Wherein Jongin is addicted to video games, Luhan is blissfully gay, Jinri is failing Math and for some bizarre reason, the three of them are best friends.

It takes exactly 112 steps from the faculty office to reach the big old oak tree at the back of the school. Jinri counts as she takes every step and somewhere between 90 and 105, her friends come into view. She sees Luhan lying down on his back on the grass, one arm supporting his head, listening to his prehistoric discman and Jongin sitting with his back against the tree, playing with his PSP, his legs sprawled comfortably. immediately constricts at the sight. All around her, everything appears like it is just any other normal day.

But of course it isn’t. Not to her.

She reaches her friends and abruptly drops her bag beside Luhan’s laying figure. He doesn’t get up in surprise but snaps an eye open. He gives her a wide smile but then retreats to his previous stance.

She sits beside him without a word. Jongin doesn’t look up from his game but he grunts as a greeting to her. It is late afternoon and the chill in the air is more evident and the sting of the blowing breeze makes her even more uneasy.

Silence with Luhan and Jongin is never uncomfortable. But today, it certainly is.

“Son of a .” Jongin cusses out of the blue and lets out a sound of irritation. “Stupid game.” He flings the gadget away in a sudden burst of ire and the PSP lands squarely on Luhan’s forehead.

The two of them launch into a predictable squabble; a series of collar-grabbing, of rough shoving and the occasional yous interspersed here and there.

And Jinri sighs deeply because her friends are being stupid again and their usual antics, though usually amusing, didn’t really do anything for her right now.

It is twilight and they walk home in what Jinri thinks could have been silence if it weren’t for Luhan’s constant whining about the ugly red mark on his pretty face and Jongin being the number one jackass on the face of the earth.

Jongin shakes his head. “Oh, quit your yapping. I’m pretty sure Sehun would still sleep with you regardless of whatever blemish your skin acquires. Remember that humongous zit that grew on the tip of your nose—”

“Oh my gawd, Jongin, stop mentioning that for heaven’s sake!” Luhan covers his ears and runs to Jinri’s side and holds on to her arm. “Jinri! Make him stop.”

Jinri stops in her tracks and finally looks at him, her eyes hard but glassy. “Taemin broke up with me.”

Both Luhan and Jongin follow suit and halt in their steps, as well, an incredulous look on their faces.

Tears fall from her eyes before she has a chance to rein them in and soon, she is rambling, her self-deprecating words stumbling after another and her friends go from surprised to sympathetic and then reassuring. By the time Jongin takes her hand in his and squeezes it, she is already a sobbing and a shaking mess and she doesn’t really care because Luhan’s smile is bright and comforting and for a brief moment of lucidity, Jinri realizes that what she apparently lacks in love, she definitely more than makes up for in her friends.

(Luhan is six when he and his family transfer to Jinri’s neighborhood. He is shy, all surreptitious glances and bowed heads. Being a foreigner in a new land is never easy and everyone is either wary or indifferent. Choi Jinri is neither. She is quite the little bundle of sunshine with her long wispy hair and luminescent smile so when she stretches out her welcoming hand to him and invites him to play with her, all he could think is I’d follow you anywhere.

He has been ever since.)

Of course when Lee Taemin shows up with a black eye and a sizeable ugly bruise on the corner of his mouth, Jinri doesn’t have to doubt the persons behind it. The only thing she isn’t sure of is whether Jongin singlehandedly accomplished the act or if Luhan asked Sehun to beat the living daylights out of her ex-boyfriend. The sight of Taemin makes her cringe not only because he looked like and she was responsible for it albeit indirectly but for the simple truth that she still loves him.

The apology she gives him is brief, a pathetic explanation of you know how those guys can get and other lame excuses she comes up with in a desperate attempt to lengthen the one-sided conversation, to still have the fleeting privilege of communicating with him, to hold on to whatever is left of their tremulous relationship, if any. Taemin barely responds and his smile is weak, tired. There are no more traces of the boy who fell in love with her and who wrote a 14-stanza poem about her smile (which Luhan gushed about and Jongin rolled his eyes at). That boy is gone and she momentarily wonders how long it has been since things have changed.

Taemin places a light hand on her shoulder and hormonal girl that she is, blushes at the contact.

“Well, I guess that makes us even now.” He tells her and the faint redness on her cheeks only intensifies but this time, with an overwhelming mixture of indignation and misery.

Taemin steps back and walks away and it is only during that moment when she is staring at his retreating form that the weight of everything sinks in and she realizes that it’s really truly over and her heart breaks anew.

She decides to ignore both Luhan and Jongin for the rest of her existence.

“She’s mad at us. She refuses to talk to you or me.” Luhan pouts at Jongin; an action completely lost on the latter as he is currently engrossed in Need for Speed. They are at their usual spot in the cafeteria and Jinri is nowhere to be seen.

Jongin stays silent.

“Hey, are you listening? Maybe we should apologize to Taemin or something.” Luhan muses.

“Maybe we should also jump off a cliff.”

“Oh comeon. You know we shouldn’t have done that. She still cares about him and what we did to Taemin hurt her.”

Jongin shrugs. “She’ll come around.”

“What if she won’t?” Luhan persists.

“She will, now please shut up; I’m concentrating here.”

It is after five days when they all talk to each other again and it is in a hospital room.

“Okay, what kind of idiot would go 130 kilometers per hour on a slippery road and on a motorcycle?” Jinri probes, both hands on her waist and eyes staring down at an injured Kim Jongin, lying down on the hospital bed.

Jongin just listens, scratching the back of his head, annoyed.

“She’s not wrong, you know.” Luhan pipes in, sitting on side of the bed and eating the oranges Jinri brought for Jongin.

Jinri is not done yet. “What were you thinking? This isn’t like the games that you play. You’re not invincible. You don’t get to acquire new lives when something goes wrong. Here in the real world, if you’re not careful, you die. Game over.”

Jongin thinks that it’s irritating; that the last thing a guy needs after a minor vehicle mishap is a know-it-all who yaks about how stupid he is. He could tell Jinri to shut it, to mind her own damn business but he doesn’t because what’s important is that she’s now talking to them and even though it is a tiring affair to deal with her little mood swings from time to time, Jongin knows Jinri always, always comes around.

He meets Luhan’s eyes and they share a meaningful look.  In that moment, he knows they’re thinking the same thing.

“Okay! The two of you, be honest with me.” Luhan announces as he stands in front of his friends. They are at their usual spot beneath the oak tree.

“What is it, Lu?” Jinri closes the book she is reading and turns her focus to him.

“Is there anything about me or my appearance that is contradictory to what I really am? Do I not look gay enough? Have I been inadvertently emitting male pheromones all along?” Luhan theatrically gestures to his entire being and since Jongin and Jinri knows he’s actually being serious, they stifle their laughter.

“Did something happen?”

“Oh where do I begin? This morning, that new student, Park Soomi, kept hitting on me, sitting beside me, throwing coy glances and all and by the time the class was over, I was ready to keel over and throw up because her blasted perfume was an assault to the senses. Gawd, what is wrong with these girls?” Luhan finishes with an exasperated sigh.

“She’s a new student, Lu. You said it yourself. She’s bound to make that mistake.” Jinri suggests.

“I don’t care. It should be obvious enough. I know you guys think this is funny but it’s actually really insulting. I mean, how would you feel if a girl started making advances towards you?” he looks at Jinri and she mulls the question over.

Luhan turns to Jongin next. “And how about you? How would you feel if a guy started flinging himself in your direction?”

Jongin shrugs nonchalantly.

Luhan slumps on the grass, exhausted. “It’s so difficult being a Chinese gay stuck in a Korean institution. People don’t get it.”

“Don’t think like that, Lu. I think everyone pretty much knows where you stand, you know, gender-wise.” Jinri smiles at him.

“Not everyone, apparently.” He pouts.

“Of course not. Because as long as you have a dangling between your thighs, you’re still counted as a male when it comes right down to it. They don’t exactly have a check box option of homo in application forms now, do they?” Jongin says, looking at a Luhan who is close to tears.

“Jongin!” Jinri slaps his arm.

 “You’re a big bully!” Luhan wails.

“Don’t mind him, Lu. He’s just in a bad mood because Professor Young confiscated his PSP.”

“Don’t remind me.” Jongin crosses his arms over his chest like a belligerent child. “And for the record, if a guy started flinging himself in my direction, I’d rip his nuts off, no questions asked.”

Jinri and Luhan double over in laughter and Jongin allows himself a small smile as he watches his friends.

(Jinri is eleven when she finds out that Luhan is gay. She and her mother had a huge argument and she is upset and doesn’t think twice when she crosses the street to Luhan’s house and hurriedly climbs the tree in order to sneak into his room. She’s done it so many times before but nothing prepared her for what she sees inside. Luhan is caught in a kiss with someone. She tiptoes on the branch to see better and wishes she hadn’t because the other half of the kiss…is a boy. A boy she recognizes from one of their classes. A boy just like Luhan and what the heck is he doing kissing another boy? Whatwhatwhatwhatwhatwhat.

The startling realization makes her release a small whimper and Luhan breaks away from the kiss in surprise just in time to lock eyes with his best friend and in that instant, at the age of eleven, they first begin to understand the pain and hurt that could come from lies and secrets in a friendship.)

The three of them are in the library, doing their research for history.

“So you two should come by this Friday night. I downloaded a cool horror movie we should totally watch together.” Jinri announces.

“No thanks.” Jongin doesn’t miss a beat.

“Aww, comeon. It will be fun. Plus, it’s a well-reviewed movie. It’s worth checking out.”

“This comes from a girl who thinks Evil Dead was worth checking out as well.” Jongin replies.

“It was.” She answers.

“No, it was gross and stupid.”

Jinri glares hard at him and then turns to Luhan who is busy texting. “Lu? You in? You could bring the popcorn.”

Luhan looks up from his phone, a little distracted. “What? Oh, sorry, love. Sehun and I are going out. Maybe next time?”

“Oh. Okay. Yeah, sure.” She offers him a reassuring smile that falters the tiniest bit.

Jongin notices it and bites his tongue before saying his next words. “Fine, all right, all right. Friday night, movie at your place.” He tells Jinri.

“Really? Great then. You bring the popcorn.” Jinri smiles at him.

“Whatever.”

Jongin doesn’t notice Luhan’s scrutiny.

“Pay attention, Jongin! They’re about to go into the house.” Jinri nudges Jongin who is once again absorbed in his PSP.

“Hn.”

“Oh my gosh, did you see that?” Jinri exclaims, flinching a little in her seat.

“What? The ghost which predictably walked behind them?” Jongin answers, a slice of scorn in his voice.

“Ssshhh.” Jinri hushes him and he suffers through the unsurprisingly dull movie.

By the end, his fingers are numbed from too much playing and Jinri is fast asleep, her head resting on his shoulder. He slowly extricates her from him and carries her to the bed. She rolls over and he puts a blanket over her body. Turning off her laptop and the lights, he goes out her room and says goodbye to her mother who insisted on making him stay and have tea. He politely declines and leaves.

After the whole motorbike accident, his parents took his only mode of transportation so he settles for a bus ride home. The bus stops at a shed and Jongin leisurely looks out the window.

He is surprised to see Sehun standing by a post but his heart stops for a second when his eyes travel to the person beside the pale boy because it is not Luhan. It is a girl and she is holding his hand and smiling flirtatiously at his bestfriend’s boyfriend and damn it, why is the world full of ing bastards who hurt good persons like Luhan and Jinri?

He sees red again and it takes all of his will power not to get off the bus and beat Oh Sehun to a bloody pulp.

Luhan is nothing but smiles the next time they see each other in school. Jinri joins his chatter and together, they squeal and babble about his romantic date with Sehun. Jongin can hardly stand it as he feels the burden of the truth weighing over him, like an irrepressible thing that doesn’t go away unless he does something about it.

(Jongin is twelve when he witnesses a schoolmate being bullied. It is after classes and almost everyone already left. He is a new student but bullying is not exactly new to him. The oppressed is a guy he recognizes, he remembers his name being Luhan, the upbeat pretty boy who is best friends with the gorgeous girl in his class. The sight is sickening, a flawless boy being beaten up by a bunch of cowards who like to throw their weight around and since he is Kim Jongin, intrepid, gallant and stupid all at the same time, he doesn’t walk away in fear. Instead, he jumps right into the fight, sticking his fists out into anybody’s face in a fit of rage. He barely knows this Luhan yet he doesn’t think of it as he sends punch after punch, kick after kick but because they are outnumbered and Luhan doesn’t really do much except pull the bigger guys’ hair like a girl, soon after, both of them lay bruised and battered on the ground, breaths coming out in short wheezes.

“If you were trying to save me, this right here comes out as fail.” Luhan croaks out beside him.

He doesn’t answer but instead chuckles because what the was he thinking, anyway?

“You’re Kim Jongin, right? The new guy.”

“Hmm.”

“Why did you help me?”

“I don’t know.” It was the truth.

“You’re a bit of an idiot, you know.” Luhan tells him, his tone playful.

“You’re welcome.” He bit out sarcastically.

Luhan merely laughs, a pleasant sound that echoes all throughout the empty hallway. Jongin figures he likes the sound so he turns to him. When he does, he finds out Luhan is already looking at him.

“I owe you, Jongin.” He says warmly, a dazzling smile gracing his beat-up face.

And Jongin has a feeling this isn’t the last time he’ll protect this beautiful boy.

And he realizes he doesn’t really mind.)

“Study group at my place. Exams are coming up next week.” Luhan declares proudly as he is currently ranked number two in their class.

Jinri enthusiastically shoots her hand up. “I’m in.”

“Pass.” Jongin begins to walk away.

JInri chases after him with Luhan following close behind her. “Jongin, comeon. Even Sehun is joining us.”

“Yeah. We’ll play quiz bee. You and Jinri against me and Sehunnie! It’ll be fun since my Sehunnie is really smart.” Luhan concludes smugly.

“Right. He’s a ing genius and you’re a bumbling moron.” Jongin spits, unable to hold his anger in.

Luhan’s expression changes into that of confusion and shock.

“Hey! Watch your words. What the hell has gotten into you, Jongin?” Jinri scolds him.

Jongin ignores her and looks straight into Luhan’s eyes. “Stop being so ing blind, Luhan. Your Sehunnie is a ing who cheats on idiots such as yourself.”

“That…that’s not true.” Luhan’s voice trembles and Jongin winces inwardly.

“Jongin, what is the matter with you? Stop it!” Jinri gives him a shove. The effort is quite strong and Jongin could have stumbled back except that he was really really angry. He looks at the both of them, his eyes encompassing Luhan’s terrified figure to Jinri’s infuriated and defensive stance.

“Do you know why you get hurt by guys like Sehun and Taemin? Because you let them. You make yourselves vulnerable. You trust too much. You give too much. Stop being so stupid and wake up!” he finishes with an exasperated huff before walking away. He had already said too much and didn’t want to hurt his friends any more than he already has.

During study group, the “quiz bee” doesn’t happen and Jinri spends the entire time wondering if the guy across from her is really cheating on Luhan and if he deserves a good kick in the balls.

She doesn’t know what woke her up but Jinri snaps her eyes open and is surprised to see Luhan sitting on the edge of her bed, looking at her and crying.

“Lu? What the—? What are you doing here? What’s the matter?” she rubs her eyes, slowly sitting up.

“It’s over.” He whispers, his expression as miserable as can be.

Jinri is fully awake now and she doesn’t ask what he’s talking about because she understands. Edging closer to her best friend, she wraps her arms around him and they hold each other for an indeterminate amount of time. Slowly pulling back, she wipes his tears with the sleeve of her nightgown.

“You can cry all you want, love. I’m here.” she assures him and he smiles weakly at her.

“I broke up with him. I…I couldn’t take it.”

“So Jongin is right all along. He has been cheating on you? Damn it. How did you know, Lu? Did you confront Sehun about it? Did he admit it?”

He shakes his head.

“Did you follow him or something to investigate?”

“I really don’t need to do that.”

She is genuinely puzzled. “What do you mean?”

Luhan sighs. “I’ve always known, Jinri. I mean, even before Jongin did. I’ve always known Sehun has been cheating on me with a girl.”

She doesn’t believe what she’s hearing; Luhan’s words weren't something she could take in one sitting so she remains speechless.

“It’s a girl from his school and they’ve been going out since last year. I found out eight months ago but…you know, I never…I never did anything about it.”

“Why the hell not?” She is pissed off and it’s only now she understands why Jongin was so incensed.

“Because if I did, he’d be made to choose and I was afraid he would choose her instead of me.” Luhan finished, tears forming on the corner of his eyes again.

“So that’s why you broke up with him first?”

Luhan smiled weakly. “No. Because I’m just so tired. And it’s not so much that I’m inlove with him. It was more like I was in love with the thought of being with someone, of not having to envy other people who have significant others.”

“Of not being alone?” she supplies.

“Yeah. Being alone is the worse.”

“But you’re not, Lu. I’m here. Jongin too. We always will be. Never forget that.” Jinri pummels the soft sheets in indignation. “Damn it, damn it. It’s killing me Lu, you’ve been going through all this and we didn’t even have any clue what was happening to you. You should have said something!”

Luhan stops her and holds her hands. “Hey, hey, stop. Don’t beat yourself up with it. This is why I kept it to myself because I know how much this would affect you, both of you. You and Jongin always protect me, Jinri. I don’t want to burden you. I don’t want you hurting because I’m hurting. You’ve already done so much for me.”

“Because we’re friends! For heaven’s sake, Lu, quit being dramatic and get it through your head that I’m here, I’m your best friend and I’m here to stay whether you like it or not.”

Luhan laughs. “Who’s being dramatic again?”

Jinri lightly punches him on the arm. “Shut up.”

He massages his temple and cradles his head in his hands. “Oh gawd. I’m single again.”

“It’s going to be okay, Lu.” she squeezes his shoulder.

“Does it ever get easier? Moving on, I mean.”

Jinri smiles, more to herself than him. “Yeah, of course. But first, it will hurt like hell. Like the next days won’t hold any meaning anymore because he’s gone, because he doesn’t love you the way you love him. Or at all. Like everything you do is just a reminder that you’re doing it alone and that you used to do it with someone else. It’s a tricky business, moving on. Other days you feel like you have but then most of the time, you know you’re just lying to yourself and you’re afraid because what if the worse part isn’t over and you still have to face a more daunting heartbreak than the one you’re experiencing now?”

“Do you still think about Taemin?”

“Every day. And every day it still hurts.” She smiles at him. “He wrote me a friggin’ poem for heaven’s sake. One does not easily forget that.”

He nods. “Oh yes, I remember that one. It was very inspired.”

Jinri looks at him and smiles. Together, they recite one line from memory. “For when you smile like that, the tiniest crinkling of the corners of your eyes, the graceful upturning of your beautiful mouth, it sends me into a whirl of revelation of the severe brilliance of the sun, the unremarkable radiance of the moon, the triteness of the stars. Only your smile is my light and my light it shall stay.”

“Wow. Taemin would have made a fine poet.” Luhan comments.

“I know, right? For a while back there, I really thought for sure he was the one. A person who could write things like that about me, who could put together such beautiful words.” She blinks back the onslaught of tears and Luhan puts his arm around her.

She continues. “But it does get easier. I guess, we just have to learn how to let go, little by little.”

“. Love .”

“Ditto.” She laughs.

(Jinri is eleven when she first learns how to cope with the complexities of friendship. The following days after the discovery that Luhan is gay weren’t easy. Avoiding him wasn’t an option because they’re best friends and that’s all there is to it. You don’t avoid your best friend, neither do you leave him. So when she wakes up in the middle of the night and sees Luhan sitting on the edge of her bed, poised to apologize, to clarify, she tells him he doesn’t need to explain anything to her and that he can kiss any boy he wanted. He laughs and they spend the entire night lying on her bed and singling out every hot guy in school.)

A kick in the balls isn’t exactly the way Oh Sehun wants to end the day but that’s exactly what he gets when he exits his school and a waiting Choi Jinri sends her leg flying towards the direction of his poor groin.

“See you next time, Jinri!”

“See you, Soojung, thanks again.” Jinri waves at the girl before falling into step with her friends.

“What were you doing with Jung Soojung?” Luhan asks.

“Oh, nothing. Just working on a project.”

“Soojung’s tutoring her because she failed her test in Math.” Jongin deadpans.

“Oh, thank you, Jongin.” She says sarcastically.

He smirks at her.

“What? You failed the test? How much did you get?” Luhan asks.

“Let’s not quibble over details. I failed it, end of story.” Jinri sulks.

“You should have told me. I could have tutored you.”

“No, thanks, Lu. Soojung was recommended by the professor. She works part time as a tutor so apparently, she’s supposed to be really good.”

“That only means you’re that bad to need someone good like her.” Jongin slyly glances at her to gauge her reaction.

“You jerk! Just you wait. I’ll top the final exam and you’ll be sorry you insulted me.” She sticks her tongue out at him.

He merely laughs. Jinri was always fun to tease.

(Jongin is twelve when he was first rendered speechless by a girl. There were pretty girls in his old school of course but when he laid his eyes on the tall and long-haired creature who was busy pounding the vending machine with her leg, every other girl vanished into non-specificity. When she delivered the last blow, the soda can finally drops and she bent to pick it up. She opened the can with her teeth and gulped the liquid down, an action so inelegant and brusque for someone who looked as stunning as her. When an equally striking boy with blonde hair walks right up to her, took the can and drunk from it as well, Jongin couldn’t tear his eyes away from the sight. He was smitten from the get-go. This peculiar relationship between these two beautiful persons.)

“Guess who thinks you’re hot.” Jinri plops down in front of Jongin.

They are in his room this time, lounging around and listening to music.

Jongin pauses his game and looks up from Tekken, meeting Jinri’s twinkling orbs.

“Who thinks he’s hot?” Luhan jumps up from the bed to join both of them on the floor.

“Jung Soo-jung.” She enunciates.

Jongin gets back to playing his game, clearly uninterested.

“Jung Soojung as in your tutor?” Luhan asks.

“Yes, at first, she was being subtle, asking little questions about Jongin but I totally noticed it right away. I mean, duh, I’m a girl too. So I ended up confronting her and she ‘fessed up. It turns out she’s been crushing on Jongin since freshman year.”

“Oh my gosh. I feel for her, holding it in for years. The poor girl!” Luhan cries.

“I know, right? So I arranged the two of them on a date this Saturday. Isn’t that cool?” Jinri announces and that finally gets Jongin’s attention because as quick as lightning, he stands up and bellows at her.

“You did what?!”

“You and Soojung. On a date. This Saturday.”

“Are you out of your ing mind? You don’t just force people into dates. You can’t do that!”

“She already did. Comeon, Jongin. It wouldn’t hurt to date Soojung. It’s not as if she’s not easy on the eyes. Plus, she’s really smart. Didn’t you once say you like intelligent girls?” Luhan says, clutching his arm.

Jinri clutches his other arm. “Luhan’s right. This will be a new experience for you. Besides, you need to get out and explore. And Soojung’s real nice.”

Jongin looks from Jinri then to Luhan and wonders why his friends were such retards sometimes.

“Get off me.” He pulls both arms from their grasps and gets out of the room.

Jinri looks helplessly at Luhan and then follows Jongin outside. 

(Jongin is twelve when he gets to sit with a girl during lunch. After he plays fail knight to Luhan’s damsel in distress, he earns the privilege to sit with him and Jinri at lunch.

“You must be Batman. Helping the abused, saving the day. I’m Choi Jinri.” Jinri quips, stretching out to shake his hand and Jongin hears Luhan giggling.

He shakes her hand, mentally noting how soft it is. “Kim Jongin. It’s nice to meet you.”

He eats his lunch in silence, only listening to Jinri and Luhan chatter about a lot of things and he realizes how the two of them seem to have a world unto themselves and how the prospect of entering their perfect world is very much appealing.

Jinri turns to him and his heart skips a beat.

“We’re hanging out after school. You’re welcome to join us.” She says and Luhan nods at him.

He should have said his parents expect him to be home early and that in truth, the idea of being in their presence, her presence, makes him nervous but he doesn’t because as he looks at her expectant eyes, he quickly learns that Choi Jinri is someone he might never have the strength to refuse.)

She catches up to him just as he goes out the house.

“Jongin, please. I just…I guess I should have asked you first, huh? But Soojung looked so sad and hopeful and we’re graduating soon and I…well, I guess I felt sorry for her. I just…I wanted to help her out.” she rambles and he imagines her fidgeting with the hem of her shirt.

He sighs as he turns back to face her. It has been years but she still honestly takes his breath away every time he lays his eyes on her. He remembers the twelve year old girl who beat up the vending machine and he has to remind himself how far they’ve come.

He wants to tell her that she is literally using him to please somebody but as always, he doesn’t because she is Jinri and her intentions have always been good even if her ways are a little naïve.

He looks back and he almost laughs because , he still can’t say no to her.

The date doesn’t partly because Jung Soojung is pretty with that long red hair of hers and he thinks that if things had gone differently, he could definitely like her and mostly because Soojung had better taste in movies than Jinri ever will.

They hold hands and Jongin doesn’t know who starts it but he doesn’t mind. When the day ends, he walks her to her house.

“Would you…would you like to do this again?” she looks up at him.

And the question catches him off guard. For the first time ever since their date started, he feels uncomfortable, pressured.

She smiles and shakes her head. “No, nevermind. Can’t say I didn’t try.”

“I’m sorry, I—“

She presses a finger to his lips to silence him. “It’s okay, I get it.” before he can reply, she reaches up and places a small kiss on his cheek and then she quickly disappears behind her door.

Jongin goes home and what could have been a good date turns into something that leaves him baffled.

(Jinri is thirteen when she first learns how to ride a bike. They are at a park and both Jongin and Luhan teach her. The whole session consists of bruised legs and scraped knees and endless laughter. The day is wonderful and she just wants to bask in the bliss that is Luhan’s glee and Jongin’s warmth.

Luhan is thirteen when he finally understands the meaning of perfection. Perfection is the soft blowing of the breeze, the shade of the trees, Jinri’s musical laugh, Jongin’s quiet presence and the thought that the three of them together is a bond he will always keep safe no matter what.

Jongin is thirteen when he realizes how important Luhan and Jinri are to him. They are at a park and Jinri falls down from her bike for the umpteenth time and they rush to her, laughing at how ridiculous she looks sprawled on the ground and he thinks that he wants to shelter fragile Luhan and keep him from hurting, that he could go on forever with just Jinri’s smile, that he’s never been happier in his life and that he would do whatever it takes to stay in this friendship with them, to stay with them.)

“Are you sure it’s seven cups of sugar because we might end up with diabetes after this?” Luhan asks.

Jongin glares at him, wiping his hands on the towel by the fridge. “Hey, I’m the cook here so don’t give me that look.”

 “If we’re going to bake something then at least let’s do it right. Do you have a cook book or something?”

Jongin sighs. “Your vote of confidence is touching. Fine, there’s a pastry cook book in my room. Top shelf beside the cabinet.”

“I know this will sound really ironic but do you realize how gay it is for someone like you to own a cook book?” Luhan sneers at him.

“It was a present from my aunt, you little punk. Now go get it.”

Luhan laughs all the way upstairs. Jongin’s room is already open and he quickly walks to the bookshelf, eyes scanning the strewn books. Jongin has always been a messy person. Spotting the cook book, he grabs it and in the process, accidentally knocks off a medium-sized box. It falls down and its contents scatter around.

“Oh .” he mutters as he bends down to pick up the papers.

He unintentionally reads one line from the writings. “Wait…what is this?” He begins to skim through the papers and realizes they are poems…written in Jongin’s almost unrecognizable scrawl. He continues looking through them, catching only fragments of the verses.

For tears were made for both happiness and despair

The wind is a treacherous thing, it blows reminiscences into oblivion

Jongin writes poetry and Luhan wonders why he never knew about this. He keeps browsing and one distinct group of words catches his eye.

Something he recognizes by heart.

For when you smile like that, the tiniest crinkling of the corners of your eyes, the graceful upturning of your beautiful mouth, it sends me into a whirl of revelation of the severe brilliance of the sun, the unremarkable radiance of the moon, the triteness of the stars. Only your smile is my light and my light it shall stay.

Isn’t this…isn’t this…

Then everything clicks into place in Luhan’s mind.

“Hey, what is taking you so long? Did you fi—“ Jongin halts, a look of horror on his face as he sees what Luhan is holding, reading.

“Lu…”

Luhan looks up and his eyes are an accusatory brown.

“You…it’s you. You wrote that poem. It’s you. Not Taemin. Holy , it’s you all along.”

Jongin doesn’t know what to say. In fact, if he were to be honest, if the day of unraveling does come, he imagines it to be him actually coming clean, professing beautiful words of love, not Luhan finding it out by accident, no, not like this.

Luhan stands up, clutching the poems in his hand. “Oh my God, Jongin. It’s you. All this time.”

“Yes, it’s me. I wrote that poem.”

“Why? I don’t-I don’t understand. How? Why?”

He closes his eyes and takes a deep breath. He opens them again, resolute, determined. This is it. The moment of truth.

“I knew Jinri was madly in love with Taemin. And deep in my heart, I never thought that she would ever look at me in that way. Which was okay, really. I knew we were better off as friends than as something more so when Taemin asked my help about the perfect present he could give Jinri, I gave him that poem. In my mind, it won’t matter if she didn’t know who really wrote it. What’s important is that she should know how perfect she is, how her smile is so precious to one person. That…that was enough for me.”

The words were heavy and as he let them go one by one, he realizes that he’s not as magnanimous as he would like to be because the truth was, it was never enough, to love her from the shadows, to love her in secret. It was never never enough.

Luhan doesn’t understand the way his heart tightens because at the bottom of their friendship, there is this and he truthfully doesn’t know what to make of it.

“Heya guys! I’m sorry I’m late. Soojung and I finished late. Have you guys started baking yet?” Jinri pops inside the room and both Luhan and Jongin know that this is exactly how secrets put a strain on relationships.

They are under their favorite old tree and talking about college and their plans for the future. And although Jinri is happily chattering about hers, Luhan doesn’t miss that Jongin hasn’t said a word about his own plans.

Jinri doesn't top the final exams for Math but she passes it anyway. She envelopes Jung Soojung in a celebratory hug, thanking her for everything. Soojung only smiles at her and Jinri wonders why her smile doesn't quite reach her eyes.

“Will you tell her?”

“I don’t…I don’t know.”

“Are you afraid?”

“I’m scared less.”

“That’s good.”

“How the is that supposed to be good?”

“Because that’s how love is. It’s supposed to be terrifying .”

“Thanks, that’s really helpful, Luhan.”

“My point is, it’s okay to be afraid. But put yourself out there and do it anyway.”

“If it doesn’t go well?”

“Then it doesn’t go well. You have to accept that.”

Jongin looks at the boy he has always protected and sheltered and realizes that in more ways than one, Luhan just might be the strongest one among them all.

Graduation is over and the hall is filled with triumphant cheers and tearful goodbyes. Jinri is in the middle of it all and she knows that this day will forever be etched into her heart. Taemin comes up to her and shakes her hand, congratulating her and wishing her good luck. She does the same and as she once again watches his retreating back, she is filled with the realization that people never really leave, they just change their role in one's life.

Luhan runs right up to her and engulfs her in a bear hug.

“This is crazy! We did it!” He exclaims.

“I love you, Lu.” She tells him.

“And I love you, Choi Jinri. I always will.” He smiles at her.

Then suddenly, both of them are picked up from the ground and spun around and they’re both wondering how Jongin can carry them both at the same time but that doesn’t matter anymore because as they stand there, Jinri filled with endless faith, Luhan with a newfound courage and Jongin, with a hopeful impending confession, they know that it can only get better from here on out.

But in that one magical second, they are thirteen again, laughing, together and perfect.

I don't know what I just wrote. OTL

Forgive the confusing tenses.

And thank you for taking the time to read!