud.

            “I have no idea either. But I guess it’s just happened that way. She’s a transferred to our school when I was 2^nd grade. She’s funny, unique and charming. A little bit odd actually. She’s like you…she’s God believer.”

            “Let me guess…you guys broke up before you went to US.” I said.

            “Yeah…Unfortunate. I really did like her. No, I do like her.”

            “Well, you’re young…sacrificing love for dreams is what young people do. If they’re meant to be, love can wait.” I said casually. Myungsoo just chuckled.

            “I thought like that too. But she can’t wait.”

            “Why? Where is she now? She found another guy?” I asked curiously.

            “She’s gone. All alone in her own universe.” Myungsoo said with wondering eyes. Actually I don’t get what he mean, but from the look on his face…I guess she’s really gone.

But not for long.

Autumn 2005

I was on my way to pick Jenny form D.A office when suddenly I got a call from unknown number. A man introduced himself as Myungsoo’s brother. He said he needs to meet me and asking for my help. To be truth I don’t get it, what kind of help that he wants from me. But I agree to meet him the next day.

            “Kim Sunggyu. Nice to meet you.” He shakes my hand.

            “I’m Lee Howon, call me Hoya. Nice to meet you too.”

            “Myungsoo once told me that his roommate is nice and kind guy. I guess he forgot to add ‘young’ and ‘handsome’.” He said with smile and I smile back.

            “Actually…I have no idea why do you want my help? Is it about Myungsoo?” I asked.

            “Yeah…I want you to help my brother.”

            “What do you mean help? Myungsoo doesn’t seem like need any help.” I chuckled.

            “He is. In a certain way.” He said. I don’t really get it actually, but suddenly he takes something from his bag. A photograph that I once saw.

            “Do you know this person?” He asked me while pointing at the photo.

            “If I’m not wrong, she’s Suzy. His ex-girfriend.”

            “Yeah…I want tell you about her.” He said.

After Myungsoo’s brother tells me the full story, I found my self driving fast to home. To be honest, I already got this strange feeling since the first time Myungsoo tell me about Suzy. There’s something weird with their story that match with Myungsoo’s odd-behavior. I enter the apartment quickly, looking for my roommate’s presence. But the light is off, seems like he’s not home yet. I walk to his room, only to find it empty. And only to see the pile of weird and long physic equation in his desk. I don’t know why, but I feel so worried and I end up calling him. But no answer.

Later I feel so relieved when finally Myungsoo come home almost midnight. I wait for him in the living room, and he can see the strange expression in my face as soon as he saw me.

“I met your brother today.” I said as soon as he steps into the living room.

“I know. He called me yesterday that he’s gonna be in town.”

“He told me about Suzy.” I look at him, hoping for some reaction, but he just on his usual calm state.

“Oh…I see.” He said casually.

“Myungsoo…are you serious about that? Tell me that it’s not serious.” I begin to confront him.

“Well…I never play with my work. I do everything seriously.”

“Then you need to stop it, Myungsoo. It’s impossible.” I raise my voice.

“It is possible! It is always be a possibility, Hoya. Only that there’s no one dare enough to take action to choose it. But I will.” He said with raised tone.

“Myungsoo…Suzy is dead. You can’t revive dead person.” I said carefully, like trying to make 5 years old kid understand that he can’t eat crayon even though it’s colorfully beautiful.

“You got it wrong, Hoya. I know damn well she’s dead. And I’m not gonna revive her. I can’t. But I can find her…in other universe.”

The words that come out from his mouth are the most surprising word I ever heard. On that moment, Myungsoo’s brother story just flooding back to my memory lane.

Myungsoo is always been a special kid. Not just because he’s super-smart and handsome, but also he’s always been so brave and bold. He’s a center of admiration. But sometimes he’s also weird, I don’t mind that…my brother can be weird but he’s always lovable. Until one day the unsociable Myungsoo changes after he met Suzy. The beautiful girl that transferred to his school in the second year. I guess it’s funny how two weird people can match so perfectly. I thought Myungsoo and Suzy is just the reminder of pure and lovely first love. Young, bold, odd and impossible to forget. But I was wrong, they always been more than that. They might be young…but they’re serious and deep. Until one day a letter from MIT came to our house.

Like I said before, Myungsoo is always special. I knew it, and I’m no longer surprised when he got accepted in the best research university in the world through special admission. It always like his destiny. But what surprises me is…the fact that Myungsoo once considering to reject it. Because he didn’t want leave her. Its surprises me how serious they are. I mean, how important Suzy for him. Our family scolds him a lot for that. We remind him on how important dream is; that he’s young and he should take this opportunity. Well, at the end…he did. He broke up with Suzy and went to US a month later. I bet Myungsoo thought that Suzy will wait for him. That their life will end up like a teenage movie where they’re fated with who their meant to be. That Suzy will jump to his embrace 4 years later.

But Suzy jump from the rooftop of her college building instead.

3 month after Myungsoo left. It was like a chaos. I fly to Boston just to check up on him. I bet he blame himself and think that her death was partly his fault. Well, it wasn’t. Because Suzy’s family told us that their daughter’s mental status was unstable since the beginning before they move from England. But still…I bet it will be hurt so much for Myungsoo. But I saw different sight when I arrived…Myungsoo seems so fine. Like he doesn’t react to the news. He didn’t cry or look sad. He just sighed…and smiles.

We thought everything will be just fine and Myungsoo already get over it. He still continue his study excellently, even he took majored in Quantum Physic, the most difficult subject. Everything just going fine, until his professor in research institute called my dad few months. He told us about Myungsoo’s interest in leading the quantum mechanical project on the research of parallel world. We thought it was normal. Parallel universe is always an interesting project for scientist. But at the end…the professor told us that Myungsoo gave a name to that project. It called Project Suzy. The professor asked us…who is Suzy? Because Myungsoo said that he wants to find another Suzy.

“I almost complete the equation to operate this project, Hoya. I can do this.” Myungsoo said in determination. I just shook my head.

“Myungsoo…”

“It may sound strange to you. Well, quantum mechanic is the form of appreciation to the strangeness of the world. It basically just shifts from the state you called reality, a transition of your life from ordinary to extraordinary. It’s cosmic, practical and physical. And it allows you to move… moment by moment, through parallel worlds to achieve your dreams.” He explained. It’s hard for me to understand what he actually said.

“Myungsoo, stop…”

“You may think that I’m a mad scientist, don’t you? I bet I look so pathetic in your eyes. Doing all this stuff just to find another real figure of the girl that I love. But that’s it, Hoya…it’s not only God who play dice. Love also play the hard and ruthless dice game.” He laughs and I don’t know why it feels so bitter.

“Myungsoo, you don’t need to find another universe just to find love. It’s in this world. You can find it anywhere.” I said carefully, try to convince him.

“You bet I won’t succeed.” He smiles bitterly.

“No, I bet you’ll get lost. Just like in the tricky black holes.” I said. Maybe it sounds cruel, but I hope it will snap him back to his sense.

“Well, then give me a week. Let see which possibilities turns to reality.” He smiles. Funny how his smiles look so pure and sincere to me. I don’t know what to do. I know I’ll always lose when I argue with him. So I just nodded, hope that he will understand what I said earlier.

4 days later.

I wake up at 6 in the morning, quickly run to shower because I need to meet my thesis advisor in 7.30. I walk from my room to the bathroom and passed by Myungsoo’s room. That’s the moment when I feel like I’ve been by the lightning. I find the door opened. I can see the whole room from outside the door. I walk with my trembling leg…slowly towards the room. My shivering hands grip into the door frame as my eyes got widened.

The room is empty. Like completely empty. Like it was never been occupied. Like no one was there at all. The only things left are the soft colored wall painting, the empty bed and empty desk. It’s gone. The messy colorful papers, notes full of equation, the blue colored pencils, the thick books about physic, the flag of Red Sox, the stacks of Girl’s Generation CD, even the poster of Scarlett Johansson. It’s all gone. Like it was never there. Myungsoo is gone. Like he was never here.

But I know he was here. Because he left a trace. A tiny mark on the corner of his study desk. Looks like he carved it with sharp object. A symbol of infinity.

 ∞

Upper West Side, Manhattan, New York City

Spring 2013

I was typing on my working desk, editing the headline articles for next week when suddenly my phone buzzes; the smiling face of Jenny appears on the screen. I smile as I press the green button.

            “Hi…how’s it going?” I said while keep typing.

            “Fine. They said I can start working by Monday.” Jenny’s happy voice makes my smile widened. She was interviewed for associate position in a big law-firm in New York. She left her job and D.A’s office last year and move to New York a few month ago. It’s nice to have her with me right now.

            “Well, that’s…fantastic. Oh, I’m so proud of you. Let’s meet at lunch. Celebration.”

            “Okay…anyway, do you remember one of your classmates from the college? The Chinese girl with long hair and wide eyes.” Suddenly she asked.

            “Mmm…Fei?”

            “Yeah, I met her just now.” Jenny said.

            “Well, I thought she’s in DC.”

            “Yeah, but she come by the house and give me something. She said I need to give it to you.” She said in a curious tone.

            “And what is it?”

            “Wait a second…I look into it right now. Looks like it’s a…letter…inside an envelope…without postage stamp.” I imagine she hold into the envelope with maximum curiosity right now.

            “Weird…where is it come from anyway?” I said while still typing on my key board.

            “Hoya…” Suddenly Jenny’s voice tone changed.

            “What?” My fingers stop typing.

            “There’s sender’s name.”

            “Who is it?” I feel my heartbeats pumped.

            “I think it is Myungsoo’s handwriting.”

My heart beats harder after I hear that. There’s a moment when I just spaced out thinking about what Jenny just said. But fifteen minutes later I find myself driving to my home, the place where Jenny is right now. As I enter the house I find her sitting in the living room, holding an envelope on her hand. She looks at me with a surprised expression. I walk towards her, while her hand gives me the envelope. I sit beside her before look closely to the handwriting on the envelope. It’s indeed Myungsoo’s handwriting. My hands trembling as I starts to open the envelope, revealing a plain white paper filled with the same handwriting.

Dear, Hoya…

It’s been the long time, right? I bet you surprised when you got this letter. Well, actually I have no intention to write to anyone, not even my family. But I figure out that you are my friend, you always trust me no matter how confusing I was. So I guess you deserve to hear from me. To be honest I lost count on how many years passed since the day I left out apartment in Boston. I’m sorry that I left without saying goodbye to you. Well, actually…I want to do that in through this letter. Saying goodbye.

I’m doing a lot of stuffs after I left, and a lot of them surprise me. That’s makes me have no regret on being a scientist. I’m indeed born for this. I learned a lot of amazing things. One of the most surprising is that in modern physics, there is no such thing as "nothing." Particles are constantly being created and destroyed. Gaining and losing. The existence of these particles is not mathematical fiction. Though they cannot be directly observed, the effects they create are real. Yeah…they’re real, Hoya... And it’s just amazing to find out how our little mind is actually infinite.

But I also find out about the thing you said earlier, you were right…on the thing you said about God. An emotional presence about superior power in infinite universe. Do you know why I believe you were right? Because as I move forward on this thing, it’s getting easier to feel the existence. The presence. Maybe I should believe that God really exist.

Yeah, so that’s it…I’m really glad that I can tell you something about how I am doing. I hope this letter really reach you wherever you are now. I believe right now you’re starting a good and happy life, and I’m glad just imagining it. This will be the last time you hear from me. But don’t worry…I’ll be fine; I’ll always be fine in whatever I do and wherever I go. Thank you for being so open for me, Hoya. I wish we can find everything that we wish for.

Love you, dude.

Myungsoo

PS: Send my love for Jenny, I bet you guys are still together.

I finished read the letter when I feel my tears come out as I smile. It’s really a sincere smile. I don’t know why, but I feel so relieved. Somehow I know it will be happen. His brother is right, Myungsoo is special. He’s always been special. I fold the letter and put it back on the envelope when Jenny put her hand on my shoulder.

            “What is it said? How’s Myungsoo?” She looks at me with curious eyes.

            “He’s alright. He will always be alright.” I smile reassured.

            “Where is he now?”

            “He’s on the train. On his way of an infinite journey.”