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Forever and Ever. [ONESHOT]
Junhong doesn’t like people. As stupid as this might sound, it’s completely justified. It might be more accurate to say that Junhong tries to like people; but doesn’t like them because they don’t like him back.
Friends. Friendship. These are words that Junhong don’t understand. Maybe he understands them, but not in the “experience" type of way. It’s more of the “dictionary definition" kind of way. Junhong can tell you all about friendship - how they feel, how they look, how they should be. But the emotion of having a friend has been dead to him for a long time.
He has never had a friend before. Not since kindergarten when everyone was friends with everyone. Sure, there are people who he can eat lunch with. Or go to the school soccer matches with. But he knows that these people aren’t really his friends - they're just people he surrounds himself with so that he doesn't feel completely alone. He sees them going out to the movies together and inviting each other for parties while he sits at home playing video games. Junhong pretends he doesn't care. He pretends that he would much rather spend his time battling fake enemies on his computer screen, but he can barely pretend good enough to fool himself. Junhong figures that he must not be good enough to hang out with them outside of school. This is the worst type of “friendship”. It’s like false reassurance that you’re not really alone. But when you’re surrounded by tons of people but still feel lonely, it’s the worse type of lonely to feel.
So, every time he meets someone new, he tries really hard to be awesome. He tries to be that person who people want to hang out with. He tries to be funny and caring and nice. But it never works. He’s never good enough to be a real friend. Never worthy enough to have a real friend. It doesn’t matter much anyways, Junhong thinks. Because he was starting to feel fake.
…
Junhong gets sick one day. Misses a day of school. Misses another week. And then he goes back and everyone is his best friend. Suddenly everyone cares about him. He’s everyone’s favorite.
This is how Junhong realizes he’s sick in more ways than just the cancer. Because he loves it. The sickness that has invaded his body and is the life out of him; he loves every second of it. For the first time in his life, people care about him. They invite him to the movies and to their birthday parties. He might be sick.. he might be dying, but he isn’t lonely anymore.
…
Eventually, Junhong gets too sick to go outside anymore. He waits in the hospital to die. Everyone has told him that he’ll get better in no time. That he needs to fight the cancer. But Junhong knows it’s over for him. But he’s fine with it.
His friends still visit him. They bring stupid things like flowers and comic books and movies that they can watch together. They make him laugh and they make him happy. Although he’s sick and dying in a hospital bed, he’s never been happier in his life.
But soon, they stop visiting. What used to be five visits a week for hours and hours, turns to one drop-by a month. And then they stop completely.
Junhong cries and cries and cries because these people were never his friends. He cries until there are no more tears - to the point that he cant even feel sad anymore. They were people who pitied him and nothing else. And once they knew he was dying, he wasn’t important enough anymore.
Maybe they're just scared of being friends with a dying person, Junhong thinks to himself. But, again, he knows he's just pretending. There's no logic behind the lies he feeds himself. He faces the truth alone.
…
Before he knows it, his body fails him. He’s so weak that he can barely move. Every passing hour is filled with staring up at the white ceiling. He is forced to listen to the quiet beeping beside him - his weak heart barely making its presence known.
It’s now that he wants to die. Because when he can’t do anything else, the loneliness forces its way from his heart and takes over every inch of his body. It’s scary. And he wants to die.
The nurses and doctors all visit him and tell him what he already knows - that his time on earth is up. They all shed fake tears and tell Junhong that sometimes things happen for a reason. They tell him that he'll be in a better place soon, away from the medications and sick white walls. Junhong simply thanks them and he doesn't have to lie when he tells them he's glad it's over.
So, as his heart beat reduces to a flat line and a continuous tone, Junhong finds enough energy to smile once more. Because finally, he’s released from his world of being alone.
As he dies, Junhong thinks one thing. That he hates people. And that maybe nobody will even go to his funeral, but that’s okay. It’s better to be alone than to be surrounded by people who only care about you because you’re dead.
Alone. Forever and ever. It’s a sad fact for Choi Junhong. But maybe he prefers it that way.
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I don't really care if you sub to it or not, but if you read it, a comment would be appreciated with lots of love <3
-Captain
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