THE SWITCH EFFECT

He hates the rain. He used to love it but now he doesn’t. When he wakes up, it’s the first sound he hears and a series of broken memories just flashes in his head—a second of laughter switching to glasses falling and breaking, sometimes he sees grass and two hands holding tight, keeping warmth, other times he hears a car screech and then before the memory ends with the headlights pulling onto him, he screams but no one hears.

He’s lying on a hospital bed. He’s in a hospital. The feeling is familiar. He’s a doctor. He sees things but it’s all blurry. He hears things but the sound is so vague, so far- away. He can talk but his mouth won’t move. He can’t move. He knows what state he is in but it’s too much of a weight to recognize it himself. He doesn’t want to be stuck here.

The only thing that makes it better is when Chanyeol and some of his friends come. They come every day. His friends are pretty busy so they come during breaks. Sometimes, almost like a pattern, Kyungsoo, Jongin and Jongdae would come together every Friday at noon after lunch, stay there until dawn. Then Kyungsoo would leave and come back with their food and they’d eat together while chatting. Sometimes when they chat they include Baekhyun, asking him some questions and then convincing him of the right answer. They’re there so Baekhyun doesn’t lose track of time, of the people he’s close with.

Chanyeol comes every day so he’s never alone. Sometimes, Chanyeol doesn’t really talk much; he just comes, sits on the couch and reads something, listens to some music, hums it, or plays the guitar and sings a song to a tune. Other times, he plays doctor. It makes Baekhyun laugh. He would come in wearing a white doctor’s coat then he would sit close to the bed and begin talking. He talks about a lot of things. About the weather, about what he did before he came in, about what he ate for breakfast, about the latest news and so on and so forth.

Baekhyun sees them all. He sees nurses coming in to check his condition. He sees strangers coming in and doing nothing but sit because there’s not enough couch in the hospital. He sees kids stumbling accidentally in his room and when they see him, they would come closer and wave their hand in front of him out of curiosity.

Eventually, he got tired.

So he slept.

It took four months before Baekhyun woke up from a coma.




“Do we really have to do this?” The question, spoken sternly and loud amidst the environment noise and excited smiles, rose above their ears. Kyungsoo and Jongdae, although knowing how the conversation is going to end anyway, turned to Jongin who’s still the only person who doesn’t seem excited as the two of them are. Today, they put their plan of surprising Baekhyun on his birthday into action. They’ve been planning this for more than a month—countless unsure ideas, a few misunderstandings here and there and obvious doubts had mostly taken up their “secret” meetings but in the end, they were able to come into a common understanding. Still, when Jongin thinks about it, those days of having such an idea only in their heads felt better than actually doing it. It’s not that he doesn’t care, he does, and that’s why he couldn’t take seeing Baekhyun smile to the lies on their faces.

Kyungsoo sighed at him. “Jongin, we’ve talked about this—“

“I know,” He knows very well why they have to do this. “But still—“

“Oh well, we’re already here! No use contemplating about it.” Jongdae, who’s the most outgoing of the three, interrupted the unfortunate ending their conversation would have. “Come on. We have a Baekhyun to surprise!”

Jongin receives a pleading look from Kyungsoo. He sighs. There’s nothing he can really do but think he can do something so might as well play along. It won’t hurt, right?





“Baekhyun.”

Baekhyun mumbles under the pillow, trying to form words to shoo whoever was calling his name but to no avail as his laziness couldn’t even make up a proper sound.

“Baekhyun, wake up.”

He groans. He’s awake now anyway so there’s no use ignoring Chanyeol. He pulls the pillow away from his face and immediately he’s greeted by Chanyeol who’s sitting at the edge of his bed, smiling down at him. He looked so bright, so unreal, so far but that’s what Baekhyun loves about him. Even though he seem so far, he can hold him close and touch him, feel his warmth, the same warmth he’s feeling at this moment as Chanyeol touches his cheek.

“You drool.”

Baekhyun chuckles as he pushes Chanyeol’s hand away. “Shut up.” He sits up slowly, sleepiness flowing back as he yawns with his arms stretching out. When he opens his eyes, he’s greeted with a small box above Chanyeol’s palm. He blinks at it, once, twice, before his mind registers the ribbon and the card. He looks up at Chanyeol.

“Happy birthday, love.”

Baekhyun shrieks and immediately jumps on Chanyeol for a tight hug. “Thank you!”

Chanyeol smiles as his laughter echoes around the room and into his ears. “Always.”

“So, what is it?” Baekhyun asks giddily as soon as he pulls back.

“Open it.”

Baekhyun immediately tears the wrapper off although saving the ribbon tied prettily. He comes across a small box and slowly opens it. His eyes widen at the sight of a silver bracelet, shining under the sunlight so beautifully. “A bracelet?”

Chanyeol takes the bracelet from the box and wears it around Baekhyun’s wrist where it fits to perfectly and beautifully. “Do you like it?”

“Are you kidding? I love it!” The doorbell rings from the living room, interrupting their little moment. Baekhyun immediately hops off the bed and runs to the door to answer. He was greeted by his friends screaming ‘Happy Birthday’ at him while holding a bunch of balloons, beverages and a cake.

The whole place instantly dispersed off the silence as they welcomed themselves inside his loving home, settling the things their carrying on the table and the couch.

“And once again, you’re a year older!” Jongdae yells in the middle of the room. “But appearance-wise of course, even younger.” Baekhyun laughs at his attempt of flattery.

“Wow guys, I didn’t expect you to come so early. I was really surprised. Thank you!” Baekhyun announces as he gazes at each one of them. “Chanyeol was just giving me his gift, a bracelet, when you guys arrived!” He quickly added, raising his wrist as he turns back to the door of his bedroom, wondering why Chanyeol still hasn’t come out, too preoccupied that he didn’t notice the silence growing back and his friends communicating their confusion to each other. Kyungsoo gives them a look, asking them to go along with it.

Jongin though, seeing as the bracelet on Baekhyun’s wrist was either invisible or non-existent, decided to drag it even further to where it should’ve stopped. “Really? Chanyeol gave you a bracelet?” From his right, he can hear Kyungsoo cursing.

Baekhyun turns to him, smiling. “Yeah! Pretty right?”

Jongin opened his mouth to answer but Kyungsoo apparently had beaten him to it. “Yeah it is!” He chirps excitedly and as expected, Jongdae immediately plays along, smiling as equally wide.

“You baked this?” Baekhyun asks Kyungsoo, kneeling down to level with the table where the cake is being placed. It was so like Kyungsoo—the cake. The design was clean, not too plain at the same time not too over-decorated. There’s a cute drawing of a mini-Baekhyun behind the Happy Birthday Baekhyun letterings and Baekhyun feels really fortunate his friends picture him as someone like this—all smiles.

“You know the cake isn’t going to get eaten on its own,” says Jongdae when he appears beside Baekhyun. Baekhyun gives him a sly smile before dipping his finger on the icing and quickly wiping it on Jongdae’s nose. Not a second even passed and Baekhyun had already run away at a safe distance from Jongdae who immediately copied him for revenge.

Kyungsoo huffed from his seat. “Come on guys, don’t play with the cake!”

Jongin laughs at Baekhyun and Jongdae running around them who eventually reached the kitchen. He leaned forward to the table to take a slice from the cake, saving his piece ahead of time as it looked like it’s not going to last very soon.

And as expected, as soon as Baekhyun and Jongdae came back, the cake was mercilessly shoved as a whole on Baekhyun’s face by of course, none other than his fellow idiot, Kim Jongdae. Baekhyun stood frozen, his face completely covered with the icing. Then he some bits off his lips. “It’s good.”

Jongdae immediately stops laughing. “It is?”

“ for you, you won’t be able to eat it,” Jongin muttered at the side while munching his share of the cake.

Kyungsoo sighs at him. “You actually thought it was a good idea to shove the whole cake on Baekhyun’s face.”

Jongdae turns to Baekhyun only to be greeted by his tongue sticking out in tease. “What do you mean? I can still eat them off his face.” He announces while grinning evilly at Baekhyun who had started to run away as soon as Jongdae charged for a chase.

“You are not going to my face you idiot!”

They spend the rest of the day like this, just like old times. Chasing each other, being stupid with each other. Kyungsoo even offered a karaoke singing contest with Baekhyun. And while that was a good idea, here’s Jongdae who invited Jongin for a dance contest. At lunch they ate pizzas and some other unhealthy take-outs. They played one-on-one on the X-box, taking turns as losers and winners. Afterwards, they decided to spend the last hours of the afternoon watching Texas Chainsaw Massacre and Human Centipede which ended up with the bathroom getting covered with Kyungsoo’s vomit. Hours before dinner, they rest, hum some song together while Kyungsoo peacefully cooks inside the kitchen. And eventually, night came, mattresses and pillows are dragged down on the floor and their bodies just got pulled in the inviting comfort of the soft layers. After rounds of yawn-inducing telltales, they quietly drifted to sleep.




No noise, no sound, is the first thing that comes into Jongin’s mind when he wakes up at 4:30 AM. He finds himself stuck limb after limb as he slowly sits up. It takes a little bit more effort than he thinks as Kyungsoo and Jongdae’s arms and legs are both heavier than what they make them out to be and since he’s still tired from all the activities they did a few hours ago, getting his body into startup seemed to take forever. He carefully lifts up the limbs off his body so he can stand up quietly and walks out of the door to grab some water. He’s not really thirsty but he’s always been nostalgic. He’s asleep during daytime and awake during nighttime so it was inevitable for him to wake up at this hour for no particular reason.

He opens the fridge to look for a bottle of water but his attention shifts to the odd number of food he sees. Baekhyun is living alone yet his groceries are for two people. It saddens him. It’s sad that he’s not aware of the reality everybody else is facing around him. It’s like Baekhyun lives in a different world from them. A world where he’s stuck with time—unmoving, unreal. Sometimes, Jongin wonders what it feels like in Baekhyun’s world because he looked even happier than before. But he realizes, if that world comes to an end and he’s forced to pull back to where his world truly is, he will be devastated to learn his world with him is just a product of his mind.

Don’t misunderstand him. He’s not into Baekhyun romantically but he deeply cares for him. Baekhyun was the first person who said the cuts on his wrists are beautiful. The first person who didn’t judge him when everyone else did after learning of his biuality. So definitely, he deserves that spot in his heart. At first he hated him—he was happy. He and Chanyeol were happy. He could never be happy like that. But then he realizes that they’re happy because they have a reason to be—they’re together. Jongin just hasn’t found his reason yet.

He closes the fridge after grabbing a bottle of water. He hears soft giggles from outside. He walks slowly to the windows and pushes the curtains slightly and there he sees Baekhyun sitting on a bench outside talking to a figure Jongin definitely couldn’t see.

He’s talking to Chanyeol.

That smile is not happy—it’s pretentious.

It has to end.




“Got another one,” is what the nurse tells Kris when he arrives back after checking up on a patient. He takes the file and scans them, immediately forming a smile as his next patient, a kid at the age of 5, is a common face in the hospital already. The kid reminds him of someone else that it swiftly masked off his smile but the nurse’ cup falling to the floor snaps him back from where his mind should not be wandering. In this type of profession, focus is important, so he always have to make a straight face as to appear professional towards people who had lost hope and will lose hope.

Kris gives the nurse a nod before walking towards the room. Outside, when he pushes the door slightly open, he can hear Sehun crying. He sighs. He’s not really ready for this but as a doctor, he has to make certain sacrifices. He walks in and finds Sehun, seated on the hospital bed, bawling with snot coming out from his nose. He turns to Luhan whose 4 years older than Sehun.

“Luhan.”

“It wasn’t me!”

Kris sighs as he turns back to Sehun. He’s not good with kids—actually he’s never dealt with patients as young as these two before, so he really doesn’t know what the protocol is. They used to be handled by Baekhyun but sadly, he’s not in the condition to return to the practice. He grabs the tissue box from the nearby desk and offers it to Sehun.

“Here, stop crying.”

“Yeah stop crying!” Luhan chirps from the side.

Sehun stops for a moment, blinks at the tissue box and blinks at Kris. It took a few seconds before Sehun’s tiny hands reached out for the tissue box.

“Luhan, what did I tell you about making your brother cry? You know he has asthma. If you keep on making him cry like that, his asthma is just going to get worse.”

“When does he never cry anyway?” Luhan murmurs with an angry pout. “He’s just weak. I can’t even play with him.”

“Alright that’s enough,” Kris says in a warning tone. He grabs the steel chair behind him and pulls it closer to the bed. “Okay, you know the drill Sehun,” He wears the stethoscope on his ears and presses the diaphragm on Sehun’s chest. “Breathe in, breathe out.” Sehun does so with every word as Kris repeats them over and over. After the rounds are suffice, Kris pulled the diaphragm back. “Alright, good job Sehun.” Sehun giggles at the compliment.

Kris pushes the chair to the nearby desk, dragging his body on it, to rummage through the drawers to find prescription paper. “How many attacks did you have this month?” He asks while opening two drawers at once.

There were a few moments of silence before Luhan chirps in. “Three! He had three, doctor!”

Kris nods and stands up from his chair to reach the cabinet atop the attached wooden tables. He reached for the papera he found there and fished out his ballpoint pen from his pocket. “Alright, I’ll give you your normal prescriptions, just make sure you take them regularly,” He says while walking back to Sehun. “And please,” He adds immediately as he turns to Luhan. “Luhan, stop making him cry. He’s only gonna get worse.”

Luhan crosses his arms. “He’s weak.”

Before Kris could even look back, he can already hear Sehun sobbing. “I’m sorry…Luhan hyung…” Kris sighs as he rolls his eyes. He’s never been good with kids. His experience with most of them was more likely traumatizing for the kids’ parts. They never seem to find his face friendly enough that they run away. He massages his temple as Sehun’s sob gets louder and louder by the second. He turns back to Luhan to finally ask for help. It seemed like the rational thing to do although never in a million years would he actually think that asking help from a kid will be first choice out of this kind of situation. “How does Doctor Byun comfort him?”

“Baekhyun hyung lets him ride on his shoulders! Sehun really likes heights!”

So, as the circumstances has led him, Kris ended up walking out of the clinic with Sehun giggling happily while sitting on his shoulders. Luhan, on the other hand, is skipping excitedly while holding on to Kris’ lab coat hem with his tiny hands. It gave quite a sight to the nurses and Kris finally noticed the humiliation when some started taking pictures. For what? He doesn’t know. He wouldn’t want to know anyway. You don’t see Doctor Grumpy walking with a kid every day.

Kris spots the boys’ parents from afar, talking to one of the doctors under him. He stops near the nurse reception and slowly placed Sehun down on the floor. “Alright, your parents are here.” Before Kris can even stand back up, he’s caught off guard when a pair of small slips pressed on his cheek. He blinks at Sehun who immediately ran behind Luhan.

Luhan takes a quick peek at Sehun before turning to Kris to explain. “It’s a thank you kiss! Baekhyun hyung said it’s a way of saying thank you when you’re too shy to say it!” Immediately, after he excitedly informed Kris of the given fact, he leaned forward to give him a quick peck too. “Thank you, Doctor Kris!”

Kris watches as the two boys run off to their parents, with Sehun tripping on the way and Luhan forced to help him up. He knew Luhan is a good brother. Sehun needs someone who will push him to get better than pity him for being weak. People don’t always get a perfect childhood.

“Must be hard dealing with those kids without Doctor Byun,” The nurse says while slowly leaning against the counter.

“Yeah,” Kris replies. “I don’t know how he does it.” Baekhyun has always been, as what their fellow doctors and nurses say—a kid magnet. He never had any problem dealing with the kids getting admitted to the hospital. At least, not in a way that shows on his face. He’s always been a bright presence, always smiling and laughing. He’s a good magnet, a positive energy to the patients. However, like how the world works, he has his own defect. His emotions are never kept intact away from the borderline of his work and being a doctor that has always been a problem. If one of his patients dies, it hits him hard, and for a week or so, he’s either unfocused or his reports are imprecise. But nonetheless, he’s one of the best doctors the hospital has to offer and definitely, the only doctor Kris will never regret working with.

He turns to the counter to pick up another file when the nurse beat him with her palm slapping the file back down on the rack. Kris looks up at her in confusion. “Enough for you today. You have a guest.” The nurse gestures behind him and Kris turns around slowly. From across where they’re standing is Jongin sitting on the benches, both ears occupied with his earphones and head lowered as if he has dawned into sleep. Kris sighs.






“Man, you didn’t have to do that,” Jongin mumbles while pressing the back of his head, probably trying to find a bump caused by the rolled folder Kris slapped his head with earlier. Kris just snarls at him while chewing off the bread he ordered. They’re sitting at the hospital’s canteen for the reason Kris doesn’t really welcome anyone in his office. Watching Kris eat, Jongin couldn’t help but snicker. “I feel like if I didn’t come, you wouldn’t eat.”

“Don’t flatter yourself. What’s your purpose of being here?”

Jongin slowly drops his, hand on the table, fidgets for a while, before finally speaking. “It’s about Baekhyun.”

Almost as if the world has gone mute, Kris pauses for a while, his thoughts dragging him to whatever he can associate with Baekhyun that might come out of Jongin’s mouth. And for a while, he knew and just like always, the idea disappears until it comes back again when Jongin continues. “He still talks to him,” is what Jongin said and for a moment, Kris wished that it’s something else, something different this time. “It’s not going away. You said it was gonna go away in time but it’s not.” There’s too much pressure in the tone of Jongin’s voice that Kris could feel his concern blasting off. It’s too much. He’s too eager. “If anything, it’s getting worse. Kris—“

Kris closes his eyes. “We’ve been through this a lot of times this year already, Jongin—“

“I know! Doesn’t this tell you that there’s no use ignoring this! Isn’t it enough?”

Enough? Nothing’s enough. Your concern is not enough because that alone can’t save your precious little friend from himself. It’s not enough that I want to make Baekhyun happy for him to be okay. It’s not enough that I’m a doctor. It’s not enough that you’re a friend. Baekhyun needs something more than enough. Someone.

Kris opens his eyes. He drops the burger back on the plate before standing up and turning around, attempting to avoid the conversation to drag on even further to something harder to pull out from.

“Kris! You can’t turn your back to me again this time!” Jongin yells aggressively, slamming his palms on the table while standing up in the process.

Kris sighs and turns back to him. “Isn’t he happy?” That, Kris can see, silenced Jongin for a moment. “He’s happy right?”

“He only looks happy.”

“But he is.”

“He is not okay!”

“He doesn’t do drugs. He doesn’t attempt suicide. He doesn’t cut himself. He’s fine. He’s okay. He’s happy.”

“For Christ’s sake—you’re a doctor Kris! I know you know Baekhyun is not okay! Chanyeol’s been dead for a year and he’s never gonna be okay unless he gets that through his head!” The canteen’s noise disperses into silence when Jongin’s yell surfaced and in a minute, everyone’s and ears was onto them. “You care about him right?”

“I do,” That’s what thing Kris could never deny. He cares too much, more than enough, that it’s not so welcoming anymore. “That’s why I want him to be happy.” Jongin’s face softened and Kris wonders if his feelings are too superficial that Jongin can see right through him that moment. “This conversation is done.” He says finally while turning around, walking straight to the door, leaving Jongin helpless…again.





The summer sun is clouded

Baekhyun hums as the lyrics play with the thoughts in his head.

And the wind fluttered

I shall sing

The proof that life once existed

For those who do not have a name

He snaps his eyes open when tiny hands dropped on his lap. He looks down and sees one of his students blinking at him cutely. “What is it?”

“Oppa, you were humming a song!”

“Really?” Baekhyun asks in amusement as his picks the little girl up and places her on his lap. “Oppa was sleeping.”

“Oppa, why don’t you sing that song you were humming just now?”

“What song?”

“You always hum that song but you never sing it for us.”

Baekhyun crooks his eyebrows in legit confusion. “What?”

“You don’t remember?” Baekhyun looks up at Minseok standing by the door.

Baekhyun shrugs. “I was asleep. Must’ve been a dream. Sleep-humming. That should be a new thing.” He chuckles and the kids follow.

“Oh by the way Baek, I came by because Kyungsoo called the office. They said you weren’t picking up your phone.”

Baekhyun turns swiftly to the clock. “Ah! I almost forgot!” He yells seeing as it’s almost 6 PM. He immediately put the little girl on his lap down to the floor then rushed for the door. “We were supposed to meet by 6!”

Minseok stepped aside to give way to Baekhyun who’s now running back to the office to grab his things and the phone he left inside his bag. Kyungsoo won a cooking competition last week and since this is the only time of the year the four of them are not that busy, it’s a perfect time to celebrate something that’s real—no fakes, no lies. But Baekhyun doesn’t think that.

He grabs his bag, says a fast goodbye to the other staff inside the office, and scurries out of the room, passing swiftly by the calendar. The wind, hitting the paper with the same pressure as Baekhyun’s speed, flies the red dotted ink drew in circle over the date today into enunciation. And the staff has that look—bits of sadness and pity over two different things.





Everybody knows what day it is today except for Baekhyun.

Kyungsoo repeats the thought in his head as he stares into his arms where the bouquet used to rest itself. It is now on Chanyeol’s grave. Today is Chanyeol’s 1st death anniversary. And what’s sadder than having to pass it by with the most important person having no knowledge of such event?

The air is cold, the silence inside the car is cold, even Jongdae couldn’t focus much on driving. There’s that weight in their hearts, will it be the same every year? Until when? And when it finally stops, what’s Baekhyun gonna think? Years from now he’s going to fall into misery when he finally learns of Chanyeol’s death.

Jongdae’s ringtone breaks the silence and the two, almost in perfect synchronization, stops and like a computer getting set up, reformats their thoughts to fit with what they’re about to do for tonight. “It’s Jongin,” Jongdae says as he places the phone on the holder, pressing it on speaker afterwards. “Hey, where are you?”

“I’m on my way! I had to leave my bike at work because of the ing rain.”

Kyungsoo leans closer. “Are you walking?”

“No, I grabbed a cab! Of course I’m not gonna walk in this downpour.”

Kyungsoo leans back, pouting. “I was just asking.”

“Hey, listen, if you arrive first just start without me, okay?”

“Are you sure?” Jongdae asks, finding it suddenly weird hearing Jongin say such words.

“Yeah, don’t wanna keep your hunger for too long.”

“Jerk.”

Kyungsoo chuckles. “Be careful Jongin!”

“K!”

The call ended.

“He’s going to Chanyeol’s grave.”

“He thinks he’s hard to read,” Kyungsoo shakes his head. “That kid.”

“Hey, dial Baekhyun. He still hasn’t called back,”

“Oh, right,” Kyungsoo immediately reaches for the phone. He dials Baekhyun’s number and pressed the phone to his ears, He stares out the window as he waits, the ringing the only thing he can hear. Cold rain beat the pavements and the city lights. People raced over each other. It took him back to that another rainy day a year ago.





“—the is the ing phone.”

Baekhyun turns when he hears Chanyeol cursing through the cold air. He looks down. “What’s wrong?”

“My phone fell,” Chanyeol replies under stress as he keeps one hand on the wheel and the other under the seat, frisking the car carpet for signs of his phone and his eyes glancing from both areas back and forth. “Kyungsoo called. I answered but it fell.”

“Focus on the road. I’ll look for it.” But even though Baekhyun said that it was too late.


“He’s not answering.” Kyungsoo announces as he drops the phone hopelessly.

“Try calling the school?”



“Baekhyun!”

“Hey.” Baekhyun greets back, half-hurrying and half-happy as he can see that he’s already half an hour late from their supposed time of meet-up. The downpour was unexpected so he didn’t bring any umbrella which he ended up getting soaking wet. So he had to go home to change clothes knowing that Kyungsoo is like a mother when it comes to nagging about taking care of one’s health. He runs to the closet and grabs he first set of clothes he sees.

He sees the pictures. In normal days, he’d just glance at them and close the closet, but in days like this, he misses his them, his deceased relatives. Especially his parents. In the pictures they’re happy but in reality, when they were grasping for breath like how a drowning person misses the air, he saw regret and misery in their eyes. None of them were that good of a parent but he loved them nonetheless. He closed the closet with the mirror clanking on force. He wears his button-down polo shirt as fast as he could, timing himself in the process.

When he looks up, a chocking scream escapes from his mouth when he’s met with the reflection of a familiar person, covered in blood and cuts, too familiar he can remember her being buried down six feet under. “Mom?!” He turns around, eyes widening at the presence as he presses his back on the mirror as if someone’s going to pull him in away from what he was seeing. He can feel his whole body shaking in fear, sweat dropping on his collarbones as he looks around, searching for Chanyeol. He turns away to run when a hand grabbed his neck by the door, pressing it violently. Choking for air, veins popping out of the absence, he turns to the side to see his father, eyes missing with worms crawling in and out of the holes on his face.

He screams and screams and screams




Jongdae rings the doorbell for the nth time.

Baekhyun’s house lights are on so it didn’t make sense that he’s not answering. In worry, Jongdae grabbed the doorknob. Seeing as it’s unlocked, he pushed the door open, slowly, as he walked in step by step. Kyungsoo followed close behind him.

“Baekhyun?” Kyungsoo called into nothingness while walking directly to the kitchen. Finding nothing, he decided to try the bathroom while Jongdae proceeded to the bedroom. He had only turned the lights on when he hears Jongdae yelling from the bedroom, calling him for help. He immediately ran to the bedroom and there lied on the floor, seizing, was Baekhyun.




The hospital walls are scary for Jongin. It has not always been but ever since that accident where his brother was involved, he had hated it, because the last time he was here for a longer time, he was at the edge of the cliff, ready to fall, breaking down almost every day when he leaves and when he comes back. In other times, he begs for something so as a result, hospitals have never been welcoming and comfortable like what other patients getting treated would feel. And this time, while running in the hallways as if chasing a disappearing hope, those times are rewritten back in his heart.

He turns to the left, his shoes screaking due to the impact of the soles of his shoes on the tiles, and continues to run. He remembers this part of the hospital, very, very well. He doesn’t stop until he reached the said room and instead bursts inside, slamming the door open. Jongdae and Kyungsoo jumps from their seats, shocked for a moment.

“Jongin!” Kyungsoo calls him at the same time scolding him for that mini-heart attack. Jongin, on the other hand, walks straight to the bed where Baekhyun was lying peacefully asleep, completely ignoring Kyungsoo.

“How is he?” Jongin asks as he stares down at Baekhyun, for a moment expecting for the boy to flicker his eyes open and surprise him with some sort of stupid reason, one being just for fun, like how he used to.

“He’s fine,” Kyungsoo answers, coming up beside Jongin brushing his back. “He’s gonna be fine. Stop frowning. He’s gonna be alright.”





“21-year old nursery school teacher suffered a grand mal seizure at his house after coming home from work.” Yixing starts off with reading whatever there is that is or not a complete waste of time written on Byun Baekhyun’s medical file. “He had a vision of…being strangled by his dead parents before passing out.” The fact that there was a hint of doubt in his voice means that anything under the file is probably a complete waste of time slash absurd.

Kris only nods.

“Seizure rules out psychiatric illness…No history of epilepsy, head trauma or drug use.”

Junmyeon finally leans closer to Yixing’s arms. “You’re wasting your time. He probably already knows all of that.. Baekhyun used to be a doctor here, remember? And also, I bet a hundred dollars and one of my fingers,” And he leans in even closer for a whisper. “That he loves seizure patient.”

Yixing rolls his eyes to Kris. “Why am I here again?”

Junmyeon immediately sits up straight. “Yeah, why are we here again?”

Kris sighs. “Because you’re two of the most outstanding doctors in this hospital.”

“You know, saying something like that with a poker face isn’t really convincing,” Junmyeon argued.

“And Baekhyun needs two of the most outstanding doctors in this hospital to treat him?” Yixing shoots back with a bit of mockery. “We have other patients too.”

“If the answer to that question is no, you wouldn’t be here right now. So yes, now can we move on and be professional like how doctors are supposed to be?”

Yixing slumps back in defeat as he drops the file on the table. “Could be a tumor to the temporal lobe.”

Kris shakes his head. “Not with a normal CT scan.”

“You mean it appeared normal to the doctor in the ER.”

Junmyeon hisses. “Burn.” Kris and Yixing both shoots him an unamused look with his uncalled unnecessary reactions. Junmyeon clears his throat. “Uh, nursery schools are filled with crayons and clays and stuff. Their daily routine might involve playing outside, getting dirty in the ground. Woods aren’t contagious but infections, parasites, could come up from unhygienic playgrounds.”

Yixing snorts. “Yeah, and a doctor wouldn’t take note of hygiene.”

“And even so, Doctor Kim, what parasite could possibly cause a patient seizure?” Kris joins in, also finding the idea still a bit ridiculous. “MRI him. Do a brain biopsy. And…some other tests.”





“The space inside is smaller than I thought,” Baekhyun chuckles as he stares up at the edge of the MRI scanner while lying down on the patient table. He moves his eyes to Chanyeol who’s standing beside him and beside one of the new doctors who’s pressing chemicals on his tube with a syringe, Doctor Kim perhaps.

“Don’t worry Baekhyun, these doctors are going to take good care of you,” Chanyeol tells him. “Right?” He continues while glancing at both doctors on each side of the patient table.

“Once the valium kicks in you’ll feel better.” Junmyeon informs.

“See? And then I’ll buy you milk.”

Baekhyun chuckles again. “I’d rather have more valium.”

“Baekhyun.” Chanyeol nags.

Junmyeon smiles at him. “Let’s wait just a bit, see how it goes.”

“Try to lie as still as possible.” Yixing says before pressing the button that slides Baekhyun inside the scanner.

They stay for a second to make sure Baekhyun is lying still before walking inside the monitoring room to check on the scans.




“Food for the hungry tummies!”

Jongdae and Jongin look up from what they were doing as Kyungsoo walks in with a bag full of food. Baekhyun claps enthusiastically. “Great! I miss the food back home.”

“I know you do.” Kyungsoo smiles as he carefully takes out the Tupperware from the bag and places them on the table. “Here, your favorite bread.”

“Sweet!” Baekhyun takes the bread happily.

“Hey, guys, I have to take this call.” Jongdae announces before rushing outside of the room.

“Oh, darnn, I forgot the rice in the car.” Kyungsoo mumbles. “Jongin, come with me will you?”





“Well, this is a surprise.” Baekhyun announces as he slowly places the magazine down to acknowledge Kris’ presence. He hasn’t changed a bit. Still the same tall man. “I thought you were never going to come.”

Kris pulls the chair beside the bed and sits. “Why would you think that?”

Baekhyun puts on his thinking cap. “I don’t know,” He shrugs after a second or so. “It’s been a long time since I last saw you. Come to think of it…” His words fade away as he slowly gets pulled inside his head, trying to dig deep into his memories to find his chapter about Kris, the last time he saw him, the last time—there was nothing. “I can’t remember.”

Kris, immediately realizing the situation, chuckles. “I can’t remember too. Well, we’ve been very busy, is all.”

Baekhyun turns to him, his face kept unreadable, and continues to stare at Kris. Somehow, something tells him that something is missing, something definitely is missing. Even if verbally they acknowledge that they haven’t seen each other in a long time, Baekhyun feels like it’s only been a week or so and that circumstances has led him to completely forget about the name Kris and the face the man owns. It’s not because they’re busy—or it might be—but there’s just some weird familiar feeling seeing Kris beside the bed.

“So,” Kris starts again, changing the subject. “How’s your stay here so far?”

Baekhyun smiles. “I’m good. I have to say, I do miss the hospital.”

“It seems like the hospital missed you too,” Kris says, referring to how Baekhyun’s the patient.

Baekhyun laughs at his lame joke. “How about you, Kris? How are you?”

“I’m…okay.” Kris replies simply.

“You’re my doctor, right?” Kris nods. “Why don’t I see you checking on me? Those two doctors, uh, I can’t remember their names—“

“Doctor Zhang and Doctor Kim.”

“Yeah. I only see them.”

Kris lowers his head before looking up again with a smile ready on his face. “I was busy. Clinic duties.”

Baekhyun laughs again. It made Kris think if Chanyeol can make him laugh like this too, especially with his situation. “Does Siwon still pile you up with clinic duties? He never changed. And I suppose those two doctors came in after I left? Ah, Doctor Zhang and Doctor Kim?”

Just how much damage did the accident cause to his memories? Kris wonders, clenching his fist secretly as to keep his focus. “Yeah, a week after you left. Siwon knows Doctor Kim personally and I invited Doctor Zhang.” He’s surprised that came out without a problem but not something worth celebrating. It’s like Baekhyun had his memories erased, one by one, little by little. He doesn’t even remember he came to this hospital with Yixing.

“They’re great doctors.”

“Let’s not talk about them. Let’s talk about you.” Kris leans closer and Baekhyun warmly welcomes the decreasing space between them. “How are you getting through? After the accident, I mean.”

Baekhyun gives him a smile with a hint of absurdity. “I’m perfectly fine. I’m working as a teacher at a nursery just a few blocks away from my house. And Chanyeol’s always there so, I guess you could say I’ve never felt happier than before. It’s like the accident was just a short chapter, you know? Like in a book, you read it and afterwards, everything’s back to normal.”

It’s not normal, Kris thinks, when you can’t even set reality from delusion apart. But he says, “That’s good to know,” For Baekhyun, it is. But for other people, it’s not. It’s weird. Freaky. Abnormal. Or in Layman’s term, crazy. People are going to call him crazy. That’s why he didn’t include his absurd hallucination in Baekhyun’s medical file. It’s enough that his friends don’t think of him differently. He doesn’t need strangers to shun him. He doesn’t need to be confined to a four-walled room alone. “Good to know.” He repeats.





“Hey, are you sure you’ve never seen him before?”

Yixing sighs. It’s probably been two hours, he doesn’t really count, but the whole time he was inside the laboratory, Junmyeon has been sprouting nothing but how weird it is that his employment year matches with Baekhyun’s before he left because of the accident. And Yixing doesn’t really want to talk about things like this, things in the past, things not worth remembering anymore.

“No, I haven’t.”

“You’re lying.”

Yixing pulls away from the optical lenses of the microscope and turns to Junmyeon beside him with a pissed face. “Are you going to do your work or not?”

Junmyeon grins. “Done it.” Yixing rolls his eyes. “Negative for Creutzfeldt-Jakob.”

“And nothing in the MRI.” Yixing adds.

“His brain’s fine. It’s functioning normally—“ He stops when the paper he was scanning got snatched by Yixing who’s already halfway to the door. “H-hey wait!”

Yixing ignores the screaming monkey behind him and instead sped up his pace to turn where he, not-so-carefully, bumped into someone who just had to be carrying a cup of hot coffee that ended up splashed on Yixing’s clean white laboratory coat. Yixing freezes with his jaw dropped in shock.

“Oh my God—uh—I’m sorry?”

“How dare you—“

“Yixing! What happened?” Junmyeon screams beside him.

“Suho?”

Junmyeon turns to the person Yixing bumped into and somewhere along the corners of the hallways his dignity got smashed. “Oh .” He curses to himself after realizing how familiar the man was.

“It’s me, Jongdae! You don’t remember?”

Oh, he remembers, alright, he remembers so well. “Who’s Suho?” Yixing asks in between them.

Junmyeon immediately grabs Yixing’s hand. “I-I don’t know! Come on we have to check on our patient! I’m sorry, excuse me!”

Yixing crooks his eyebrows, wondering why Junmyeon is acting weird. Of course, he’s always been weird, but he had never seen him try to avoid something or someone.





Surprisingly, when they arrived at Baekhyun’s room, it was empty. Yixing notices the coats on the rack, scattered research papers beside a laptop on the table and a bag of food left on top of the bedside table. He acknowledges the mess and ignores it. Everyone knows his visitors basically live here during visiting hours. It’s just a matter of time before they acquire diseases from staying too long inside the hospital and get admitted. Of course that was intended as a joke.

“Good afternoon, Mr. Byun.” Junmyeon greets Baekhyun with a big smile which Baekhyun gives back. “How are you today?”

“I’m fine. Kris was here just a while ago.”

Yixing flinches. “Oh? I see he visited you.” Junmyeon says while walking to the other side to check on the tubes. Baekhyun merely hums a reply.

Yixing walks closer to the bedside. “We got the results back. Your tests came out negative. Which means—“

“Which means there’s nothing wrong with my head,” Baekhyun finishes for him and nods. Junmyeon and Yixing glances at each other before Baekhyun continues with, “I can go home.”

“W-we can’t let you go home…yet.”

“You’ve already done everything.”

“We may have missed something.”

“I just want to go home. I still have work. I promised some of my students that I’ll help with their plays. I’m sure I’m fine now.”

Chanyeol sighs. “Baekhyun, the doctors know best.”

“I’m a doctor too.” Baekhyun replies, biting his lips to refrain from getting annoyed.

“You had some serious symptoms—” Junmyeon interrupts.

“If I had another one, I’ll come right back, okay? Look, I’m a doctor, I’ll know when something’s wrong with me or my body.” Baekhyun retorted with a sensible argument. But as his doctors, they can’t let him go home without diagnosing him properly.

“If you have it while you’re driving…”

“You can drive me, make sure I take it easy.” Baekhyun replies while scanning the test results after successfully snatching it from Yixing who looked too surprised to notice after the last statement from Baekhyun.

Yixing and Junmyeon looked at each other in confusion before Junmyeon spoke. “Who can?”

Baekhyun looks up from the papers, a little bit surprised too. “Chanyeol.”

Yixing almost gasps in shock but was able to maintain his composure. “Chanyeol’s here?”

Baekhyun crooks his eyebrows at Yixing. “What are you talking about? He’s right there.”

Baekhyun points at the couch across him which for the two doctors and any other normal people is empty.





“HALLUCINATIONS!” Yixing exclaimed in exasperation, throwing his arms in the air. Kris only watched him from his seat. “YOU COULDN’T HAVE TOLD US THAT?!”

“It wasn’t relevant!”

“IT WASN’T RELEVANT?! My God—“ Yixing lifts his head, trying to calm himself down. “Since when was hallucination not relevant?!”

“It’s not relevant because it’s not the cause of his seizure!”

“And what do you know about the underlying cause? Kris, if you want to solve this ing case, you’re going to have to stop taking this personally,” Yixing reminds him sternly. “He’s your patient right now. Not your lost love.”

Kris looks away and clenches his fist. He knew that. But he guessed, someone has to slap that into his face. Being a doctor, he’s mastered not taking things personally with his patients. But with Baekhyun it’s just different. He can’t just face him and say he’s merely a patient, like the rest of the people he diagnosed before him.

He notices Yixing cleaning up his things and looks up before Yixing is completely out of the room. “It’s not hallucination,” He says and Yixing sighed heavily, annoyed. “It’s delusion.” Yixing turns to him this time, his expression almost as similar to his—trying to find answers.