“WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!” Baekhyun yells through the walls when Yixing has forced him down against his will while Junmyeon tries to stab his arm with a scalpel. He has all the rights to protest. “STOP!”

“HOLD HIM DOWN DAMN IT!” As Junmyeon yells, Yixing presses his hands on Baekhyun’s shoulder blades deeper, making Baekhyun scream back in pain. Baekhyun tries to look but all he got was Junmyeon giving him a sly grin before stabbing his arm repeatedly with force.

“AHHHHHH!!!” Baekhyun screamed at every stab yet it seemed like his voice isn’t coming out.

“Baekhyun.”

He gasps as he opens his eyes.

“Baekhyun?”

Baekhyun flinches slightly at the sound of Junmyeon’s voice. He breathes heavily as the sweat drips down his face. “You stabbed me…”

“You were having a nightmare. It wasn’t real.” Junmyeon tells him reassuringly while caressing his shoulders.

Baekhyun closes his eyes and swallows. “My arm is bleeding.”

Junmyeon shakes his head in worry. “No, it’s okay now,” He grabs the edge of the sheets. “Your arm is not—“ He gasps, his mind clouded with tangled logic and fear, when he’s greeted with numerous holes on Baekhyun’s arm, each reeking and dripping with blood.





“Lesions aren’t explained by Parkinson’s.” Junmyeon announced to the room.

Kris nods. “Any theories?”

Aside from the fact that Yixing is present in the discussion half-heartedly, Junmyeon also has no more ideas in his mind even when he tried to squeeze his brain, and so Kris doesn’t get a reply. Kris walks around for a moment before finally speaking up. “What about vasculitis?”

“MRI didn’t indicate any cerebral ischemia.” Yixing retorts immediately.

“But he has shown some focal weakness, urinary retention.”

“Yes, those are his big mystery symptoms, not the hallucinations that vasculitis doesn’t explain.”

“Unless it’s retinal vasculitis.”

Yixing sighs in exasperation and turns his head to glower at Junmyeon. “Junmyeon, please remind the highest paid doctor here, that visual symptoms are an electrical issue, not vascular, two separate systems—“

Kris leans on the wall. “So are the banks and the power grid but if I don’t pay my bills, my lights go out.”

The silence comes and Junmyeon feels their stares pierce through him. “Uh,” He clears his throat. “Vasculitis restricts blood flow to nerves,” Yixing rolls his eyes in exasperation. “Messes with electrical function.”

“Acute intermittent Porphyria is a better fit.” Yixing argues as-a-matter-of-factly.

Kris smirks. “If you’re wrong about Porphyria, the treatment could box his kidneys. Vasculitis is treated with corticosteroids, relatively harmless.”

Junmyeon stands up. “Okay, I’ll start him on corticosteroids—“

Yixing perks up. “Junmyeon, he’s not—“

“And you two will test for both so you can stop whining.”




“When your retinas see something, they send electrical signals to your brain,” Kris explains as he positions Baekhyun properly in front of the machine, the bands at the corner of his eyes slowly pulling the skin apart. “These lenses will pick up those signals.”

Junmyeon leans closer to the machine. “If the signals are misfiring, it’ll confirm that your hallucinations were caused by—“

“They’re not hallucinations,” Baekhyun cuts him off and Junmyeon glances at Kris who decided to keep quiet. “Tell them Chanyeol,”

Chanyeol rubs his back and chuckles. “Baby, they’re doctors. They must know what they’re doing.”

“If they know what they’re doing, they wouldn’t be doing a series of unrelated tests.”

Junmyeon motions at Kris and Kris quietly moves to the back as the test continues. He glances at Baekhyun behind his back before leaning closer to Kris for a whisper. “You need to do something about this,” He sees Kris’ baffled expression so he immediately continues. “I’m not taking Yixing’s side. Whoever is right between the two of you is none of my concern. But you have to think ahead. If we do treat Baekhyun, most likely we’ll be treating the hallucinations too. And I’m sure he wouldn’t want them to go.”

Kris didn’t have anything to say because everything Junmyeon said was true. Between all the people around Baekhyun, Baekhyun trusts him the most. Kris doesn’t know if he should be happy because as strong as he looks on the outside, he can’t bear seeing the hurt on Baekhyun’s face if ever he would have to convince him itself about the reality that Chanyeol is dead and that his brain is ed up enough to make up images of him. It’s like killing Chanyeol again. Nobody would want that. Not even Kris so he can’t. He can’t make Baekhyun push him away. He can live like this forever as long as Baekhyun doesn’t push him away. It’s okay for him to see Baekhyun love someone else when he’s the one who’s real.

“This isn’t working,” Baekhyun says hoarsely, alarming the two doctors. “You’re just making me sicker—“ He leans back abruptly, upper body slightly curling as he makes choking noises.

Junmyeon and Kris immediately run beside him. “What’s wrong?” Junmyeon asks as Baekhyun leans his neck to the back of the chair.

“My stomach, it hurts.” Baekhyun replies lifelessly as he tries to ease out the pain by himself but as soon as he finished speaking, his body acts up and he leans forward and started vomiting blood all over the floor. Junmyeon immediately runs to the phone as Kris tries to steady Baekhyun who is leaning back, mouth and lips covered with blood.

“Code in the eye lab!” Junmyeon says through the speaker.

“Lean forward, Baekhyun,” Kris says worriedly but with a hint of stern. “You’re gonna aspirate.”

“I can’t, it hurts!” Baekhyun yells, his body shaking in pain.




Kris tried. He thought he was done trying after all these years ever since his weakness made him lose patients after patients, but ever since Baekhyun got admitted, he’s like watching a movie of himself over and over again, the only problem is the player is stuck in the beginning where his emotions played better than his mind, resulting in his diagnosis getting affected with his feelings, making him lose patients. And he’s scared that it’s happening with Baekhyun again.

It’s that stupid weakness. It’s that feeling that can ruin him if he hurts Baekhyun by killing Chanyeol again. He doesn’t know to what extent Baekhyun has loved that bastard but to live in a world different than theirs, where Chanyeol is alive, already says a lot, more than the answer Kris wants. So he can’t take away what makes Baekhyun happy, even though it’s hurting them both.




“Spleen’s ripe to bursting,” Minseok says through his mask, his hands busy playing with the surgical scissors cutting through Baekhyun’s cut open organs. The operation started half an hour ago and yet the surprise he felt when they were pushing Baekhyun’s cart in has never left. Everybody knows. “You guys thought it was vasculitis?”

Junmyeon, present to assist in the surgery, glances at Baekhyun’s face before deciding not to answer. He clears his throat. “You worked here even before Yixing and Baekhyun came right?” He asks instead.

“Yeah,” Minseok replies nonchalantly. “Got a lot of blood in here. Sponge.”

Junmyeon grabs the sponge behind him and applies it on the blood-filled area. “Then Baekhyun and Yixing knew each other right?”

“No,” Minseok answers quickly, surprising Junmyeon. Minseok quickly glances up at him before continuing to the procedure. “The fact that you’re asking me this when you could’ve gotten the answer from Yixing himself tells me you don’t need to know about this.”

“Nobody’s telling me anything.”

“Don’t care,” Minseok says, standing up straight to pass the damaged part of his spleen to Junmyeon. “Besides, even if I do want to tell you, Yixing’s watching,” Junmyeon crooks his eyebrows at him. “Not a metaphor. Look up.”

Junmyeon looks up immediately at the watcher’s area of the operation room and sees Yixing leaning on the wall, hands crossed against his chest, looking down at them. Yixing reaches his hand to the speaker to press the button. “Are you going to continue your investigation or you gonna do something about all that bleeding?”

Minseok gives him a look before continuing the procedure. He pauses. “That’s not coming from the spleen. It’s the liver.”

“It’s necrotic.” Junmyeon adds, trying to refrain from sounding too worried.

“He’s dying from the inside out.”




“Enlarged spleen and liver failure are classic AIP. It’s Porphyria and it’s moving fast.”

Kris looks up. “PBGs were negative. If you read the reports—“

“PBG tests are only conclusive if done during an attack which you would know if you were a real doctor right now.”

Junmyeon sighs. Doctors arguing about patient test results are probably the most annoying thing to watch but in this matter, it’s Kris and Yixing and seeing these two fight to no end is more than entertaining. He couldn’t refrain from smiling. “That is so great.”

“What.” Kris and Yixing deadpans in unison.

“Fighting, letting out all your emotions. Couldn’t care less about the patient, but it all works out the same.” Junmyeon shrugs his shoulders.

Kris shakes his head. “It could still be vascular.”

Yixing groans, his patients meter slowly exploding from exasperation. “Vasculitis is off the board. Steroid treatment didn’t help.”

“Vascular isn’t just vasculitis. Something’s gotta be cutting off the blood supply to his liver and spleen.”

Junmyeon stands up. “Then we’ll do a visceral angiogram!”

Yixing walks towards him, his annoyance exploding all over his face. “You’re kidding right? He can’t be right every single time!”

“He’ll have to realize that himself.” Junmyeon answers before walking out of the room, leaving the two doctors dumbfounded.




As soon as Junmyeon realizes it, proper protective suit on, tubes ready at the testing room and with Baekhyun already lied on the steel bed, he regretted acting up earlier because now he’ll have to do the angiogram by himself. He had no choice anyway. He grabbed the tube beside Baekhyun’s hand but his eyes were immediately redirected to the silver around his neck.

Baekhyun turns his head when he notices Junmyeon staring. “What’s wrong?”

“Oh, uh, nothing. Your necklace…”

Baekhyun smirks. “Ah. Kris gave it to me. Pretty, right?”

Junmyeon nods with a smile. He notices the sweat on Baekhyun’s forehead. “The test is done now.” He announces as he grabs a cloth from the steel table beside the bed. Before he can even turn back to Baekhyun, Baekhyun’s hand reached to grip his thigh. Junmyeon crooks his eyebrows at him and notices an odd look on his face, save the smirk.

“I’m pretty too, right?”

“What—“ Junmyeon gasps when Baekhyun’s hand slides up near his crotch area. “What are you doing?!” He immediately moves back, grabbing Baekhyun’s hand in the process.




Yixing breathes in the cold air of the coming night. The pressure inside the hospital for him was starting to get to him so he decides to stay outside, at the benches, for a while to give himself time. He can’t say he didn’t expect this to happen, this is Baekhyun they’re dealing with, a close friend—an important close friend—not just another patient so of course their own feelings getting mixed up in between the whole process of diagnosis is inevitable. Still, he still wished it can be avoided nonetheless. He didn’t want any of their judgments to be affected because of that.

His pager goes off, forcing him to go back inside the hospital.

On the way to back from a patient’s room, he sees Baekhyun’s friends coming out of the elevator, something he should already be used by now but no, he just can’t. Seeing them joke around Baekhyun takes him back to the pain he felt the first time Baekhyun woke up and not recognizing him. And maybe the pride he has kept in himself managed to help him get through the daily work shifts like a normal person, a normal doctor, but when it comes down to it, every time he remembers, he stays at the locker room and cry for hours. Sometimes Kris would see him but that’s no different because he feels what he feels. And maybe that mutuality has given him enough strength for him to take this case. He expected Kris to understand him. But Kris has this undeniable feeling towards Baekhyun that Yixing would find okay if not for the fact that Baekhyun’s mind is ed up and that Kris is just making it worse.

He decides to go back to Kris’ office, expecting the man to be out helping Junmyeon with the angiogram but seeing one of Baekhyun’s friends, Jongin, walk out of the room with a frown on his face tells him he should’ve left. Kris sees him by the door. “I thought you helped Junmyeon.” Kris asks.

“I thought you did.” Yixing retorts while walking inside.

“Guys! I know what he has!” Junmyeon suddenly appears by the door, startling them both.

“What happened to the angiogram?”

“Didn’t do it. He started groping me.” Junmyeon sees the stupefied looks directed on him. “Not important.” He says as if it can convince the two doctors that Baekhyun groping Junmyeon is not important or relevant in all sense. “This is more important. Mushrooms aren’t the only thing that got people stoned to death, jimson weed, belladonna, mandrake root and moldy bread. It’s ergot poisoning.” He announces proudly.

Yixing crooks his eyebrows as it slowly makes sense. “You’ll need damp grain, completely unprocessed—“

“—and untreated, like what’s in that organic rye bread he’s been eating.” Kris finishes for him while also slightly getting baffled.

“It’s why he got worse on the bromocriptine. It’s an ergot derivative.” Junmyeon adds quickly.

“There hasn’t been a case in at least 50 years.” Kris argues.

“He kept asking for milk. Dairy products counteract the effects.”

“You think he knew what he had and treated it?”

“In the context of being a doctor it’s possible but for someone who has a ed-up brain, it’s cravings based on actual needs. It’s a fairly common evolutionary development.”

Yixing turns to Kris. “And this is your dead-end.”

Junmyeon glances at them both. “We should start treatment.” Yixing glowers at Kris, expecting an answer. “He’s going to die—“

“Yes, Kris,” Yixing interrupts Junmyeon. “He’s going to die.”

Kris inhales. “There’s gotta be another way—“

“—to keep the hallucinations?” Yixing mocks. “Do you even hear yourself right now? You think that fake happiness is more important than his life?” He glances at Junmyeon who was already at the door. “Start the treatment.”

Junmyeon smirks proudly. “Already did.”

Kris runs to the door but was immediately blocked by Yixing. “Don’t do this to him, Kris.”

“Don’t do this to him?! You’re killing Chanyeol again!”

“STOP BEING A MARTYR FOR ’S SAKES, KRIS! WE SAY HE’S DELUSIONAL BUT YOU YOURSELF IS EVEN MORE DELUSIONAL! DO YOU THINK HE’S GOING TO THANK YOU FOR NOT TELLING HIM THE TRUTH, FOR NOT TRYING TO TELL HIM THE TRUTH OR FOR NOT SAVING HIM FROM HIMSELF?! DON’T THINK ABOUT HIM, THINK ABOUT YOU! THIS ISN’T WHAT YOU WANT AND YOU KNOW THAT! YOUR HEART KNOWS WHAT THE RIGHT THING TO DO IS! YOU KNOW WHAT BAEKHYUN WOULD WANT YOU TO DO!” Yixing closes his eyes for a second while catching his breath. “We’re all victims here.” He murmurs in almost a whisper, almost a helpless cry. “Unless someone steps up for a change, we might not just save one person, but all of us. I’m tired of all this crap. I just want to go home without getting reminded that all my past with Baekhyun is wiped out like it never actually did happen. You want that too.” Yixing looks up at him. “We’re all the same.”

“Guys, we have a problem.” Junmyeon calls out from the door with a worried face after speaking with Jongin who has the same expression. “Baekhyun is refusing treatment.”





Yixing stomps to the room and pulls Baekhyun to face him when he sees the latter putting his clothes inside his bag. “Are you out of your mind?!” Baekhyun’s first reaction is bewilderment but something with Yixing’s actions made him remember a flash of vague memory. “Do you want to die?! You can’t refuse treatment!”

“Let go of me!” Baekhyun pulls his arm back swiftly. “You can’t tell me what to do.” It’s so unbelievable how a doctor he barely knows can be so condescending. “And I have all the patient rights to refuse treatment.”

Yixing sighs exhaustingly, begging in his mind that Baekhyun can forget about all the legality in this situation and just try and save his life. That’s all he wants. That’s all everybody wants. “Baekhyun, if you don’t do this, you’ll regret it in the future.”

“I don’t see a reason why I should listen to you.”

Yixing breathes heavily. This is his dead-end. From the start he knew he can’t do anything more than help in diagnosing him. To Baekhyun, he’s just a mere doctor, like everybody else in the hospital, a stranger. Yixing nods before turning around slowly to leave the room. He tried but he can do this much up to this point. Jongin watches him with disappointment.

Baekhyun goes back to packing his clothes. “Come on Jongin. I need to get out of here.” When he doesn’t get a reply, he turns to Jongin and sees him standing by the door, just staring at him. He drops his hand. “Don’t tell me you agree with them.”

“No, I don’t, I—“ Jongin walks towards him. “Listen, Baekhyun, I just need to ask you something.”

“Whatever it is, it can wait, I need to—“

“No, it can’t.” Jongin cuts off and that is the first time Baekhyun has seen Jongin get serious. “If you can answer me properly, it’ll convince me that you’re fine. Then we can leave here.”

Baekhyun really has no time but he knows Jongin wouldn’t drop it. He sighs. “Fine.”

Jongin gulps nervously before finally speaking. “Do you remember how we met?”

There was a slight pause before Baekhyun reacted with a slight chuckle. “Are you seriously asking me that? Of course I remember how we met!” He laughs with a hint of nervousness; he couldn’t quite put a finger on it but he feels like the words are there but the memories are slowly fading away. “It was…” Until it’s completely gone. It’s gone. He can’t remember. He knows but he can’t remember. He sees vague memories, overlapping dialogues and images, familiar smiles and places but they’re all misplaced, there’s always a missing piece of the puzzle.

He remembers a glass breaking—he feels a painful flinch when he hears the shards of the broken whole hit the floor. He remembers someone yelling at him, someone very important--bright blond locks mostly taking up the memory. He remembers the feeling of touching a door, pushing it open and running away into nowhere.

“Were you surprised?”

He remembers those words but couldn’t remember who said them.

He feels a hand on his arm and a gasp, snapping back to Jongin’s worried face. “Are you okay? You’re trembling.”

Baekhyun slowly looks down on his hands. He was trembling. He was horrified to see himself trembling. “I—I can’t remember.” It scared to hear those words come from his own mouth.

“It’s alright—“

“No! It’s not alright!” Baekhyun yells, pushing Jongin away as he runs to the door and stops. “I know how we met. I know it. There’s no way I could forget such simple thing!” He claws his hair as he pushes his mind to remember, he has to remember, or everything they said about him is true.

“Baekhyun, you don’t have to push yourself.” Jongin says softly, scared of breaking the fragile in front of him. “You can stay here, they’ll help you—“

“And what?!” Baekhyun snaps, startling Jongin. “Call me crazy?! I’m not crazy!”

“Baekhyun, that’s not—“

“I’M NOT CRAZY!” Baekhyun yells lastly before running off to the hallway with Jongin immediately attempting to follow him but he can only run up to the door because he feels that Baekhyun needs to be lost before he can remember the way back.

Baekhyun runs and runs and runs. He doesn’t even notice the people he bumps into. His eyes are red. His hands are shaking. He needs to get out of here. He needs to see the outside.

“Are you going to lecture me about this too?!”

There it is again.

Who?

“You talk like you know everything! Fine! You’re happy! I’m not! Screw it!”

Why are you yelling?

He gasps when he feels a hand grab his, pulling him back to the last spot his feet landed on. He turns around and sees Kris looking down at him. “Where are you going?” He hears Kris asking but his eyes was focused on his hair.

Bright blond locks.

Were you the one yelling?

Baekhyun pulls his hand back immediately, as if he just touched a hot surface. “What?” He asks while gasping for air.

“Where are you going? You need to get back to your room.”

“So what? You can convince me that I’m crazy? That Chanyeol is a hallucination? That my brain is ed up?” Kris couldn’t answer because it was true. “I’m not going to let you ruin me.”

Kris immediately grabs Baekhyun’s arm. “Baekhyun—“

“No!” Baekhyun yells, aggressively pushing Kris away before running off again.

“Baekhyun!” Kris calls in worry as he chases after him.

Baekhyun doesn’t like it. He doesn’t like this feeling. What is this? Sadness? Hurt? Both? No. He should always be happy. He was always happy. He used to be happy.

Kris continues to chase after him. He noticed nurses advancing towards them. It seems like they were informed about the situation. He immediately dismissed all of them immediately as soon as they were close to contact. He signaled the guard to let Baekhyun pass the door.

It was raining. But no one stopped.

“Baekhyun!” Kris calls again, hoping to slow him down, but to no avail. Baekhyun doesn’t look like he has any intention to stop.

It didn’t take long enough for Baekhyun to finally start slowing down. Kris knew his stamina isn’t all that well to keep his speed for another mile so he let him run until he was tired, like how he let him live in delusion, waiting for him to realize himself. That never happened.

Kris grabs both of Baekhyun’s shoulders to stop him, pulling him on his front, forcing him to look at him. The rain made it hard for Kris to see if Baekhyun was crying. But he didn’t tears to tell him he was hurt. “Baekhyun, listen to me.”

“Let go of me.” Baekhyun says softly, almost begging. Kris wonders how much Baekhyun wants him gone.

“Please, just listen to me.” They’re both begging now. The sky feels like it’s crying for them. Kris isn’t certain what to do from here on but he feels like he has no choice. He isn’t certain of the aftermath. Hell, he doesn’t even know if he can help him but he can’t just let this drag on further without doing anything. What Yixing said was true. He’s even more delusional. He takes a deep breath in hope to give him enough courage to last the rainy night. “Do you remember what happened after the accident?” He finally asks.

“Stop asking me—“

“Do you remember?”

Baekhyun lifts his head to look at him. Nobody’s playing a game here.

He turns his head to the road, watching the headlights of the cars passing them, as he tries to rewind through his memories. It was raining too. He remembers staring out the window, staring at the wet pavements. His skin was shivering with cold. The aircon was set up too high. He remembers Chanyeol’s phone falling. He remembers looking for it. He remembers it was too late to look for it because Chanyeol has already lost control over the steering wheel.

The next thing he remembers is his head hitting the compartment and the car flipping over two or three times before it finally stopped. He smelled blood. He smelled gas leaking. His vision was blurry. He couldn’t even hear probably because of the impact. When he was getting pulled out of the car, he remembered reaching out to Chanyeol’s lifeless hand just across him. He wasn’t able to reach it.

He remembers lying on a steel bed with paramedics around him.

He remembers Chanyeol coming into his field of vision, those bright blond locks giving him assurance.

“Baekhyun, I’m here, I’m here.”

Chanyeol?

“You’re going to be fine, alright? Stay with me, please.”

No.

“They’ll take care of you. You’re going to be fine. You’ll be fine.”

Chanyeol was inside the car.

“Don’t be scared, okay? I’m here. I’m here, Baekhyun. I’m here.”

Bright blond locks.

“I’m not going anywhere. I’m here.”

Baekhyun gasps, as if his air was taken away from him, and turns to Kris, his mouth open in shock and incredulity.

“It was you.” He says and he feels the realization has restarted his brain, piecing the memories together in correct chronological order. “It was you.” He repeats and he sees Kris’ peaceful face. “It was you.”

The same height, the same build and the same hair but two different people.

It was Kris all along. The one who was beside him when he was lying on that steel bed, the one who was holding his hand, asking him to stay alive. The one who frequently visited him in those four months he was in a coma. The one who was playing the guitar. The one who played doctor but was actually a real doctor. The one who kept telling him about how his day went. The one who was there for him. The one who was waiting for him to wake up.

How could he forget?

His tears fell down with the raindrops as his body trembles.

He sees an image of Chanyeol smiling at him under the rain and he turns to his side unconsciously. And there, at the other side of the road, is Chanyeol standing in the middle of the crowd, holding an umbrella to shield himself from the tears. He was smiling at him. Chanyeol was smiling at him. He never saw him smile like that. Baekhyun continues to stare at him until Chanyeol turns around to leave, disappearing in the middle of the busy crowd. Baekhyun tried to reach out for him but Kris managed to pull him away from the sidewalk. And that was the last time Baekhyun saw Chanyeol. His smile was the last thing he saw before he out under the rain, on Kris’ arms.

His brain restarted.